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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line?

150 replies

LittleOwl · 05/08/2017 08:40

I am so upset i can hardly think straight

Backstory- married 15 years plus, 2DC (10 and 5). Weight 72 kg, just squeezing into a 12. Working 4 long days.

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late". "Can you please get a personal trainer" - no (no way I am eating into my savings for a personal trainer). This escalated into an argument about how unloved I felt, after I asked outright that the reason our love live was so bad (think desert) was my weight, which was answered "affirmative"
To be fair he apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, and for hurting me, but confirmed about 4 times how important it was for him.

I asked him - are you embarrassed to be with me, to which the answer was "not yet".

Worst was when I said that I felt unloved and all he was worried about was my weight he responded "chicken and egg"

I am not really sure where to take this. ConfusedAm I overreacting?

OP posts:
brightlightceiling · 05/08/2017 10:17

Whats going to happen if you get a wrinkle? Or go grey? He should love you regardless.

My DH is morbidly obese. I stil love him. He has beautiful eyes. If you love soneone you look at their good points.

BalloonSlayer · 05/08/2017 10:17

He has an odd way of speaking. Reminds me of Mr Logic from Viz. Is he that sort of character by any chance?

Silverdream · 05/08/2017 10:19

He talked to you totally insensitivity and nastily.

To me there are other issues with your relationship if he feels he can speak like that and have no regard for your feels.

It's fine to mention kindly about bad habits , weight being one of them. But they need to be spoken about with respect and understanding.

You don't sound like you're an unhealthy weight and I feel his comments are a reflection of him. Not great !

Silverdream · 05/08/2017 10:19

Feels -feelings.

SonicBoomBoom · 05/08/2017 10:22

Maybe he doesn't find overweight people attractive. That's fair enough.

However, if this was the issue, and he wasn't a bastard, then when he brought it up and you replied that you were exercising and addressing it, his response should have been more along the lines of "what can I do to help". Not continuing to make you feel more and more shit.

MrsBobDylan · 05/08/2017 10:24

If my dh didn't fancy me because I was a size 12 I would want to know. Then I could leave him and allow my self to find a partner who was a decent human being.

Flowers
Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 10:26

Making hurtful comments about OP's weight is not the way to bring up concerns about your partner's weight at all. A lot of women comfort eat and this kind of comment would only make them put on more weight! And the OP clearly stays in shape!

Only you know what he's like in other ways. I wouldn't tolerate that comment, not because he was honest, a lot of men can be insensitive whilst meaning well, but because he was belittling and unkind. I don't know enough to say you should leave, and that's your call, but he definitely needs to be pulled up on this. His apology was nothing of the sort!

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 05/08/2017 10:29

If it wasn't your weight it would be someone else.

Your partner is someone who you should grow old with and all that entails. What is this idiot going to be like as you age? Or if you get sick?

He is treating you like an object not a person.

BabychamSocialist · 05/08/2017 10:33

I've fluctuated anywhere from a size 10 to a size 18 in the time I've been with DP. He's never mentioned it once, because he's smarter than that and loves me for who I am (and I love him for who he is). LTB OP, you deserve better. Flowers

Pengggwn · 05/08/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gizmo79 · 05/08/2017 10:36

Preparing to get flamed here, but....
He apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, perhaps he was that uncomfortable about it that he completely fluffed it, or thought he was being funny?
He gave a way of fixing it- getting a personal trainer. Would he pay towards it? If so, then great- I'd jump at that.
He was honest with you, he said the weight bothers him, that must have taken a lot of courage to be that blunt.

Yes, it hurts, but I believe some men do find the physical appearance of their partners to be important with regards to sex appeal.

I would have a sit down and chat with your DH and explain how hurt you are, but you would like his support to tone up/lose weight, not hurtful comments. Perhaps suggest doing it as a team, I'm sure there must be something that he needs to improve.

Girty999 · 05/08/2017 10:37

Cock womble!!!! X

hiphopcat · 05/08/2017 10:39

What a cunt.

I would tell him how much he has upset you OP.

And sorry but size 12 is not fat on ANY woman of any height.

Why do (some) men do this? It's disgusting, it really is.

PickAChew · 05/08/2017 10:40

So he wasn't sure how to bring up the subject of your weight, so did it in the most dramatic, demeaning way possible?

What nasty, rancid twatwaffle.

hiphopcat · 05/08/2017 10:40

I am not going to flame you @Gizmo79, I am going to laugh at what you said though! Hmm

hiphopcat · 05/08/2017 10:41

@PickAChew TWATWAFFLE????? Grin

That's a new one. That's my fave word for today hahahahahaaa!!! Grin

findingmyfeet12 · 05/08/2017 10:43

His method of bringing up the subject was horrible.

I don't mind getting flamed but I think weight plays a part in physical attraction. I'd prefer my dh to tell me (tactfully) if my weight was causing him to find me less attractive.

Having said that I'm finding it difficult to understand why he has a problem with you at size 12. I'd love to be able to maintain a size 12 figure.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2017 10:47

I kind of agree Gizmo.

It's a difficult topic though.

Craiconwithit · 05/08/2017 10:48

My ex said something similar.
It was only afterwards I realised he was trying to pin the blame for his affair on something I'd supposedly done wrong!

OP, just giving you a heads up to keep a close eye on him. A size 12 and 72kg is perfectly normal so I'd be suspicious of his motives for being deliberately unpleasant.
Angry

rightwhine · 05/08/2017 11:02

You are far more than your body. Ok perhaps a perfect body would make you more attractive but if there is no love left after the body aspect is taken away, there wasn't much there in the first place.

ChinkChink · 05/08/2017 11:08

The danger of saying to OP, '..but size 12 isn't fat...' is that there could appear to be an underlying message that if OP was a few sizes larger then husband might be justified.

Withdrawing sex is a passive aggressive way to go about things. He's shallow and crass. LTB.

kazza106 · 05/08/2017 11:10

Tell him you'll go to a personal trainer if he pays!

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/08/2017 11:19

Ugh - just get rid!

What a superficial twat...

jemimafuddleduck · 05/08/2017 11:25

Preparing to be flamed here too...

Yes, the way he said it was insensitive at best and twatish/mean at worst.

HOWEVER I know my DH wouldn't fancy me if I was a size 12. Love me yes, but fancy me no. And equally I would feel differently about him if he put on a couple of stones.

We are both very fit and healthy and he's made it clear from the start that he likes my body shape as is. As harsh as it sounds it motivates me to keep slim and in turn we are both happy!

findingmyfeet12 · 05/08/2017 11:27

I can't believe you're being advised to end the relationship!

Presumably physical appearance is totally irrelevant to all those people who are advising that

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