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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The speeding husband chat. Think my barrage can't survive this reaction

142 replies

MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 19:02

Hi all

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car and about fire hazards with charging phones in bed etc. We have a tricky marriage at the best of times and can't seem to hold an adult conversation without it escalating. So. Today DH was going to collect DSD (she lives with her mum about 20 mins away and is nearly 17) and asked DS if he wanted to go too. DS asked to go in the front. I've been trying to find the right time to have the chat about the speeding and I couldn't let DH take DS in the car without saying something. So I very calmly asked DH to come into another room. I said "I've been wanting to talk to you about what happened on the way to x. I was really worried and uncomfortable about how fast you were driving with us in the car. I need to ask you to slow down" (for info he's always driven quickly and a bit boy racer in his very big, fast and powerful car...my DM bricks it when she's in with him and I also find his general driving "excitable"). He said "I'm not going to counter that right now. You are so dangerous and there are times when I'm in your cat and I'm scared". I said there is no excuse whatsoever for driving that fast withus in the car". DH..."you don't strap DS into the buggy...how dangerous is that?" (Occasionally we have let DS sit in buggy without buckling if it's a very short hop from one bit to next and he has done it as well...it's not right but a grey area if he's using that stick to beat me when he's not innocent of it himself). He stomped off shouting and swearing and went to put car seat in the car. He came back in and said "There is a difference between speed and.." but I jumped in saying "there is NO occasion where that speed is acceptable with the children and I. It's dangerous and irresponsible. 130+mph is never ok". He turned said "I drove at 130. So what? What would happen?" I said "A crash! It's not just your on the road and if something went wrong we would not survive". He shouted "no! Just no!" And went off. Leaving me sobbing and completely gobsmacked that he on any level thinks it's OK, but also that he turns it back on me and deflects blame onto me (VERY typical behaviour) and says I'M the dangerous one.
I feel I need to give masses of back story here but suffice it to say this is a very very big straw breaking a camel's back.

How patient are you all and AIBU to think solicitors?

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 06/08/2017 19:49

I agree with Santa.
Reacting to anything that feels like criticism by attacking you, is a sign of a very defensive person, who doesn't really have any interest in your feelings or point of view.

Don't let that go. Return to it, in a calm moment, and say " when you seemed unwilling to listen to what I was saying about speeding, it made me feel ...." Whatever you felt.
Cause if you have a relationship where you find it difficult to be heard, on something you feel strongly about, well, the writings on the wall.
Persist.
For you. And for the dangerous driving issue.

ButchyRestingFace · 06/08/2017 19:51

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car

I struggled to read past the first sentence.

I know you said this happened in Germany but speed limit or no speed limit, I'd be popping in to see a friendly divorce lawyer tomorrow.

AngelaTwerkel · 06/08/2017 19:52

What a knob.

Even if you're the world's best driver (and that's debatable - good drivers don't feel the need to drive at those speeds), there's no way you can account for other drivers' behaviour. What a fucking loser.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 06/08/2017 19:54

I can't imagine that driving is the only area in his life that this guy acts like a stupid arrogant twat, is it?

I really dislike him.

DancingLedge · 06/08/2017 19:55

Just reread the OP.
Sometimes there is that straw.
Are you thinking solicitor? Sometimes you just know when you've reached that point.
How you doing, OP?

WiseDad · 06/08/2017 19:58

130mph on autobahn is nothing. Have done 145 for a while and averaged 120mph for hours. Mind you car is designed for that, and the roads are as well. You need a lot of space and visibility for this.

In U.K. on country roads or in town are where the accidents happen and where the accidents that kill or injure are. There is no space, no visibility and other drivers. Anything fast need to be done with conditions in mind. Given the points for speeding I rather doubt he has the required awareness. (30 years driving and zero points ever and I don't drive slowly)

Challenging a man on their driving is an ego challenge. Your approach sounded very good but it may not have immediate results. The other posters are, in typical MN style, all about escalation and being smarter than the other person. This escalation won't work as the barriers go up with men typically. They should step back and think how. Ugh they like being criticised.

My only suggestion echos what someone else said. Reflect more on the risks of someone else doing something dumb at speed that can't be avoided. Oh and buy a skid pan course or high speed driving course. It's harder than you think to change direction at high speed without loosing control, hence a driving plan that looks a long way ahead is essential.

SleepFreeZone · 06/08/2017 20:03

I can't stand how my DP drives. So much so that I will not let him take both kids in the car with him unless I'm there too, so we can all be in the crash together basically 😬

He doesn't speed but he drives aggressively. Up the arse of other drivers, has to dab the brakes constantly as he is tailgating. Leaves no room for other people's crap driving so I spend the whole time tense and feeling ill. I have talked to him about it and he accepts the criticism but carrys in driving the same.

You have my sympathies as my father drove how your husband drives and I spent a lot of time very very scared. Wouldn't wish that fear on my worst enemy.

ItsNachoCheese · 06/08/2017 20:05

He clearly doesnt give a toss about you or your dc. To knowingly drive at those speeds with dc in the car is unforgivable

happypoobum · 06/08/2017 20:06

I would tell him I wouldn't be getting in a car with him again and he could not have my DC in the car with him.

Does DSS mother know he drives like a cunt?

If this is the final straw then yes, solicitors. Life is bloody short. Flowers

Blossomdeary · 06/08/2017 20:10

Perhaps you would like to invite him to visit the brain injury unit where I worked and see the state that people are left in: no speech, paralysed, kept alive by machines.

Or worse still visit their loved ones and see what they have to say.

I never speed - the limits are there for a reason. I have seen what exceeding them can do.

Shop him to the police.

Refuse to get in the car with him.

He is a complete idiot.

pictish · 06/08/2017 20:11

What an idiot! Everything about this is idiotic...the speed he drives at, his arrogance about it and the way he argues with you on a tit for tat basis. He sounds irresponsible, immature and rather vindictive.
I certainly wouldn't get into (or allow my children into) a car with a proud fool who thinks he's Jensen Button on the public roads. He may well kill someone one day.

goodnessidontknow · 06/08/2017 20:12

Tbh you pose far more risk by doing 36 in a 30 than he does by driving at 130 on the autobahn!

Queenioqueenio · 06/08/2017 20:13

He is 100% in the wrong and reacted this way because he didn't like you pointing it out.
As a PP said shop him to the police and refuse to let your kids in the car with him.

pictish · 06/08/2017 20:14

130 was on autobahn but he quite often does 90-100 in the UK, even with us in the car.

Seriously, this guy has cheese for a brain.

Hassled · 06/08/2017 20:19

There's a level of arrogance in a determined speeder which I just can't abide. The view that what they want to do is way more important than how they're making passengers feel and how much potential danger they're creating - except of course they wouldn't acknowledge the danger exists because of the arrogance. I assume the arrogance has spilled over into the rest of married life - it must suck, and I'm sorry.

thatdearoctopus · 06/08/2017 20:19

He was confident in his abilities as a driver

Yeah, like every boy-racer twat says. Angry

CotswoldStrife · 06/08/2017 20:21

So from what you've said he has always driven like this regardless of who was in the car. You knew this already so it's a very odd reason to claim as a catalyst for ending your marriage. Which makes me think you have another reason but are using the speeding instead. I don't think that's going to be a successful strategy for you, tbh!

If you are unhappy then yes you need to say so and do something about it but the speeding (although I would not be happy with that at all) seems the wrong thing to aim at in these circumstances, IYSWIM. If your DS could say that he wanted to go in the front you've obviously been letting your (D)H drive him around for a fair while already, so to say tonight that he can't is not an effective strategy.

pictish · 06/08/2017 20:25

He was confident in his abilities as a driver

Good for him. Is he confident in all the other drivers' abilities too, because he's not the only one on the road is he? How are he and his passengers going to fare in the face of someone else's mistake when he's tanking along at 100 mph? Not very well I'd wager. Carnage comes to mind.

Beenbadwolf · 06/08/2017 20:28

People like your husband make me fucking angry.

I lost a sister when she was killed my a speeding dick.

Speed kills.

Tell him to grow a fucking conscious and think of others before himself.

AngryAngryAngry

CheckpointCharlie2 · 06/08/2017 20:28

sleepfreezone my dad drives like this. With my kids in the car. I've told him he's not taking them anywhere ever again if he doesn't stop as my dd was really scared earlier in the week about him almost crashing because he refused to pull over to let someone in off a slip road.

OP - nightmare for you. Don't let him take them is really the only thing I can think of. But also as sleep says it's unbelievably stressful and I'm amazed you've coped this long. If he doesn't listen then I would see it as a big enough deal to split.

MyRedPepper · 06/08/2017 20:30

So the 130 mph was in Germany wasn't it?
Is that right that, even though there is no speed limit on motorway there, insurances will not cover you if you go over a certain speed or did I make that one out?

I suspect that you can tell him until you are blue in the face that it's dangerous, he won't back down. Because he really think he is safe, he knows what he is doing and really it's not that fast....

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 06/08/2017 20:30

If he drives while banned he'll go to prison. Seen it many times. He's a tit for taking these risks. His need to be right and not change his behaviour sounds pathological to me.

JaneEyre70 · 06/08/2017 20:31

I used to have a male friend who had a BMW, and he drove like a complete twat in it. I lived in a quiet village down rural windy lanes, and one night driving home, he sped up and was doing around 80-90mph and nearly had a head on with another car. My friend and I were crying in the back, and even his other mate in the front was shouting at him. I've never forgotten the absolute terror I felt, and never got in a car with him again after that.

Being totally serious, he's not only endangering his life but he's endangering your kids and yours. There is no way I would ever get in a car with him again, or let your children. Let him kill himself, but you will never forgive yourself if something happens and you let the kids go with him Sad.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 06/08/2017 20:32

As a cautionary note, my xh also drives like a cunt. Speeding awareness course had 0 effect.

Now we're separated he has free rein to drive however he likes, whenever they're with him, without me there to 'nag' Angry him about maybe not endangering their lives...

I pray he'll get banned. Twat.

MyRedPepper · 06/08/2017 20:32

I also agree with a PP. It's not just that it's dangerous.
It's also the fact he has no respect for your feelings and your pov. It's his way or the highway really. You don't get a say.

Seeing that you are considering going to see a sollicitor, does he also behave in that way in other areas of your marriage?