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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 15:20

Dragondog opened his eye to confirm he will definitely be up for bathing in eau de MaxwellDog.

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?
MsHooliesCardigan · 06/08/2017 15:21

pinky Thanks, he is rather wonderful. Mummy Your dog better not upset my cat or there will be hell to pay.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 15:29

MsHoolies
He can run faster than Bolt. He'd give greyhounds a run for their money as the lure, he's a fluffy, squeaky thing so I hope your cat can run fast.

GinIsIn · 06/08/2017 15:44

Actually MaxwellDog is very good with kids - perhaps she could babysit the toddler....

Littlechocola · 06/08/2017 15:51

Since you are organising a crèche I'll be sending my children while I go and unwind in a bar.

Did that the other day and was bored within half an hour. What a sad life.

squoosh · 06/08/2017 15:54

Does anyone want to send a sulking, grunting teen?

runsmidgeOMG · 06/08/2017 15:54

I think where the problem hen has gone wrong is she's demanded that she should have preferential treatment, she's invited her toddler to the main meal and husband to the main event by proxy.

I organised my best friends hen do as MOH
My baby was 4.5mo. My baby was EBF

My friend wanted a small group- affair, initially she wanted a night out in the town I live in and to stay over with about 3 other girls we both knew, I was already pregnant when she got engaged so baby was no surprise.

Me and another bridesmaid found a lovely hotel as a surprise, it had a separate group room away from the main building. My husband did stay in the main building and I went to feed only, he didn't attend meals, he didn't attend activities. If we'd included him in things the dynamic would have totally changed.

If you're going to change the status quo, YOU need to be the one to pay extra/compromise- Not demand it of everyone else. As far as I was aware, the only person that was effected was me, that was at least what I had intended.

Bride had cuddles with baby on the morning we left, she's her godmother and loves her. I've never asked whether baby being in the vicinity bothered her.

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 15:55

loving the dogs!

Just met the bride for coffee. She said the Demanding Friend sent her several essay type messages on why i was being completely unfair and that i wasn't even bothering to look at trying to see if it would work because I don't want dd and dp there. Bride replied "But neither do I, they're not invited"

bride then asked whether Demanding Friend would like to either still come without dp and dd or cancel altogether.

Demanding friend replied "Fine i will come". That's it.

So the best bit - bride then messages and says "what are you doing for the wedding? Maybe you can arrange something similar for childcare while you're away if DP is struggling on his own?"

and kudos to EVERY POSTER who called this - demanding friend then replied:

"what do you mean? I don't need childcare for the wedding?"

i won't reiterate every message between them because the exchange was long but the long and short of it is that although it states it quite clearly on the invitation that its child free, demanding friend know she bride's sister had just had a baby and will be attending with said baby (we are unsure how she knows this) and decided she would be bringing her DD if "babies are okay" as "she's still just a baby really"

Bride is now actually relieved that this all kicked off for this to come to light before wedding but is now wishing she hadnt invited her mother to anything.

Feel sorry for bride. Although not too sorry as she could have proper coffee and prosecco this afternoon while I was stuck with my ginger and lemon tea.

Suspect this may be the last update til hen do now, also suspecting Demanding Friend may pull out of everything entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 15:56

Demanding friend sent essays in response to bride's initially messages to her, after i'd spoken to bride, just to be clear!

OP posts:
Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 15:57

her mother?? stupid phone *her

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 06/08/2017 15:57

Toddlers and indeed babies do not belong at a hen do ever.

MadamePomfrey · 06/08/2017 15:58

So is demanding friend getting to bing her DD to the wedding or not then I'm confused?

AndromedaPerseus · 06/08/2017 15:59

Ohhh! Free childcare with entertainment and accommodation thrown in save some places for my 3 grumpy monosyllabic teenagers

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 16:00

@madamepomfrey no she is not, but she had assumed she could

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 06/08/2017 16:00

MaxwellDog says she can bite the crazy bitch in the hot tub if you like.....

So is crazy mum still planning to go to the wedding?!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/08/2017 16:00

Ooh that is great, good on the bride for telling her. Entitled selfish woman. I don't think she will come to the wedding or the hen night, and I don't think after that bride and and demanding friend will be friends anymore. My goodness she has more front than Niagra Falls.

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 16:01

Can we borrow Maxwelldog to guard the wedding?

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 06/08/2017 16:02

She was a bridesmaid at mine. She says yes. Grin

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 16:03

was she really? That's fantastic!

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 06/08/2017 16:03

If it wouldn't put me I would post a photo. She really was! Grin

Littlechocola · 06/08/2017 16:04

Demanding friend sounds like hard work. I bet she drops of out hen and wedding completely.

Her dh is probably desperate for her to go away for the night!

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 16:04

ah that's brilliant!!! :D At this point I think maxwelldog will be a much more welcome guest at both hen do and wedding

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 06/08/2017 16:07

She wants to know what time you're sending the limo for her....

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/08/2017 16:21

She's still just a baby really

OMFG!

Rachel0Greep · 06/08/2017 16:21

I was really confused for a minute when I read that her mother was invited too Grin. Sorry, OP. I know it was auto correct but it made me smile.

Great thread. It really makes me wonder though how some people's thought processes work... Just as well all of this has come up now, I guess, before she appeared on the day with the toddler and insisted on the child being at the top table or something equally daft.