The speeding husband chat. Think my barrage can't survive this reaction

[MissCommunication]

Hi all

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car and about fire hazards with charging phones in bed etc. We have a tricky marriage at the best of times and can't seem to hold an adult conversation without it escalating. So. Today DH was going to collect DSD (she lives with her mum about 20 mins away and is nearly 17) and asked DS if he wanted to go too. DS asked to go in the front. I've been trying to find the right time to have the chat about the speeding and I couldn't let DH take DS in the car without saying something. So I very calmly asked DH to come into another room. I said "I've been wanting to talk to you about what happened on the way to x. I was really worried and uncomfortable about how fast you were driving with us in the car. I need to ask you to slow down" (for info he's always driven quickly and a bit boy racer in his very big, fast and powerful car...my DM bricks it when she's in with him and I also find his general driving "excitable"). He said "I'm not going to counter that right now. You are so dangerous and there are times when I'm in your cat and I'm scared". I said there is no excuse whatsoever for driving that fast withus in the car". DH..."you don't strap DS into the buggy...how dangerous is that?" (Occasionally we have let DS sit in buggy without buckling if it's a very short hop from one bit to next and he has done it as well...it's not right but a grey area if he's using that stick to beat me when he's not innocent of it himself). He stomped off shouting and swearing and went to put car seat in the car. He came back in and said "There is a difference between speed and.." but I jumped in saying "there is NO occasion where that speed is acceptable with the children and I. It's dangerous and irresponsible. 130+mph is never ok". He turned said "I drove at 130. So what? What would happen?" I said "A crash! It's not just your on the road and if something went wrong we would not survive". He shouted "no! Just no!" And went off. Leaving me sobbing and completely gobsmacked that he on any level thinks it's OK, but also that he turns it back on me and deflects blame onto me (VERY typical behaviour) and says I'M the dangerous one.
I feel I need to give masses of back story here but suffice it to say this is a very very big straw breaking a camel's back.

How patient are you all and AIBU to think solicitors?

MARRIAGE...not barrage

Does he drive as stupidly fast when you are not in the car with him? If so, I'd be inclined to tip off the local police about this usual routes (commute?) and speed. Perhaps getting caught would teach him a lesson.

Jesus what an irresponsible idiot

You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

If he is willing to risk his families lives plus other drivers, then fuck him.

He came back all sweetness and light and affection btw.

Eggsy he's been caught a few times.

DH used to speed not quite as badly. He was confident in his abilities as a driver although I used to point out the problem was that you have no time to adjust for someone else's mistake. It was pure arrogance.
So instead I said to him, if you get caught doing over 100mph the chances are you will lose your licence and won't be driving anywhere for a bit. That hit home.
However, although he was arrogant about his driving he wasn't like that with everything so it was a single issue to solve rather than a reflection of a wider problem.

How many points has he got?

If he got banned would he ignore it like he ignores the speed limit. I'm pretty relaxed about speeding, but I don't think 130 on uk roads would ever be safe. If DS falls out of the buggy, bumps/grazes result, if you crash at very high speed it's potentially serious injury/death.

I suppose the easiest way to resolve it would be to remove his counter argument. You've given one example of something you do that he considers dangerous, ask him if there are other examples and then agree to stop with immediate effect. That is the right thing to do in any case because if you acknowledge that you are endangering your children, even if the risk is relatively minimal, you should stop it regardless of anything he's doing. Making your children safer is the most important aspect of that of course but it also heads off any "what about X, Y and Z" which he may use to avoid the discussion. Then he's left with trying to defend driving dangerously and there is no defence for it whatsoever. Driving at 130mph on his own is morally reprehensible because of the danger it posses to other road users, doing it with you and your children in the car is shocking. There is no way he could offer a passable defence for it and he knows that which is why he's deflecting and turning the argument back on you. Take away the option of turning it back on you keep confronting him about it, you are absolutely right to be upset by the prospect of your kids in the car with a reckless driver.

130 was on autobahn but he quite often does 90-100 in the UK, even with us in the car. He's recently done a speed awareness course and I think he had 6 points or something. Not sure. I got caught doing 36 in a 30 a few yeas ago. Not entirely innocent 😉

If he's always driven like a big dick, then you must have known that he wasn't going to stop once you had kids together, given that he had kids before you met? Or is it only not ok now because it puts your son's life in danger? Never mind me, my family, my children?

I remember thinking he wouldn't surely drive that fast with his DD. I never thought he would put lives in danger like this his DD doesn't like his driving even when he's not going THAT fast. You make a very fair point and it definitely isn't just because of the children I've had with him, although I believe I've become more sensitive dunce having my own if that makes sense?

Having read my post back I should re-word my opening sentence. Doing as I suggested wouldn't necessarily resolve the situation, it would "win the argument" for want of a better phrase but he may still refuse to change his behaviour. Then you have a serious problem and I'm not really sure what to suggest. What is certain is that your children deserve much better than having their lives endangered needlessly because their father wants to shave 2 minutes off of a journey time. It's a very difficult situation and I really feel for you if he is pig-headed about it and refuses to drive more sensibly. It's such a silly and pointless thing to be doing and it's so easy to correct, I can't fathom why he'd refuse. Perhaps he isn't grasping how serious it is, in which case you are best placed to decide how to get the message across because you know him and we don't.

Just refuse to be driven by him anywhere and refuse to allow your children in the car with him.

@MrsBobDylan I'm not sure how constructive that is to be honest. The children have been born and OP's husband is endangering them by driving recklessly. OP can't turn back time and undo her choice to have her children (not that she ought to even if that were possible, as I'm sure she loves them dearly) so why not try to offer some advice on what to do in the here and now?

And before people say 'it's not that simple' it is.

For me, the way he spoke to you about a genuine & very valid concern was probably worse than the offence itself. No better anyway.

He sounds vile.

Yanbu.

And it's dangerous regardless of who is in the car.

what a dick.

I know what you mean re camels back. Feeling a bit similar at the moment.

That is a ridiculous speed. If he had a crash, the only result would be death, to him, whoever else was in the car, and any other nearby road users.
There are places you can drive like a racing driver. The roads are not among them (even the autobahn).
I'm surprised he hasn't been banned.
He is a risk taker and probably won't stop.

130mph or kph on the autobahn?

Or does he drive 130mph in the UK?

An acquaintance of mine was charged with causing death by dangerous driving and went to prison, due to speeding. Never thought it would happen to them. 😢

My kids would never ever be allowed to get into his car.

If you want the cunt to see the faults of awful driving he can pm me and meet my dd and her friends.

Please please stop him now

Absolutely shocking! No, YADNBU to think solicitors. I wouldn't let my DCs in the car with him ever again. And yes, I'd alert the police so he gets caught and gets a wake-up call.

He's also a serious danger to himself, the DCs and you when you're with them. It's about other drivers' mistakes too, as has been said. My FIL died in a car crash not long after my DH and I got married. And I was hurt in a car crash on the motorway in the past as well. These accidents happen in a split second!

And yes, you must always strap your DCs in. Accidents can happen at any time; my FIL's death happened when he pulled out without seeing a car in his blind spot.

I used to do up to 125 mph on the autobahn, dh sometimes went faster. No way would we do it with children in the car. Because I got used to speed abroad having lived there so long, I do have to keep my speed in check. 90 mph is as fast as most drivers anticipate people going in the uk so 100 is really fast in this country and people just don't see it coming. Not to mention it's against the law. You have to have all your wits about you and I agree it is really dangerous. In fairness you did have to keep your wits about you in Germany as it was so easy to become a sandwich between a car in front overtaking slowly and a Porsche behind coming at break neck speed. And yes, it massively pissed me off too when I came back here and had to drive a snails pace.

Your dh needs to moderate his driving to what is anticipated in the country he is in and adapt in relation to the level of traffic around. In the U.K. the speed limit is 70mph so he should not be driving at more than 85 if he wants to remotely be able to keep his children safe. This country is known for hogging the fast lanes, which is infuriating. It sounds as if he needs to keep his cool a bit more too. I would approach it as its not you dear, it's them.