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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The speeding husband chat. Think my barrage can't survive this reaction

142 replies

MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 19:02

Hi all

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car and about fire hazards with charging phones in bed etc. We have a tricky marriage at the best of times and can't seem to hold an adult conversation without it escalating. So. Today DH was going to collect DSD (she lives with her mum about 20 mins away and is nearly 17) and asked DS if he wanted to go too. DS asked to go in the front. I've been trying to find the right time to have the chat about the speeding and I couldn't let DH take DS in the car without saying something. So I very calmly asked DH to come into another room. I said "I've been wanting to talk to you about what happened on the way to x. I was really worried and uncomfortable about how fast you were driving with us in the car. I need to ask you to slow down" (for info he's always driven quickly and a bit boy racer in his very big, fast and powerful car...my DM bricks it when she's in with him and I also find his general driving "excitable"). He said "I'm not going to counter that right now. You are so dangerous and there are times when I'm in your cat and I'm scared". I said there is no excuse whatsoever for driving that fast withus in the car". DH..."you don't strap DS into the buggy...how dangerous is that?" (Occasionally we have let DS sit in buggy without buckling if it's a very short hop from one bit to next and he has done it as well...it's not right but a grey area if he's using that stick to beat me when he's not innocent of it himself). He stomped off shouting and swearing and went to put car seat in the car. He came back in and said "There is a difference between speed and.." but I jumped in saying "there is NO occasion where that speed is acceptable with the children and I. It's dangerous and irresponsible. 130+mph is never ok". He turned said "I drove at 130. So what? What would happen?" I said "A crash! It's not just your on the road and if something went wrong we would not survive". He shouted "no! Just no!" And went off. Leaving me sobbing and completely gobsmacked that he on any level thinks it's OK, but also that he turns it back on me and deflects blame onto me (VERY typical behaviour) and says I'M the dangerous one.
I feel I need to give masses of back story here but suffice it to say this is a very very big straw breaking a camel's back.

How patient are you all and AIBU to think solicitors?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 07/08/2017 08:18

Also live in Germany and agree with pp that 180 kph (110 mph) is not unusual here, but it is usually only the motorbikes that regularly go at 200 kph or more.

I didn't use to like it when my ex drove at 180 kph as you could feel the steering wheel turn slightly at every little bump on the road and knew he didn't have as much control. He also used to drive much too close to the car in front - didn't have any awareness of braking distances. I wonder if there was less emphasis on it at German driving schools. Or maybe it is just his family, as they all pride themselves on driving fast as a sign of manliness the tossers.

When I asked him to drive slower he'd always do it with a nasty grim look on his face then gradually speed up again. I think he felt I was trying to be controlling. I have to say that since we split up this is one big source of relief to me, not to have to either drive too fast for my liking or feel like I'm being controlling. Still can't stop him driving the kids at that speed, though Sad.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 08:21

Tbh you pose far more risk by doing 36 in a 30 than he does by driving at 130 on the autobahn!

I agree.

MyRedPepper · 07/08/2017 08:24

Shark this remind me of a story in France some years and years ago.
Someone got a speeding ticket for being way way over the speed limit on the motorway (similar to your 130mph here).
It went to Courts and argue that actually he was less dangerous than all the other drivers on the road driving at the speed limit. This was Alain Prost, the racing car driver (with, yes, reactions and reactions time that were way over/better than the ones of most people). The french Court agreed with him and let him off the hook (with maybe a fine, I cannot remember).

So now I would really like to know. Are you a car racing driver? Do you have any real experience of driving fast, needing some very quick reaction time etc? I mean bar your speeding in the motorway which really doesn't count.
Is the OP's along the same line? Someone who can prove that they have capabilities way beyond the ones of most people on the road?

I suspect this is NOT the case. Not for the OP's DH, not for you Shark or your dsd.
And that means you are all real liabilities in the road, dangerous people who are happy to play not just with their own life but also with the life of the people around them. Because let's face it, if they do have an accident, I would be surprised that it's just their car that will be involved....

pictish · 07/08/2017 08:26

Things you never realised you were grateful for number 362...

My dh doesn't hang around when he's driving (neither do I) but he doesn't exceed the speed limit and drive like a dipshit with a death wish either.

pictish · 07/08/2017 08:36

No Pepper you don't understand - these guys...OP's dh, Shark and his stepdad have ALL got superior driving skills as well as magical reflexes. Plus, they've all watched The Fast and the Furious and the guy in that was fine!

LilyMcClellan · 07/08/2017 08:42

Christ almighty. I live in a country where the speed limit is 100kmh... yes, kilometers! I'd be upset with my OH for traveling at 130kmh with me and the kids in the car. I realize the roads are different in Europe but 130mph with kids in the car is so far beyond acceptable that I don't even know what I would do. As you say, he is clearly not capable of prioritizing their safety.

mogulfield · 07/08/2017 08:47

I think the way the way he treated you when you tried to bring it up is the problem here.
Oh and the fact he's willing to do it with the DC in the car, height of arrogance.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/08/2017 08:51

ravenmum (like the name Grin ), dh is good at distances, but there are a heck of a lot of people who drive very close behind when he is doing at or just under the speed limit Hmm

reetgood · 07/08/2017 08:57

Aside from the fact that speeding is totally unnecessary and dangerous, he's not listening to your concerns.

The 'yes but you' comms style is a pet peeve of mine. Next time you're discussing speeding or another behaviour, use the broken record technique along with accepting it. 'That's true, we'll talk about that another time. Right now we are talking about (speeding). I would like an assurance from you that you're not going to put our children in danger by speeding.' Response will be defensive. 'Ok, but that's something different to what we're talking about right now. Your driving fast is dangerous and I feel anxious about it. How can you help with that?' etc. If you want, add consequences. Don't make it go on for too long. Clearly there's issues here but even if you separate you'll still have to deal with this so may as well get practice in.

sharklovers · 07/08/2017 09:02

So now I would really like to know. Are you a car racing driver? Do you have any real experience of driving fast, needing some very quick reaction time etc.

Well that depends on what you consider to be experience/training. Hundreds of hours of advanced tuition on the road with a police instructor, at least one track day per month where I spend time with an instructor and several hundred thousand miles in very high performance cars not to mention the hundreds of thousands of miles in mundane cars. I'm no F1 driver but I'm pretty handy behind the wheel and have been described as having natural talent and capable of certain techniques that others struggle with.

As for my step dad, grade 1 certificates for both cars and motorcycles and a 30 year police career including time as a motorcyclist, traffic cop, motorway cop, and a stint at the police driving school as an advanced instructor, so yeah, he's a pretty shit hot driver.

I've never really been a motorway speeder btw, that only becomes fun once the speeds get very high hence the autobahn. No way am I prepared to do 170mph+ in the UK.

Anxietyreallyblows · 07/08/2017 09:02

Next time you are in the car with him and he's speeding, text the police.

www.emergencysms.org.uk/how_to_send_text.php

pictish · 07/08/2017 09:05

It doesn't matter how shit hot a driver you reckon you are - you still can't predict or control what other not-so-shit-hot drivers do on the road can you?

pictish · 07/08/2017 09:13

If you are bombing along at 90+ flexing your superskilled driver muscles and someone shoots directly into your path, you're absolutely fucked. No driving course I've ever heard of offers immortality as far as I'm aware.

AztecHero · 07/08/2017 09:14

That's the thing shark. You said you were 'with' the OP's DH. The Op has not said, but I am assuming that he does not have all the advanced training you have had. So it is more reasonable to say that people who do not have such advanced training should not be driving like dicks on the road. As you have ahd the training you must be more aware that others ought not to behave in the car unless they are able to control it.

And as others have said- no matter how good a driver you may be, it is the unpredictability of other drivers you may need to look out for.

That's if you cannot be bothered to take into account the frightened people in your own car.

laureywilliams · 07/08/2017 09:15

shark and if you have a passenger in your car who asks you to slow down, do you?

pictish · 07/08/2017 09:15

"I'm no F1 driver but I'm pretty handy behind the wheel and have been described as having natural talent and capable of certain techniques that others struggle with."

laureywilliams · 07/08/2017 09:17

It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back and a perfectly good reason to leave him. For the disrespect as much as the speed.

But how to do it without finding him taking your dc off in the car? How old are they?

This is what you need to speak to a solicitor about. Or plan how to get him banned before you leave. I wonder if a video of him would do it?

AztecHero · 07/08/2017 09:18

my first para is pretty rambling, but hopefully you know what I mean.

It could be summed up really as 'don't be a dick'

user1498911589 · 07/08/2017 09:26

Solicitors and police re the speeding. If he regularly drives at 130mph with the kids in the car then you'd have some grounds to refuse him permission to take them in the car, I can't see the courts forcing you to let them given he's regularly driving at nearly double the NSL.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 07/08/2017 09:26

So I've got a friend who has just retired from the Met after 30 years. He was a trainer at Hendon and was on rapid response and armed response teams. This is our exchange:

I need your help with something, bearing in mind your driving experience and training. Putting all personal feelings aside, is driving at 130mph with two children (and wife) in the car acceptable, even on the autobahn? One child in the front in front-facing car seat as well.

Oh god no!!!! I've been trained massively re driving but I wouldn't do it with kids in the car chick!!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 07/08/2017 09:31

Have you noticed the strong correlation between people driving like twats and people being twats? It's a handy short cut to a person's character isn't it.

If I ever find myself single and dating, I'll ask for a lift early on.

MorrisZapp · 07/08/2017 09:32

TBH op that's irrelevant though isn't it. Your DH isn't a rally driver, he's a criminal. What are you thinking of doing to address this?

Loopytiles · 07/08/2017 09:35

You don't need experts' views or other "evidence" to back up your concern on this. Your H is U and won't be convinced: his reaction to your concerns is unsurprising. You already know you're in the right on this.

I bet your H behaves like a twat in other ways too.

mayhew · 07/08/2017 09:39

Oh, god. My best friend had a partner like this. After one car journey, I refused to be driven by him again and I'm not a nervous passenger. She said I was overreacting.
But it was all part of him being a selfish bully, she spent another ten years with him and was half the woman she was by the end.

Tatiannatomasina · 07/08/2017 09:41

I wish he could see the aftermath of head on crashes, not even at great speeds, maybe 60mph. I have. I had to take the parents to the morgue to identify their children. Hearing that mother scream will stay with me forever. Speed kills. Its so sad and so fucking true.