AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

[whyhastherumgone]

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

I think if you re-add her to the whatsapp group , if anyone has said anything a bit close to the bone about her like perhaps saying how completely fucking off her rocker she is then she may be able to see it. So probs best to start a new group. Unless, of course you want her to 'accidentally' see any messages.

Oh, X-posted. I'm wrong. As you were.

Takes me back to organising my own (low key) hen do when a now ex-friend of mine sent a lengthy Reply All email to all invited, outlining how it'd be SO difficult for her to attend because she was still breastfeeding her PFB, and actually, could I arrange it so there was minimal alcohol involved because she was pregnant again?

Needless to say, I made it very clear that her presence wasn't essential, and it really opened my eyes to what an entitled dickhead she was.

I thought it was hilarious 😂

I dont think so Pax

Aero I think it more likely that the Hen would try to stop him having access than the other way around. If it was genuinely a case of him not wanting to care for the child then she would have cancelled. But she is still going so I am almost certain that she was the driving force behind this and not him. He is, as a pp said, probably perfectly capable of looking after his child but she doesnt let him.

Both my kids were problematic - think complete bottle refusing breastfeeders who were still feeding to sleep at well over a year.

My answer - I sucked it up and didn't go to a lot of things.

Dh's answer - if I would be close enough to come back in emergency then he coped.

Oh no! I guess I wbu I just didnt want to let the bride down by not attending. she is lovely and she was all "I don't want a big fuss".
duck I'm not sure, I mean no one said anything to me but maybe. It wasn't a typical hen I suppose in that there were no penises or alcohol in the daytime bit and there were about 8 people there and we all knew each other.
One of our friends was a bit pissed off when I had to go home on the night do as she thought my DH should have just handled the situation. But like I said I was happy to have got through the meal and first drink given baby was only little and bf, I thought at least I had made the effort for lovely bride friend.
Feel a bit cringey about it now though reading these responses!

Blatant place mark

I often wonder what these man-child blokes would do if their partner had to suddenly go into hospital or, heaven forbid, passed away. They'd have to deal with it then whether they like it or not!

She sounds like hard work but I feel quite bad for her. What kind of man does that to his wife?

I mean it's quite depressing to think that her right to enjoyment is not as important as his right to not deal with a tantrum.

shouty you sound very thoughtful of others, so I bet it was all fine. Don't worry or over think it.

Ooh just remembered something. Many moons ago I went to a hen do in Magaluf, and there were lots of girls in t-shirts in the airport there with "Louise's hen do" etc. There was one group where they were all women but also a little girl of about 8 or 9 with a t-shirt on. I felt so sorry for her, if there's been a few kids then that's different (but still inappropriate) and I can't imagine everyone was happy about that! I mean what would she do in Magaluf when they were all out on the piss? Who was taking care of her?

Brilliant! Best entitled wanker thread in a long time

Shouty taking a newborn to a poolside then taking her home so you could go for a meal is very different to having a tantrumming toddler and your male partner staying in the same house as a group of hens! I wouldn't sweat it, sounds fine

Id put her back in the group so she can see that everyone else in the group feels the same as you, it might diffuse her annoyance at you when she realises she has to be annoyed with everyone else too. She might realise she has to accept it gracefully and not create a fuss or not go (either of those outcomes would be a win!).

She needs to leave her daughter behind for 1 night or not go.

OP would it be rude of me to invite myself along to the first hour or so of the hen weekend? Just to witness the part where the two of you meet for the first time? I'll be very quiet. I'll sit in the corner with my glass of wine and make barely a peep.

I want to hear what the bride has to say tomorrow!!

Shouty pre-arranging with the bride to bring your baby along to a sedate afternoon at a spa is nothing like what this woman was trying on

Just NO. What a cheek.
Grrrrrr

Thank you Cherry and Duck. Sorry for the derail. As you were.

Wonder why OPs hen wants access back to the group. Is it just for last minute arrangements chat, or does she want to have it out with everyone?

Exactly Shouty, that's different to do that, not expect to bring your toddler and husband to stay the hen weekend in the accommodation, and for everyone to work round your child's schedule, no no no.

Op, if squoosh is going, can I come too? I promise to not bring any members of my family

I'm coming too, but will be bringing my eleven year old son. He likes my company and I can't say no to him. He will be sleeping in the bathroom so everyone will have to bring potties. It will be fine :)

Also he's bringing his hamster, which can't be left alone.

Will I arrange a minibus?

Oooh shall I bring the dog?