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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line?

150 replies

LittleOwl · 05/08/2017 08:40

I am so upset i can hardly think straight

Backstory- married 15 years plus, 2DC (10 and 5). Weight 72 kg, just squeezing into a 12. Working 4 long days.

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late". "Can you please get a personal trainer" - no (no way I am eating into my savings for a personal trainer). This escalated into an argument about how unloved I felt, after I asked outright that the reason our love live was so bad (think desert) was my weight, which was answered "affirmative"
To be fair he apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, and for hurting me, but confirmed about 4 times how important it was for him.

I asked him - are you embarrassed to be with me, to which the answer was "not yet".

Worst was when I said that I felt unloved and all he was worried about was my weight he responded "chicken and egg"

I am not really sure where to take this. ConfusedAm I overreacting?

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 05/08/2017 11:42

Finding-I can truthfully say that I would love my DP just as much if he put on weight or otherwise experienced something which changes his appearance. Making love/affection/affirmation contingent on outward appearances in the context of a longterm relationship is horrible.

JaneEyre70 · 05/08/2017 11:45

I've been anything between a size 16 and 24 since DH and I met 26 years ago. He loves me whatever size I am, and gets really mad that I don't like my body and has issues.

Anyone trying to make you feel bad about yourself doesn't love you OP. It's that black and white. What an arsehole.

SleepFreeZone · 05/08/2017 11:58

This would all depend on what he looked like. If he is incredibly attractive, fit and muscular I'd take it. If he is some unfit, lardy creature then he could fuck right off.

I would love my partner to be interested in fitness. I would also love him to want me to go to the gym and even better if he paid for me to do it. So I would readily accept the criticism if it allowed me the freedom to go and do some classes. I'm probably weird though.

Cockstrosity · 05/08/2017 12:04

The husband of someone I used to know once described her as being "spherical..."

The affair she and I enjoyed over the next three years came as a direct result of his comment

Thing is, you may not physically be the person he fell for however the same applies to him, not suggesting tit for tat however could he hold up a mirror to himself and love everything he sees?

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2017 12:08

Cock Hmm

runningyogabooze · 05/08/2017 13:14

I'm a size 12 and think I look pretty good! As does my DH.

He sounds awful OP, poor you.

IneedaMagnum · 05/08/2017 14:34

I know I am going against the grain here but I don't find my DH as attractive now he's put on weight. I've tried very hard to talk myself into finding him attractive, that it doesn't matter etc. But it does matter. It's biology, can't fight it. But more than that, it shows that he hasn't got the determination to complete a task I guess. He says all the time, I'm going to get fit. He's been saying it for years, nothing changes. I've been heavier but whenever I've said I'll get fit, I did it. Honestly if he just said he was happy the way he was, that's one thing. But he's not, and doesn't do something about it. It shows to me lack of drive, lack of respect for the partner, and lack of compatibility. It's shitty how your DH brought it up but honestly something like that was never going to go down well.

justilou1 · 05/08/2017 14:39

I would have said something along the lines of "While were on the subject of painful issues that cause strain on our intimate relationship, could you PLEASE get penile enlargement surgery?" And slammed the door on his fingers as I left!

KurriKurri · 05/08/2017 14:49

I would find someone who made such a remark extremely unattractive and not want to have sex with them. Weight can be changed if you want to do that (for yourself if you want it - not him) a shit personality that enjoys being vile is likely to be unalterable.

My X (note X) used to do this kind of trick ( a loud public announcement at a buffet to everyone 'you definitely shouldn't be going up for seconds Kurri' which let everyone know he thought I was fat.) I am so much happier and feel so much more attractive without him.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 14:52

@IneedaMagnum, sure, I get what you're saying, my DH made his comment about not being attracted to big women. I don't find men with massive beer bellies attractive either. If the OP had said she was a size 18 then I'd have understood more. But she's a size 12, which is not overweight usually. Of course it depends on how tall the OP is. But even so, he was not nice.

IneedaMagnum · 05/08/2017 14:54

I would also like to add that I have been hurtful to my DH. But only because I've been tactful and sensitive dozens of times before that. For years. To no avail. Maybe we're not getting the whole story... Perhaps rather than being hurtful I should have just left him, respectfully, or go to Relate, but honestly, in which way is that less hurtful (e.g. leaving him but respectfully not mentioning once why, even when he's begging me to tell me why I want to leave, or blurting it all out in front of a stranger)..?

IneedaMagnum · 05/08/2017 15:01

Mittens1969 I think mentioning weight, to someone who will be sensitive about it anyway, is never going down well, no matter how tactful you are about it.

I don't think she should LTB over that remark but have a think about whether she wants to lose weight for herself, and if so, do so, with his help, and see how the rest of their relationship is, before deciding whether she wants to go it alone.

People never leave over one insensitive comment alone, it's usually a whole host of things which have built up to the moment. And it's usually both people who have contributed. That remark on its own is not emotional abuse and would be an insult to those who have suffered real emotional abuse. To just call the DH things like cunt etc. is insane given they don't know him or the OP, or their relationship. It's all based on hearsay.

If the OP doesn't want to lose weight and the DH does not find her attractive anymore, that's not going to change, so yeah they'd better be off separating then.

Nancy91 · 05/08/2017 15:04

If the OP was now massive I could understand, but as a size 12 she can only be a tad chubby, so it can't be that much of a difference from her original weight surely?

He has no tact but maybe he thinks he is being helpful? Confused clutching at straws here.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 15:05

@IneedaMagnum, sorry to say it but you don't come across as a very nice person yourself, and actually rather superficial. Sometimes people don't feel able to do what they say they want to do because they're depressed. If you actually love someone, there's more to it than just biology surely?

You sound quite like OP's husband actually. I don't normally challenge posters, but you must know how you're coming across.

Yes, I do try to keep my weight down, but that's not because of DH's comment. They should do it for themselves and their own wellbeing.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 15:08

It's not all about physical attraction after all.

And the op does want to lose weight. She isn't even overweight by the sounds of things.

IneedaMagnum · 05/08/2017 15:18

Mittens1969 saying I don't come across as a nice person is your prerogative. But I know it's not true so I guess it doesn't matter. To claim people are superficial in their attraction to another, is denying chemistry and biology. I love my DH, but I don't find him attractive when he's heavier. If he lost a limb, that wouldn't make a difference to me. Him being older, same thing. Him lacking drive, yeah I find that unattractive. That's probably the main reason for me, rather than the extra layer of fat. Though it's hard to separate the two now, after years. People go off their partner for all sorts of reasons. If they are nasty, tight, uncharitable, fat, lack ambition, are lazy. It happens. To then point the finger and say someone is superficial and not very nice, is rather laughable and judgemental. Don't know the full story, don't judge. That's how live my life. The fact you judge me, makes you come across as not a very nice person yourself. See what I mean?

IneedaMagnum · 05/08/2017 15:21

Oh and I never said they shouldn't do it for themselves and their own well-being, if you read back I specifically mentioned that if my DH would just come out and say that he's happy, perhaps it wouldn't matter so much. The fact he doesn't like it himself but sticks his head in the sand. That is an issue and a valid source of marital problems. People with drive and people without, people who are lazy and people who aren't, usually don't make for great couples.

Spudlet · 05/08/2017 15:26

How much does he weigh? Cos I can think of a very quick way to lose a lot of dead weight...

He went out of his way to hurt you. He saw that he was hurting you and he carried on regardless. This has precisely nothing to do with weight and everything to do with his complete and utter disregard for your feelings.

You deserve better than him.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 15:28

Ok, fair enough, I was just a little shocked. It just seems a shame if you're only attracted to someone if they're physically to your liking. What happens if they get old?

It hit a raw nerve with me because I've had struggles with my weight all my life, because of low self-esteem, and if my DH was only attracted to physical appearance that would have been very hard to cope with.

I'm also trying to teach positive body image to my 2 girls.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 15:30

But I'm sorry for expressing it like I did. I do agree that it would be a frustrating thing if he moans about it and then does nothing. But don't rule out underlying depression, and low self esteem.

Hope it works out.

Dowser · 05/08/2017 15:34

Cherchez the size 8 femme waiting in the wings op.
I'd be on red alert, all spidey senses primed .
My exh started making personal remarks about me when he was wagging his two tails at meeting the ow

Maybe your dh handled it badly but size 12, 72k is not overweight , I could be happy at that.

Being in a sexual desert after only 15 years of marriage...hmmm what's going on there.

Watchee waitee . Give him enough rope and see what he gets up to.

hatsoncats · 05/08/2017 15:40

If he is not attracted to you because he feels you are overweight, he could have found a kinder, more tactful way to put it across & help you, NOT by squealing like a pig & making derogatory comments.

He is almost negging you, insulting you & destroying your self confidence so that you feel grateful to him for staying with you...grateful for bringing your "inadequacies" to your attention, so you can improve yourself.

Fuck that.

Any man capable of being so spiteful, so cruel to his partner does not deserve them.
In your shoes, I would quietly get my ducks in line, start stashing money away, and preparing my escape.
And I would also be exercising quietly and without fuss, getting stronger and healthier for the day I got free. Good luck.

quizqueen · 05/08/2017 15:40

If he finds you unattractive now what will he think when you are 70 and wrinkly or if you become disabled? Is he losing his hair, does he have perfect abs? You'd both better have a talk about whether you love each other enough to stay together for the long haul in life. If he had worries about your weight affecting your health that would be different but you sound slim to me.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/08/2017 15:41

Half the posters on here are no better!

'Gosh, it's not right he's saying those things when she's a size 12'...but it would be ok if she was an 18 or bigger. FFS the same applies no matter what size she is, you don't get to berate him because she's an acceptable size to you, yet agree with his attitude if she was bigger.

RhiWrites · 05/08/2017 15:44

OP, you weigh less than my goal weight and my partner tells me every day how much he fancies me.

I'm sorry your partner is such a knob.