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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The speeding husband chat. Think my barrage can't survive this reaction

142 replies

MissCommunication · 06/08/2017 19:02

Hi all

I've posted about DH driving at 130mph with DC and I in the car and about fire hazards with charging phones in bed etc. We have a tricky marriage at the best of times and can't seem to hold an adult conversation without it escalating. So. Today DH was going to collect DSD (she lives with her mum about 20 mins away and is nearly 17) and asked DS if he wanted to go too. DS asked to go in the front. I've been trying to find the right time to have the chat about the speeding and I couldn't let DH take DS in the car without saying something. So I very calmly asked DH to come into another room. I said "I've been wanting to talk to you about what happened on the way to x. I was really worried and uncomfortable about how fast you were driving with us in the car. I need to ask you to slow down" (for info he's always driven quickly and a bit boy racer in his very big, fast and powerful car...my DM bricks it when she's in with him and I also find his general driving "excitable"). He said "I'm not going to counter that right now. You are so dangerous and there are times when I'm in your cat and I'm scared". I said there is no excuse whatsoever for driving that fast withus in the car". DH..."you don't strap DS into the buggy...how dangerous is that?" (Occasionally we have let DS sit in buggy without buckling if it's a very short hop from one bit to next and he has done it as well...it's not right but a grey area if he's using that stick to beat me when he's not innocent of it himself). He stomped off shouting and swearing and went to put car seat in the car. He came back in and said "There is a difference between speed and.." but I jumped in saying "there is NO occasion where that speed is acceptable with the children and I. It's dangerous and irresponsible. 130+mph is never ok". He turned said "I drove at 130. So what? What would happen?" I said "A crash! It's not just your on the road and if something went wrong we would not survive". He shouted "no! Just no!" And went off. Leaving me sobbing and completely gobsmacked that he on any level thinks it's OK, but also that he turns it back on me and deflects blame onto me (VERY typical behaviour) and says I'M the dangerous one.
I feel I need to give masses of back story here but suffice it to say this is a very very big straw breaking a camel's back.

How patient are you all and AIBU to think solicitors?

OP posts:
Eppia · 07/08/2017 09:41

My job brings me into contact with cases of the surviving victims of people like your husband. Think young DC who were bright, funny and happy and destined for great things in their lives, and then through no fault of their own, some evil (and I don't use that word lightly) arrogant person makes a mistake at high speed and their lives are wrecked. Many of these cases are not the driver's own DC. The driver crashes into the back of the parents' car who (for example) pulled out mistakenly, not anticipating the ridiculous speed of the driver in the fast lane who then literally ploughs into the heads of the kids in the back seat. No car seat can absorb that amount of energy. Lovely family day out that turned to be.

If the DC do survive, and manage to return to mainstream school (at which point the speeding driver whose conscience has been bothering him/her might be thinking, 'phew, thank god they're okay in the end'), the DC then often have to cope with not being able to do simple things they could do years before and falling far, far behind their friends. Long-term, they might never be independent. Oh, and some of them have to deal with this AND the loss of one or both parents. So brain damaged and bereaved little ones. People like your husband steal their futures.

It's evil. Even if he is an excellent driver, others are not, and at those speeds, there's no time for him to react. It's like walking around with a loaded gun.

nachogazpacho · 07/08/2017 09:42

Just say you're not getting in the car until he drives within the speed limit because it's dangerous and you're all frightened. He can argue all he wants but it means nothing if you simply stop going in his car. It does mean taking the kids everywhere yourself but he isn't safe so you'll have to protect them.

ravenmum · 07/08/2017 09:45

is driving at 130mph with two children (and wife) in the car acceptable, even on the autobahn?
Yes, it is acceptable if your wife is happy with your children driving at that speed. If she is not, then it is not acceptable.

drspouse · 07/08/2017 09:47

You said you didn't strap on your DC in the buggy. Did you mean the car seat? If it's just the buggy that's hardly dangerous except maybe for a really tiny baby.

viques · 07/08/2017 09:49

Does the OPs OH (and Shark) check the cars brakes before every single trip? Does he check every tyre for damage and the correct pressure? Do they only drive on roads free from debris from other drivers, and with surfaces that have been checked for potholes? Do they only drive on roads with other people who are driving mechanically sound vehicles, who are not nursing hangovers,high on drugs and who are not half asleep, or distracted by changing a cd, lighting a cigarette, unwrapping a sweet, by children arguing in the back seat? Does the ops OH (and Shark) stop driving in areas where badgers or deer wander across roads?

Do they have a St Christopher medallion dangling from the rear view mirror to protect them?

So that's OK then........

ravenmum · 07/08/2017 09:50

Though you could also point out to your husband that there is a Richtgeschwindigkeitsverordnung which proposes a recommended maximum speed of 130 kph. www.zeit.de/mobilitaet/2017-04/richtgeschwindigkeit-autobahn-tempolimit-rechtslage

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/08/2017 09:51

130 mph is fucking dangerous even on the Autobahn. The speed limit in France is 130 kph (about 80 mph) on similar roads. People will obviously go a bit over 200 kph like you DH is doing is always reckless.

nachogazpacho · 07/08/2017 09:51

Personally I think it's an indicator of someone with little or no empathy. They simply don't understand the feelings of their passengers or the fact that other drivers may surprise them. Or a deer. Or a tyre blowing. Or worn tarmac being slippy.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/08/2017 09:52

Sorry I meant will go over 130 kph but your DH is doing over 200 kph which is always reckless.

MyRedPepper · 07/08/2017 09:52

The OP meant the pushchair, not the car seat.

pictish · 07/08/2017 10:07

And plus Shark may I just make the important point that your opening words on this thread are, "I'm with your DH I'm afraid."

You then go on to claim, "Hundreds of hours of advanced tuition on the road with a police instructor, at least one track day per month where I spend time with an instructor and several hundred thousand miles in very high performance cars not to mention the hundreds of thousands of miles in mundane cars." as some sort of back up for your perceived abilities.

If the above were true, I'd assume you would have an educated grasp of the risk involved in driving at high speeds. For example, how a speeding car in the wrong hands can be deadly. Basic stuff.

You have no idea as to the experience or driving skill of the OP's dp. He is quite likely to be Average Joe with no advanced driving experience or skills to speak of, yet you are "with him" on this one. Are you really? How irresponsible of you, given your alleged "advanced tuition with a police instructor. " Smile
If you had the slightest clue you would not have posted what you did.

You sound like every other tool out there who thinks they're a brilliant driver. You're full of it.
The reason I am addressing you about it is because it's people like you with your "natural talent" that cause death on the roads.
Don't be that guy.

BillBrysonsBeard · 07/08/2017 10:12

That is so irresponsible.. DP used to drive like a dick when he had a fast car, always having spontaneous races or winding people up.. I had so many terrifying moments in that car and so many near misses at 90mph. I used to scream at him to slow down but was nervous to incase he got more wound up. Fucking male ego and their dick measuring contests. (not all men I know!)
Thankfully two children and a slower car has put the speed freak to bed. Your DH should definitely be adjusting his driving when others are in the car. If he wants to risk his own life that's fine..

missmoz · 07/08/2017 10:17

Can't imagine anything more arrogant than having a clearly terrified passenger screaming at you to slow down, and ignoring them because your fragile male ego depends on driving fast.

Don't get in his car. Don't let the kids get in his car. Leave him.

babyboomersrock · 07/08/2017 10:21

I'm no F1 driver but I'm pretty handy behind the wheel and have been described as having natural talent and capable of certain techniques that others struggle with

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

pictish · 07/08/2017 10:25

It's the "capable of certain techniques that others struggle with" that seals it really. Hmm Grin
Of course you are dear. They all are. It's all that natural talent.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 10:26

Shark I'm rather astonished. On another thread when someone was talking about their friend who drove without a licence and they said it didn't matter because "they are a good driver" you said "Bollocks".

Can I apply your own phrase back at you? Because anyone who breaks the law by speeding (I'll allow a few mph over the limits) is just as irresponsible and a bad driver as someone who is uninsured.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 07/08/2017 10:26

DC are 5 and nearly 1.

And Mayhew for a variety of reasons I am an opaque version of myself ten years ago. Edited around the edges is how I describe it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissCommunication · 07/08/2017 10:29

Buggy. And never ever ever the baby. And short hops only and never in the bike trailer being towed along.

OP posts:
KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/08/2017 10:37

Shark is a complete tool. So dumb she hasn't noticed that the training she has done (allegedly - I wouldn't train her to clean my fish tank) is for people who have to drive like that in exceptional circumstances, with sirens and flashing lights and with the benefit of road rules telling other drivers to get out of their way.

drspouse · 07/08/2017 10:55

A child who can sit up (and isn't going to jump out while crossing the road) is at no risk at all not buckled in in the buggy. This is not in the slightest bit comparable. It's like saying you don't always put a child's reins on when they are walking, or you don't put a bike helmet on while they are walking - it's irrelevant and unnecessary anyway.

Someone who is this arrogant should not be allowed to drive, but given that you/the police haven't yet managed to prevent this, they shouldn't be driving children.

I don't suppose there's any point in telling the police that he's admitted to regularly massively breaking the UK speed limit, they won't put a flag on his licence plate or anything.

But then, someone who is this arrogant is not responsible enough to be a husband and father.

To those who say he can speed when he's on his own - he has children who might be quite sad if their DF kills himself through his own stupidity.

MyRedPepper · 07/08/2017 11:19

Shark comment reminded me why it's often those who have done some 'advance training' that are even more dangerous than your average driver. They seem to miss the bit in the training about safety, the danger of going at high speed AND the fact that driving on a track on your own has nothing to do with driving on a road surrounded by other cars.

justilou · 07/08/2017 11:20

His reaction is very weird. You should look at personality disorders and driving. You might find something relevant.

MyRedPepper · 07/08/2017 11:21

And Mayhew for a variety of reasons I am an opaque version of myself ten years ago. Edited around the edges is how I describe it.

That says it all.
It's not the driving that is an issue. It's his arrogance, the fact he has to right and is, in some ways, controlling too.
What about posting in Relationships and looking at the whole picture?

mayhew · 07/08/2017 13:16

Well she did eventually leave him, feeling her life was over at 40. I had to strongly encourage her once she started on her new path.
18 years later, she has had some amazing adventures and has a completely different life on another continent. And she's steered clear of bullying arse holes ever since.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 07/08/2017 19:17

Hi all

It gets worse. I found out from my sister who gave DSD a lift today that she had to ask DH to slow down on the way back to our house yesterday. She apparently had to make a big deal about worrying about her new sewing machine in the boot before he eventually slowed down. Which makes me wonder how fast he drove over there with DS by himself. DSD told my sister that she and her mother had battled with him over his speeding and that he'd written off his first Porsche. She's just about to turn 17 and will be getting driving lessons....she told my sister that she wanted a small car because daddy has put me off big cars. Sister asked why, and she said because he drives too fast.

He drive so fast with two of his three children that 17 year old had to really make a deal of it, not more than an hour after I'd had a conversation about his speed.

He's an arrogant and selfish arsehole. I will be seeing a solicitor next week and stonewalling. This is a massive deal and the final straw. So little regard for anyone else.

OP posts: