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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about holiday

431 replies

ifcatscouldtalk123 · 05/08/2017 21:55

A little bit of background. OH and I live together in a very happy relationship, we met about six months after his marriage broke down and I moved in six months later (I know really quick but we're not kids and didn't see the point of hanging around when we are very happy together). He has two children, boy and a girl, nearly 16 and 11. OH is very much into his sport which I don't generally mind, it does take up a lot of our spare time but it gives me down time to enjoy time with friends, catching up with personal stuff (I work long full time hours).

OH recently went abroad on a boys golfing trip, only 5 days and funded entirely by himself. No issues here. While he was abroad he entered a competition for a bit of a laugh with no intention of winning. A bit of a pitch and putt. He's ended up winning an all expenses paid, four day trip to Dubai to watch a golf competition final. Luxury flights, accommodation, meals paid for, you name it.

Fabulous! I get to go shopping in the Dubai malls while he watches the golf. No! He's decided to take his 15 year old son (who shares his love of golf - it would be wrong of me to miss this bit out). The reason being is that his mates would disown him if they thought that he would not take his son and he would be a bad father - not necessarily in that order). The golf will take up a small proportion of the trip.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 06/08/2017 20:00

You always get some snidey posts on mumsnet, debates get very polarised and this is always an issue that arouses strong feelings on here. I've noticed that OPs never like the snidey digs, and posters always deny that their posts have been like that.

It's good that you haven't expressed your feelings to DP, OP, he sounds lovely and a great dad. A PP's suggestion of booking a spa appointment for you and DSD sounds like a lovely idea. Smile

SoupDragon · 06/08/2017 20:09

Yes, clearly you don't use Chambers.

Now I'm proved correct I'm being childish

Proved correct about what?

to be pissed off about holiday
LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 20:09

OP, apart from anything else if your DSS really is a big golf fan this will be a huge deal to him. He will be absolutely gutted if his Dad doesn't take him and takes you instead and the other ticket to see the golf is not used. If you are feeling pissed off about not going he will feel a thousand times worse if he doesn't go. At his age he will feel rejected and he won't be forgiving his Dad in a hurry (or you), especially as you have always done everything to say all in the family are equal, this won't look at all fair and equal to him.

SoupDragon · 06/08/2017 20:12

I couldn't give a shit whether you are a mother, step mother or just a girlfriend/partner. What you aren't is a golf fan and that is all that matters.

WiseDad · 06/08/2017 20:12

@ifcatscouldtalk. You are right to be miffed, and also should be happy he can take his son and enjoy something together. Many fathers don't get on with their teenage sons and the family home is like a war zone.

Dubai is a dump anyway. A family trip economy class isn't outrageous if you really want to go, or a couples trip, but the golf trip will do wonders for father/son relations that will last much longer than any glow from the tan you might get.

It's hard work being a parent, especially step parent, of a teenager. Ignore the bad advice and rejoice in the happiness that this trip will create for those you care about. But you are right to be upset, just don't let it get to you.

SoupDragon · 06/08/2017 20:19

This situation is unique and my question was simply was I wrong to be pissed off as we all had equal rights to be there

But you don't have equal "rights" to be there. The son loves golf. The father loves golf. I assume the daughter doesn't and neither do you.

SpartacusSaiman · 06/08/2017 20:22

The Op is only disappointed because she assumed she would be going.

Why she would assume he would opt to take her on a golf break, rather than his son.....who will actually play golf while there is odd.

But her disappointment is purely something she has created herself. Because she assumed she had more right to this trip.

No one else fault that she is disappointed

LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 20:25

Agree with Soupdragon you don't really have the same rights in a sense. This is a perhaps once in a lifetime trip for a golf fan, a very big deal as I said before. It is not the same for you or your DSD.

sparkleandsunshine · 06/08/2017 20:26

I don't think you should feel pissed off, my dad would have taken my brother if he had won this and my parents aren't separated. He would have made it fair by treating me and possibly bought something nice for mum while he was away. But this is something they share.
I think I might feel a little envious, but I promise Dubai isn't that good, my family lived there for 5 years and the shopping is the same as home but more expensive!! The only thing that I liked was the knock off handbags.
I know it sucks and he shouldn't take his son just because of his friends opinions BUT this could build some great father, son memories and you should try and be happy for them. Xx

Beebee7 · 06/08/2017 20:32

I know 6 different women who are with men who are divorced with children - 3 of them are married. Not ONE of them, NOT ONE, resents the time their man spends with his children. One man (my niece's boyfriend's dad,) takes him away ski-ing every March, (to Switzerland,) and on a golfing trip to America - every single year. Just them 2 and a bunch of other guys. The other men I know do stuff like this with their sons (and daughters too.) Not one single complaint from one single one of the women at all. Ever.

The whining and complaining from the OP is really strange. I have never known such resentment and annoyance at a man spending time with his OWN CHILDREN. I would think a man was amazing if he took his son on a trip he won. Surely after (supposedly) 6 years, the OP must know that her partner puts his children first??? I can't believe that she is only just finding this stuff out. I also cannot fathom why she expected to be taken on a golfing trip when she doesn't play. It's all very odd.

Something ain't adding up!

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 06/08/2017 20:36

@SoupDragon you did seem to "give a shit" when you were berating me for daring to call myself stepmother. Now you don't? I can't keep up with your moods.

As for those who speak FOR me and know what I did and don't assume, @Spartacus you haven't the first idea what I did or didn't think. The facts are clear in my first post, please don't use any assumptions you make on my behalf. I did not assume I was going. I asked if I was being unreasonable for being pissed off that this was not discussed and we were all considered first.

OP posts:
LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 20:40

OP, I am not asking to have a go at you with the answer (and of course you are not obliged to answer), but I am curious how long the trip is for, and which days?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/08/2017 20:43

Are we all equal in families? As adults we get to make most of the choices

However, I would happily sacrifice my enjoyment to ensure my DS experienced an opportunity like this

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 06/08/2017 20:43

It is a long weekend, as we don't live near the airport it involves an overnight stay in London to catch the early flight. 5 nights in total.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 06/08/2017 20:49

Beebee7 I would never share these thoughts in real life. Perhaps much like you're friends.

OP posts:
PinkPanther27 · 06/08/2017 20:49

Are you not happy for your son? How would you feel if your partner changed his mind and said he wanted to take you instead. Would you go?

Beebee7 · 06/08/2017 20:51

Nice try OP, but the women I know are really happy that their men love and adore their kids so much. And they positively encourage interaction between them.

Maybe you should try it? May make you more happy and less bitter.

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 06/08/2017 20:52

After reading the responses no i prob wouldn't go. It's right for DSS to go and enjoy the experience. If DH and I want to go one day we probably can.

OP posts:
LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 20:52

I asked because I thought it may just be a long weekend. You said earlier the golf would only be part of the holiday, but it won't be if it is a long weekend. If your DP is really keen he could be there from 7am until 8 or 9 in the evening, Thursday to Sunday, plus travelling time to the course. You would hardly see anything of him. Maybe this is one reason he didn't discuss it, he presumed (rightly or wrongly) you wouldn't want to spend the whole 4 days and well into the evening alone.

LeMesmer · 06/08/2017 20:55

Glad to see you think that OP, I think maybe you just didn't realise how much of a big and great thing it is for them to see this together (understandable if you are not a golf fan)

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 06/08/2017 20:55

Beebee7 I'm very happy and not at all bitter, not sure why you think I am? It's an anonymous online forum where we posters share things we wouldn't in real life.
Apologies for grammar/spelling mistakes - predictive text on the phone.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/08/2017 20:57

I would be pissed off if he hadn't discussed it with me

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 06/08/2017 20:59

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I'm signing off now to spend some time with DH before another working week begins.

A lively debate and one where I realised that it was right for DSS to be the one to go on the trip. I'm no longer pissed off and see the error of my earlier judgement. THanks again.

OP posts:
Beebee7 · 06/08/2017 21:03

ooookaayyy...

Beebee7 · 06/08/2017 21:03

@ifcatscouldtalk123

But you sound bitter OP. I am basing this on everything you have said so far, and the fact that you resent your partner taking his son away, and not you. Most women would be happy that their man loves his kids so much, that he put them first. And let's face it, it's a GOLFING trip and you have no interest in golfing, so why on earth do you think you should have gone instead? Why so much resentment for your partner taking his son? Confused

As has been asked of you, if it had been a golfing trip to Birmingham or Coventry, would you still be ranting about him not taking you. Because from what you have said so far, you just seem miffed that you have missed out on a trip to Dubai, not that you have missed out on a golfing trip, or time with your partner.

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