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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line?

150 replies

LittleOwl · 05/08/2017 08:40

I am so upset i can hardly think straight

Backstory- married 15 years plus, 2DC (10 and 5). Weight 72 kg, just squeezing into a 12. Working 4 long days.

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late". "Can you please get a personal trainer" - no (no way I am eating into my savings for a personal trainer). This escalated into an argument about how unloved I felt, after I asked outright that the reason our love live was so bad (think desert) was my weight, which was answered "affirmative"
To be fair he apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, and for hurting me, but confirmed about 4 times how important it was for him.

I asked him - are you embarrassed to be with me, to which the answer was "not yet".

Worst was when I said that I felt unloved and all he was worried about was my weight he responded "chicken and egg"

I am not really sure where to take this. ConfusedAm I overreacting?

OP posts:
PantPlot · 05/08/2017 09:37

Does he actually talk like that?

greenberet · 05/08/2017 09:37

collaborate can you explain yourself?

OP I bet this isn't the only thing he complains about is it? Does he make remarks jokingly about other aspects of your relationship?

You are not overweight and even if you were he should love you regardless - if he was concerned about you from a health perspective this is a different matter but his communication style is shite!

He is suffering from a complete lack of self worth - but he is putting the blame on you- I bet you are feeling pleased with yourself for your progress and he feels threatened by this. The lack of sex is a form of control too - I am going to use the word narcisstic traits here - look it up I bet he has many!

You work 4 long days with 2 kids - what does he do?

You are obviously not happy - loosing the weight to please him will not work but well done to you for doing so. I fear you may be about to open up a can of worms and realise there are a lot more issues here than just your weight. Flowers

mummmy2017 · 05/08/2017 09:38

In the words of Sheldons mother, show him the cake but don't let him eat it.
Your not unattractive, please don't think that.
You do realize about 40 men start to droop in their abilities, and so he may be lacking in libido and your weight gives him an excuse to pretend it's you.
Sorry but it's a know fact if a man is shown he is wanted most are very willing, bet it's him not you....

EmmaJR1 · 05/08/2017 09:39

He certainly doesn't care about your feelings - you're a size 12 ffs that's less than 90% of women in the U.K. He needs to fuck off and you need to find someone who deserves you. What a tosser!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/08/2017 09:39

His way of going about it was comletely wrong, the things he said unforgiveable. BUT; it isnt "wrong" for a partner to become less attracted to their partner due to changes in weight. People xant help what they are physically attracted to, man or woman. If someone gains or loses weight to a noticeable point, you cant blame their partner for becoming less physically attracted to them. Of course you can love someone the same at a size 10 or 20 for who they are, but their body will look very different and most people WILL have a size preference.

Topseyt · 05/08/2017 09:39

72 it and a size 12 is a weight I dream of ever being again.

I have struggled with my weight for all of my adult life, partly due to long term medical issues. My DH is one who can very much live with his foot in his mouth, but he has never been remotely as cuntish as yours. I won't pretend weight has never caused any tensions, but he is a aware that it is an enormously sensitive issue for me, and he also knows that he isn't perfect either. He makes sure that I know he loves me whatever, and that has been extremely important.

InvisableLobstee · 05/08/2017 09:42

A month or two of healthy eating and an exercise DVD and you can sort this problem OP, but what's he going to do about his nasty attitude? THAT will take years of expensive therapy I should think.

Wdigin2this · 05/08/2017 09:43

Firstly, depending on your age, height, and the fact you're wearing a UK size 12, I doubt your actually fat. However, if you have put on a significant amount of weight lately, then for the sake of your health and well being, you should address it.
With regard to your DH being so nasty about it, it's a known fact that....women who put on a little weight live longer than men who mention it!

EmmaJR1 · 05/08/2017 09:44

To everyone saying that physical attractiveness is important- of course it is but the fact that he is a nasty piece of shit demonstrates that he is seeking to undermine OP confidence in herself. She has carried his children and shared her life with him for 15 years and he was nasty, disrespectful and mean! If he can be so turned off by a tummy he's a shallow twat. What about all the other things that make the OP the OP????

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 05/08/2017 09:45

So,he wants you to loose a little bit of weight(size 12 already!).Then what?Will he find you unattractive and f you dare to look older?

Topseyt · 05/08/2017 09:48

72 kg, silly autocorrect there!!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 09:49

That's crap OP. Flowers

Being 100% honest do you feel you've put on a lot of weight? If you have and want to lose it it has to be for you not him.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/08/2017 09:49

Also I take it his body is to die for?!

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 09:53

That really is unkind, as it's not as if you're actually overweight by the sounds of it! You exercise regularly and you're in much better shape than some of us on here.

One thing I will say, though, is that you asked the question. When DH and I got together I was size 10 and looked good. I'm a yo-yo dieter and warned him of this. I asked him, would he still fancy me if I was overweight? He said he wasn't attracted to big women. Oh dear, loaded question (not). But actually when later I did put on weight, he never said a thing. (I've lost weight again now! Smile)

You've been together for 15 years. By now slight fluctuations in weight should not be an issue. But if you ask that question to your partner, well he might be insensitive in his answer. It depends what he's normally like with you. Do you have a good relationship normally?

simon50 · 05/08/2017 09:57

He put his hand on your tummy and squealed in pain? That should have come after you kicked him in the balls ! !

What a twat !

Armadillostoes · 05/08/2017 10:01

OP-you can address your weight if you want to, but would that alter the fact that your partner is superficial and uncaring? If you love someone you love them. The chicken and egg comment says it all, you don't make someone feel loved as a reward because you like their body shape at a given moment in time. You make someone feel loved because you love them

grannytomine · 05/08/2017 10:03

He was horrible but I don't agree that a loving partner should never mention weight. What if you were a size 30 and struggling to breathe and he was worried that the woman he loves was going to die? Shouldn't he mention it then?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/08/2017 10:05

Aww LittleOwl, what a cruel and insensitive person you are married to.
I'm a very happy size 12, not stick thin, but not overweight.
Personally, I would sit back, and consider your marriage, is there something underlying.
Of course you could always tell him, that it's a shame his dick isn't as big as his mouth, but heyho !

ChickenBhuna · 05/08/2017 10:10

If he had concerns about your health related to your weight then he would be within his rights to bring it up in a kind and pleasant way. Squeezing your tummy and telling you to get a personal trainer (when you're a size 12) is an overreaction.

SabineUndine · 05/08/2017 10:11

he just wants a stick to beat her with

I think Margaret is right. For whatever reason, he wants to get at you. I'd ask him to move out. Today.

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/08/2017 10:12

Sorry I wouldn't stand for that.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 05/08/2017 10:13

He's a dick. My partner's put on weight and feels pretty bad about it (he's trying to lose it and exercises more, but I think just eats too much!). I would never dream of talking to him the way your dp spoke to you. Yes, we have talked about his weight but only when he's brought it up and I've been supportive and we've done healthy meal planning together etc. He'll always be absolutely gorgeous to me because I love who he is as a person. A bit of extra weight just doesn't matter (I'm a size 12 too and consider myself relatively slim! Good bmi, v healthy etc).

Topseyt · 05/08/2017 10:14

Granny, of course weight can be mentioned if it is a serious health factor. In as sensitive a way as possible though.

OP's weight clearly doesn't fall into that category, and her DH was simply being an insensitive twat.

kittybiscuits · 05/08/2017 10:14

Make him your ex. He is a pig.

Elendon · 05/08/2017 10:16

My ex once put his hands on my waist (like I was his property) and proclaimed proudly 'Wow! your getting your waist back!'

He crossed a line that day.