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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said she's raising psychopaths.

568 replies

OohMavis · 05/08/2017 19:22

My friend and I have fallen out.

She has zero empathy for any type of animal or living thing other than herself and her children, basically. I find that utterly baffling and quite upsetting, and I don't think I'm unreasonable in that respect, but I might have overstepped a mark a bit by saying this, and I want some opinions.

She was here yesterday with her two children so our children could play together. They were playing in the garden, we were sitting out with them, chatting. DD came running to me, excited, saying she'd found a really big beetle, asking for me to come and see. She's 3 and obsessed with mini beasts. My friend's children overheard and came to see too. They ran ahead of me and my friend followed behind, by the time we'd arrived her son had STOMPED on this beautiful stag beetle (I think) and killed it Angry

DD was so fucking upset. Honestly, it was just such an unecessary thing to do. The kid is 7. It's inexcusable. I reacted, raised my voice a bit and said "Why did you do that?!" he just laughed and said he wanted to stand on it. I said that's a really nasty thing to do. Then bent down to see if he'd 'popped its head off'. He had, he was quite pleased with himself. His mother said nothing, I looked at her for a response and got a half-shrug.

DD was in tears by this point so I took her back to where we were sitting and friend joined me. I was comforting DD. She said, "I think they get it from me, they just don't like animals"
I replied, "well that's fine but they shouldn't kill them"
"Well it's not like it was a cat or something"
And this is where I got a bit angry and said "yes well it starts off that way doesn't it, with that attitude you're raising two psycopaths"

She was obviously offended. Sat there for twenty more minutes with a look on her face before making an excuse and leaving, awkwardly. Got a text later saying she thought I was completely out of order calling her kids psycopaths, kids step on insects and I'm overreacting. I didn't reply. She texted again telling me I'm a hypocrite since I'm not even vegetarian Hmm and she doesn't think she'll be coming again.

WIBU to mention the word psychopath. I was angry, it may have been over the top, but I still think it.

OP posts:
NoPressureNoDiamonds · 07/08/2017 19:17

Awww - hugs to your little girl X

SherbrookeFosterer · 07/08/2017 19:19

Drop her and find your kids better playmates.

Well done for standing your ground.

TheWitchAndTrevor · 07/08/2017 19:19

Christ, a child steps on a Stag beetle and it's such a hoohaa
Keep out of it
Other people's kids are not your responsibility, so keep your opinions to yourself.
If you knew you were in the right you wouldn't be posting about it. Apologise and move on*

Hahaha

So many points missed, and the total lack of understanding that when other people's kids effect your own, you damm well do get to share your opinion Grin

Mittens1969 · 07/08/2017 19:21

Ok, actually she didn't call them psychopaths, she said her friend was in danger of raising them to be psychopaths.

iMogster · 07/08/2017 19:21

All psychopath adults were once children. The traits are there. He was under no threat, he rushed over and enjoyed killing a 10cm stag beetle and checked to see the head had come off, like it was the icing on the cake. The fact it's a protected species makes it all the worse. Also the mother genuinely doesn't see a problem with his actions so chances are it will carry on and get worse. I'm with you on this one OP, you're the first to speak out on it but I'm sure others have thought it. The fact you used such an emotive word might actually make her think this isn't ok and just something all kids do. I have 2 boys and they would never do this, they would be like your DD and burst into tears if they witnessed it.

guiltybystander · 07/08/2017 19:24

Can I just say that I find people who don't like animals weird. It's not the stepping-on-the-beetle thing. Kids do that kinda thing. It's the fact they don't like animals. Very very odd, especially from kids. Anyone who doesn't like or hurts animals should get the f@# out of this life.

PoorYorick · 07/08/2017 19:27

It's fine not to like animals, it's not fine to kill them when they pose no threat, purely for the sadistic thrill. And it's not fine to condone it tacitly by not correcting your child on it.

glowfrog · 07/08/2017 19:27

For me the most shocking thing isn't so much that he killed that bug but that he did it to upset your DD on purpose. That's what you should have pointed out to your friend.

If it was a stag beetle, they are on the endangered species list and it's actually an offense to kill one, I believe.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 07/08/2017 19:37

Yanbu.

Badhairbigarse · 07/08/2017 19:40

Think you were out of order.

I don't kill insects and teach my children the same.

Recently had family visit from another country and the mother got stressed around insects and killed them - and the children followed suit (spiders).

I don't think that makes them psychos. I think that makes them have a different attitude toward insects than we do.

And as a mum to a DS who is 6 - mine can be a handful and does all manner of cringe worthy things in company of other children on a play date. Gets totally over excited. Picked up a brick the other day. He got sanctioned, of course. But the whole experience gets him hyper. And totally different to DD in that respect.

PoorYorick · 07/08/2017 19:43

Recently had family visit from another country and the mother got stressed around insects and killed them - and the children followed suit (spiders).

I don't agree with this, but at the very least that's not sadistic. Did the mother kill them because she saw others admiring them? Did she relish doing it and inspect the remains to see if she'd decapitated them? Did she seem pleased at how gory it was?

roundaboutthetown · 07/08/2017 19:46

The mother's total failure to react to her child's behaviour when he had clearly taken pleasure in destroying a living thing, not through fear or for food, but just for the fun of seeing it decapitated, without even caring about the other people around him who thought it beautiful alive and would be repelled by its destruction, was frankly a bit odd and detached. There was certainly an apparent lack of empathy there from the mum on several levels. Maybe she thought you'd done enough of the telling off, although by saying nothing herself, I think she was failing in her duty to point out to a small child why his behaviour was unacceptable in more than one way. I can see why she was upset by the psychopath comment, as that's an extreme word, but I wouldn't be sad not to remain friends with someone who didn't seem to comprehend that the boy's behaviour was shocking and needed dealing with head on, not ignoring. The lack of any concern for anything but his own repellent pleasure in destruction should definitely have elicited more of a response from his own mother!

MsHarry · 07/08/2017 19:56

Kids do step on insects BUT the boy's mum was there and so she should have reprimanded him. I work in year 1/2 and we have a couple of boys like this. They have zero empathy and the parents shrug also. I wonder.....

OvertheRainbow2U · 07/08/2017 19:57

definitely psychopath - a child that played with my youngest threw a slug at full pelt at my patio window for fun - disgusting little shit - he has now been imprisoned for rape and violence aged 25 -j ust saying.....

Bobcat14 · 07/08/2017 20:00

Totally back you up on this. YANBU. I would've had a similar reactions

Lovelymess · 07/08/2017 20:01

Psychopaths is a little OTT lol but what he did was very mean and uncalled for

Woopzies · 07/08/2017 20:08

YABVU.

At the end of the day, it's just a bug. You weren't personally harmed - nor was your DD (seriously harmed, anyway). He's a child ffs - so what if he jumped on a bug? He'll grow out of it. Highly immature to start calling children psychopaths just for this, OP.

Badhairbigarse · 07/08/2017 20:11

Bloody hell. The boy is seven. They do all manner of weird things.

I think going on about seeing the beauty in living things yada yada is OTT, actually. It's not a dog, it's a beetle.

Perhaps the Mum is picking her battles. Not your problem, it's hers.

I mean if you don't like her or her DS move on. But they're not beneath you.

Like I said - I like letting insects get on with their lives as do DCs. But I'm a bit outraged at this outrage to be honest.

Badhairbigarse · 07/08/2017 20:12

And beneath it she might have been upset. Like I was the other day when my DS did something totally weird on a play date.

My friend gave me a cuddle though.

jessebuni · 07/08/2017 20:20

Well admittedly you might have overreacted to use the word psychopaths however I'm assuming you didn't mean that her children are currently psychopaths just that they might be one day if they continue to just kill things for fun. If this was the case then I think you should reply and explain that. Just say to her "I'm sorry if it sounded like I was calling them psychopaths what I meant was that they could become psychopaths one day if they don't learn that killing things for fun is wrong" there is a big difference between killing for food and killing for fun.

I had a similar thing where a friend of my son's was looking at a tiny spider on a wall and my son crushed it for no reason. Both boys were 8 and his friend cried. I told my son off for it and it still bothers me two months later that his first thought was to crush the poor thing for no reason. IMO the mother should be teaching the children that killing things for no reason isn't Ok regardless of what it is.

upperlimit · 07/08/2017 20:23

Of all the weird things that go on on MN, the delight in waving the psychopath stick at children is the most baffling.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 20:23

No-one on here has never killed a wasp!! Or used slug pellets?
Streets, I'm weirder than I thought.

PoorYorick · 07/08/2017 20:23

But they're not beneath you.

Yeah, they are.

RiverTam · 07/08/2017 20:24

Badhair have you read all the OP's posts? Including the one about the neighbour's racing pigeon?

Still think this woman deserves a cuddle?

And unlike a dog, a stag beetle is a protected species. This kid is 7. In 3 years time when he hits the age of criminal responsibility he could find himself in a lot of hot water. In fact, if his mother carries on like this, I guarantee it. Still, boys will be boys, eh?

RiverTam · 07/08/2017 20:26

Neut do those things for fun, do you? To watch them die for fun, to upset a child smaller than yourself? No? Then it's completely irrelevant, and has been done to death anyway on this thread.