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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has crossed a line?

150 replies

LittleOwl · 05/08/2017 08:40

I am so upset i can hardly think straight

Backstory- married 15 years plus, 2DC (10 and 5). Weight 72 kg, just squeezing into a 12. Working 4 long days.

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late". "Can you please get a personal trainer" - no (no way I am eating into my savings for a personal trainer). This escalated into an argument about how unloved I felt, after I asked outright that the reason our love live was so bad (think desert) was my weight, which was answered "affirmative"
To be fair he apologised for not knowing how to bring it up, and for hurting me, but confirmed about 4 times how important it was for him.

I asked him - are you embarrassed to be with me, to which the answer was "not yet".

Worst was when I said that I felt unloved and all he was worried about was my weight he responded "chicken and egg"

I am not really sure where to take this. ConfusedAm I overreacting?

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 05/08/2017 08:52

Its odd because when women post her about not finding their husbands attractive because they have put on weight, they dint get this much shit.

Yup, he's a dick but what's with the hysterics?

EllaHen · 05/08/2017 08:54

Jesus Christ - that's awful.

I'm glad you have written it down. It can't be forgotten about while it eats away at you. You have a right to be angry.

RhubardGin · 05/08/2017 08:55

OP that's awful of him. I would be so upset and hurt if my OH treated me this way!

My weight has gone up and down over the years and my OH has never mentioned it or made me feel bad, in fact he's the only person that makes me feel like a supermodel when I feel like a sack of potatoes!

Your DH should be supporting you, not dragging you down.

I hope you tell him how much he has hurt you.

Pickleypickles · 05/08/2017 08:55

If his love is conditional then i think you need to ask whether thats a man who want to be married to.

MargaretCavendish · 05/08/2017 09:02

Its odd because when women post her about not finding their husbands attractive because they have put on weight, they dint get this much shit.

I think they would if their plan was to bring this up with their husband in a deliberately nasty way, choosing to belittle them. If he'd approached this with tact and sensitivity OP would still be upset but in a completely different way. I mean, this bit:

Yesterday when I got changed, DH put his hand over my tummy and squealed with pain. I responded I had taken up exercise again and he responded "i fear it it is too late".

is just horrible. She said she was trying and he still made sure to get his jibes in - this actually made me think that it's not about the weight at all, he just wants a stick to beat her with. Again, there's no easy way to tell your partner you think they've put on too much weight, but there's definitely particularly awful ways, and he chose (and kept going with, despite her clear upset) to make his partner feel as bad as he could.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 05/08/2017 09:03

That would have me going to a solicitor at my earliest convenience. I actually mean that. I couldn't look happily on spending any more of my life with someone that could speak to me in those terms, sorry.

OwlinaTree · 05/08/2017 09:04

This annoys me. I've had three children and it's definitely effected my body. I don't think it's even a fair comparison to say does he look the same? It's not an equal starting point if you've had children.

Friend of mine has very fluctuating weight. When she lost a lot at one point I asked if her dh was proud of her for sticking with it. She said he never comments on her weight, whatever it is, except to say she looks nice etc on nights out. That's how it should be.

EdmundCleverClogs · 05/08/2017 09:05

I recently had an injury that lead me to putting on 4 stone. When I first met my partner, I was an hourglass size 12, suddenly I was a sack of potatoes. My partner, whilst agreeing I'd put in weight as it was undeniable, only ever said I was 'gorgeous'. Our love life never suffered, and the weight is coming off since I feel supported not pressured.

However, at a size 12 I cannot even begin to see where an issue is, especially to warrant such cruel comments. I couldn't be with someone who only wanted me when I weighed what they think I should. What physical changes is he going to make for you to make him adequately attractive? Unless he looks like a Hemsworth brother, I highly doubt he has a damn right to judge anyone else's looks/physique. What an asshole.

Crumbs1 · 05/08/2017 09:06

My husband can only dream of me squeezing into a size 12. That's hardly morbidly obese.
More importantly is how you feel about yourself and whether you want to tone up a bit? If you do then suggest he babysits and pays for your personal trainer. Personally I can't think of anything worse!

If you want to be fitter and lose a bit ask him to buy you a dog that needs long walks. An affectionate Labrador maybe. They aren't so judgemental and you'll get more love and affection.
My children got quite unhappy when I dropped a couple of dress sizes - they much prefer the rounder me. My husband is quite happy to have certain areas of my body slightly larger too.
I think he was unkind and shallow. His behaviour was appalling. I'd make it very clear my respect for him had suffered a blow and that I found belittling and unkindness a real turn off and seriously unattractive.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 05/08/2017 09:08

What a cunt.
Sorry OP, but no way would I put up with this kind of shitty treatment. You deserve better x

MumBod · 05/08/2017 09:11

"Affirmative"

What. A. Dick. I'd chuck him for that, to be honest.

He sounds like a proper arsehole, and you could probably do to lose 13 stone or so of excess weight - e.g. him.

PoorYorick · 05/08/2017 09:12

Has he always been such a shit?

inkydinky · 05/08/2017 09:12

I find the comments about needing to find people physically attractive very interesting. I would think that if you only like somone thin, then you don't find them attractive enough anyway. Or perhaps I see attraction differently. For me it is mostly about chemistry and a few pounds on or off doesn't change that.

My ex H said something similar to me early on in our marriage and I should have listenend and got the hell out. The knowledge that someone only finds you attractive with conditions is a sex life killer in my experience (not to mention selfesteem). I don't think I realised it at the time, but hindsght, and a new partner with whom I have amazing chemistry, and who quite clearly fancies the arse off me, has taught me different.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't find me attractive ever again.

Feeling desired, and loved, is very important OP, try not to accept less.

ItsNachoCheese · 05/08/2017 09:13

Have my first ever ltb what an absolute bastard he is

Pengggwn · 05/08/2017 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olympiathequeen · 05/08/2017 09:16

If your husband truly loved you and who you were your appearance would be irrelevant to him. He seems stuck in the superficiality of outward appearance. If you were unhappy about your weight and wanted to get fitter he would support you, not offer criticism. He's a shit

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2017 09:24

Its odd because when women post her about not finding their husbands attractive because they have put on weight, they dint get this much shit

Have you ever seen one post (and not get shit) when they are talking about a perfectly healthy normal weight?

The posts I've seen about husbands gaining weight where the op has not got a flaming are ones where we are talking going from healthy weight to often morbidly obease. On what planet is a size 12 woman anything like that!

Collaborate · 05/08/2017 09:25

He shouldn't have any view on your weight OP. If you're happy, he should accept that.

Only on MN does anyone come up with this crap. Some of you must have shite marriages.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 09:28

If his love is conditional then i think you need to ask whether thats a man who want to be married to.

Slight derail, but love between husband and wife is always conditional. Unconditional love doesnt exist in that context. There is tons of stuff people can do that will stop their spouse being in love with them.

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2017 09:28

He cares more about your body than your feelings. He doesn't love you. I suppose he looks like Brad Pitt does he?

MrsOverTheRoad · 05/08/2017 09:29

If you're "only just squeezing into a 12" and he's grabbing your stomach, it would seem that he's only interested in women with washboard abs...which to be fair, most women who have two kids don't have!

Have you always been a fitness freak but recently not so much?

I must say...he does sound like a dick with his chicken and egg and affirmative!

Even if you WERE washboard fit...you're not now..but you're still you!

My DH is very fit but a while ago he lost his muscle tone as he had an accident...I still fancied him!

Your DH sounds shallow as hell.

AlternativeTentacle · 05/08/2017 09:34

A 12? Affirmative? Who is he Alan fucking Partridge?

You have carried two children with that tummy, it is part of you and if a size 12 is too big for him, perhaps you need to ditch 12 stone of useless gristle by getting rid of him. Wanker.

GodIsDead · 05/08/2017 09:34

You are definitely not overreacting. Your CH (cunt husband) is an absolute wanker. Is he stupid enough to think that after two kids you're going to have the same stomach as before? Appalling behaviour!

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 05/08/2017 09:35

Wait... He has totally gone the wrong way about bringing this up but I would want to know if my partner no longer found me attractive because of my weight? Depends how you feel about him in other ways, i certainly wouldn't want to divorce over it.

GodIsDead · 05/08/2017 09:36

Oh and he must be "gods gift to women " I assume? An Adonis for our viewing pleasure? Bastard.