The speeding husband chat. Think my barrage can't survive this reaction

[MissCommunication]

Hi all

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car and about fire hazards with charging phones in bed etc. We have a tricky marriage at the best of times and can't seem to hold an adult conversation without it escalating. So. Today DH was going to collect DSD (she lives with her mum about 20 mins away and is nearly 17) and asked DS if he wanted to go too. DS asked to go in the front. I've been trying to find the right time to have the chat about the speeding and I couldn't let DH take DS in the car without saying something. So I very calmly asked DH to come into another room. I said "I've been wanting to talk to you about what happened on the way to x. I was really worried and uncomfortable about how fast you were driving with us in the car. I need to ask you to slow down" (for info he's always driven quickly and a bit boy racer in his very big, fast and powerful car...my DM bricks it when she's in with him and I also find his general driving "excitable"). He said "I'm not going to counter that right now. You are so dangerous and there are times when I'm in your cat and I'm scared". I said there is no excuse whatsoever for driving that fast withus in the car". DH..."you don't strap DS into the buggy...how dangerous is that?" (Occasionally we have let DS sit in buggy without buckling if it's a very short hop from one bit to next and he has done it as well...it's not right but a grey area if he's using that stick to beat me when he's not innocent of it himself). He stomped off shouting and swearing and went to put car seat in the car. He came back in and said "There is a difference between speed and.." but I jumped in saying "there is NO occasion where that speed is acceptable with the children and I. It's dangerous and irresponsible. 130+mph is never ok". He turned said "I drove at 130. So what? What would happen?" I said "A crash! It's not just your on the road and if something went wrong we would not survive". He shouted "no! Just no!" And went off. Leaving me sobbing and completely gobsmacked that he on any level thinks it's OK, but also that he turns it back on me and deflects blame onto me (VERY typical behaviour) and says I'M the dangerous one.
I feel I need to give masses of back story here but suffice it to say this is a very very big straw breaking a camel's back.

How patient are you all and AIBU to think solicitors?

of course all the speeding drivers who did kill somebody in a car crash or end up on a life support machine had spent the years before the crash telling everybody how they were absolutely rotten drivers with no control whatsoever over the wheel

because these things never happen to the people who know they are shit hot drivers...

Obviously he's a dick but why do you need his permission to protect your children?

Why was DS allowed to go in the car when you knew he was going to speed? You were obviously more afraid of his immediate reaction than of your child being in a dangerous car. Why?

Oh god no!!!! I've been trained massively re driving but I wouldn't do it with kids in the car chick!!

Other than maybe a high speed police chase, nobody should ever, ever do that speed. It doesn't matter whether you have kids in the car or not- you are still putting the lives of other innocent people just going about their business at risk. If I am driving on the motorway and some twat is doing 130 mph, I couldn't give a shit whether he has a whole school-class in there. It's not just about you and your family- it's about the thousands of other people and families on the road who deserve not to be mashed up by a maniac.

Also, the comments about the autobahn, let me remind you that they have had many horrendous mass pile-ups on the autobahn and for a country so safety conscious, Germany has a much higher incidence of road deaths than the UK. Not something to aspire to.

I would divorce him. He is selfish and has no regard for human life.

My friend was paralysed from the neck down when her car was clipped by some idiot doing 90mph. She was 27 and is now entirely reliant on carers. This guy is driving 40 mph faster than that and the driver in my friend's case was described by the judge as being reckless beyond belief.

What Papafran said. There is something seriously screwed up about only caring about the people travelling in your own car and to hell with anybody else. And it's not just about the risk of the crash happening in the first place: it's also about those people's chances of survival and recovery being directly affected by the speed at which you are travelling.

@MissCommunication I get the feeling you're looking for support on more than the driving. Why don't you start another thread and we can help you on that? Maybe give you a chance to lay the back story down and get some perspective relating to the marriage as a whole. I know you've already mentioned there is more to it. Just a thought.
FWIW, yanbu. He is a fool and you don't need to suffer him! I wonder what he would say if (when!!) he does cause a serious accident. It's so sad.

Thank you everyone. Yes, I will start another thread..best in relationships or here? It'll be a long one though, I warn you!

All the more reason to LTB.

It's good that DSD is able to talk about her difficult father with the driving: she will have been negatively affected by him too.

I hate that so much. I would definitely refuse to get in the car or allow your children in the car with him. Why do some fast or dangerous drivers get so angry when you challenge them ?! It shouldn't be the case as it's your life in their hands. You sister has validated it also. No more excuses.

Sadly even if OP separates from him she can't easily prevent him driving fast/badly with the young DC. At least his teen daughter can complain.

I would phone the non emergency number for the police & get some advice from them. You are right to think that your children & anyone else that may be out are in real danger from that arrogant bellend.

"So little regard for anyone else."

Quite. Why should you risk anything, never mind your safety and that of your children, in order to be with such a creature?
No brainer. Get shot. x

If he likes to drive so fast, can you not suggest he gets involved in 'track days' ?
If you don't know, that's where you take your own car to a race track and compete with other drivers, would that help to get it out of his system ?

Your car will need a full service and new tires after, when I had my XK Jaguar the owners manual had a section dedicated to track days and what was required service wise afterwards !

I only did it once as new rear tires were £300 each !

@MissCommunication start it in relationships I guess but you could link here. I'm new to all this linking and highlighting and other-ing stuff 😝
Be as long as you like, that's what it's all about. Getting it off your chest, out of your head so you can fit some clarity in there!!

p.s have 'speeding' or something in the title so we can find you! Hugs xx

I'll do it from my laptop as on the phone is impossible. Thanks again ALL of you!

Hi. I've done a very potted history in Relationships. I can't go through everything as it'll be too long and take too much time. Just can't do it with kids around and DH around so have grabbed a tiny big of time while DD asleep and DS watching telly but the chance has gone now. Will update last night's crap conversation when I said we needed to discuss his attitude to my request he slows down. Suffice it to say it was batted back and made about how badly I behave and treat him.