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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line?

150 replies

LittleOwl · 05/08/2017 08:40

I am so upset i can hardly think straight

Backstory- married 15 years plus, 2DC (10 and 5). Weight 72 kg, just squeezing into a 12. Working 4 long days.

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late". "Can you please get a personal trainer" - no (no way I am eating into my savings for a personal trainer). This escalated into an argument about how unloved I felt, after I asked outright that the reason our love live was so bad (think desert) was my weight, which was answered "affirmative"
To be fair he apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, and for hurting me, but confirmed about 4 times how important it was for him.

I asked him - are you embarrassed to be with me, to which the answer was "not yet".

Worst was when I said that I felt unloved and all he was worried about was my weight he responded "chicken and egg"

I am not really sure where to take this. ConfusedAm I overreacting?

OP posts:
RockyBird · 05/08/2017 08:42

What a thundercunt

My ex mentioned my weight once. Ex.

Graceflorrick · 05/08/2017 08:42

He shouldn't have any view on your weight OP. If you're happy, he should accept that.

Lovestonap · 05/08/2017 08:44

I would take this to the divorce courts, but that's just me....

RockyBird · 05/08/2017 08:44

It's part of a campaign to make you feel insecure about yourself. Or it was in my ex's case.

Does he say any other undermining shit?

Questioningeverything · 05/08/2017 08:45

What a fucking prick no yanbu. What is so perfect about him?? Is he an Adonis?? Highly doubt it. Hardly sounds like he's got a personality either, what are you doing with him? He clearly doesn't give a shit

SolomanDaisy · 05/08/2017 08:45

What a bastard. Presumably he still looks identical to when you met? He's unloving, rude and mean. What are his positive qualities?

WonkoTheSane42 · 05/08/2017 08:45

If he only loves you when your body is (in his eyes) perfect, then he doesn't love you at all.

Hamiltoes · 05/08/2017 08:45

Prick for saying it like he did but....

"He shouldn't have any view on your weight OP. If you're happy, he should accept that"

You should also accept he might not find overweight people as attractive. I know I don't, and I would tell my partner that. Not sure why that's such a taboo option. Confused

Goldenphoenix · 05/08/2017 08:45

I would question my relationship with my husband if he spoke to me that way. It's in sickness and health, through fat spells and thin here. Sorry he is making you feel this way, you deserve better. Hugs

MissBax · 05/08/2017 08:45

Wow! His comments certainly are very insensitive and thoughtless. YANBU.

I have to say though (and may be slated for it), if DH put on a lot of weight it may affect my attraction for him - HOWEVER, I would never ever make him feel bad for it. I'd try and suggest we both have a health kick or get some exercise in together, or would sit him down and gently explain how it has changed my perception of him. I'm positive DH would do the same for me.

So your husband handled it VERY badly, and if he does this thing often and with other things then I'd have to ask why you're with him. However if it is just this one thing perhaps he doesn't know how to broach the situation and thinks making a "joke" of it is the best way. It's not, obviously.

Motherbear26 · 05/08/2017 08:45

So I take it he's some sort of bronzed god??? There is no need for him to make you feel like this, he sounds awful.

RainbowPastel · 05/08/2017 08:46

What a pig. I have been a size 14 up to a 22 over my 20+ years with DH. He has never commented on my size and loves me regardless.

Goldenphoenix · 05/08/2017 08:46

P. S. Didn't mean to suggest you were in a fat spell yourself, from what you have said you sound very slim and certainly a lot slimmer than i am!

AlphaBites · 05/08/2017 08:47

Wow what a bastard. My husband mentioned my weight once and he spent the next week on the sofa. That was 4 years ago (married 17 years now). I would be fucking livid at that.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 08:47

Your weight is your own choice, no one else's.

However physical attraction does play a part in relationships on both sides and he should be able to tell you the truth. It sounds like he went about it very wrong but if this was a one off incident it sounds like he made a bad attempt and got it wrong.

44PumpLane · 05/08/2017 08:47

I've also had some blazing rows with my DH recently after he mentioned my weight (bearing in mind at the time I was 6 months post birth of twins and getting minimal sleep). I was furious and hurt and it's not like I didn't already feel like a big fat lump .... so YANU to think he was being a dick!

The issue I have though is if I were to imagine myself with a partner who was gradually gaining weight I know I'd want to help them be healthier. So in some respects I understand where they are coming from but it's just been approached terribly, really really terribly!

MaitlandGirl · 05/08/2017 08:47

What a complete arse - he was totally hateful and completely ridiculous. 72kg and a size 12 is, for many people a dream weight/size.

I don't know if I'd be able to stay with my partner if they said something like that.

PopcornNRedwine · 05/08/2017 08:48

All he should want is for you to be happy.
Your value isn't based on what you weigh.

JeReviens · 05/08/2017 08:49

Size 12 is NOT 'a lot of weight' - at least not in any right-thinking way. To say otherwise is disordered. Size 22 - fair cop but 12? No way. So your DH is a rude insensitive overly fussy dick end. I couldn't be with someone whose love for and attraction to me depended on a bloody dress size.
As a pp asked - is he some kind of Clooney-esque adonis?

aramintafatbottom · 05/08/2017 08:50

What an absolute dick. I would be seriously considering leaving.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 05/08/2017 08:51

No that's awful. I'm bigger than I've ever been. Haven't shifted the weight from DS2 (worked a very physical job after DC1 so shifted it quickly, am now in an office job)

DH is very into fitness and must be aware of my weight but wouldn't even consider saying anything like that to me- because he's respectful and understands my bodies changes are largely down to carrying his children.

When you said you've joined a gym, he should of been encouraging you. There wasn't anything to be gained from going on as you'd obviously already acknowledged your weight. IMO he was just being cruel.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 08:51

Its odd because when women post her about not finding their husbands attractive because they have put on weight, they dint get this much shit.

Op i dont know the answer to this. Sounds like it was done in an awful way though.

If you are happy with you, thars whars important.

dowhatyouwish · 05/08/2017 08:51

There are much nicer ways to encourage someone you love to lose weight. It seems that you are aware you've put on some pounds and I thinj he could have offered to exercise with you or cook you a lovely healthy meal or tell you truthfully how he feels in a respectful manner. I think if you have become a bit podgy and want to lose weight then do so but he has no right to say it in such a disrespectful way. On the flip side sex is part of the relationship n if he's not attracted to you because you've put on weight this could cause further issues in the relationship. But surely he knows a woman's weight fluctuates all the time!

aramintafatbottom · 05/08/2017 08:52

And im a size 12 and I've never felt better. I'm not overweight or fat and I assume you cannot be much different.

MissBax · 05/08/2017 08:52

I couldn't be with someone whose love for and attraction to me depended on a bloody dress size. - oh come on. It's not unusual to have to be sexually attracted to someone based on looks (as much as we may be totally in love with them as a person). Let's not pretend that looks are totally irrelevant, as moral as we all may want to seem

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