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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Sashkin · 05/08/2017 23:09

MammaTJ, I have known DHs request the kids go into care while DW is in hospital so they don't have to look after them, unfortunately. It's not common, but it's not unheard of.

The last one I remember was about two years ago, and DH first asked for the two primary-aged kids to be admitted to the paediatric ward, and when we said fuck no, said well HE couldn't look after them because HE had to work (work work work WORK), so could social services take them for a bit. We were all ConfusedConfusedConfused, I think the kids went to grandparents or some other family eventually. Poor little things. Lots of barbed comments in handover about that one.

MammaTJ · 05/08/2017 23:13

Sashkin, are paediatric wards not childcare facilities for people who WORK then?

The last thing I would want to do is hand my DC to SS, as I would struggle to prove I was a good enough parent to get them back! Grin

CircleofWillis · 05/08/2017 23:15

Do we actually know that the dp is a man? Doesn't make any difference to the situation but I think people have just assumed as so far as I can see the OP has not used a pronoun.

CheshireChat · 05/08/2017 23:19

I'm thoroughly impressed Fenella managed to remember and track down that thread. I mean I can't remember the threads I read last month.

ShoutyMcShoutFace · 05/08/2017 23:23

Oh my god. I took my baby on a hen do BlushBlush

She was about 8 weeks old though and ebf. It was local to me and- pre-arranged with the bride- I took her to the daytime spa/lounging around the pool part. She sat in a car seat at the side of the jacuzzi and had a little dip in the pool with us. Then she slept in the car seat while we had afternoon tea.
I then went home and put her to bed etc and then snuck out alone to meet up with them all at the meal. I did have to leave early just after we'd got to the club as she was screaming and DH couldn't settle her. But I thought I'd done ok to make the meal and one cocktail.
Was ibu?!

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 23:25

Haven't caught up with all the posts but the latest update is she is still coming to the hen do minus the DD and DP but she's "not thrilled about it"

There was a mild disagreement with the bride over it apparently but I'm not speaking to her properly until tomorrow so don't know the details.

I've just had a message from her saying "Add me to the whatsapp group again please"
Think i might leave it til morning now

OP posts:
joepommedeterre · 05/08/2017 23:26

Shouty, did you bring your husband too, and the three of you commandeer the lounge, and change all the eating arrangements?

Exactly....

joepommedeterre · 05/08/2017 23:27

No no OP add her now while she's still stewing about it!!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2017 23:28

Hmm, I could have insisted they all come along to the hospital with me I suppose!

I was about to say "Dont joke, it happens" but Sashkin got there first.

A (now ex) friend encountered this when she was doing her nursing training. Wife with emergency surgery and then recovery at home (say appendicitis) and husband apoplectic with rage because the hospital would not provide beds and care for his kids. What the hell was he supposed to do as he wasnt looking after them so who was?! They were only little and I felt so sorry for them. I can only hope that the way he treated those kids was a wake up call for the mother and she fucked him off, but somehow I doubt it.

missiondecision · 05/08/2017 23:30

If she was the instigator in this ridiculous idea of bringing her family then she is as mad as ...
If it was her dp, she needs friends.

NoodleNinja · 05/08/2017 23:37

Fucking nutter. It's highly inappropriate to bring a toddler to a hen do. Jesus wept, she'll be wanting the kid to wear white and walk down the aisle before the bride just so she feels like it's her big day too.

Who the fuck brings their child to a hen do??

A HEEEENNNNNNN DO????!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2017 23:38

Well let her not be thrilled about it, its not about her! Her dp had better step up to the plate and be a father fgs. Don't tell me, if they split, he will be one of those who will have the minimal contact he can with his child, just so it does not interfere with his social life. Nah wait until tomorrow before re adding her, I bet bride has told he that she does not want her to rock up with her husband and child.

llangennith · 05/08/2017 23:39

Funny how her DD can miraculously cope without DM nowGrin

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 05/08/2017 23:42

Well done OP.
Someone really let out all the cheeky fuckers this month, didn't they?

Duck90 · 05/08/2017 23:43

shouty it would have changed the dynamic of the day, so yes you could be similar in this situation. But, I guess everyone was okay (as far as you know). They are your friends, did you find it a good decision?

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 05/08/2017 23:45

Fuck me. How is she not embarrassed for herself to have such a difficult child and a DH who can't handle her?

You can bet she's going to go apeshit on the WhatsApp group.

"Aren't any of you mothers???"

It'll be swell.

dowhatyouwish · 05/08/2017 23:47

Hahahaha don't add her back! Silly Billy. She was being a drama queen to leave in the first place. She should be ashamed of herself. Her return to the whatsapp group will be so awkward.

GinIsIn · 05/08/2017 23:48

Umm, shouty I have to admit if I went on a hen and someone else had a baby there I would be a bit Hmm especially as I wouldn't dream of turning up with my baby so would have had to make arrangements for someone to look after him so I could go.

SadTrombone · 05/08/2017 23:48

Expertly handled OP. Shamelessly placemarking for any updates!

paxillin · 05/08/2017 23:48

If you leave and then re-join a WhatsApp group, do you see all the messages from the time you weren't a member?

GinIsIn · 05/08/2017 23:50

Reply saying you'll add her to the WhatsApp group.... but you're not thrilled about it! Grin

Chatoyant · 05/08/2017 23:50

No you only see messages from when you're added again pax

dowhatyouwish · 05/08/2017 23:51

@paxillin nah you don't

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2017 23:51

Let her see all the messages, she will see how ridiculous she is, and what people think of her bringing her husband and kid on a hen do.

Haggisfish · 05/08/2017 23:52

Stupendous work op.