To think DH has crossed a line?

[LittleOwl]

I am so upset i can hardly think straight

Backstory- married 15 years plus, 2DC (10 and 5). Weight 72 kg, just squeezing into a 12. Working 4 long days.

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late". "Can you please get a personal trainer" - no (no way I am eating into my savings for a personal trainer). This escalated into an argument about how unloved I felt, after I asked outright that the reason our love live was so bad (think desert) was my weight, which was answered "affirmative"
To be fair he apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, and for hurting me, but confirmed about 4 times how important it was for him.

I asked him - are you embarrassed to be with me, to which the answer was "not yet".

Worst was when I said that I felt unloved and all he was worried about was my weight he responded "chicken and egg"

I am not really sure where to take this. Am I overreacting?

The affair she and I enjoyed over the next three years came as a direct result of his comment

Or that was the excuse you both used to justify your affair.

Thanks Mittens1969 I don't care one hoot about any of my friends (male or female) weight, apart from when I know it will be affecting their health (but I wouldn't say anything as well, it's a minefield and not like they don't know :/ ), but I think you'll always be more critical about your partner as you spend so much time with them, and hurtful things, from both sides, will be said in a relationship. It's almost inevitable. Hence me saying that to LTB based on that alone is a bit premature. Unless being hurtful is consistent, and abusive, people should be able to overcome that.

But. If you don't share the same values, or are very incompatible in other ways, that's when the cracks show. Break-ups are often blameless: irreconcilable differences. And it's never just one thing is it, it's always a build-up.

I've met some very attractive people in my life, who as soon as they opened their mouths, became unattractive to me. And erm I had a massive crush on Meat Loaf for a while. So, I guess it must be the drive thing mainly for me, which the weight thing is only a small manifestation of (think wife work). The last drop so to say. I hope it works out too, still, as we are so compatible in many other ways. We want the same things out of life. And I miss him whenever he's not around. So we'll see.

I've read a lot of all your comments out to my dh and he's disgusted at your dh.

Just saying....

I'm not a size .12 , not even a 14 at the Moment and I'm getting grey hair now and he's just lovely and accepting and said he doesn't want to be married a teenager.

That's the standard to go for. I'm very loved and very cared for.
We both agree that neither of us would be happy if the other one gained a massive amount of weight.

So we do try to stay as attractive as we can for each other....but all within the bounds of average weight. Not supermodel skinniness and the only 6 pack he has in in the fridge.

Wow! Just. Wow!

I can honestly say if my DH said anything even remotely close to this his ass would be out faster than I could google divorce lawyers.

What an utter utter bastard!

Thank you for your perspectives- I find it very hard that I am in the end being reduced to a shape, and not sure if this is how ageing together feels.
On other days I would have said - his is part of a controlling campaign of corrosive feedback (and he has those I push back, give in, overall a tough path), but yesterday I think it was his way of sitting me down gently and telling me I was gradually getting fat.... not sure this is even worse (as what does this mean for the future)
So why I am still with him- because he is a loving dad, he does his fair share (well more than his fair share as there are plenty of areas he things he can do better), and we are very compatible in other ways (love being out on nature...)
But am not sure - where to take this. Any weight I lose, I will do for me.

I've seen this kind of behaviour before. From a controlling, narcissistic, horrible man, whose poor wife was in no way big at the time (but is now, ironically, but is also extremely beautiful, and far too good for him). I don't expect that she has ever forgotten him saying that to her. I'm angry and hurt on your behalf OP.

I have put on a lot of weight after dd & I wouldn't have a problem with h mentioning me putting on weight because I knew that he didn't fancy overweight women before we got married so I don't think you can just magic up an attraction for something you've never been attracted to before. As it happened he just used to say things like, I think you might be eating more than me then do a silly laugh and he'd then leave me alone. Other times he'd say something like how about we go no carbs together. He never said I'm too fat or it's a big problem.
The way your h has gone about telling you is awful. How can that help you in anyway? I think it's horrible and wouldn't be ok with that. Lose weight if you would like to go back to your former weight (not saying you have to, I did and feel so much better) and get back to fabulous while getting your ducks in a row then stuff him.

He was being an arse. If he has put on weight since getting married he is a very big arrogant arse.

But we cannot dictate what people find attractive. After all, women post here about their partners putting on weight and being less attractive so this is not a one way street. After all, women have said they no longer wanted sex and it was not stated as "Withdrawing sex is a passive aggressive way to go about things.". We need to recognise that women dont find men past a certain size attractive and the same then has to be accepted for men.

There are ways of communicating this and OPs DP failed miserably. But the underlying issue is still there and its up to OP to decide how to deal with it.

If there isn't more to a loving relationship than weight then I'm fucked. I was a fairly toned 14 when DP and I met and then having two babies in under a year and IBS plus anxiety meds have pushed me closer to an 18. He's never once commented on my size beyond telling me I'm perfect to him. He was a 28 inch waist (ex squaddie) when we met and is now a 34 inch waist and I've never commented. I still fancy the arse off him, and actually didn't even notice until I was buying jeans for him and asked what size he was

Just one question: Is he very fit? Does he go out running or to the gym? I'm exactly the same weight and size to you and I can see I have about a stone or maybe more on me. How he went about telling you is not on, but you're on the right path to lose weight. Personal trainer is great! I used to work out with one and dropped the weight very easily. Worth every penny! Do you eat healthily as a family? As that is half of the battle.
I wouldn't divorce him something he said but definitely would give it back to him😉

@AnnieAnoniMouse, I wasn't saying that OP's DH would have been justified in saying what he did to her if was size 18. I meant that I would have understood he would have noticed the weight gain. But size 12?? My DH wouldn't have noticed!

And even though my DH said that he didn't like overweight women when he first met me, he has never made a comment since. Although he's supported me when I've gone on different diets.

Here's the thing that concerns me when people place so much focus on appearance in a relationship... what if (and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but these things can happen) my partner or I were in a terrible accident and was left disfigured, scarred, disabled, unable to walk/exercise, or even paralysed. To me, really loving someone means that you would still love them and be with them if that were the case. People age, it's harder to maintain body shape, looks etc... so if there isn't more to a loving relationship than what each other looks like, then to me, that's a big concern.

Neither my partner and I could be considered model material... but it's everything about him that makes him attractive to me. His personality, his eyes, the way he looks at me, the way he treats me, the things we laugh about together, the things we have in common. He always makes me feel amazing, regardless of whether I'm dressed up for a romantic dinner or laying on the couch less than glamorous with a stinking cold or something. I couldn't go through life terrified of losing someone if I happened to put on a few pounds or if, through no fault of my own, my appearance changed significantly, and I can't imagine leaving my partner in those circumstances either. People we love should lift us up - not put us down.

I can only compare that I was always a tiny skinny person but after dc I had gained 3 stone and made very little effort to lose weight other than talk about it.. and be mortally offended if I detected slight agreement from DH that I was overweight.
He would occasionally sigh that I'd better not be moaning about my weight later when I was tucking into pavement slab chocolate bars etc.
We did also discuss my attitude to my changed body and that I was less up for adventure in the bedroom because I was self conscious and feeling frumpy.
But he wasn't rude to me about my weight.. we both knew my body changes were down to 2 difficult pregnancies and that I was still me!

@alfagirl73, you have a lovely partner and a great relationship.

It's like that with my DH, where my appearance is concerned. The comment I mentioned earlier was in reply to a loaded question looking back. He's never once commented on my changing appearance, and actually neither have I where he's concerned. It's the person you fall in love with not just the outward appearance (though it does play a part early on!).

It's one thing to say that your physical attraction for your partner has or would diminish if their appearance changed dramatically. We can't really control what we find physically attractive. It's quite another to suggest that your love for that person might change based on their weight which is how I read his "chicken and egg" response to Op saying she feels unloved That's really hurtful, it's no wonder Op feels reduced to just a shape!

PigletWasPoohsFriend, no excuse required :)

He can still be a loving Dad, and you can still love nature, but please don't let those attributes define him.
Sit down and speak with him, tell him how he has made you feel.
Take it from there LittleOwl.

Size 12 is a healthy weight. If your unhappy excessive for you! Also kick his arse!

I've seen ridiculous comments like this escalate into full blown eating disorders before. You're a size 12, you're not even at the national average yet... and even if you were larger than that (I am myself currently...) he has approached this with all of the tact of a house-brick through a window.

Personally, I'd be showing him the door if he's so unhappy with how you look. I'm sure he'd have the ladies he approves of queuing up for him and his charming personality. What an absolute dickhead.

@notquite I was thinking similarly. The DH attitude reminds me of someone with an unhealthy attitude to their own body. Freaking out over gaining 10lbs or so and still at a healthy weight. The OP sounds like she is taking a sensible approach and doing some exercise, yet he is turning it into a big deal and ruining her day over it.

Just to put all of this into perspective- DH knows how very unhappy I am about his comments and he has subsequently committed to not be very critical about the steps I take to address my weight "problem" (for three weeks no sugar, no wheat, no processed food, no alcohol), and twice a week 15 min of High intensity exercise- all I can do after a history of chronic fatigue- so I prefer gentle strengthening Yoga (He even offered to join these - let's see if that happens)
DH has refused yesterday to go for joint/couples counselling and he knows that I find his constant criticism very hard to deal with.
But he us on his very best behaviour currently
In the long run I need to look what this relationship is doing to me.
Questions asked - DH has started to develop a belly last year (I remember my heart warming when I first noticed- so clearly physical attraction is not a main driver for me in relationships), he is pretty much fully grey and has some thinning hair. I have never commented on any- we are simply growing older.
Personal trainer- I look after our finances and contribute about half of our money. So I know that having a personal trainer would mean I either to dip into slim savings or cut back on spending on my office lunches or not buying the odd piece of clothing.
I have been sleeping on the sofa these last two nights as I could not be near my DH.
Thanks for all the support and different perspectives

My wife put on a lot of weight very quickly. 3 or 4 stone in as many months due to meds

Did I still love her? Of course. That never changed. Did I find her physically attractive after the weight gain? No, not at all unfortunately. Could I help that? No. Do I have the body of a Greek God? Of course not. But then my own physique has no real bearing on what I find attractive in a sexual partner.

Sad to say, but for some it's just not possible to see one's partner in the same way after they've put on a significant amount of weight.

Anyway, good luck OP. Hope it works out.

There's no excuse for making you feel like shit. All that matters is how you feel about yourself.

Weight gain for most women is inevitable with having children. I'm sure he is just as slender and chiselled as when you first met? (sarcasm). If not, what's his excuse?

I couldn't be with someone who valued my weight over the person I am. My body has altered since having kids and recovering from mental health issues (was skinny when I had my breakdown because I barely ate). I am now a size 16 as compared to my previous size 12, but I am in a much happier place and my OH has always loved me regardless of my body or mental health. People who judge others on their size alone are superficial and shallow, the most important part of a person is what's on the inside, if there is no beauty within, what's the point of beauty on the outside?

How do you feel about your DH in general OP?

When a person loses physical attraction for you over some weight gain, you know that your body was all they were ever attracted to.