To think niece secretly knew she was pregnant?

[Wkdmama]

My niece recently gave birth to a healthy DS. Thing is, she didn't tell anyone she was preggers so we all found out on the day she gave birth. Luckily both are healthy.

No-one else know- we knew she'd put on weight but there was no obvious baby bump. Now I realise she was wearing loose clothes, and she had put on weight rapidly, but I didn't think it was my place to have a conversation about her weight.

My sister- her Mum- is a single parent and my niece's dad has been out of the picture for years. Dad was a total loser and gaslighted sis and niece. Its been very hard for them but I had thought they coped well. Now I worry that actually the pregnancy concealment was deliberate and a cry for help, and I'm also worried by my sister's reaction.

Niece's gran just came out with it and asked niece whether she knew. Niece said no. Gran says 'well didn't you have any symptoms/feel anything moving'- bearing in mind this is 8lb full term baby. Niece says she felt something but home pregnancy test was negative and doctor refused to test for pregnancy because she was on contraception. So- this is where it sounds wrong to me. A doctor wouldn't turn a young female thinking they are preggers away without a test, correct? And then a failed home test when you feel a baby (so quite far into pregnancy)? That sounds like a lie. And the only reason I feel she would lie about not knowing is that really she did know.

Sister seems to just accept this story and hasn't talked to her DD about what happened. She just seems to want to sweep it under the carpet. I have told my sister that she needs to deal with this, maybe with a therapist because something deeper is happening here. Sister just says that niece didn't know and she's happy to leave it at that.

Niece is going to be a great mum, I can see that, I just worry about how something this extreme came about and whether my niece is looking after herself as well as she looks after her new baby.

Question is, AIBU to push sister to talk to niece about this and not just sweep it under the carpet? Or should I mind my own business? And AIBU to think that niece really knew?

I don't see that there is anything to be gained by trying to pressurise her into a confession that she knew she was pregnant. There is everything to be gained by keeping it zipped and continuing to support and encourage neice to be the best mum and independent woman she can be.

In terms of the dr, I went to out of hours after ringing NHS 24. They didn't do a pregnancy test, turns out I was having Brixton hicks. Didn't occur to me or them.

I only had a 12 week pregnancy. Don't know how people cope with 40.

I agree with others ..Your Dsis is now a grandmother..Baby is now here..The here and now is the important.Getting things together for the little one.
Providing emotional support , and practical support for the here and now.

I don't think that you sound unpleasant. However I do think that you are being a bit nosey and very patronising. She's 21, it's no ones business unless she chooses to seek advice. I had inferred from your OP that she was 15-16, the way that you wrote about her.

It's kind of irrelevant now, unless you fear it is likely to recur. Is the father on the scene?

So what if she did? She's an adult and it's up to her how she deals with things in her life. If you pressured her into admitting she did, what would it achieve? Mind your own business and drop it.

I know someone this happened to. She genuinely didn't look pregnant at all when she had her DS and she doesn't feel any movement either. Depending on where the placenta is some women just don't feel movements at all. Also the pp who said the tests don't work after a certain point in pregnancy was right...

So it could easily have been that:

• your niece's test was negative (in which case the gp certainly wouldn't have done another test) - ALMOST CERTAINLY TRUE if she took the test well into pregnancy

• couldn't feel the baby moving - ALMOST CERTAINLY TRUE if the placenta was high up/at the front (again this happened to another friend and she couldn't feel a thing)

• she wasn't really showing - you said so yourself. I've had a couple of friends who didn't look pregnant either. One of them (who did know she was pregnant) we were incredibly worried about because she didn't have a bump, even at full term, so we expected the baby would be tiny and wouldn't survive... He popped out at nearly 11 lbs!!!!

I'm not a very trusting person but I actually believe your niece genuinely didn't believe that she was pregnant. Yes, it's possible that she had an inkling, but it's more than likely that she did pass it off her symptoms as something else. Weirdly I've had the opposite: a few pregnancy scares over the past year or so because I've had what felt like a baby kicking (I've had children before so I do know what it feels like!) and it's turned out to be a combination of pelvic inflammation, wind and mild IBS, so I can totally understand why she'd think movements were simply her own bodily functions!

I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt because if you don't drop it out will come out one day and will ruin your relationship with not only your niece but your sister too.

She probably knew deep down that she was pregnant but was either colossally in denial or just too scared to say anything. I have a close friend whose teenage sister went through an entire pregnancy without anyone knowing a thing until she was in labour, and at no point did she have any visible baby bump at all (and she taught younger kids gymnastics, so she was still doing backflips in a leotard almost up until the day she gave birth).

She always maintained that she had no idea she was pregnant but after counselling she realised that she'd actually always known, but was so traumatised by the whole thing that she'd more or less duped even herself into believing that she wasn't.

Either way - it doesn't matter now. Your niece has a baby and no good is going to come of you butting in and trying to analyse her motives and stir things up. Nobody is going to be helped by you trying to force everyone to dig over the past; what's done is done. Maybe one day your niece will feel that she can talk about what's happened but that's up to her, not you, and as a new mum she's really got other things to worry about right now.

Didn't not doesn't. Autocorrect, sorry!

She knew, but sure it doesn't matter now the baby is here. She'll probably have some of her own feelings on concealing the pregnancy, I've concealed and I only realised a few years later how much it affected me. But unless she comes to you to listen to her then leave it be.

Does it really matter now the baby is here?

Of course it matters, if she knew, she keep it all to herself, she must have been terrified. My the op is concerned that dn doesn't have anyone to confide in.

I don't think I'd believe this tale either. But I suppose you can't say you're a liar as it would cause too much aggravation in the family with everyone saying you're unsympathetic. In denial I'd say.

I don't think it's that difficult to not know you're pregnant because sometimes the 'symptoms' just aren't there. With my first I felt no movement at all and with my second I stayed the same weight and wore the same clothes throughout (lost it off my bum as my stomach grew). If they'd combined I'd never have known.

But either way, whether she knew or not, she's given you the version she wants you have. You're not entitled to anything more. Her pregnancy. Her baby. Her decision as to what she shares (or not) with others.

Tests don't work after a particular point in pregnancy do they?

I had a very dark positive test at 35 weeks when I peed on the last one I had, just because I was curious if that was true!

A woman I know came off the stage as a dancer, had a stomach ache that didn't improve.
She gave birth in the ambulance on the way to hospital, she had no idea and wasn't showing.

Tests don't work after a particular point in pregnancy do they?

This is not true, they work all the way through, and after for a short time.

If a young woman went to a dr claming to feel movement they would not just send her home without at least palpating her abdomen.

She's lying. But, its not your business to push them about it.

You are right to be concerned. It doesn't matter whether she knew and didn't want to accept it, or didn't know, either way, she is at higher risk of developing PND. No one is doing her any favours by pushing it under the carpet and pretending it's not important. What is important is supporting her in her transition to parenthood, being a listening, non judgemental ear IF she wants to talk about it, and signposting her to counselling and specialist support if she is willing.

Oh, and I was 22 weeks before I found out, had even had a scan for other problems and they were going to lots of exploratories.
Thankfully we had just moved house and the new gp did one last test, felt my stomach and confirmed i was pg.
She was a lovely doctor and transferred the rest of her surgery to the other gp, whilst I got through a box of tissues in her office.

it can happen. I had a neighbour whose wife had just come back from 6 month tour of Afghanistan then they went on holiday to celebrate and she ended up having 'cramps' and 'very painful abdomen' they thought it was appendicitis, nope 7lb something baby boy!
We had a rather flustered new grandparent trying to find things for the baby so I gave them all my DS newborn to months clothes (he was 9 months at the time)
It happens, enjoy the new addition to your family, and if you are super concerned, maybe talk about it a few months down the line when things have settled a bit for them.

Yanbu I feel like you're being concerned for all the wrong reasons. I think you should speak to your niece (with saying why your concerned) and tell her you're always there for her. I don't think that's bad I think it's supportive.

Friends of mine only found out she was pregnant at 8 months. It was a huge surprise! She didn't have a bump and I think it was the kicks which made her go and see a doctor presuming something digestive I suppose.

I imagine it can happen. I can understand the Dr not doing a pregnancy test but if she was a few months and putting on weight I would have thought he might have examined her. Back when I had my first they didn't do pregnancy test but by 8 weeks Dr would examine you and confirm the womb was enlarged and would assume pregnancy, I think it was a month later when he would confirm by examination but I might have the weeks wrong.

My babies all kicked like hell, I can't imagine what I would have thought the foot I could clearly see was or that I would have imagined wind was nearly breaking my ribs. Maybe I just have very active kids.

The baby is here now so don't know what purpose it would serve to push the issue.

3 weeks ago I'd have believed that no one could be pregnant without knowing but recently I know a girl who had her second baby and didn't know she was pregnant at all.

I even saw her a week before she gave birth and she didn't look like she was about to have a baby!

"I know someone who didn't know they were pregnant until they gave birth and that was their third "

Me too.

Obviously the niece considered it as she used a test & went to the GP.

So if she thought that she wasn't pregnant, I wonder what she did think was happening.

If she's seeing quite calm & accepting maybe she did know but for some reason has decided that this is a better tale?

YANBU, but what's done is done. Just be a supportive auntie/great auntie.