To think niece secretly knew she was pregnant?

[Wkdmama]

My niece recently gave birth to a healthy DS. Thing is, she didn't tell anyone she was preggers so we all found out on the day she gave birth. Luckily both are healthy.

No-one else know- we knew she'd put on weight but there was no obvious baby bump. Now I realise she was wearing loose clothes, and she had put on weight rapidly, but I didn't think it was my place to have a conversation about her weight.

My sister- her Mum- is a single parent and my niece's dad has been out of the picture for years. Dad was a total loser and gaslighted sis and niece. Its been very hard for them but I had thought they coped well. Now I worry that actually the pregnancy concealment was deliberate and a cry for help, and I'm also worried by my sister's reaction.

Niece's gran just came out with it and asked niece whether she knew. Niece said no. Gran says 'well didn't you have any symptoms/feel anything moving'- bearing in mind this is 8lb full term baby. Niece says she felt something but home pregnancy test was negative and doctor refused to test for pregnancy because she was on contraception. So- this is where it sounds wrong to me. A doctor wouldn't turn a young female thinking they are preggers away without a test, correct? And then a failed home test when you feel a baby (so quite far into pregnancy)? That sounds like a lie. And the only reason I feel she would lie about not knowing is that really she did know.

Sister seems to just accept this story and hasn't talked to her DD about what happened. She just seems to want to sweep it under the carpet. I have told my sister that she needs to deal with this, maybe with a therapist because something deeper is happening here. Sister just says that niece didn't know and she's happy to leave it at that.

Niece is going to be a great mum, I can see that, I just worry about how something this extreme came about and whether my niece is looking after herself as well as she looks after her new baby.

Question is, AIBU to push sister to talk to niece about this and not just sweep it under the carpet? Or should I mind my own business? And AIBU to think that niece really knew?

I've a friend who didn't know she was pregnant until she was giving birth - at 19. I genuinely believe she didn't know. She was on the pill so having 'false' periods, had gained weight - put it down to uni life- but not masses and more all over than an obvious bump, no sickness, if she did feel movements she obviously didn't recognise them as that. Terrible stomach cramps one day at home with her parents, her mum ended up delivering the baby in the bathroom.

And I don't agree with the 'what does it matter?' line. It did matter to my friend, she was traumatised, in shock and struggled to bond initially. She had counselling. Now it doesn't matter, she was able to access the support she needed and 16 years later has a very close relationship to her son, but at the time it mattered hugely because it was a huge shock and she had tons of fear, guilt, panic etc etc. If your niece didn't know then she may experience similar feelings. If she did and was in denial then she may still feel similar. I don't think it matters that you get to the 'truth' of what she knew or suspected, but it matters that your niece is able to talk about her feelings and get support beyond 'well the baby is here now and healthy so that's all that matters'. But you know that, and it sounds like she has lots of love and help around.

I think if it were my niece (who I'm very close to) I'd be tempted to say something like 'you know where I am if you need me, I'm so proud of how your dealing with all this and baby' name is amazing, but I can imagine it all feels a bit overwhelming and scary at times too, I know you have your mum and baby's dad etc, but if you need someone slightly outside it all to talk to then I'm here, or I could help you look into other sources of support if you wanted to at any point'.

If she says she didn't know, she probably didn't know. Why would someone lie about not knowing they were pregnant?

I've known a mother of three who gave birth without knowing! So I would
just accept it and help her and her family enjoy the baby!

Just support her. Maybe she knew, maybe she didn't. She is not obligated to tell anyone the truth about this and maybe one day she might say something different.

I was 39, pregnant with a baby with the placenta on to the side so rarely felt any movement at all.

I hope mum and baby will do well. Congratulations on your new great nephew.

Well he's here now so instead of dwelling on whether or not she knew, why not focus on how you can best support her?

I see where you are coming from OP. You sound a bit more emotionally clued up then they are though, you may have to wait for the 'whatnot' to hit the fan .

My 40 yo colleague had no idea either. She's a hippy lady, had put on a bit of weight but nothing substantial, had taken pregnancy tests and they were negative. GP told her it was probably menopause, wouldn't give her a blood test for pregnancy. No medical complications. Then 8 months later she gave birth at the office. Our work health policy changed after her case - now all employees have to have private health cover and private health screening & a pregnancy test is routine.

I reckon she knew. These stories of carrying full term and not knowing do amaze me.

PS sounds like you and your sis have a great relationship, and this is really good.

My friend got a call on april fools day from her little sister saying she was in A+E having a baby. Turns out she really was in labour with her second child she had no idea she was having. Baby was a little bit premature but fully developed so just on the small side.

I know 3 people IRL who have had babies with no idea they were pregnant until they were in labour. One was young and put lack of periods and small bump down to malnutrition and anorexia, another due to numerous long term health problems and gp didn't test, and the third, older, just thought she was menopausal. A close relative also didn't know until she was 28 weeks and then only through her routine pill appointment. She didn't suspect anything. So it does happen and is more common then you realise.
As pp's have said as the baby is now here it really doesn't matter if she knew or not. And congratulations to her

I was in a hospital ward with a lady who had just given birth to her third child that she's had no idea she was expecting , she had 7 kids, 4 she knew about, 3 were a total shock on the day they were born.
I was a bit when she told me this but I suppose everyone's body is different so it's hard to judge.

Just logged in for the first time in years for this thread as I've got an alternative perspective.

My partner had a a surpise baby 10 months into our relationship (yes that means I'm male on Mumsnet). I was 24 and she was 27, I'd just come back from a weeks holiday. Got back on the Sunday night about midnight, spoke to my partner on the phone, and then couldn't get hold of her the next day. Went to the pub after work, and got a call from my DPs sister to say that DP had had a baby that morning.

It took DP about 2 days to come to terms with the situation, for the first couple of days DD was "it" to her and adoption was discussed. The midwives and nurses were fantastic though, and DP and DD weren't allowed out of hospital until they'd bonded a bit. After getting home (DPs parents) adoption was discussed a few more times but within a week that had completely gone out the window and we were a little family.

I had no idea DP was pregnant, she gained a little bit of weight but then so had I, and so do most people in new relationships. There was no baby bump, DP didn't get any morning sickness and due to the position of DD and placenta didn't feel any kicking/movement. Periods had been light due to contraception, and it wasnt rare for DP to miss the occasional one, so with the occasional breakthrough bleeding that she was getting everything seemed normal there.

DP maintained that she had no idea until she went into labour, and it took a few years for her to admit to me that she'd taken a pregnancy test while I was on holiday, howeverit came back negative, and had it come back positive she'd have had no idea how far along she was.

OP, it looks like you've taken on board the advice of other posters and thats great. Your niece is going to need a lot of support over the next few months, shes just had a massive life change. At the same time she's likely to be feeling a huge amount of embarressment, shame and guilt. Everyone else seems to get this pregnancy thing right, and instead she's had no idea, probably been out drinking throughout pregnancy. She's essentially missed out on part of motherhood, thats going to be hard for her. Be there for her, listen if she wants to talk about it, but don't push, don't point out inconsistancies in her story, and don't be surprised if it changes slightly over time.

For our part, DD is now approaching 10yo, me and DP are still together, and life is generally good. Neither of us wanted kids, however neither of us can now see our lives any other way. Our DD is very much loved, and while she doesn't know this story yet, we will be giving her an edited version of it in the next year or so.

Because we've been quite open about the above, we've had a number of other people speak to us about similar experiences. The details are different, sometimes theres denial involved, sometimes people genuinely didn't know until going into labour. It's definately a lot more common than most people think though.

I've had clients who stated they didn't know they were pregnant aged 14 to 53! Some I think think we're in deep denial but others seemed genuinely clueless. They ranged from skinny teens still in jeans, to a mounted policewoman, a ward sister, a recent widow and a married mother of two who delivered a full term breech baby with her husband!

you can suspect all you like. You are being a nosey cow and its obviously the best cover story they could think of as they dont want to tell you the truth. They clearly know how judgemental you are. Its a private matter, send your congratulations and leave them be

yeah she knew! Come on, it's really rare when people genuinely have no idea and you're right the doctor would never 'refuse' a pregnancy test!

They know perfectly well that contraception fails sometimes and at 21, a missed or late pill is hardly unlikely. If she went to the doctor saying she thought she might be pregnant, they'd test her.

And if you have even an inkling that you're pregnant, the rest of a pregnancy cannot go unnoticed. The boobs, the smells, the hormones, the belly. Bullshit!

As for what to do - nothing. Just be there for her. She's clearly immature so will need help.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but the positioning of the placenta can stop expectant mothers from feeling anything so that coupled with her contraception and lack of considerable weight gain could have something to do with her not knowing and trusting the home test.

My mum didn't know she was pregnant until the week before I was born. She was early 40s and thought she was done having kids! My sister didn't know either with her first daughter. It must be something in our family. I couldn't get pregnant and my other sister barely showed at all, even 8 months in.

Wkdmama

I was told there was no chance I could be pregnant AFTER a positive home pregnancy test by a GP at my surgery. They refused to do a pregnancy test as I was using contraception.

It took another three days to get admitted to hospital with an ectopic pregnancy.

So it's entirely possible the GP did refuse to do a pregnancy test.

It doesn't matter how close the family is, sometimes a person just wants some privacy. I for one would have got very upset if any of my aunts had tried to grill me about my personal life. You may think you are being caring but she may think you are being too nosey, cotrolling , judgemental ,whatever. I understand you have now spoken to your sister , and I'm glad you have backed off a bit. I would let her get on with her life for now, her own mum will know if your niece has post -natal depression or any other issue, and I'm sure the midwife/health visitor will be monitoring her.

Um. TBH, I don't think it's any of your biz. GPs are all different and you don't know exactly how the conversation went as you weren't there. It is perfectly possible for a woman to give birth without already knowing she was pregnant. It happened to a friend of my aunt's. It's up to you now to be as supportive as possible and if you don't feel you can, to take a step back.

It’s not a right to share a women's a pregnancy it’s a privilege and IF she did decided to keep it a secret for whatever reason that is up to her surely ?
Have you considered she may have been terrified or anxious so she just buried her head and pretended it wasn’t happening. Perhaps she didn’t feel able to cope with that decision so she just ignored it. Maybe she didn’t want to answer awkward questions.

Or perhaps she really didn’t know, I remember when I was at university a mature student went into labour in a lecturer she thought she was in her menopause and had no idea she was expecting.
I think it’s irrelevant as long as she is safe and gave her consent at the time of conception. I think what matters is you support her and the baby now and let her know you are there for her if she does ever need to talk. I wish you all well.

It does happen. friend (highly intelligent professional woman) had her pregnancy confirmed in third trimester - huge shock. She'd had negative urine tests and the go brushed off her concerns. She had zero discernible bump until 7m.

If she did realise, she may have been scared, or simply not want to share. You say you're a close family but not everyone wants to share everything. It's her right to do so.

Don't push her - it's none of your biz.

One of my mums friend's daughter gave birth very unexpectedly...... and said she had no clue, but had oddly given up alcohol and smoking several months earlier. She had concealed it as her parents didn't like the boyfriend, he was a drug user and got a bit rough with her so I think that's why she hid it. Baby was only 4lb 11 but was thought to be term, and had quite a few initial complications. Her parents were knocked sideways by it, but have turned out to be very amazing dedicated grandparents. It broke my heart to think of an 18 year old girl going through pregnancy without any medical care or support though; even the bf didn't know apparently. She must have been terrified all that time.

A friend of ours who already had a teenage daughter so had been pregnant before had a surprise pregnancy, she was 8 months gone when she went to the drs about something else and was told she was pregnant, she honestly had no idea ! So if it can happen to a lady in her late thirties who had had a child before it's very feasible to happen to a young girl .