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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about holiday

431 replies

ifcatscouldtalk123 · 05/08/2017 21:55

A little bit of background. OH and I live together in a very happy relationship, we met about six months after his marriage broke down and I moved in six months later (I know really quick but we're not kids and didn't see the point of hanging around when we are very happy together). He has two children, boy and a girl, nearly 16 and 11. OH is very much into his sport which I don't generally mind, it does take up a lot of our spare time but it gives me down time to enjoy time with friends, catching up with personal stuff (I work long full time hours).

OH recently went abroad on a boys golfing trip, only 5 days and funded entirely by himself. No issues here. While he was abroad he entered a competition for a bit of a laugh with no intention of winning. A bit of a pitch and putt. He's ended up winning an all expenses paid, four day trip to Dubai to watch a golf competition final. Luxury flights, accommodation, meals paid for, you name it.

Fabulous! I get to go shopping in the Dubai malls while he watches the golf. No! He's decided to take his 15 year old son (who shares his love of golf - it would be wrong of me to miss this bit out). The reason being is that his mates would disown him if they thought that he would not take his son and he would be a bad father - not necessarily in that order). The golf will take up a small proportion of the trip.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 05:55

I understand you are pissed off. However, this is a golfing holiday. It is natural and normal for him to want to go and watch the tournament with a companion, who actually wants to watch the tournament with him. I don't think it would be fair to expect to go to Dubai with him and do your own thing. And by the sounds of it, you'd hate being at the tournament with him. He's got the perfect solution. His son and probably something he'd never get the opportunity to do. As others have pointed out, the shopping over there is overrated. If you get on with his dd, I'd ask him for some money for a shopping trip with her, spa treatment or a nice weekend away together. Then everyone feels like they've got something positive out of this windfall.

WeatherDependent · 06/08/2017 06:01

That's life with children, it's all about compromise and not always getting to do what you want.

It's brilliant that you say that his DCs are happy and well balanced. He's known his DCs for 16 and 11 years, they came first into his life before you. There'll be so many other issues which will come up you need to realise that sometimes you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

RadioGaGoo · 06/08/2017 06:38

Lol. Sorry OP, you are never going to win on here with the step parent thing. If you had just said you were your partners girlfriend and took no interest in cooking/cleaning/help parenting your partners children, you would be berated for being selfish for not trying to forge a relationship with his children and having 'netters predict a quick end to your relationship. However, if you say step parent, who does all of the above, you will be told that you should not be given any consideration where the children are involved and (as you have been) demoted to just a 'lady friend'.

I can understand how disappointed you must be about the holiday, but once the initial disappointment has faded somewhat, you will see that what your partner has done is right. There will be plenty of time for you both to enjoy a holiday (and one which allows you to spend all the time together).

With regards to the length of the relationship, doesnt matter. My DP moved on with me at six months and six years later he is my DH and we have just had our first DC. No one ever said to either of us we were rushing by moving in. A bit of an old fashioned view IMHO.

llangennith · 06/08/2017 06:39

I'd be upset about it too. If you had won some sort of luxury trip to Dubai for two I'm sure your OH would expect to be the person you'd take.

Dowser · 06/08/2017 07:59

I feel for the daughter.
I think you and the daughter should go as well.
When my exh moved to Dubai he took my grandson out for a week two years running.
He would only be about 8 but he has some fabulous memories and wonderful pictures of ski Dubai and interacting with dolphins.

I'd ask you partner to go back to organisers and ask if ou can pay the difference for the four of you to go.
I've won many prizes where I've done that.

juneau · 06/08/2017 08:09

It's a golf break, he loves golf and so does his DS. So why would he take you, who doesn't give a monkey's about golf? Of course he's going to take a fellow golf fan. YABU.

And as someone whose dad didn't do this kind of thing, it makes me happy that some dads do. He may be in a new relationship, but his kids still come first. That's how it should be.

Crispsheets · 06/08/2017 08:11

Is Dubai the new Holy Grail like Disney is for kids?

BertrandRussell · 06/08/2017 08:12

If dp or I won a generic holiday we'd take each other. But if I won a horsy holiday I'd take dd. If dp won a boaty holiday he'd take ds. That's just logical, isn't it?

Useranon123456 · 06/08/2017 08:13

Sorry OP, I can see you want to go and with your OH, but YABU!!

SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 08:16

Me and dh have 2 kids. Non of us always come first, it really does depend on the situation and whats going. The kids needs always come first. But the kids are not the OPs. This trip isnt about need.

Op you are expecting him to put you first. You expected him to ignore this trip is based on his sons interest. And take you, even though its bases around his sons interests. I am not saying you always expect him to put you first, but in this instance you are.

He is absolutely right to take his son. The reason you feel shit is because you assumed it would be you going. You are disappointed because you got yourself excited. The disappointment comes entirely from your own assumptions.

rightwhine · 06/08/2017 08:16

Yanbu feeling disappointed but he is nbu taking his golf enthusiast soon on a golf break - given that his dd doesn't mind.

Just one of those things. Don't give him a hard time over it.

thethoughtfox · 06/08/2017 08:18

His children should come first,

thethoughtfox · 06/08/2017 08:19

Be happy this is the kind of guy you are with.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 06/08/2017 08:20

I would definitely look into paying the difference and going along too! Despite what many people say, Dubai is a fabulous place to visit and there is so much to do (besides golf!).

TooLow · 06/08/2017 08:21

If you're feeling like this then can you imagine how his DS would feel if he decided to take you on a holiday based around golf instead of him?

I do think you ABU to feel pissed off. I think you should feel happy for his DS to be able to have a great opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with his dad.

eurochick · 06/08/2017 08:23

He's a good dad, unlike lots of the deadbeats I read about on here. This reflects well on him.

Also, Dubai is a shithole. I'd be relieved not to be going!

IrritatedUser1960 · 06/08/2017 08:24

I'd see that he wants to take his son for a lovely golf holiday and I'd accept it but I'd still be incredibly pissed off.
Not sure I could go out with someone with children who are still school/university age.

sandgrown · 06/08/2017 08:37

My OH and I have been together years .He has a significant birthday soon. He has decided he wants to do an outdoor activity walking a specific route. It will involve camping. He wants to do this his four sons ( my stepsons and our son). Myself and DSD are delighted that we are not expected to go!

LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 08:47

I can understand you are disappointed OP, but try and look at it from the son's point of view. If he really is a golf fan he has probably been playing and watching golf for years with his Dad. Then his Dad wins a trip to see a huge tournament with all Europe's top players, and a few other great players from around the world (if it is the one I'm thinking of). The son would give anything to go and see it with his Dad. But no, Dad chooses to go with relatively new (?) partner who won't even watch the golf and just wants to go to the shops. What a huge disappointment and almost a slap in the face for the boy. Dad will have a rather miserable time watching on his own when he could be sharing the excitement with his son. It's not about the 5 star hotel etc., it's about enjoying the golf.

DH, DS (12) and I all play and watch golf. If DH won such a trip although I would be green with envy they have tickets for the golf and would love to go and see it , I would very happily DS have 'my' place.

LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 08:49

Let DS have 'my' place.

hippyhippyshake · 06/08/2017 08:54

Nowhere does op say they have only been together 6 months!

I think I would be initially miffed but only if it was a done deal before I knew about it. I like to think it was a considered decision by dp (and obviously the right one) but that he was aware that the op and his dd might be upset. I think the dd is a lovely girl to accept the secondary 'prize' I would be expecting nothing less than my own luxury break if that was me!

Is it worth looking into paying extra for the two of you to join them?

And please don't call a woman 'some bird'. This isn't the 70s.....

Justdontknow4321 · 06/08/2017 08:57

Why don't you just say how long you have actually been together ?!

His DS comes first, he ds likes golf and you don't.

His son should come before every single time.

You need to stop being jealous of a kid. Pissy because he wants to take his son instead of youHmm. Grow up.

LIZS · 06/08/2017 09:00

It was never your holiday to have ! His choice of companion so he has chosen one who shares that interest. Presumably you could pay to tag along.

onaseem · 06/08/2017 09:01

Hello. My opinion (not that it matters). The best option would be for him to spend a bit more money, and take his GF / Partner (which is you) and his daughter. That will be a more balanced approach. While the men are out watching golf you and the daughter can go out and enjoy. This way it will be nice cosy and comfortable. If I was in this situation I would do this, and yes for some it may sound you are being selfish but to me it is a man's role to ensure that all is balanced and the entire family move as a unit. I hope sanity will prevail and the best solution out of this situation will be achieved. Y don't u propose to your man this solution. See what he thinks. Will await your reply.

Genghi · 06/08/2017 09:05

I think he's right to take his son over OP. The son enjoys golf and this is a golfing break. My guess is OP wouldn't have wanted to go if it was in the UK so he fact it's in Dubai is immaterial.