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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about holiday

431 replies

ifcatscouldtalk123 · 05/08/2017 21:55

A little bit of background. OH and I live together in a very happy relationship, we met about six months after his marriage broke down and I moved in six months later (I know really quick but we're not kids and didn't see the point of hanging around when we are very happy together). He has two children, boy and a girl, nearly 16 and 11. OH is very much into his sport which I don't generally mind, it does take up a lot of our spare time but it gives me down time to enjoy time with friends, catching up with personal stuff (I work long full time hours).

OH recently went abroad on a boys golfing trip, only 5 days and funded entirely by himself. No issues here. While he was abroad he entered a competition for a bit of a laugh with no intention of winning. A bit of a pitch and putt. He's ended up winning an all expenses paid, four day trip to Dubai to watch a golf competition final. Luxury flights, accommodation, meals paid for, you name it.

Fabulous! I get to go shopping in the Dubai malls while he watches the golf. No! He's decided to take his 15 year old son (who shares his love of golf - it would be wrong of me to miss this bit out). The reason being is that his mates would disown him if they thought that he would not take his son and he would be a bad father - not necessarily in that order). The golf will take up a small proportion of the trip.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
HowsAnnie25 · 07/08/2017 21:49

If my husband won the same trip I would expect him to take my eldest son as he loves all sports and in a couple years time will probably want to be holidaying with his mates/girlfriend.
I would think it a lovely opportunity to do something really special together.

Maireadplastic · 07/08/2017 21:53

Thank you, HowsAnnie, for saying they should do 'something special' rather than 'girly' or, even worse, go shopping together.

BertrandRussell · 07/08/2017 22:02

I can't understand why this is a step parent issue. It's just obvious that the son should go.....

famousfour · 07/08/2017 22:05

Hmm. Some odd responses here. I was thinking about how this would pan out at home. I think I'd be pissed off too if my DH just announced that is what he was going to do. I would expect to be considered and there would be a discussion.

That said obviously I would be very happy for DH and DS to have the time together if that is what he hopes for - but assuming DD was actually ok with it. I'd bury my disappointment.

LakieLady · 07/08/2017 22:14

My dh, a keen motorbiker, won a trip for2 to the final moto gp session in Valencia this year. Lots of free booze, late night parties etc

Now that I would be jealous about! I'd love to go to a MotoGP, and Valencia would be my second choice, after Misano. Mind you, no way would DP go without me, he knows how much I love it.

Jux · 07/08/2017 22:27

Oh bother, I'm not usually thick, but I still don't understand the this is not equal bit, as used by you, op, way upthread.

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/08/2017 00:20

I don't think this counts as a couples holiday. It's golf lovers prize. His son is the only reasonable choice to go. I wouldn't expect to go as his partner or be jealous as a daughter... now if it was a trip to New York etc something that would be different

TashaRomanoff · 08/08/2017 00:28

You are being selfish. It's a golfing prize, allow him to go enjoy it with his son. His children come before you and always should.

pollymere · 08/08/2017 02:19

He probably should have discussed it with you first, but going with his son sounds lovely and if it's golf themed, a chance in a lifetime for them.

Gezzagirl · 08/08/2017 03:26

Op if you get to read this, I really feel for you on this thread, your always the witch when your a 'step mum' and I don't care if your married or not your still doing everything a step mum does and it sounds like your a great one if they enjoy coming to you.

I understand why you feel pissed off its human nature to feel like that, I've felt similar in so many situations like this, you can not help the way you feel and it doesn't make you a bad person. Unfortunately sometimes you have to just swallow it and go with it. I get like this over things but then I kind of get over it. I don't think you were saying you should be the one that's going you just wanted to know if it's normal to feel like that and yes of course it is. People don't really know till their in the situation either of course everyone thinks the son should be the one to go, no one is really considering your feelings.

I hope you can arrange for something nice over these few days for yourself. I 'll come away with you op Grin

Dianag111 · 08/08/2017 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 08/08/2017 07:28

Children SHOULD NOT automatically come first every time. That's not helping them at all.

Sometimes is IS adult first, sometimes a dad does put his partner first.

Why?

Because it's important for kids to see how relationships work, that sometimes you do show your loved one how mUch they mean.

My ds knows he's in every decision I make, but sometimes those decisions are made for my benefit

My oh does put me first sometimes and it's important for his dd to see how love works.

Otherwise the dc get their firsts when it's right to do so.

Everyone is first sometimes

In this case it should have been discussed, op just felt cut out, and that's not right. What the dad chose to do was right, but he should have been a bit more soft about handling how he did it.

Hissy · 08/08/2017 07:32

You come across as a selfish 40 year old woman, who needs to grow up, get a job and focus on the children

Wow! What a prize twit!

None of that's anything to do with you..

And working means SO much more time available to focus on the kids!

What utter and complete bullshit!

Somersetlady · 08/08/2017 07:33

What a lovely man to make the most of his unexpected bit of luck with his son who will appreciate such a trip!

His children should always come first I think its a super thing as a Dad to have his priorities so sorted.

I get that its hard for you to feel you are missing out but as you have no interest in golf what a waste. I am guessing its the desert classic so at the very worst couldnt you just book an extra flight and tag along as its not until February?

LML83 · 08/08/2017 07:43

I don't think it is relevant that you are a step mum. For birth mum I would also think this.

Son likes golf so he is a more natural choice. If son didn't like golf I would expect he may take a golf friend as next choice. I imagine playing with someone is better than on his own while you shop.

I am sure if it was not golf you would be first choice rather than choose between kids. If he won a trip for 3 I would expect him to choose his kids.

Try not to be pissed off.

Writermom22 · 08/08/2017 08:24

You will not always come second but regardless of natural, step, or adopted kids, people's roles in families change over time. Until the children are 18, they are the responsibility of the parents, so if a trip comes up that your partner and his son will enjoy, then who is anyone to tell them different? I dare say if he'd won a trip to the land of "whatever his daughter loves", then she would be his first choice.

In two years, his son will be 18 and probs won't want to spend as much time with old dad, and as his daughter grows and discovers boys/makeup/parties/etc, then she'll want to spend less with him too, so that's when you'll do more things together.

Make the most of your "down time" while you can, because when he's yours full time, it will be like having a pestering kid around your ankles.

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 08/08/2017 08:39

@Trollspoopglitter why do you insist on knowing my family situation better than I do?

I don't know your situation any better than you know mine but if you were to ever be in a position where a stepmum was helping raise your children, if your marriage were to breakdown, then I very much pity that woman. I hope this doesn't happen as you would be hideous! I am blessed with a reasonable woman who is the mother of my stepchildren who recognises that my part in the family is valid.

We look after the children 4, 5 or 6 days a fortnight (more in school holidays) and whilst this isn't full time it is enough to make a difference. If they hated coming to ours and felt I had a lower position in the family it would be very difficult, as it is they appreciate we are all equal! We've gone through big issues together, bullying at school, puberty, exam stress, girlfriend issues, everything any normal family does, even though I did not give birth to them!

For god's sake get over it. Grown ups deal with this! Step mums have a say in how children are brought up!

OP posts:
Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 08/08/2017 08:42

Thanks so much to everyone who is responding. This is a long thread so you may not have read that I've realised I was a little wrong in being quietly peeved and I hope they both have the most amazing time.

As for DSD and I, we'll probably have a spa weekend or something else to make up for it, along with the lovely gift she's received from her dad to try and compensate for her not going.

OP posts:
JanKind · 08/08/2017 08:48

I think YABU. Golfing holiday with his son as opposed to watching golf alone? No contest v

SoupDragon · 08/08/2017 09:34

Have you found where I berated you yet, OP?

Forkrightorf · 08/08/2017 09:40

OP I must say I think you've conducted yourself very well on what has become quite an unpleasant thread!
I'm glad you're now happy for your DSS to go on the trip with his dad, it's definitely the most sensible outcome. Hopefully DP will treat you to a break or shopping trip or whatever interests you some other time as a consolation for missing out on Dubai.

HeartStrings · 08/08/2017 09:58

I don't get why people are getting arsey with the OP. She's admitted that she knew she was wrong to feel the way she did and she's accepted the situation and is happy with DSS going away.

All the 'equal' BS needs to stop! Yes everyone is entitled to their own opinions but none of you on here know OP in RL and how her life actually is on the other side of the screen

Tessabelle74 · 08/08/2017 10:03

I'd be a bit miffed too but I'd understand why he'd take his son. I also think like others that he'll need to do something with his daughter too so she doesn't feel left out

Faxthatpam · 08/08/2017 10:04

Wow some of these threads do get out of hand! This is a good example of the downside of social media - people saying such unpleasant things that (hopefully) they'd never say IRL. There's nothing wrong with disagreeing with the OP but there is a lot wrong with making assumptions and being frankly bloody rude to/about her. I think you have responded really well OP. I don't think you were wrong to feel a bit put out - I would have done too, I think most of us would if we are honest! And you've realised your DSS is the right choice. All good then. So everyone can calm down and carry on.

Jaxhog · 08/08/2017 10:30

OP, it sounds like you've reached a lovely conclusion. Son gets a fab golf weekend with his dad; DSD and you get a fab spa weekend together. Result!