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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think niece secretly knew she was pregnant?

159 replies

Wkdmama · 06/08/2017 17:24

My niece recently gave birth to a healthy DS. Thing is, she didn't tell anyone she was preggers so we all found out on the day she gave birth. Luckily both are healthy.

No-one else know- we knew she'd put on weight but there was no obvious baby bump. Now I realise she was wearing loose clothes, and she had put on weight rapidly, but I didn't think it was my place to have a conversation about her weight.

My sister- her Mum- is a single parent and my niece's dad has been out of the picture for years. Dad was a total loser and gaslighted sis and niece. Its been very hard for them but I had thought they coped well. Now I worry that actually the pregnancy concealment was deliberate and a cry for help, and I'm also worried by my sister's reaction.

Niece's gran just came out with it and asked niece whether she knew. Niece said no. Gran says 'well didn't you have any symptoms/feel anything moving'- bearing in mind this is 8lb full term baby. Niece says she felt something but home pregnancy test was negative and doctor refused to test for pregnancy because she was on contraception. So- this is where it sounds wrong to me. A doctor wouldn't turn a young female thinking they are preggers away without a test, correct? And then a failed home test when you feel a baby (so quite far into pregnancy)? That sounds like a lie. And the only reason I feel she would lie about not knowing is that really she did know.

Sister seems to just accept this story and hasn't talked to her DD about what happened. She just seems to want to sweep it under the carpet. I have told my sister that she needs to deal with this, maybe with a therapist because something deeper is happening here. Sister just says that niece didn't know and she's happy to leave it at that.

Niece is going to be a great mum, I can see that, I just worry about how something this extreme came about and whether my niece is looking after herself as well as she looks after her new baby.

Question is, AIBU to push sister to talk to niece about this and not just sweep it under the carpet? Or should I mind my own business? And AIBU to think that niece really knew?

OP posts:
PoppyPopcorn · 06/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend who had a baby at the same age - a very switched on, clued up friend who was 30 weeks pregnant before she found out. She had had a scare and needed to take the MAP, started on the regular pill immediately after. Still having erratic bleeding - common when starting pill. No weight gain. Still in her size 14 jeans the day before she had her baby. No other nausea/sore boobs symptoms. Was feeling the baby move but not attributing it to a baby if you know what I mean - it's an alien feeling when your baby moves and easily written off as wind or something.

So yes it can happen. It can also happen that a young mum is in denial about what's happening to her. I think all OP can do now is support her niece and leave the questioning for later.

x2boys · 06/08/2017 17:40

Was there a reason to conceal the pregnancy did she fear people's reactions, years ago my guide leaders daughter had a baby on the bathroom floor at university by all accounts apparently she knew but this was the 80,s and she was scared of people's reactions she had always been the perfect daughter it all worked out ok in the end.

PinkHeart5911 · 06/08/2017 17:41

Well the child is here now so I don't see what it matters if she knew or not, what is pushing the poor girl to talk about "if she swept it under the carpet" or not going to change?

Keep out if it

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/08/2017 17:42

I wouldn't get bogged down in this, i I really don't see what it will achieve, nobody will appreciate your questioning.The baby is here, safe and well I'd focus my energy on him/her.

Liiinoo · 06/08/2017 17:43

I know someone who this happened to. She genuinely didn't know. I was with her about 4 days before the baby was born and she was wearing normal jeans and a party top and hadn't put on an ounce. It does happen.

ElizabethShaw · 06/08/2017 17:44

She almost certainly did know on some level and clearly has her own reasons for not admitting it to herself/ anyone else - but really does it matter now? The baby is here and shenis mothering him so she needs family support now.

whyareusernamessodifficult · 06/08/2017 17:45

I know someone who didn't know they were pregnant until they gave birth and that was their third so I can easily imagine that a young girl, who you admitted yourself can be quite naive, wouldn't know.
The baggy clothes were probably just because she was feeling self conscious about the weight she had put on.

HadronCollider · 06/08/2017 17:46

You are right to be concerned, I'm amazed people are telling you otherwise!

Mental preparedness and the mental health of the mother are crucial in the mother-baby-bonding process, and their future relationship.

It sounds like your niece has found the process of pregnancy either traumatic, or was too ashamed to say anything.

It is not natural to keep such a major event away from close family. It could indicate possible prior abuse, or some sort of prior sexual assault (I'm sure its not this, but possible)or that the father is not a man, or not the man she wants to be the father (no offence intended).

In any case it points to a dysfunctional response to what should have been a happy situation and hints at possible future issues.

You sound like a great Aunt, and I'd express my concerns to her midwife/health visitor and see what they say perhaps?

LeonoraFlorence · 06/08/2017 17:46

Perhaps she did know and was in denial? The mind can be very powerful. However, you just have to take her word for it and be as supportive as possible with her lovely new DS. :)

AnUtterIdiot · 06/08/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldraver · 06/08/2017 17:47

Why does it matter ?

Stop haranguing them

HadronCollider · 06/08/2017 17:47

*not a nice man.

TinselTwins · 06/08/2017 17:48

I have never been pregnancy tested by a GP, ever, they tend to prefer you to do a home test. If she had a negative urine test at home she'ld have a negative urine test in the GPs surgery. They only do blood test if there's a confirmed pregnancy and they suspect a MMC

Depending on placenta placement baby movements can feel very slight and similar to wind

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 06/08/2017 17:48

Honestly what does it matter? Why are you pushing an adult to admit anything? She is in her twenties ffs

MyRedPepper · 06/08/2017 17:53

I would take it another way.
The baby is here and they are both well. Yes u are saying that she will be a great mum which is good.

Now, IF she had lied during the pregnancy, the question would be, WHY would she have concealed the pregnancy? I would assume that something about the pregnancy and the arrival of the baby was unsettling for her. Maybe she was worried about telling her mum? About the father? MH issues?
What ever it is, the best thing you can do now is to be there, support her and keep an eye.

charlestonchaplin · 06/08/2017 17:56

I don't know whether your niece is telling the truth or not, but when I was a student women would come in saying they had done a home test and it was positive. They expected the doctor to confirm the pregnancy with another test but the doctors would say that any test they could do wouldn't be any more effective than the over-the-counter one the woman had already done.

I guess if a woman kept coming back, or was reporting concerning symptoms there'd be further investigation.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2017 17:57

If she was my daughter I'd probably come back to it in the future, maybe a couple of years time when the emotion has gone. I see no benefit in pushing it now, it will cause upset and bad feelings. I think her mum is right, accept it and support her,

Blossomdeary · 06/08/2017 17:57

I am not sure that you should be interfering at all - what is it that you want your sister to do that would improve things in any way? And for whom? And why do you think it is your business? This lass is an adult.

I worked on a maternity unit for years and there were always folk who did not realise they were pregnant - one lass delivered down the toilet.

CremeFresh · 06/08/2017 17:58

I don't think there's much you can do now , but if she did know about it , I'd be concerned as to why she felt she couldn't talk to anyone, it's hardly taboo these days to have a child out of wedlock ! I'd worry about who the father is , was she happy to be pregnant etc.

She is an adult though so not much you can do except support her.

THirdEeye · 06/08/2017 18:03

I'm pregnant and have had virtually no symptoms. I've only just got a noticeable bump and I'm now 26wks.

In regards to movements, some babies are more active than others and that coupled with where the placenta is placed would reduce/limit the sensations.

YABU.

And really does it really matter now, She's 21!

minionsrule · 06/08/2017 18:03

I was in my 30's when i fell pregnant, married, was nearly 6 months when i found out...... really unpredictible periods prior and although i had put on weight thought it was honeymoon period of marriage. As soon as ut was confirmed i ballooned mind 😃

Rossigigi · 06/08/2017 18:03

Friends a few weeks ago announced they were going to be grandparents- hours later announced their surprise grandchild was here. Shock all around.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/08/2017 18:04

She may very well have been unable to face the thought of pregnancy herself - isn't unknown for anxious individuals to completely deny to themselves the truth of something even when they have proof, in front of them, in their hands.

As you so rightly say - the baby and mother are both fortunate to be healthy - and that is all that matters in the end.

luckylucky24 · 06/08/2017 18:04

It does happen. A friend of mine didn't know and I am very confident of that. We were very drunk most weekends before she gave birth.

Maybe your niece was in denial?

Beebee7 · 06/08/2017 18:06

I agree with the majority. Who gives a shit if she knew she was pregnant from 48 hours into the pregnancy?! She is a lass who needs help and support and love and care now.

I hope the rest of her family are going to start giving her more support and not be judging and finger pointing. Hmm