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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about holiday

431 replies

ifcatscouldtalk123 · 05/08/2017 21:55

A little bit of background. OH and I live together in a very happy relationship, we met about six months after his marriage broke down and I moved in six months later (I know really quick but we're not kids and didn't see the point of hanging around when we are very happy together). He has two children, boy and a girl, nearly 16 and 11. OH is very much into his sport which I don't generally mind, it does take up a lot of our spare time but it gives me down time to enjoy time with friends, catching up with personal stuff (I work long full time hours).

OH recently went abroad on a boys golfing trip, only 5 days and funded entirely by himself. No issues here. While he was abroad he entered a competition for a bit of a laugh with no intention of winning. A bit of a pitch and putt. He's ended up winning an all expenses paid, four day trip to Dubai to watch a golf competition final. Luxury flights, accommodation, meals paid for, you name it.

Fabulous! I get to go shopping in the Dubai malls while he watches the golf. No! He's decided to take his 15 year old son (who shares his love of golf - it would be wrong of me to miss this bit out). The reason being is that his mates would disown him if they thought that he would not take his son and he would be a bad father - not necessarily in that order). The golf will take up a small proportion of the trip.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
tangledup123 · 06/08/2017 00:09

I wonder if the OP were the mother of the DCs would she still be told she must surely come in third place in her DHs affections? I have a DH and DCs, I think I rank equal

That's irrelevant. OP isn't his wife or the mother of his kids. She's just a girlfriend that, for all we know, he's been dating for as little as six months. He'd be a bit of a shitty father if he considered her equal to his children. But as it is, he sounds like a good and thoughtful father. If you want to go shopping OP then take a mini-break in Europe by yourself. Don't spoil this for your partner and his son.

missiondecision · 06/08/2017 00:09

I haven't rtt because I'm anxious everyone will be telling you yabu and massively so.
It's his prize and he chose his son because of their mutual love of golf . What a loving thing to do, trip of lifetime for the son.
What's stopping you buying your own ticket and joining them?

SouthWindsWesterly · 06/08/2017 00:13

So if his son gets the holiday, the daughter gets an expensive gift, what has he offered you? Nothing? Probably as your the adult and he puts his children first. It's hard truth to realise but true, and it makes him a good dad.

melj1213 · 06/08/2017 00:18

If dh won a luxury break I would expect to go with him not one of the kids

But it's not just a "luxury break" it's a "luxury GOLF break" won by the OP's DH ... the golfing part is the important bit because the OP has no interest in golf and his DS does.

If it was just a luxury weekend away, I would totally think the OP was not in any way unreasonable to expect that she would be the one going with her DH ... but it isn't. It's a golf weekend the presumably the OP's DH knows the OP wouldn't enjoy, but his son would, and therefore has chosen to take him.

Seeingadistance · 06/08/2017 00:24

I think it's lovely that he's taking his son, and it will be a memorable trip for both of them, getting to do something they both enjoy. His daughter is happy too.

He sounds like a really good dad.

And remember - this was a prize in a competition he entered for fun, by the sounds of it. It's not as if he planned something which excluded you.

JayneAusten · 06/08/2017 00:25

People comparing it to a family and saying 'I'd expect my DH to go with me not one of the kids' are spectacularly missing the point. This is not a family situation - this is a girlfriend, who is not equal to let alone ahead of a man's children and never should be.

He's taking his son because they both love golf. It would be spectacularly selfish of you to be anything other than privately sad about this.

lottieandmia · 06/08/2017 00:41

YABU I'm afraid. He's right to put his son first.

notangelinajolie · 06/08/2017 00:46

YABU. It's lovely that he is taking his son - a man who puts his children first is a good man.

gluteustothemaximus · 06/08/2017 00:50

I would think it more bizarre if he did take you. Someone he has known 6 months. Someone who doesn't like golf.

Over his son who he has known nearly 16 years. Who does like golf.

He's done the right thing. What a lovely trip for them as father and son.

honeyroar · 06/08/2017 00:54

I think that you need to stop looking on it as a holiday and look at it as a golfing trip, then you may see why it made more sense to him to ask his son (he didn't pick his daughter either for the same reason..). If he'd won a romantic weekend in Paris or tickets to something you love I'm sure he'd have thought of you first. He should have discussed it with you though, it would've been nicer.

Mittens1969 · 06/08/2017 01:06

I understand the disappointment but how lovely for him to be able to take his DS, who is after all the golf fan. They will very likely play more rounds of golf together whilst there. Father and son bonding time

As you have your own independent life, surely you could book a holiday with a group of your friends whilst he's away?

Your response does sound quite selfish. Or at the very least, it's how it will come across to your OH.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2017 01:07

Is HBU for taking his son? No.

Are YBU for being disappointed at missing out on a luxury trip? No.

Would it have been courtesy for him to discuss it with you and explain his reasons instead of just saying he is taking DS? Yes

Duck90 · 06/08/2017 01:11

You say that holidays are not rare, so why fuss about this trip? This does not sound like a happy relationship. You want more recognition than you are getting.

SweetLuck · 06/08/2017 01:11

I bet you haven't been together for years.

Of course he should take his son. It's a golfing holiday. His son likes golf. There you go.

Mittens1969 · 06/08/2017 01:23

If the OP didn't want to be seen as unreasonable she's not doing a good job, tbh. Posters are just giving their honest answers to the question AIBU.

I do understand that you thought you'd be going, and I understand that you're disappointed. But of course he's going to want to share the golf final with his son, it's a shared interest. Ok, it's not just a golf holiday but they will be talking about it all through the holiday. He doesn't want a companion who isn't interested in golf at all!

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/08/2017 04:38

MelanieCheeks, your dh's son has, not 'is' Down's.

OP, I'm afraid I agree that you're really not getting it. I find it interesting that you assumed he would be taking you, when you know his ds is also a golf fan. You assumed you would be the obvious choice. And you responded early on in the thread to YABUs with posts about the childcare arrangements, as if you expect them to cover all contact, almost as some annoying duty.

I disagree with many others that taking his son makes him a great father - it makes him an ordinary decent father who is doing the minimum his son has a right to expect. (And unlike others I think it's not a problem for the dd to miss out, assuming she doesn't like golf, and as long as her father does something with just her another time - in this case it seems she's happy with the gift as compensation). You, however, do sound like the sort of stepmum who expects to come first (you emphasise twice how 'very happy' you are) and are brought up short when your partner doesn't treat the dc essentially as inconveniences.

I think some of this may be about the amount of time your partner spends on golf - were you expecting the trip as compensation for that? Your partner's dc, though. are not the right place on which to project your anger. (And if his sport is also to the detriment of seeing them, sorting that out needs to come first for him. A long way before spending more time with you).

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 06/08/2017 04:51

If you'd been together years you'd already have said.

YANBU to be disappointed at not being picked. YABU to expect to be picked first.

araiwa · 06/08/2017 04:54

You dont even want to go to the golfConfused

You want him to spend the entire break alone? So you can go shopping instead?

Jeebus

GreenCarnation · 06/08/2017 05:00

His son is just as important as you

His son is far more important than you.

GreenCarnation · 06/08/2017 05:07

Why are step parents so berated on here? Its a bloody tough job!

Only six months in and you are already grumbling.
You are not a step parent. A six month relationship with a man does not make you a step-parent.

RebootYourEngine · 06/08/2017 05:11

OP you need to look at this in a different way.

All you see is dubai when you should be seeing golf. Its a golfing holiday. Doesnt matter where in the world it is its still a golfing holiday.

Would you have been so bothered if he won a luxury golfing break somewhere in the UK?

GreenCarnation · 06/08/2017 05:16

Why are step parents so berated on here? Its a bloody tough job!

You have lived with this bloke for six months. You are not yet a step parent. You are dad's lady friend.

Broken11Girl · 06/08/2017 05:28

Agree with those saying shopping in Dubai is crap, all pretentious overpriced and tedious...ime prices are higher than the UK, and you're looked down on if you don't look like a WAG. I'd rather go to Bluewater or Westfield any day.
Hope that's some consolation OP. I do get why you're miffed, ignore the nastier posters, but his DS likes golf, which is the point of this trip...so YABU a bit. Go to Thailand for your next holiday, actually amazing shopping Smile and lots of other stuff.

GreenCarnation · 06/08/2017 05:30

Maybe you need to be unavailable to be there for the cooking etc when his kids come to stay and you should start conducting yourself without consideration towards them and see how long it takes before he kicks off about it, my guess would be not very long

With that attitude, I'm pretty sure who won't be around very long.

GreenCarnation · 06/08/2017 05:35

The OP does need to suck it up, because quite rightly, his CHILDREN come before some bird he has known for 5 minutes

Hear hear.

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