To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

[EddysWildHair]

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

Cherry that didn't happen to the ok though.How is sayi g hello at the school gates and aski g for a play date the same as what you went through.

It isn't, so why are people saying stalking and harressement.Its not.

That's true dustarr, I don't think the OP WBU to say she didn't wanna be her friend but she WBVU to speak to her the way she did. I'm a bit at "Im just not a people person" being used as an excuse for rudeness

7l

Reading your posts OP, I'm surprised she wants to know you at all.

I cannot believe anyone would be as rude and aggressive as you claim to have been. Seriously?! Also, you have no idea what being stalked is or feels like. A woman trying to make conversation when you happen to be in the same location is not it. Get a fucking grip.

And I'm not a people person either. Not being a people person is not license to be a cunt. HTH.

It's not stalking, no way! I was expecting to hear about tons of annoying texts inviting the OP to things. I've had that. I once had a friend who did that, leaving loads of phone messages for me when I was out with my then fiancé (now DH). That was years ago, but I remember how annoying it was.

This other mum does sound socially awkward and very probably annoying. But it's never ok to talk like that, though complaining to the organisers was out of order too.

..to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally

But it was personal OP. You clearly had an issue with this particular mum, so why say it wasn't personal? If you said that to me, I'd think you were telling me you had nonissue with me personally, and that whatever kind of mood u were in was something to do with you and your difficulty socialising. If you had Ann issue with this lady - which you clearly did, out is sending mixed messages to telll her not to take it personally.

You can't say she wasn't getting th message to stay away, when you hadn't asked her to, and hadn't explained you didn't want her to talk to you.

(to be honest though OP, most of us have days when we r not feeling sociable at the school gates, but we make an effort for our kids, and so other people don't feel hurt by us. You seem to care more about your self and maintaining your own isolation, than considering your dc and those around you :( - although I doubt this is really what you r about and u r probably a decent person rain who cocked up.)

People will speak about dc at the school gate it's the only thing that they have in common, I was never interested myself but then you come across people that you do have things in common with such as martial arts once you get to know them. I practiced martial arts when young but you would never have found out.

I don't especially think your an introvert because you do actually mix with others due to your hobby. People that really are introverts would struggle with that. I just think you consider the school gate beneath you. I also think you have some deep seated issues with communication. Because you gave mixed signals and didn't articulate that you wanted to be left alone followed by a sudden aggressive outburst.

That's bad for a practitioner of martial arts. My instructor would always say we had been trained to fight and do damage and that we should actually not lose control ever as it was totally unacceptable . I'm not saying you were going to physically attack her but it's not good is it.

But it was personal OP. You clearly had an issue with this particular mum, so why say it wasn't personal?

Hasn't the whole thread told her off for being rude and not being polite enough? Telling lies is the polite bit. Of course she had a problem with her personally, she wouldn't leave her alone!

So she's wrong for being polite. she's wrong for being blunt she's wrong for being rude....what is the poor woman meant to have done then?

OP, any update as to whether you'll be at the playgroup today? I appreciate you've said you won't be apologising but I would be interested to know if the other lady is there or maybe she'll decide not to go today.

Peanut butter, I think you have misunderstood what an introvert is.
I think you're thinking of a hermit or someone with extreme social anxiety.
I'm an introvert but I still like people and socialise - it just wears me out and drains my energy and I prefer not to be at large gatherings or the centre of attention.

*Alexkate2468
*
I second that. Saying that you wouldn't be able to have a hobby is more extreme than being introverted and definitely more of a hermit

Never, because I would tell someone to fuck off! Do you know Anyone that thinks it's ok? In any setting?

No, I don't either. And I've seen all walks of society.

As for stalking I very much doubt that, the op has stated quite clearly why she didn't like this woman, because she's "prisoner cell block h" which is quite a common phrase and means as said before, seems rough as.. So there is a whole snobbish twist in this that she tried to deny fast. Which is ironic considering how she behaved would be considered a bit prisoner cell block h by most people.

Good grief, bit harsh! It's actually got me hoping that anytime I have asked someone if they fancy a coffee or a play date that they haven't been wishing I would just fuck off. If someone said this to me it would absolutely destroy me. I don't think the woman was 'stalking' you by any means, just trying to be friends by the sound of it. Ten minutes of chat here and there at the school gates isn't stalked behaviour. Neither is trying to chat o a friendly face at a toddler group. Fair enough if you don't want to be friends but I think you were V.V.U in my opinion.

You're an introvert, OP. Socialising can be exhausting.

But, you're also a massive bell-end for the way you behaved. No matter what you say, your son will suffer socially if you ostracise yourself from everyone with your behaviour.

Sometimes you've got to suck it up, buttercup (and then go home and curl up into a ball to recharge your batteries).

Just tell her you had pmt

I'm very assertive but sociable too. I can still understand how annoyed you must have felt though. Fuck off is a bit much but thankfully you're going to apologise.

It's actually got me hoping that anytime I have asked someone if they fancy a coffee or a play date that they haven't been wishing I would just fuck off

Did you ask them multiple times, including 5 minutes after they specifically asked to be left alone? If not, you're fine.

Agree with abigcupoffuckyou that saying it's not you is a polite way of getting out of speaking to someone you don't wa t to speak to.

The other woman really was pushing it, not stalking at all, but pushing it. I think OP should have addressed it earlier with a polite back off at school gate, rather than at the group.

Just finished the full thread, why's no one really questioning whether this woman was all that forceful with her conversation in reality? Op sounds like a snob and a flake so a 'hello' from the poor woman has probably been misconstrued as 'let's be besties' I mean that's what the lower masses really mean by hello isn't it?

Op I'm all for standing up for yourself and I like my own company too but I do make an effort at the school gates, I didn't have a very happy time at school myself so feel anxious about it. Telling another mum to fuck off is beyond rude and you're just asking for your son to not be invited to parties etc

Oh and the fact you were going to pedal an apology that you don't mean alongside handing her a flyer for your martial arts thing shows you have zero concept of normal human behaviour

Telling someone to fuck off at baby group is not on, as irritated as the op was, she crossed a line and is going to apologise. I don't know why there's several pages of handwringing about it tbh. I might mosey on over to mumsnet madness

Her last post says that after stewing on it all day; she's decided not to apologise after all; other woman deserved all she got, Lois

The other woman did deserve all she got. The key point that so many of you whinyarses are missing is that the OP politely told the woman to leave her alone and walked away, at which point the woman followed her round the room and began to pester her again. NOTHING OP did was working.
The people who are rude and socially inadequate are the ones who keep on and on asking for a meet up or trying to initiate a conversation. People who do have social skills know that three is the maximum number of times you extend any kind of invitation - three rebuffs in a row and you accept that the other person does not want your company/attention/friendship and you LEAVE THEM ALONE.

This post has brought back all my feelings when I was bullied at school and spoken of as 'weird', and never picked for teams etc. It's never been like that since I've been an adult, but I'm not in the 'inner circle' at the school gate either. So I find myself feeling for the other woman in this post. It's not nice to be made to feel that you have some kind of social illness.

I don't try so hard, though! I just talk to the few mums I've got to know well, and don't stay around to try. I certainly wouldn't chase after someone who was so belittling.

OP's update did make her sound awful. She should apologise for upsetting the other mum, it's basically bullying, and very unkind about her DS.

My DD1 struggles with social cues, due to having Attachment Disorder as a result of being adopted. I have tried hard to arrange play dates with very limited success. She doesn't get invited, unless it's a joint invitation with DD2, who is little Miss Popular and got invited to so many parties and play dates.

One mum behaved similarly to OP, though I backed off rather than kept pushing. I was trying to arrange a play date between DD2 and her DD1, who are really close friends and would love to play at each other's houses. But she just refuses to respond at all. The one clue I have is that she apparently told her DD that I'm fat. This girl quoted her mum to my DD2 who told me! I wasn't particularly upset because it's not like I care about being friends with her at all, it's just that our DDs are! She's a lot younger than me, I'm in my 40s and her mum is about my age. So we wouldn't have much in common. Besides, I was overweight then though I'm not now.

She even avoided bringing her DD to DD2's party! She texted me to say she got the date wrong, but she never did that with any other parties so I didn't really believe her. And it wasn't as if she'd bought a present!

Oh well, her DD is actually quite rude to DD2 in the playground and they do fall out. And DD2 has no difficulty with friendships so it's not something I really worry about. I just think this mum is similar to op. (She hasn't likened me to Prisoner Cell Block H, as far as I know, and I did actually watch that lol.)

flogging ah didn't see that. Thanks.