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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Whisperingwinds · 06/08/2017 10:16

Wow just wow . YANBU

She is being bonkers - just say no.

FrankieStein · 06/08/2017 10:16

Omg I just spent an hour catching up on this craziness!
Well done OP this woman sounds deranged!
However I have been in this situation (minus the deranged behaviour)

My cousin was getting married, and another cousin had just had a DD. C1 (Bride) really wanted us all at her hen do. C2 wasn't up to craziness as DD was only 6 wks old (understandably)

So we arranged for a "family" hen night, in addition to the boozy one arranged by the MoH. (Obviously bridesmaids and MoH were invited and helped arrange)

We went to a family friendly Chinese which had a disco on afterwards. C2 brought DD along for the meal and left earlier. Had all the hen night tat trimmings like banners, sashes etc. And loads of my aunts who weren't keen on traditional hen night stuff (strippers and cocktail making etc) came along.

Bride was really happy as she got everyone to one or the other of her hen nights and no baby dramas!

OVienna · 06/08/2017 10:16

What a cheeky shit that other hen is. Good thing you didn't wait for the other organiser to reply OP, she sounds like a pushover.

Imagine trying to change the time of the meal -FFS.

elessar · 06/08/2017 10:19

Brilliant thread and well done OP!

My only concern would be that she'll go to the hen do and spend the whole time sitting there with a face like a smacked arse and totally ruin the dynamic for everyone else.

I wonder whether you or the bride could pull her up on the 'not thrilled about it' comment and tell her that if she can't attend with good grace and a positive attitude then she's not welcome?!

Otherwise be prepared to grit your teeth, get very drunk and spend the weekend ignoring misery guts!

JoMalones · 06/08/2017 10:19

Well done OP! I've only been on one hen do with a toddler... my own. My fucking useless husband to be couldn't cope for a whole day. It spoilt the whole thing and needless to say the marriage didn't last long at all. Being home and sober at 9pm wasn't fun for any of us (still bitter about how he was totally fucking useless and manipulative!)

If she can't see that the bride or other hens don't want it then she must be crazy. No one can relax, including her or her child or partner.

Sparkletastic · 06/08/2017 10:23

What the hell was the other organiser thinking in saying that this madness could be accommodated??

roseandgrey · 06/08/2017 10:24

Best thread in a while and OP, you are just FAB Smile

tutulover · 06/08/2017 10:39

When I first read your OP I thought the women with the toddler is trying to get out the Hen do because reality has hit that's she's going to miss her child and she wants to get out of going on the Hen do so she's asked if she can bring her husband and child knowing you'll say no and so she can say "oh well I'm gonna have to leave it but you have a nice time" whilst breathing a sigh of relief.
But how wrong I was!!! I cannot believe the pull out bed and take over the living room thing, or the bring a toddler thing or being the DH thing. I'm astounded at her shear cheek. Absolutely astounded.
This has to be a wind up Jeremy Beadle is gonna pop out from behind a door so surely?

Ediemccreedy · 06/08/2017 10:39

Loving this! Can't wait til the hen.

whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 10:40

Why thank you @roseandgrey
takes a bow

I have no idea how the other organiser planned to 'make it work' @sparkletastic that was part of my frustration. She didn't even supply a plan or anything just a vague 'sure it will be fine'.

I'm relieved it seems to be sorted, the group chat is back to mocking the idea of children coming this morning which is slightly awkward considering Demanding Woman has been re-added and can plainly see the messages. Things like pictures of their screaming children this morning captioned 'definitely not bringing this one along' or 'counting down the days to a child-free weekend' etc etc

I'm actually sort of dreading the hen do now as I think it's just going to be awkward with a bit of an atmosphere but hopefully not

OP posts:
Mix56 · 06/08/2017 10:44

Also anybody knows, whether you have any DC or not, the Dc is not going to sit with daddy across the room all evening, that would make her tantrum 1000%, she will want to run over to Mummy. sit on her lap, eat her meal, drink her Prosecco.... meanwhile Mummy can't even get drunk & disorderly as they are both there bloody watching.
She is frankly delusional.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/08/2017 10:45

Well handled op!

Whocansay · 06/08/2017 10:45

Hopefully, she will realise how unreasonable her request was. And at least if she can see others taking the piss, any annoyance she feels will not just be directed towards you.

However, she has shown little in the way of self awareness so far...

I think you've played it as well as you possibly could. Please don't feel bad. She is 100% in the wrong here.

OVienna · 06/08/2017 10:47

Maybe she'll bow out when she sees all that. It sounds like she's in her own little world.

Leeds2 · 06/08/2017 10:49

I bet she doesn't come, if she has seen the What'sApp messages.

MsHooliesCardigan · 06/08/2017 10:49

As someone who struggles to be assertive, I just can't get my head around people like this.
Is it OK if I come along with 9 year old DS2 and his tortoise? I have a very clingy cat who will pine for me if I leave him. He's looking forward to it.

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?
harrypotternerd · 06/08/2017 10:55

entitled much? Demented woman not you Op, you are awesome!

CosmicStrider · 06/08/2017 10:57

I am organising my DSis hen do, and am MOH. As a direct result of Mumsnet, I created an Event on FB, laid down ALL the ground rules - a simple meal, under twenty quid a head (excluding drinks), in a central location, numbers to be confirmed by a certain date, no movement at all after that, that this was about the bride and only the bride, that everyone bought their drinks at the bar to avoid confusion and some people over/under paying, no costumes etc.

I think everyone on the group thinks I am a militant bitch, but they are coming. I have reiterated and reiterated this is about the bride and only the bride - who has been the most chilled out un-bridezilla bride in history. All dramas and intergroup political drama to be left outside the door or I will ask them to leave.

We will see how it goes Grin

userinterface34 · 06/08/2017 10:58

So looking forward to the update after the hen do! This has been so brilliantly handled!

NoMudNoLotus11 · 06/08/2017 11:02

Do you think this woman will look back on this in years to come and cringe about herself when her toddler is older? We all think our precious first born tiny cute children are the most wonderful things in the whole world and the world must accommodate them and gush at their very presence. But as kids get older I think we gain a little bit of perspective and realise the things we did when they were little were just plain cringe worthy (like dressing them up and having their photo taken in a flower pot HmmGrin)

whyhastherumgone · 06/08/2017 11:03

Shall i do a new thread for the actual hen do if she does come? It's a couple of week she away yet but happy to oblige!

OP posts:
FuckyDuck · 06/08/2017 11:03

YES

waitforitfdear · 06/08/2017 11:03

She won't come op. Well Handled she sounds a bloody nightmare

waitforitfdear · 06/08/2017 11:04

Oh and if she does go yes yes please Smile

Notreallyarsed · 06/08/2017 11:05

Yes please OP, I can't wait to hear how it goes secretly hoping she comes and then strops off early thus not ruining the whole weekend