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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about holiday

431 replies

ifcatscouldtalk123 · 05/08/2017 21:55

A little bit of background. OH and I live together in a very happy relationship, we met about six months after his marriage broke down and I moved in six months later (I know really quick but we're not kids and didn't see the point of hanging around when we are very happy together). He has two children, boy and a girl, nearly 16 and 11. OH is very much into his sport which I don't generally mind, it does take up a lot of our spare time but it gives me down time to enjoy time with friends, catching up with personal stuff (I work long full time hours).

OH recently went abroad on a boys golfing trip, only 5 days and funded entirely by himself. No issues here. While he was abroad he entered a competition for a bit of a laugh with no intention of winning. A bit of a pitch and putt. He's ended up winning an all expenses paid, four day trip to Dubai to watch a golf competition final. Luxury flights, accommodation, meals paid for, you name it.

Fabulous! I get to go shopping in the Dubai malls while he watches the golf. No! He's decided to take his 15 year old son (who shares his love of golf - it would be wrong of me to miss this bit out). The reason being is that his mates would disown him if they thought that he would not take his son and he would be a bad father - not necessarily in that order). The golf will take up a small proportion of the trip.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/08/2017 21:10

@SoupDragon you did seem to "give a shit" when you were berating me for daring to call myself stepmother. Now you don't? I can't keep up with your moods.

Please point out where I did anything of the sort.

SoupDragon · 06/08/2017 21:13

I only pointed out where the definition given by others had come from. I haven't berated you for anything at all. Not once.

HadronCollider · 06/08/2017 21:24

All the O.P was saying that she would have appreciated the trip as much as her DSS (albeit for the shopping) but was not even considered or consulted with initially. Whilst it makes sense that he bring his son as they both enjoy golf, there does seem to have been an element of 'lads holiday' about it.

LynetteScavo · 06/08/2017 21:34

If I'd left that bit out and said I was pissed off about me and DD rather than DSD being left at home I'd have been supported and told he's a bastard!

I'd still say exactly the same...because personally I would always want my DC to have something above myself. I totally get you might not feel the same about someone else's teenage child.

Glad you've seen things from another perspective.

RadioGaGoo · 06/08/2017 21:47

Beebee7 - your comparisons don't appear to be the same. Your friends DSC appeqr to becroutinely taken on holidays. I am assuming your friends are aware of when this happens. In the OP's case, a holiday was won and before discussion, her DP said he was tm taking his son. She (rightly or wrongly) feels a bit pissed about this.

I can't see how this translates to her being resented or annoyed at her DP spending time with his DC. She has been the DC step mother for six years. I doubt she has resented them all that time.

She doesnt sound bitter to me, just initially disappointed that she doesnt get to go to Dubai.

RadioGaGoo · 06/08/2017 21:50

Oh dear, phone issues

'appear'
'be routinely'
Ignore 'tm'

Trollspoopglitter · 07/08/2017 08:01

Do you not think you're fooling yourself a bit thinking you are all equal? At the end of the day, you are not their parent. Your opinion is welcomed, probably even sought by your partner when it comes to raising the children - but what would happen if you had a really strong and diffierent opinion to him on an important issue? Do you really in your heart believe your opinion has equal weight to the mother and father of the kids in any decision you as a "blended family" make? Of course there'd be a discussion where your opinion would be considered, but that's not the same as being equal.

Similarly, you're now upset that there wasnt a discussion on who he's taking on the trip, where your opinion would be considered. But that's not the same as being equal.

Other posters keep coming back to this and you dismiss it. That's hardly what debating and seeking out different viewpoints is about.

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 07/08/2017 13:02

@trollspoopglitter I'm glad you know so much about how our "blended family" (hateful term) works and how you're so sure my opinion wouldn't count.

In this real life family, where my opinion counts to my partner far more than that of his ex wife, we are equal.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 07/08/2017 13:23

Sorry OP but when it comes to the DC you are not equal to the ex DW in your opinions . Biological parent trumps girlfriend.

Hissy · 07/08/2017 13:34

Your 5 minutes lasted longer than my marriage OP :)

Good for you that you have come around to understanding that it's a better boy/dad trip than it would be for you to go. I do completely get your disappointment though

Some people have been unbelievably awful on this thread, what a shame. What utter disgraces they are.

Thing is about family hierarchy is that ALL of us are the priority. At some point in time.

ALL OF US. Me, the OH, the DC, the Step DC. Sometimes even the parent of the stepDC.

for any one of us to be the top of other peoples lists, we have to place ourselves there. For people to feel and be important, we have to give others their time at the top of the list too.

Our time has to come at some point, and by the look of it, the OP will get an opportunity at some point to have something special with her OH, and she deserves to.

This time the OH is putting his DS first, because instinctively he knows he'll love it. All too soon a 15yo will decide hanging out with his dad isn't as cool, and this will be a great experience for them to share, perhaps keeping the relationship closer for longer.

You're a good SM OP. It's not easy, but you are doing a great job!

Hissy · 07/08/2017 13:35

Can we stop with the girlfriend shit?

OP has been living with this guy for SIX YEARS!! That's partner at the least.

some of you are making our she's some blow in whore. She's not.

rightwhine · 07/08/2017 13:43

I think you've behaved well considering some of the posts op.

YANBU to be a tad peeved about it, I'd be envious too, but you now see why it is the right thing to do. But I agree DH could have discussed that with you rather than presented it as a fait accompli.

abigcupoffuckyou · 07/08/2017 14:19

In this real life family, where my opinion counts to my partner far more than that of his ex wife, we are equal

You said you were pissed off because you weren't equal.

Could you please make your mind up what your actual issue is? You keep changing it.

Phalenopsisgirl · 07/08/2017 14:35

I get the feeling the op would have been happy to allow her dp to take dss but I think a lot of this comes from his not actually consulting and talking it through with her, instead she was just told, which is pretty shit and inconsiderate.
I also get the feeling that lots of people on here are seriously lacking in empathy and are projecting a lot of their own issues.

Jux · 07/08/2017 16:18

I am still confused about the "this is not equal" bit. If dh won a musical weekend to, say, New Orleans, Imwould very much want to go and so would dd. I would not even be considered as a possible, as both dh and dd are performers and I am not.

If I were to win a trip to Bayreuth, dh wouldn't get a look in as he is not an opera fan, and dd is.

No question of equality as the wants are simply not equal. Your wants are not equal to your dss's in this case. If your dh won a weekend in New York, then perhaps they would be.

Original poster
ifcatscouldtalk123 · 07/08/2017 16:18

@abigcup you're back to pick another fight but went quiet when you were proved wrong last time. I don't know what your point is? I am equal in our family which includes DC's children I.e. My step children. I have no issue with this as I'm very secure in this position. My first and only issue was one of being peeved (now not so) because he decided to take DSS. I'm over it, I aired it and realised I was being a little bit over sensitive and that it's right he takes DSS.

@oldbut that may be the way in your house but in or home ex wife does not trump our (mine and DPs) rules under our roof and my opinion is very much heard. Ex wife still has her say in her home but not ours. Sorry to disappoint. Call me what you like, GF makes me feel young again Smile.

Thanks to @hissy and @rightwine

I should be working so better get back to it. Happy Monday all.

OP posts:
Leapfrog44 · 07/08/2017 17:25

hmm I think I'd be annoyed too but only in a selfish way.

I'd be reminding myself to be charitable and happy for him.

Mrspiggy456 · 07/08/2017 17:31

To be completely honest with you, I don't think you are BU. I would be annoyed if I didn't get chosen! If it was purely a golfing trip, all day every day, then I could understand him taking his son. But if the golf is only a small part of the holiday, and the rest could be spent doing stuff together, then I would want to go. You're not asking people if it's wrong that he takes DS you're just asking if you have a right to be pissed off, and I think you do.
Also how does his DD feel. Surely she feels a bit left out that he's going with DS and she's not invited.

ShonaClap · 07/08/2017 17:32

I'd be pissed off too. I think the people slagging you off are quite out of order as you are feeling miffed and wanted understanding. Of course it must be disappointing to think you were going and then be told not regardless of who he is taking. Perhaps tell him you are disappointed and say that since he has had two holidays, could you book one together? The issue is not going with him twice as I can see, not that he has taken his son.

GeorgiePeachie · 07/08/2017 17:37

YABU. He has won tickets to the event. Yes a bunch of other things too but if you don't go to the golfing bit then its a huge loss for the people providing the tickets when they could have given that spare ticket to someone else to see the golf.

He's earned a relevant prize and he should choose his son who would enjoy every bit of the prize as well. you're just trying to freeload on the holiday.

ShonaClap · 07/08/2017 17:37

Cannot believe that comment. I have just joined mumsnet and thought this was a supportive place and you are suggesting her partner will leave her. That is just nasty.

Trampoline11 · 07/08/2017 17:40

Would you still feel the same if it was your son who was going and having this experience? I do understand why you're miffed but it's the way new families are imo

Jaxhog · 07/08/2017 17:41

YABU (although i get why you're miffed).

Look at it this way, he gets to give his son a wonderful memory of dad/son time. Why not spend some time pampering back home while he's away?

Sparkerparker · 07/08/2017 17:49

Maybe you and his dd could do too? Then everyone is included?
If that's not an option then I think it's only fair to bow out gracefully.

JustJayne1959 · 07/08/2017 17:59

You didn't say but you certainly implied it. Whilst he's away, why not have some girlie time away with your stepdaughter (unless you don't get on with her fully) and have him foot the bill? Or suggest a girlie weekend with friends. I certainly wouldn't stamp my foot like a spoiled brat it's a golfing holiday, one which you haven't any interest in