To think niece secretly knew she was pregnant?

[Wkdmama]

My niece recently gave birth to a healthy DS. Thing is, she didn't tell anyone she was preggers so we all found out on the day she gave birth. Luckily both are healthy.

No-one else know- we knew she'd put on weight but there was no obvious baby bump. Now I realise she was wearing loose clothes, and she had put on weight rapidly, but I didn't think it was my place to have a conversation about her weight.

My sister- her Mum- is a single parent and my niece's dad has been out of the picture for years. Dad was a total loser and gaslighted sis and niece. Its been very hard for them but I had thought they coped well. Now I worry that actually the pregnancy concealment was deliberate and a cry for help, and I'm also worried by my sister's reaction.

Niece's gran just came out with it and asked niece whether she knew. Niece said no. Gran says 'well didn't you have any symptoms/feel anything moving'- bearing in mind this is 8lb full term baby. Niece says she felt something but home pregnancy test was negative and doctor refused to test for pregnancy because she was on contraception. So- this is where it sounds wrong to me. A doctor wouldn't turn a young female thinking they are preggers away without a test, correct? And then a failed home test when you feel a baby (so quite far into pregnancy)? That sounds like a lie. And the only reason I feel she would lie about not knowing is that really she did know.

Sister seems to just accept this story and hasn't talked to her DD about what happened. She just seems to want to sweep it under the carpet. I have told my sister that she needs to deal with this, maybe with a therapist because something deeper is happening here. Sister just says that niece didn't know and she's happy to leave it at that.

Niece is going to be a great mum, I can see that, I just worry about how something this extreme came about and whether my niece is looking after herself as well as she looks after her new baby.

Question is, AIBU to push sister to talk to niece about this and not just sweep it under the carpet? Or should I mind my own business? And AIBU to think that niece really knew?

I think your sister actually knows a bit more than she's letting on. Maybe they all knew but wanted to deal with the emotional side in a private manner. Maybe they knew you would question lots and they didn't feel during the pregnancy that they could cope with this for one reason or another. And maybe now, your sis is saying she is leaving it is actually the fact she wants you to leave it and for you all to stop questioning and enjoy the little bundle

a girl i went to school with thought she had appendicitis until she went to hospital to be told she was in labour, she never had any signs, always had her periods etc, my oldest sister found out she was pregnant at 6 months. maybe your niece wanted to keep it to herself incase anyone tried to change her mind and make her get rid or put up for adoption etc, some people can be forced in to situations like that although im not saying yous would but some people just like to keep things private until they are ready to share, im also sure if she knew she was pregnant she would have went to appointments etc which will all be in maternity notes

Age is massively relevant if there is a possibility that something untoward could have occured. If she was my neice I would definitely be having a conversation a out the baby's father etc and letting her know she could talk honestly in confidence.

Drs don't actually provide pregnancy tests anymore, you can still get them in family planning but that's one evening a week (where I live) , so I would say it's quite believable the dr would turn her away with no test!! X

Drs don't actually provide pregnancy tests anymore

Mine did. Was very surprised as had been told they didn't anymore but my surgery wouldn't refer to midwives otherwise!

"Drs don't actually provide pregnancy tests anymore"

Ours do. If you are not on contraception and have not tested at home.

YOu really do need to mind your own business. How dare you poke your nose in?!

It is no concern of yours at all and if you were my sister I would be telling you that in no uncertain terms.

I was 17 and 6 months pg before I found out, and then I didnt tell anyone until a few days before I gave birth. I had my reasons and none of them were a cry for help or attention or anything else. I just chose not to tell anyone.

Stay out of it unless you want to be cut off by your sister and your neice.

Just seen the update, glad that you are backing off.

It just made me so angry that you thought you had the right to get involved. Someone did that to me after I had DS and the end result was that I havent spoken to them in over 25 years because they simply could not accept a "Fuck off" when they got one, or words to that effect.

Some people just don't want to share every aspect of their life even with family. It's a bit weird that you are so invested. I was almost 20 weeks when I found out I was pregnant and it wasn't my first child.

My friends sister had a baby without warning. Bloody shock to all of us, especially her. She had regular periods, was a bit overweight anyway, and had no symptoms at all. She already had a child, so knew the symptoms, and was in total shock. She had trouble bonding with the baby, and had very bad Postnatal Depression, and I suspect PTSD (her sister believed this also). It was two years, maybe closer to three before she had a normal relationship with her baby, after years of counselling. He is a normal eight year old, loving and loved by all because of the love of his Father, who recovered quickly, and his family. I would recommend caution in how you approach things, if indeed you do. Much love to your family. xx

As an ex-midwife I'd say it's perfectly possible for your niece to have been unaware of the pregnancy. It's not that uncommon for women to be unaware. I understand that she may have suspected pregnancy but the test was negative. As she and her baby are fine I'd just give her some space and if possible some practical support.

Possible, but unlikely.

My tests were negative and the GP wouldn't test as they told me my polycystic ovaries were so bad i'd never conceive.

5 GPs over 4 months all said it was gastric flu (i had serious hypremis, couldn't even keep water down, lost 2 stone...) saw a locom who sent me for emergency scan saying i was either 3 months pregnant or had cancer! Came out of there in such a state!! Hospital said they would do my emergency scan in 4 Weeks!!! How the hell is that emergency!?!? I was 23. Turned out i was 16 weeks.

Maybe deep down she knew but hoped the doctor was right... Some times people just bury their heads in the sand. Maybe she was scared she'd be talked into getting rid of it or maybe she didnt know what the hell to do. Maybe the ex isnt the dad... At the end of the day, if she wants her baby what does it matter. Suggest therapy maybe but don't force anything. She haa a new baby and crappy hormones - she doesn't need anything else on her plate.

My GP doesn't bother with pregnancy tests for anything. Nor the hospital. Because I'm on the mirena, and they straight away go "oh ok, no chance then" so your neice may not be lying about that bit

I had a full term surprise baby didn't know until I had him he was 9lb and had no symptoms, continued periods no sickness, and had a healthy baby's boy I also done test which was negative, I Can honestly say the first few weeks of becoming a mother was hectic enough without people questioning if I was lying or if I needed a therapist xx

I didn't know I was pregnant last time until I was 28 weeks when I felt her kick. My placenta was low and forward which accounted for lack of movement. I'd been pregnant before which is how I recognised the kicks so it's perfectly possible that your niece didn't recognise what it was.

My dad was shopping once when a woman in his aisle started giving birth. She'd had absolutely no id3a she was pregnant, no symptoms, baby movements, weight gain/bump, nothing. Only way she found out was her waters broke and my dad's medical training spotted what was happening. So its totally possible for her to not have known.

However, if she doesn't want to open up about it for whatever reason, that's your DNiece's choice. If she wants to she will, and all you can do is support her and let her know you're there. It's good you're concerned- better than not giving a toss at least, or condemning her to hell as some relatives seem to do.

Only you can truly know whether it would be appropriate for your family and your relationship to talk about it. However, if you do it should be a conversation and not a confrontation. I also don't think now would be the best time. Your niece is likely to be overwhelmed and emotional (whether or not she really knew).

On the test and movement side of things. My GP and midwife just took my word that the home test was positive. Until my 12 week scan, no medical professional had any confirmation, only my word. I also never really felt any proper movement - it caused all sorts of panic. I could see massive movements at the end but not feel them. The only time I ever felt a movement from my baby was when my belly was pressed up against my desk at work.

Doesn't matter what she knew when she's an adult, it's her body and she had a right to keep what was going on private. The doctor story doesn't sound right, of course home pregnancy tests are very accurate, and if she felt something moving in her tummy any doctor would surely have examined her and palpated her abdomen. But if this is how she is choosing to explain what was probably just a case of hiding her head in the sand and pretending it wasn't happening, then you would be unkind to force some kind of admission out of her. She hardly needs people challenging her story right now. Just be her lovely auntie and help her grow into her new role. She will probably come out with the truth if it feels right, but if she doesn't that's her prerogative too.

She didnt want anyone to know, shes had a healthy baby, shes an adult. Why does it matter or is anyone elses buisness? 😕

Yep...YABU. Just accept what she told you and move on. It's really only her business, even if she did know...she obviously didn't tell for a reason. But there are lots of woe,m who give birth not knowing they're pregnant...def not unheard of.

Something like this happened with me. I found out I was pregnant at 32 weeks with no symptoms such as morning sickness or cravings. I also had contraception (implant) which had side effects of no periods and weight gain so these aspects of the pregnancy weren't obvious indicators. I also didn't go up a dress size. 19 at the time. So her not knowing is plausible. As I found out really late I didn't tell anyone either and kept it as a secret and only told people after she was born. Obviously my mum knew but she was the only one. Maybe this is the same set up as your niece who didn't want anyone to judge her for having a baby young or wanting to keep it e.g. And your sister doesn't want to talk about it maybe?

Its possible not to know
I was 21 when i found out i was 27 weeks pregnant, no symptoms, period whole way through, felt no movement no weight gain till very end and im tiny, people tell me all the time, where does baby hide in you? The things i did in that time would make most pregnant women sick, from hard, fast show rides to drugs and alcohol but still nothing, not a single sign
When i went to dr, on unrelated issues the dr told me i wasnt dying but she was 99% sure i was far into pregnancy, she didnt bother testing as it wouldnt show if i was, just sent me for ultrasound

Don't judge her, support her, hell she will need it

I was a Midwife and contraception can fail also so can the morning after pill .Women go into denial and block everything out .Maybe she was scared of her mums reaction

Pregnancy tests are negative outside around the first trimester.