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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against dh's and mil's wishes on this holiday from hell?

252 replies

edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 10:45

We are currently in a lovely part of the country that we would not have been able to visit were it not for mil’s generosity. However, I am feeling less than grateful and would dearly love to pack up and go home. Dh works freelance and a couple of contracts have fallen through recently, which has been very bad timing as I am now on maternity leave. He is confident of picking up more work over the next few months, as the run up to Christmas is usually his busiest time and I will be back at work within 6 weeks, so things are tight but not desperate.

Mil insisted on treating us to this holiday, along with other members of the extended family. We were content to go without a holiday this year, but dh hates saying no to her so here we are. We have no accommodation costs, but the petrol costs are very high (don’t even want to add it all up) and with the bad weather we having to spend more than would otherwise have been the case. This is all fine and I know we are hardly in a place to complain.

My problem is mil and her controlling ways. Everyone (8 of us on total) has to eat together for all meals, and dh the dc and I can’t go out without her as she wants dh to do all her driving as we are down a windy road – she has her own car but won’t drive it here, so we are stuck with her at all times.

What has really pissed me off is that there is an attraction here that ds1 really wants to go to – it’s and EH place and he knew it was here before we came away and really wants to go. According to Mil it is far too expensive, ridiculous and a rip off. We drove to it yesterday, I had to bf in the car, and before I had got out, dh, mil and ds were walking back to the car having decided we weren’t going in. I was furious – we could afford it, but apparently the decision has been made and it would be rude to spend the money in front of mil when she has treated us due to our financial problems. Bollocks. She insisted, we hadn’t asked or hinted or anything. It has cost us to get here and now we are here we might as well spend a bit more and let ds1 go to the place he wants to go to. Who drives up to a place and refuses to pay to go in with a child who wants to go in? We had a fucking picnic in the carpark ffs.

To make it worse, tonight we are booked to go to a restaurant (well-known chef), which, to my mind, is far more of an extortionate rip-off than the place ds wanted to go to. It’s mil’s treat apparently, but I fucking hate seafood and it’s no treat for the dc here.

Wib to get chips for the dc and me and take him to the attraction tomorrow despite what dh/mil say?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2017 10:47

You would be unreasonable if you didn't!

LouBlue1507 · 03/08/2017 10:49

Take your DC yourself! You don't need DH or MIL's permission!
'I'm taking DC to xxx today, do you want to come?' That's the polite way.
'I'm taking DC to xxx today and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourselves!' That's my prefered option.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/08/2017 10:50

Yes,take your boy to the attraction and ignore the tuts and scowls you're bound to get from MiL and Dh.

Whatsername17 · 03/08/2017 10:52

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Yanbu. Who actually does that to a child?!

cricketballs · 03/08/2017 10:54

All of you sitting down to eat is normal - it's called socialising.
You are moaning about fuel costs but apparently can afford EH entrance fees? We have taken DC to similar places and when we saw the cost came away - it's good for DC to understand that somethings are too expensive.
The meal thing is just rude on your part; I'm very picky when it comes to food but if I was being treated to an expensive restaurant then I would suck it up.

Op - you sound harder work than your MIL

NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 10:57

Sorry for being dense - what's an EH place?

thatdearoctopus · 03/08/2017 10:57

Sorry but what's EH?

DancingLedge · 03/08/2017 10:58

No helpful advice, but the situations you describe are uncannily like holidaying with exPIL. Used to feel like screaming, have I become invisible? Because I was somehow not allowed a voice in any decisions.

Logically, there has to be a solution possible, by telling them all how you feel. The reality , it seemed to me, is if then DH automatically defers to Mil decisions, you are excluded.So it's not just a Mil laying down the rules issue, it's a how DH includes you issue.
My resolution- well, when I left DH, one of the upsides was I never had to go holiday with PIL again.

Sorry, this is of very little help.
But I feel your pain.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2017 10:59

3 meals a day in forced togetherness is not "socialising". It's ridiculous. Gifts worth strings attached aren't gifts. They're opportunities to exert control.

OP, take DS and have a lovely outing. If DH wants to live his life under his mother's thumb that's on him, but he doesn't get to dictate to you and your DC that you miss out because of it.

GO! Put your own family first.

organixeveryday · 03/08/2017 10:59

English Heritage I think

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2017 10:59

English Heritage?

LouHotel · 03/08/2017 10:59

Does google not work? How can you not know the cost of entrance to a well known attraction. With that in mind YANBU to be annoyed that you drove there and didnt go in. Your poor DS to have to sit in the car park out front. I would take him tomorrow.

I am confused on what you can and cant afford.

pasturesgreen · 03/08/2017 11:00

Please do it, OP!!

MIL and DH can tut and scowl to their heart's content.

EH is English Heritage I imagine.

Soubriquet · 03/08/2017 11:00

Yes what's an EH place?

I would do it though

It's the kids holiday too not just your MIL

Changerofname987654321 · 03/08/2017 11:00

I agree with cricketballs except for the taking a child to something and then coming away.

I am sure there will be a veggie option at the seafood place which you can have.

It sounds like you and DH have a communication problem.

Crispbutty · 03/08/2017 11:02

You must be in Cornwall. The weather is certainly miserable this week.

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2017 11:03

How much is the entrance fee? Can you drive and take the kids there yourself?

PinkHeart5911 · 03/08/2017 11:04

I think it was really mean to talk the child to the attraction and then not take them in, but make them eat a picnic in the car park Shock No bloody way would I of had that

Seriously woman find your back bone and take your ds out!

Presumably you have thanked mil for the holiday so I don't see why you need to stick to her like glue because she paid

RatherBeRiding · 03/08/2017 11:04

Absolutely not unreasonable to go. Just take him - the others can moan if they like but just because MIL has treated you to this holiday doesn't mean she can dictate every waking moment.

I wouldn't even get into a discussion about - just present it as - "we're doing this tomorrow. Join us if you like but we're going anyway."

Soubriquet · 03/08/2017 11:04

If it is Cornwall is the place the Eden centre?

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2017 11:04

To be fair if I was on a short break with family or friends I'd expect to eat meals together. This would be the norm for us.

As for the money thing I don't quite get it, you complain about petrol money and want to spend on this attraction. I'd speak to my husband and we would agree together if we were going and take the kids together.

MyheartbelongstoG · 03/08/2017 11:05

Could you get someone to mind baby while you take your son. Won't be as expensive if it's just the 2 of you...........

Original poster
edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 11:06

Yes, it's English Heritage.

I think the restaurant thing is probably a distraction really. I do hate seafood but would have been happy to go there and would have eaten something, but I just don't feel like it now. And I don't get why £35 for us to visit the castle is ridiculous, but probably four times that (at least) in a restaurant is fine because it's a famous chef - who won't be there anyway!

If just ds and I do the castle it will be about £20 I think. We have spending money but just need to be careful and couldn't have afforded a whole holiday - well, we could, but it would have eaten right into our savings so neither of us wanted to.

LouBlue I wish I had the guts to say your second option!

OP posts:
wizzler · 03/08/2017 11:06

What does DS think..? I suppose it depends on how old he is... but he may have been part of the decision making process which agreed that the entry fees were not value for money and not to go in?

NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 11:07

Funnily enough, I thought of English Heritage for EH and then thought it must be a theme park or something for the MIL to have deemed it a "rip off".

Definitely YANBU in that case. Dire financial circumstances aside, why would you discourage a child from something like that, which is educational? As an aside, OP, I'd look at getting a membership if your son likes that sort of thing as it works out really cheaply if you go to a few over the course of the year (I think you can get Membership with Tesco club card vouchers as well). Definitely take him!