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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

343 replies

thelentil · 05/08/2017 17:28

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 05/08/2017 20:46

would you consider having them living with you for a week on a week off OP? Because then there would be no financial responsibility toward the mother and they could develop a more stable homelife which it sounds like they would have with you

talonofthehawk · 05/08/2017 20:46

@thelentil
I'm sorry you don't deserve being torn to bits. The responsibility is with their parents ultimately.

JaneEyre70 · 05/08/2017 20:51

Nits are truly horrendous, can take months to get rid of and I can understand your frustration completely OP if you're treating them but mum isn't carrying it on. Verrucas I'm not so worried about, my grandson has had one for nearly a year and our GP gave my DD a right mouthful for taking him there. We've spent a small fortune and the bloody thing is still taunting us. Socks on is a pretty simple rule for kids to follow. It sounds a very stressful situation OP.

Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 20:52

Could you have them living with you again? If social services have been called by school their are obviously some concerns, you sound concerned that they are not being looked after correctly? Your partner feels he's doing what he can in the small amount of time he sees them?

Why isn't he seeing them more? If it's because she won't let him then he needs to get a court order, the fact social services are already involved will probably make it easier for him to get more regular access or even custody, the fact you had them for a year whilst she was struggling proves that she may not be able to cope? If things are taken further by social services he will be forced to step up and help more and she will be strongly encouraged to let him help more (or risk losing her children). You need to be prepared for what might happen if social services feel there's signs of neglect. The best thing your dp and you can do is to try and see the kids more, try to help out more and try to get along with their mother.

Janeismymiddlename · 05/08/2017 20:53

This isn't about the money
To an extent it clearly I is. OP is resentful that her earnings go some way to supporting her step kids when with their father. The resentment is what comes across most strongly. She even resents him actually supporting his children by working - she wants him to help with their child. The expectation that he doesn't support or help his other children seems lost on her.

Is she right to be pissed off that mum seemingly isn't dealing with nits? Yes, probably. But they could be kept under control during the time they are with the OP and her partner. Opinions on veruccas are mixed - I personally don't treat because they come and go in my experience. I keep an eye on them. Again, the children themselves can change plasters when they are at mum's if they have the plasters in hand. So give them some?

VladmirsPoutine · 05/08/2017 20:57

OP, why did you get involved with him in the first place? I'm presuming you met him when his kids were just leaving todderhood. What compelled you?

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 05/08/2017 21:01

She sounds like a neglectful, shit mum. These children are suffering from neglect and this needs reporting more. You said yourself you won't for veruccas and nits but this is part of the wider picture of neglect. Yes she should sort these things, fact is she won't so instead of just moaning on here about it, actually do something and contact SS, especially as they are already involved.

I also agree with you that you are not responsible for paying out for these children any more than you do and it's ridiculous of anyone to think you should.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 21:10

I don't resent him working evenings, I just wish he was here for bedtime, I don't resent treating them, or buying them things, or paying for them. I have actually helped her out when she's been struggling, before they moved in, by giving him money to give to her.

They shouldn't move in with us, we will not take custody of them.

She's their mother, she loves them, they love her and they want to live with her, I don't resent them. I do resent her being crap and making poor decisions, I resent having to deal with the fallout from the shitty decision making and generally being a bit crap. I resent her on their behalf although they can only see her through the eyes that any child sees their mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 21:13

Vlad, why does anyone get involved with anyone? Kids I can cope with, fuckwitted batshit ex wives only reveal themselves when it's too late. I have previously asked him what the fuck compelled him to get involved with her.

It's complicated

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 05/08/2017 21:15

I get that it's complicated and that they want to live with their mum. But like you said they are looking at her through rose tinted glasses and maybe they shouldn't be living with her even if it's their first choice

abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 21:24

Vlad, why does anyone get involved with anyone? Kids I can cope with, fuckwitted batshit ex wives only reveal themselves when it's too late. I have previously asked him what the fuck compelled him to get involved with her

Why are you blaming her? He's just as responsbile, and just as shitty a parent. So what the fuck compelled you to get involved with him? I can never understand why women produce children with fuckwits already proven to be terrible parents.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 21:32

Why is he a terrible parent Fuckyou?

OP posts:
abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 21:35

You actually need to ask?

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 21:38

Why would you not take custody of them? And you said before that your husband doesn't want them to live with you, why not?

Genghi · 05/08/2017 21:42

So your stepkids are being neglected but you don't want to call SS and you don't want custody of them and you don't want to treat them. Being a stepmother isn't just about tolerating the stepkids when they visit their dad, it's about stepping in and protecting them too. And don't get me started on the deadbeat mum and dad. It's a fucking shame these kids have no adults who love them enough.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 21:43

He pays maintenance, he treats whatever they turn up with, whatever she's left untreated despite being given treatment, even after he has taken them to the doctors for an untreated infection, been given antibiotics she doesn't give them to the child regularly because she's just a bit crap/busy/got a lot on/whatever

We have had them live with us, never getting a penny in maintenance from her. Yes, I'm wondering why you think he's the shitty parent?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 21:44

I can't understand why a father wouldn't want his kids living with him? If they are being neglected then why wouldn't he step in and do something about it?

Of course they want to stay with their mother, they can't see that there's a problem as they don't know any different and their father only sees them every fortnight. Kids hate change so they wouldn't want to leave their mother, that doesn't mean it's ok for them to stay with her if she can't care for them properly.

Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 21:46

He's the shitty parent because he's not doing enough, because he doesn't want them living with him, because he only sees them once a fortnight and because he knows his kids are not being cared for correctly and isn't doing much about it.

Genghi · 05/08/2017 21:46

He's a shitty parent because he hasn't stepped in to take his kids when they're clearly being neglected by their mum. He's their father and should act like one and take them in.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 21:47

She loves them, she's just crap. I wanted to vent about her being crap, she treads the line between being crap and neglect. There is more to a child's wellbeing than whether or not their mum is a bit crap. They don't go short on love, they go short on being clean, tidy, organisedon time and nit and verucca free.

None of what I'm moaning about is a reason to take someone's kids off them. It's just antisocial.

OP posts:
Genghi · 05/08/2017 21:47

And look at you, OP. More furious about the potential for your child to get nits/verruca than any real emotion or concern about your stepkids.

Genghi · 05/08/2017 21:49

Nits and verrucas are symptoms of a wider form of neglect. It's the stuff you see. I'm willing to bet things are a lot worse at home, but the kids just haven't told you.

abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 21:53

We have had them live with us, never getting a penny in maintenance from her. Yes, I'm wondering why you think he's the shitty parent?

Because he sent them back to a neglectful parent and his wife is really only concerned with her own child and his pitiful income going to support his children.

Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 21:55

If they are not being neglected why would the school contact social services? I'm afraid they don't just call social services because a child has nits.

FelicityFucknickle · 05/08/2017 22:00

AYBU to not want them around your toddler?
Yes, of course you are, they're half siblings and you're part of a blended family.
Have a sock/ slipper rule
Get either one of their parents to treat any headlice.