AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Sorry if I've missed this, but have you told people you're pregnant yet? Your parents, close friends? You really need their support right now, and them knowing and their excitement will help you to feel less fear and anxiety about this and see it for the wonderful adventure it is.

We need to help you find your happy. I know the twat is a big part of this, and what he does or says will have an effect on you, but come on, tell us... do you feel like it's a girl or boy? I had a boy feeling with first, girl with second. Have two boys.
Have you bought anything now? Makes it so real when you do that.

I am not trying to detract from the horrible stuff by the way, I just want you to get the feeling all day that you feel when baby flutters. I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive

What have your parents said?

I don't want it done

You know what you want. Don't be forced into doing something else you don't.

I think the ball needs to be in his court to prove that he wants to be involved and is interested. My dh was absolutely useless when I was expecting my first, he was great at scans etc but showed no interest in supporting me emotionally, buying things or changing the house in anticipation etc (we have always had a joint account so it wasn't about him not paying his share, but taking an interest). Fortunately my dm was amazing and really enthusiastic, as were his parents.

It's a very long and sad story but it took me throwing him out and asking for a divorce to make him realise how much he had hurt me and that I was not going to tolerate his behaviour. When the our ds was born it was genuinely love at first sight and he has been an amazing father to both our children. I won't lie, I still haven't quite forgiven him, even after all these years, but I'm glad I gave him another chance. When I was pregnant for the second time I was concerned it would happen again but he was the perfect husband and really tried to make it up to me.

When we spoke about it recently he said it just didn't really seem real to him until the baby arrived and it was like his life was being taken away from him for no reason. But when ds was born, the reason was apparent and he was happy for things to change. It still doesn't really make sense to me tbh, but he is thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour then and I know if he could change it he would. He is a great dad and really that's all that matters now.

I'm sorry for the long post but what I'm trying to say is I think you should give him the opportunity to be involved but the onus has to be on him. Don't invite him to the scans, see if he asks to come. Don't let him minimise his behaviour, explain to him in no uncertain terms just how low and alone he has made you feel. Stop paying his bills for him and tell him you need the money for things for the baby (you actually will need that money and more, babies are expensive) and see how he reacts. You haven't said if you have told your dp's yet, but if you haven't, please, please do it now. They will be a great support to you now and when the baby is born. I couldn't have coped without mine. Finally, has he told his parents? To me that would be the greatest indicator of whether his attitude has changed or not.

Allow him another chance, but don't give too much. Let him show you how sorry he is. It will soon become apparent if he has changed or not.

Okay! Yes some people know. Not big news just yet, thinking probably 20 weeks will be my time to share. As I've said I'm a teacher and I have a new job but same la this sept so want to make sure I'm all up front with them before whirling round telling people. Just mum and three friends ATM, but I'm happy with that.

questioning I think it's a boy. I just feel it. I don't know why though. Although it would be SO much easier, if it was a girl in terms of initial outlay, as my best friend has a daughter who is just coming up to 14 months, and she's kept everything and was going to charity it all, but has offered it to me including Moses basket, travel system, next to me crib, perfect prep machine, steriliser, breast pump, baby bedding and she's offered me to keep the joie stages car seat that she bought for her DD to occasionally use in my car (it's only ever been in my car, we went to buy it in Halfords about 8 months ago, She's a SAHM and her DP is on a six figure salary, they're definitely over buyers, so they've got lots that wasn't ever worn or used and she is one of those very immaculate people who irons everything and uses organic fabric conditioner and her house always smells of vanilla so I've got no reason to think everything won't be in amazing condition 😂, I've also got two nieces aged 3 and 6 months and have been offered lots from them. But unfortunately all my friends/ family are big on gender specific clothes so have done so much pink. So I may struggle to use much if I've got a boy.
(And no I'm not talking just colours /patterns, there's a lot of those tutu sleepsuits going on and lots of little princess slogans) so I'd not need to buy anywhere near as much as I would if I was expecting a little boy!
I bought some little long sleeve vests in a 3 pack, and a 3 pack of leggings in next, and some dummies.
That's all xx
X

motherbear sorry to hear your dp was a twat. He sounds like s fab dad now
I just hope my dp isn't an arsehole forever!!

I'm married and while DH worked long hours I parented 3 under 2 all day - by the time he was home (usually away on business) it was almost bedtime - he'd do a story or bath them - so I was a single parent in the physical aspects of parenting

It's perfectly do able and you'll be surprised how well you cope, because you have to!!

At the moment you need to focus on you and your child and prepare for a future as a single parent, things may well turn out different - but in your terms

Learn to be assertive and see if he steps up or walks out

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate op and give your little one your surname. Allow him to prove to you he will be a good dad but don't give him complete control over your DC as he may use it against you, it sounds as though he will tbh xxxx

Have you got mid wife appointments set up and scans? Have you been taking supplements?

Do you think that you will find out sex? I didn't and was desperate to know by the end of the pregnancy.

Once your LA know about this then announce it to everyone and enjoy the fun of it. Your partner has stolen some of the joy of your early pregnancy, seize this back and revel in your moment.

I think he has behaved terribly and I hope that you stop minimising this, when questioned about why announcing late I hope he squirms,

Why is he in the wrong for suggesting a termination? Why is he not allowed an opinion on the matter? Women change their minds over wanting an abortion or not many many times and it's ok. He can't force her to have one so why did it matter if his mind kept changing on what he feels felt right? Just because he doesn't get a say doesn't mean he lacks any emotion in it.

If you feel safe around him then I don't see why you can't be around him. Don't take any shit and ignore any strips etc but why should that be a reason to leave? Doesn't anyone talk these days or do we leave any partner at the drop of a hat because of something they said.

Talking about taking his rights away is odd. It's his baby and when it's born if he wants to see them I don't see on what grounds he shouldn't be allowed? Parents don't have rights anyway, only responsibilities.

A lot of posters on here need to remember, you don't know much at all about this guy and the op is in a much better position to say how she feels around him. It's also easy to say leave when you are sat behind a screen, not so much when it's you that has to do the leaving.

What do you want op?

Cute re the first purchases OP :) I bought Ds a set of M&S white vests when I was pg with him. I still have one of them...he's 19 now!

Jesus Quack - give it a rest. The guy is in the wrong for suggesting a termination that would have taken place at 19 weeks when the OP didn't want it - as in, was trying to force her into having one against her own wishes. That's wrong.

The OP will make up her own mind how to proceed - everyone on here is just giving her advice and the benefit of their own experience. Same as every other thread.

@QuackPorridgeBacon, it's not because he suggested a termination, although it was clear to all of us that the OP was in bits at the idea, as she has fertility issues. It was really the fact that he wasn't prepared to go with her for the procedure despite the fact that it was going to be a 200 mile round trip and she was 19 weeks pregnant so it would have been a late termination. He also didn't want her to get the support of a midwife.

Posters were also concerned about the fact that he was sponging off her, or that's how it appeared from the OP's posts.

You're right, though, mumsnet posters are regularly quick to say LTB when we don't know the couple at all.

He may yet turn out to be a good dad, the OP has said he was a good partner before this.

I'm glad you've started telling people, OP.

Quack, he didn't just suggest an abortion. He bullied the OP, emotionally abused her, deprived her of real life support and medical care and expected her to have an unwanted abortion at 19 weeks without him even having the decency to go along and support her. Why are you defending this guy?

Hope you are getting good support from your family now OP.

Was following this thread and am so so pleased for you OP. Congratulations! Xxx

Please, please PLEASE make sure that you give the baby your surname.

Unless the OP's DP changes his mind about the baby (again) and goes with her to register the birth, since they're not married, he CANNOT go on the birth certificate, and I doubt the OP can use his surname without him being there either.

I think a starting point for him would be you letting him take responsibility for his own debts and getting a job.Unless you use this as an opportunity to make changes in how you work together then you will be back home with 2 children doing everything.

op. ive pmd you.
i had a termination for medical reasons at 15 weeks or there abouts. you need to know the reality of terminating at this late stage.

i do hope you get some counselling (and decide to keep the baby and ltb)

x

Oh do fuck off Quack

OP, even if baby is a boy, things can be done incredibly cheaply. Please don't worry about that aspect.

I am 16 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy, if my DP suggested abortion to me now I would think he had lost his mind.

Bloody hell VIcar - that ship has sailed long ago! The OP has decided to keep the baby.

glad you have started to move forward OP.

Don't worry about clothes, firstly you don't need that many (boy or girl) and secondly don't put your daughter in any clothes you wouldn't put your son in IYSWIM. pink princess shit is, if anything, more damaging for girls to wear than boys....all about the stereotype confirmation!

We had tonnes of clothes for DD and she really only wore a handful of things for months on end.

I wouldn't buy too much at this stage as you don't know how big the baby will be...my 10 lb monster never wore a whole swathe of clothes we bought because she was too big from birth.

sorry i hadnt read the updates! i got half way through the thread and felt compelled to contact op because terminating at over 12 weeks is less straight forward.

well done op

best of luck x

It's good to hear that you have told your parents and are getting counselling from the perinatal team.

In terms of boundaries I think it is important for him to acknowledge what he has done to you. At the moment it sound like he is trying to minimise what he has done. If he is going to change he needs to face up to what he has done. For that reason I wouldn't go to couples therapy because he could try to bully you. You have been incredibly strong give yourself some space to focus on yourself and the baby.

Don't worry too much about buying clothes ( except for fun) you will probably get a lot bought for you.