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AIBU?

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Original poster

The speeding husband chat. Think my barrage can't survive this reaction

142 replies

MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 19:02

Hi all

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car and about fire hazards with charging phones in bed etc. We have a tricky marriage at the best of times and can't seem to hold an adult conversation without it escalating. So. Today DH was going to collect DSD (she lives with her mum about 20 mins away and is nearly 17) and asked DS if he wanted to go too. DS asked to go in the front. I've been trying to find the right time to have the chat about the speeding and I couldn't let DH take DS in the car without saying something. So I very calmly asked DH to come into another room. I said "I've been wanting to talk to you about what happened on the way to x. I was really worried and uncomfortable about how fast you were driving with us in the car. I need to ask you to slow down" (for info he's always driven quickly and a bit boy racer in his very big, fast and powerful car...my DM bricks it when she's in with him and I also find his general driving "excitable"). He said "I'm not going to counter that right now. You are so dangerous and there are times when I'm in your cat and I'm scared". I said there is no excuse whatsoever for driving that fast withus in the car". DH..."you don't strap DS into the buggy...how dangerous is that?" (Occasionally we have let DS sit in buggy without buckling if it's a very short hop from one bit to next and he has done it as well...it's not right but a grey area if he's using that stick to beat me when he's not innocent of it himself). He stomped off shouting and swearing and went to put car seat in the car. He came back in and said "There is a difference between speed and.." but I jumped in saying "there is NO occasion where that speed is acceptable with the children and I. It's dangerous and irresponsible. 130+mph is never ok". He turned said "I drove at 130. So what? What would happen?" I said "A crash! It's not just your on the road and if something went wrong we would not survive". He shouted "no! Just no!" And went off. Leaving me sobbing and completely gobsmacked that he on any level thinks it's OK, but also that he turns it back on me and deflects blame onto me (VERY typical behaviour) and says I'M the dangerous one.
I feel I need to give masses of back story here but suffice it to say this is a very very big straw breaking a camel's back.

How patient are you all and AIBU to think solicitors?

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 06/08/2017 20:34

Just have to add that no one drives like a "cunt" - they lack the depth and warmth.
Not much help but just adding that.

pictish · 06/08/2017 20:35

I agree Jayne. He can smash himself into a pulp if he insists but he wouldn't get the opportunity to take my kids along too. He's being a complete thicko, so he can't be trusted. No more kids in the car.

Nanny0gg · 06/08/2017 20:37

If they split up, how exactly can she stop him taking his children in the car?

Original poster
MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 20:38

Thanks guys. For me this whole thing is indicative of a wider issue in our marriage, hence saying about back story and camel's back. I don't know whether to give the back story here or start another thread.

The big thing about his utterly arrogant and shit reaction today is that he wasn't even willing to acknowledge that I had a concern and was voicing it, that he has so little regard for our safety and my opinions. He gaslights and undermines me all the time. While I was having the initial chat I was hot and prickly and nervous. I KNEW it would blow up however calmly I broached it, which is why I kept my trap shut whilst it was happening on the trip. I can't challenge him when he's throwing his big Porsche round corners because an argument at high seed can only end up one way.

So. Do you want more information or is the shit attitude enough without more information about our history and the state of our marriage? There's no infidelity or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 20:39

Nanny that is a BIG worry for me. I'll have to ask solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 20:42

Badwolf I am.SO so sorry about your sister. Flowers

OP posts:
pictish · 06/08/2017 20:45

Say no more OP. LTB. xx

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/08/2017 20:53

My German dh will very occasionally do short bursts of 180-200 kph (not miles!) on the autobahn, when conditions are right. It's usually more like 130-140. And where there are speed limits (variably in place on probably more autobahn than is without them at any one time) he sticks to them. As he has always done when driving in the UK.
Anything above 200 is too much even for him, and Google informs me that 130mph is the best part of 210 Shock

If your dh has multiple points (ykwim) he clearly believes himself above the law, quite apart from the lack of consideration for you.

FairfaxAikman · 06/08/2017 20:56

I've attended a fair few fatal crashes through work (not emergency services) and I can honestly say nothing makes you think more about your driving than smelling the petrol on the road and seeing the cops pick bits of cars out or tree branches 15ft in the air.
Bet none of them ever thought it would happen to them.
Problem is people get so blasé in their tin boxes that they think it will protect them against anything.
You DH is a total dick - he needs to see a scene like that to make him realise he's not fucking invincible.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2017 21:38

He sounds like an arrogant twat in general. There is no set threshold for bad behaviour that he has to reach before you leave. The simple thing is, do you believe that your and the DC's lives will be better overall with you together or you apart.
I know which option I have my money on.

DancingLedge · 06/08/2017 21:43

Miscommunication what do you want from us?

specialsubject · 06/08/2017 22:23

Never get in a car with him again. The kids will need a parent.

He thinks he is above the law. No other reason needed. I hope you can find a way out.

Maelstrop · 06/08/2017 22:28

Report him, tell police his route, tell them you're scared for your child. Can you prevent him taking your child?

BannedFromNarnia · 06/08/2017 22:58

I don't think we need the back story to see he's a twat but would it help to talk it out?

Speeding like that is just not safe. It's all very well for him - am I right in guessing he's in one of those appallingly crass Porsche Cayennes? - thinking he's such a great driver but no matter what the safety features on your car, no matter how strong it is, over a certain speed the shake of the crash will just kill you.

I'm a good driver with good reactions and a fair interpretation of my own skills. That's why I don't speed - I understand why the limits are set where they are.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 22:58

I don't know how I can prevent it.

As for what I want? Well, balance, perspective, fairness? Advice. Not sure I understand the question...what does anyone posting here want?

OP posts:
Madwoman5 · 06/08/2017 23:06

Mastered the art of detracting hasn't he. Two wrongs do not make a right
I am sure cozy powell was enjoying his drive until his tyre blew and he was killed outright. If he wants to drive like a dick and kill himself....fine BUT NOT WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN THE CAR! Your kids don't have a choice. I would not be allowing them any where near his car. Period.

HiJenny35 · 07/08/2017 00:14

I think he sounds vile. How dare he think it's ok to endanger everyone else on the road because he thinks he can handle driving at that speed. He's an irresponsible prick. You are irresponsible to let your children in a car with a man who drives like that and you should report to the police that he constantly drives at these sort of speeds and his normal route and time of journey and hopefully they will ban him before he kills someone innocent through his stupidity.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/08/2017 07:30

Bannedfromnarnia you need to try a cayenne. They're bloody brilliant to drive (petrol engines at least - never tried a diesel). And like all really good cars you don't need to drive them at excessive speeds to enjoy them.
I'd be tempted to ring my local police, report your concerns and see if they can send a local officer to speak to him. Show him a few pictures of fatal crashes, tell him about some stretches in prison people get for even minor infractions which have lead to fatalities. And give them his reg number and details of frequently used routes while you're at it.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 07/08/2017 07:34

Agree that the Cayenne is a lovely car. But also agree that it doesn't need to be razzed and hurled around corners.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/08/2017 07:39

From what you say about him his reaction was entirely predictable. Sounds like you've had grounds for a long time to LTB but have been hoping - against all logic and evidence - that he will change. Very unlikely.

rizlett · 07/08/2017 07:49

Put on your suit of amour op because it sounds like your thread title is exactly spot on.

It's not a marriage - it's a barrage.

Time to leave before you all are beaten.

JungleInTheRumble · 07/08/2017 07:56

Sounds awful. My partner sometimes drives in ways I don't like (too fast, too close to the car in front etc.) But I can always tell him how I feel and he'll stop - with some moaning and arguing but he will stop. It's not right that he behaves like this with you.

sharklovers · 07/08/2017 08:05

I'm with your DH I'm afraid. I used to exceed 130mph in the UK several times a day but tend to keep it below ban territory these days. Autobahn is fair game though, the 155mph limiter has been mapped out of my car specifically for this reason. Completely clean license but my step dad (retired senior traffic cop) was most disappointed when I got a speed awareness course last year - his exact words "If you're going to get done then do it properly and make sure you're well into three figures!" Apparently that's his philosophy when out on his bike!

AztecHero · 07/08/2017 08:11

How utterly irresponsible shark of you and your step-dad.

OP, I may be wrong, but a few years ago we were looking at Cayenne and apparently there was an issue with the centre of gravity which makes it quite tippy around corners. They may have changed that since then (this was a good 7-8 years ago) and I may be wrong anyway.

I think I'd tip off the police on his regular routes also tbh. He may well kill someone through sheer arrogance one day.

pictish · 07/08/2017 08:13

So Shark what do you do when the lorry ahead of you suddenly ends up across the carriageway with no warning? Or some other idiot ignores a Give Way sign?
Oh that's right...you die! Sweet!

Your ex senior traffic cop stepdad sounds like an idiot too. You do get them!