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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think niece secretly knew she was pregnant?

159 replies

Wkdmama · 06/08/2017 17:24

My niece recently gave birth to a healthy DS. Thing is, she didn't tell anyone she was preggers so we all found out on the day she gave birth. Luckily both are healthy.

No-one else know- we knew she'd put on weight but there was no obvious baby bump. Now I realise she was wearing loose clothes, and she had put on weight rapidly, but I didn't think it was my place to have a conversation about her weight.

My sister- her Mum- is a single parent and my niece's dad has been out of the picture for years. Dad was a total loser and gaslighted sis and niece. Its been very hard for them but I had thought they coped well. Now I worry that actually the pregnancy concealment was deliberate and a cry for help, and I'm also worried by my sister's reaction.

Niece's gran just came out with it and asked niece whether she knew. Niece said no. Gran says 'well didn't you have any symptoms/feel anything moving'- bearing in mind this is 8lb full term baby. Niece says she felt something but home pregnancy test was negative and doctor refused to test for pregnancy because she was on contraception. So- this is where it sounds wrong to me. A doctor wouldn't turn a young female thinking they are preggers away without a test, correct? And then a failed home test when you feel a baby (so quite far into pregnancy)? That sounds like a lie. And the only reason I feel she would lie about not knowing is that really she did know.

Sister seems to just accept this story and hasn't talked to her DD about what happened. She just seems to want to sweep it under the carpet. I have told my sister that she needs to deal with this, maybe with a therapist because something deeper is happening here. Sister just says that niece didn't know and she's happy to leave it at that.

Niece is going to be a great mum, I can see that, I just worry about how something this extreme came about and whether my niece is looking after herself as well as she looks after her new baby.

Question is, AIBU to push sister to talk to niece about this and not just sweep it under the carpet? Or should I mind my own business? And AIBU to think that niece really knew?

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/08/2017 18:43

Whether the girl is naïve or chose to keep her own council, I can't fathom what the wider family hope to achieve by prodding and probing. Exactly what would change?

It really is no ones business but hers when she choses to disclose her pregnancy.

Ohherewegoagain · 06/08/2017 18:45

I'm sorry but whether she knew or not is actually none of your business. Accept the story she has given you and move on. Why does it matter to you whether she knew or not. Maybe she is lying to you maybe she isn't who cares! The baby is here now. Maybe she doesn't feel close enough to tell you the truth. I really can't see why you are so concerned.

chipscheeseandgravy · 06/08/2017 18:47

Maybe she's didn't say anything because she was shit scared of saying anything.i was scared to tell my mum and I was 27 and been with dp 10 years Grin
I never got a pregnancy test from my Drs and I'm not sure it's common place for them to test anyway.
She will probably need help with bringing up the baby as would most single 21 year olds. Just support her and tell her if she wants to chat she can.

Holz657 · 06/08/2017 18:48

I was turned away by my doctor twice when I was pregnant. My home tests were negative and they didn't test me because I was on the implant.

littlemisssweetness · 06/08/2017 18:53

I found at 20 weeks as a fluke, and had minimal movement the whole way through, if I hadn't of already had a child I probably wouldn't of thought it was a baby, also had minimal weight gain and zero sickness, it's definitely possibly not to

Original poster
Wkdmama · 06/08/2017 18:54

Thanks for all the views. For those who have been through some tough times, thank you in particular, Flowers to you.

It's given me a better, more...constructive view on my role (and what is not my role) here. I will remain here to support in practical ways but waiting to be asked.

Emotionally, I will step right back and leave it. I spoke to my sister just now and apologised. And I said I was wrong to try and interfere, and we agreed that the main thing was that everyone was okay. We ended the call on good terms but getting a little emotional. We are a close family and I will be here if needed without judging.

Thanks again everyone, you have put me in a better place within a couple of hours by helping me see reason.

OP posts:
findingmyfeet12 · 06/08/2017 18:55

I don't think there's anything wrong with you making tentative inquiries if you're concerned.

You're her aunt and that's what families do. People have given you a hard time.

Hopefully you'll be able to tell if they want to talk about it and back off if they don't.

I never understand this MN mentality of minding your business. I'm prepared to be flamed but it takes a village to raise a child and I'm used to families getting involved and helping each other out.

CotswoldStrife · 06/08/2017 19:08

I'm glad you are on good terms with your sister OP, it's her attitude that would concern me too tbh. Clearly your niece did suspect she was pregnant because she took a test and sought out a GP (they didn't test me either so I can well believe, unfortunately, that they didn't help out with a test when asked) but didn't feel able to speak to her mum about it. Nor did mum feel able to speak to her DD about it (because I'm making an assumption that there is a bit of denial on both sides here!).

I think all you can do is be supportive and be in the background if either of them do want to talk at any time.

frumpety · 06/08/2017 19:22

Why does it matter to you ? She has had the baby , they are both alive and well and here now . Concentrate on the now , why look back , what good will it do ?

redsquirrel2 · 06/08/2017 19:28

My niece found out she was pregnant 10 days before she gave birth. She thought she had a hernia! She's already got 2 sons. No-one had any clue she was preggers, she was having periods and she'd lost weight. It happens. It's none of your business, you definitely shouldn't push your sister about it. What does it matter? Do you really want to accuse your niece of lying when it should be a happy event? On the plus side everyone rallied round my niece and she got loads of free stuff! (new baby is a girl)

frumpety · 06/08/2017 19:28

Oops sorry seen your last now , glad you have resolved things with your sister Flowers

ohtheholidays · 06/08/2017 19:31

Your very wrong about the pregnancy test with my 5th DC we did 5 at home and each one of those was negative.

We had left a few days it turned into weeks between the tests so we went to our local clinic and saw a lovely Dr there had another pregnancy test done and that was negative but when she spoke to us the Dr said she thought that we were right and that I was pregnant and she couldn't understand why all of the tests had been negative,she told me to leave it a week and go and see my Dr.
Left it a week went to my own Dr's had the test done and it came back positive,my Dr said to me you are very pregnant!

I was about 10 weeks when we got the positive test,I'd had no sickness,no weight gain but I was just sure I was pregnant but then I'd been pregnant before,it's different for your niece it's her first.

Please don't push your Sister or your Niece just be happy for them and offer them all of the love and support you can.

I became an Auntie when I was 7 and then a Great Auntie when I was 25(my brothers are alot older than me)and I love that I have a very close relationship with my nieces and nephews and my great nieces and great nephews.

Isetan · 06/08/2017 19:39

Calm down Miss Marple. There's nothing in your OP to back up your claims and even if she knew about the pregnancy, why would her concealment be a cry for help or any of your damn business. She's 21 for crying out loud.

Given your theorising and judgement dressed up as concern, If she did know in advance of the birth, she saved herself from months of grief from your direction.

CremeFresh · 06/08/2017 20:03

I understand that at 21 you are an adult , obviously. I don't understand all this mind your own business stuff though , just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they can't be scared or confused or need extra support.

I'm absolutely certain that a woman can be pregnant and not know but I guess it's slightly unusual , most women know they are pregnant, so I can understand the Op's concern.

Starlight2345 · 06/08/2017 21:12

Lovely update OP...

featheryfancy · 06/08/2017 21:48

I know a woman this happened to in her early 40's. Periods the whole way through, weight gain but no bump and no other obvious symptoms. Went to A&E with stomach pains and 2 hours later had a baby. Her not being extremely young doesn't mean that she knew. Although the doctors refusing to test does sound strange.
If she did know and kept it to herself completely I can only imagine she was absolutely terrified and my heart goes out to her.
Either way I'm sure she now needs as much support as all her family are able to offer her

GreenTulips · 06/08/2017 21:59

I'm prepared to be flamed but it takes a village to raise a child and I'm used to families getting involved and helping each other out

Yes it does - but you don't need a village to call the young mum a liar!! How's that helping? It only satisfies OPs curiosity - it doesn't change the situation does it?

As a close family - as OP suggests - then the mum could've spoke to wait her own mother or aunts if she suspected - she chose not too -

Close family doesn't mean you share everything - she's allowed her privacy

goose1964 · 06/08/2017 22:09

I was 16 weeks when I found out with my third, I only found out as I felt ill and went to the doctor's, he palpated my stomach and discovered I was having a baby

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 06/08/2017 22:22

She may well have known, but you may never know that.

I was a 'surprise' baby. No one knew my mum was pregnant, she went to hospital with stomach pains and left with a 7lb baby. Except I've since found out she did know at 7 months, that's when it was confirmed to her so she obviously suspected before that. Even my dad says he never knew and she hadn't put on weight. Unfortunately it didn't turn out well and I can't ask my mum. Your neice may have been in denial about it hence her not telling anyone and she is unlikely to tell people now so I'd just leave it.

Saysomething88 · 06/08/2017 22:27

My friends doctor told her it was very worrying she hadn't had a period for 3 months. Refused to give her a pregnancy test. After 12 weeks your HCG levels drop anyway.
She should have been offered a blood test. Maybe she did know subconsciously but was in denial until the baby arrived.
Does it really matter?

Arealhumanbeing · 06/08/2017 22:40

She has a healthy baby, that's all that's important.

No it isn't all that's important. When a baby is born there can be all sorts of issues and other stuff going on which is also important. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

People kept saying that when two thirds of my friends nearly died giving birth. Blood transfusions, terrible injuries and hundreds of stitches.

It was mainly their Mothers repeating this crap to them.

Ojoj1974 · 06/08/2017 22:44

Does it matter?? She now needs adults to support and love her and the baby unconditionally. She needs strong women around her as role models and mentors.

This happened to a friends daughter. The first thing the mum (new granny) said was , 'we can all love a baby darling'

Despite being shocked and saddened the mum (granny) has been totally amazing

crypticbow08 · 06/08/2017 22:48

Leave her be, you won't help by trying to force the issue. I've been in her position and it isn't fun dealing with a surprise baby and people accusing me of lying. Even if she did know, baby's here and healthy and she's doing well so just focus on supporting her

FuzzyOwl · 06/08/2017 22:55

She was asked whether she knew and she said no, so that is what you all have to believe and go ahead with.

I've been pregnant with an anterior placenta and I only ever felt one proper kick, everything else could have been put down to digestion (and it quite possible was considering how constipated I was). I could also sleep on my front up until the day I gave birth as my bump was small (although, to me, obvious) and my breasts didn't change or become tender. Three days before I gave birth I saw a friend whilst out and we had a chat and a hug; the next time I saw her she told me she hadn't even realised I was pregnant! If I hadn't been ttc, done numerous tests and had scans, I could easily have not reaslised - especially as I have never suffered from morning sickness and the worst that happens to me in pregnancy is migraines, which I get anyway.

I would be inclined to think your niece thought something might have been up but if she got a negative pregnancy test (and no, doctors do not test for pregnancies as routine), she probably believed that and buried her head a little as she could have been scared it was a serious illness.

TestTubeTeen · 06/08/2017 22:56

I think it is good that you will take a more 'backed off' approach and concentrate on supporting her.

She may well have been in some form of denial, but that doesn't mean anything deep and disturbing.

Just be there, and be wholly positive.

Pushing your sister will not end well at all.