To go against dh's and mil's wishes on this holiday from hell?

[edgedandtaken]

We are currently in a lovely part of the country that we would not have been able to visit were it not for mil’s generosity. However, I am feeling less than grateful and would dearly love to pack up and go home. Dh works freelance and a couple of contracts have fallen through recently, which has been very bad timing as I am now on maternity leave. He is confident of picking up more work over the next few months, as the run up to Christmas is usually his busiest time and I will be back at work within 6 weeks, so things are tight but not desperate.

Mil insisted on treating us to this holiday, along with other members of the extended family. We were content to go without a holiday this year, but dh hates saying no to her so here we are. We have no accommodation costs, but the petrol costs are very high (don’t even want to add it all up) and with the bad weather we having to spend more than would otherwise have been the case. This is all fine and I know we are hardly in a place to complain.

My problem is mil and her controlling ways. Everyone (8 of us on total) has to eat together for all meals, and dh the dc and I can’t go out without her as she wants dh to do all her driving as we are down a windy road – she has her own car but won’t drive it here, so we are stuck with her at all times.

What has really pissed me off is that there is an attraction here that ds1 really wants to go to – it’s and EH place and he knew it was here before we came away and really wants to go. According to Mil it is far too expensive, ridiculous and a rip off. We drove to it yesterday, I had to bf in the car, and before I had got out, dh, mil and ds were walking back to the car having decided we weren’t going in. I was furious – we could afford it, but apparently the decision has been made and it would be rude to spend the money in front of mil when she has treated us due to our financial problems. Bollocks. She insisted, we hadn’t asked or hinted or anything. It has cost us to get here and now we are here we might as well spend a bit more and let ds1 go to the place he wants to go to. Who drives up to a place and refuses to pay to go in with a child who wants to go in? We had a fucking picnic in the carpark ffs.

To make it worse, tonight we are booked to go to a restaurant (well-known chef), which, to my mind, is far more of an extortionate rip-off than the place ds wanted to go to. It’s mil’s treat apparently, but I fucking hate seafood and it’s no treat for the dc here.

Wib to get chips for the dc and me and take him to the attraction tomorrow despite what dh/mil say?

Cultural/educational activities are much more important than expensive food.

If DS wants to visit a castle of course you must take him.

If you like you could tell MIL you personally would forgo your meal at this restaurant to cover the cost of the castle visit. Then you get to piss MIL off on two fronts.

Btw a PP put it very well by saying 'gifts with strings attached aren't gifts. They're opportunities to exert control.' My DF is inclined to the same kind of controlling behaviour as your MIL. If you dare complain about it he brands you 'so ungrateful'. We've stopped going on holiday with them for this very reason but an example of his behaviour that springs to mind - when DH and I got engaged, he offered us £1000 towards the cost of the wedding PROVIDED we got married at the venue he wanted us to choose. When we said politely, no, thank you, we'd like to choose the venue ourselves, he launched into a rant about how ungrateful I was.

Whenever this kind of issue comes up on Mumsnet (it seems to be pretty common) you always get some abuse from posters like cricketballs calling the OP 'ungrateful' and 'hard work'. I reckon these people are just mini versions of my DF and your MIL!

Your DH is also being a wimp in the face of his mother.

Practice putting you pov and sticking up for your DS: it doesn't have to be confrontational.
'Oh, well, on this occasion, this is what we would like to do'
'I understand your point of view, and it would be mad for you to pay to go, but as it is educational, and the main thing he wants to do we'll take DS on our own as his treat'
'It does seem expensive for all of us , yes, but that's OK, we can take him on our own, and you can xyz with abc. Can we being anything back for you from that bakery / deli we passed on the way?'
'can't please all of the people, all of the time, MIL, but just for one morning we've decided to please DS. Sure you don't want to come?'

'DS is really quite disappointed not to have got a closer look - why don't you have a lie on and savour the after-glow of restaurant, we'll get up early and take DS, and see you to XYZ after lunch'

So while you're carting mil around, what are the other three people in the group doing? Can't they take mil for the day? Perhaps you have her because the others refused.

Are you in Cornwall OP?

The crap weather has been very localised; we've had some lovely sunny days this last week in my part of Cornwall.

If it is Cornwall, which Castle is it?

Your poor DS, good on you to be upset for him. Totally with you, how frustrating to have to spend money on a meal you don't care much about and then deprive your son of doing something that would make him happy.

It sounds like your MIL is holding the 'free' accommodation as random. If I were you, I would be very polite, but say that you have decided not to join them at this meal, and instead treat DS. It won't go down well, but oh well, at least your DS will have a nice memory of the trip and you'll all know in the future to avoid this kind of arrangement. Of course, you need your OH behind you on this though.

TestTube Absolutely. Can't argue with that.

Your poor DS. That's extremely cruel to actually drive there and then decide he cant go because its too expensive yet want to pay for an extortionate meal!!! I bet you were furious. Seems like if its expensive and something she wants to do then its ok but if its something she's not keen on then everyone has to miss out.

Take him to the castle, its his holiday as much as everyone else's and also use this as a life lesson to never let her pay for your holiday again so she can control you all.

why couldn't you and DS and baby gone to the attraction and DH and his delightful mum gone elsewhere and come back for you. She would have had her DS all to herself.

Also, you said there were 8 of you. Who are the others, and more to the point where are the others?

I understand your point of view, and it would be mad for you to pay to go, but as it is educational, and the main thing he wants to do we'll take DS on our own as his treat'

This. Absolutely. If you won't get the chance to cone back here again, or for a while, please take him. I'm sure he'll remember it. (Plus - if you do think membership is worth it, you can join and go in on the day.)

It's not really a holiday if you aren't allowed to do the things you enjoy.
I too would consider an expensive meal out, at a restaurant which didn't serve the food I liked a complete waste of money. I'd far rather make my own food and use my money for memorable experiences - I can eat anywhere any time - it's not exciting.
It's your DS's holiday too - and a castle sounds like a lovely day out, I just announce that you are taking him and that is that - your MIL doesn't get to say how you spend your money. And asking him to look at the outside and then leaving is utterly bizarre - who the hell does that.

I think if you take children on holiday you need to do some stuff that they enjoy, your son will hear the adults say ' we can;t got here it's too expensive' and then wonder why everyone can pay to go to a fish restaurant which he will probably find very dull. 'Let's all go to a seafood restaurant' is hardly 'let's go on a bear hunt' where children are concerned.

I'd have gone straight in! MIL and DH could be just stood outside for all I cared! That's just cruel

What did DH say later? Seems his just accepted the situation and rolled over

Get up early and just take them in the car - switch your phone off -

Same with the chips - just take them out and let the others enjoy their meals while you have chips on the beach - or Cornish pasties!!! Yum

Re EH membership
You will probably be asked about joining anyway and offered an enticement to sign up on the spot...

You can also sign up for monthly direct debit. If you have attractions local to you it's definitely worth it - especially if you have a big family

We sometimes just take a picnic and enjoy the grounds of a place local to us (we have done the actual attraction a lot too ) there is a good playground too

I wouldn't miss out on Rick Stein either though (even if there are other places) be confident and assertive - then you don't come over as sulky

Lonivera

Bit sweeping there we went on a few inlaw hols and all was fab while we took all our kids, partners and grandkids away recently.

The key is all to choose what they want to do be that as a group of couples. We fielded the grand kids for a day and did a night shift too so think that helped

Enjoy the attraction op and think long and hard about going on holiday again with her.

YANBU Op. But you do need to stand up for yourself, and poor DS!

XMIL was the same, we also did a family holiday, paid for at her insistence. One.

I think holidays are like weddings in that respect. If someone is a pain in the arse in general, then they'll use their money as an excuse to take total control, and influence all the decisions being made by themselves for everyone else.

Just look at the amount of weddings where the B&G ends up with half the bride's Parents' friends and people they hardly know there, because with someone domineering, it becomes a "My money, my rules" situation.

My family holiday which MIL paid for went like this OP.
It turned out she didn't like driving on motorways, so DH was to be the presumed driver, this was said only when paid for.

We all had to go back to the villa every afternoon so she could have a rest, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to go to a fucking TeaRoom with toddler DS 3 days in a row.
DH and I had no time together, not even one evening, because "I don't want to be stuck in babysitting on my own holiday" (even though she was asleep by 10pm every night).
DH & I wanted to take DS to a giant waterpark. MIL didn't want to go. Said we would go off and do that, she sulked that she'd be "Stuck in the villa all day" if we took the car.
I insisted DH had to tell her that was what we were doing. I came home needing a holiday to get over that one, and even 15 years later I've never holidayed with family!

Take DS to the EH place, eat chips, enjoy yourselves. YADNBU to enjoy your holiday.

She's treating you because of financial difficulties, but here you are moaning about petty stuff. You should feel grateful she wanted to help you have a holiday at all - many mils and mums wouldn't have. Just kick back, chill out, and enjoy what's left of your holiday.

Fuck me, just GO to the castle and don't put up with anyone saying you are doing otherwise. You take DS and they can all do what they like. No way would I have sat in the car park and had a picnic and had it dictated to me that we were not doing this and that. Whilst it is very kind that MIL has treated you to this holiday you are not obliged to become her personal driver for the week or to follow her strict meal plan. Put your foor down OP -you can do it in a polite but firm way. Say "DS and I are doing this tomorrow if anyone would like to join us you are welcome'. If you get negative replies, smile and say 'that's fine, we will meet up with you later' and then change the subject. If you get the 'it's a waste of money' say that you don't think so and that you are going. That's it. Just smile and keep it short and say no. Good luck@

YANBU - Declare tomorrow a "Mother and Son bonding" day. You go out with your son and MIL goes out with hers. Then bring DS to the castle.

This is the reason I'll never accept my DM paying for a holiday for me ever again. If I cant pay my way in full, I'll just not go. While it was generous and kindly meant, I literally had no voice on holiday that counted. I ate where I was told to eat, slept and woke up when I was told to and they would even get up from the table when I still hadn't finished my meal or drink - just because it was when they wanted to leave. (and no, it wasn't late nor was I being a pisshead - it was the single drink I'd have per night) We went to the attractions she wanted to go, the shops she wanted to see. Absolutely nothing else. Plus I got reminded several times a day that she was treating me to this holiday and I'd profusely thank her as well as mentioning it to nearly every waiter so they could praise her generosity even more. It got tiring to be honest.

You are spending a small amount of money that you can afford on something that your DS would love. Weather whatever storm from your DH and MIL.

I never understand this. If DH and I are lucky enough that our DC wanted to spend any of their precious annual leave with us when they are older, I would fall over backwards to make sure they enjoyed it.

Luckily we don't have parents who would ever want to go on holiday with us.

Please take your son. I took DS 4 for a day out just us a couple of weeks ago and it was lovely. Such great memories of spending the day with him just us (although I know you have a baby). I feel really sad for him it was cancelled at the last minute.

I feel really sorry for your DS that he was actually taken to the place, got out of the car and saw the place and was then told no. That's worse than just flat out saying no in the first place. I'd take him yourself, fuck what anyone else says.

I think it was really mean to talk the child to the attraction and then not take them in, but make them eat a picnic in the car park

This - it would have been better not to take him at all. What a controlling bitch! This is not her money you're spending - it's your own and it has nothing to do with her what you spend it on!

And I agree that 3 meals a day together is more than socialising - it's prison conditions. Evening meal - fair enough. Breakfast as and when people get up - lunch wherever you happen to be when you get hungry.

Which other family members are there? How do they feel about Obergruppenfuhrer MIL dictating their every move?

YANBU. Take your boy to the castle. He's your child, you're spending your money, and it's your time to do with as you please. If MIL doesn't like it, then that's her problem (and maybe you won't be invited to go on her holiday again next time... it's a win-win!).

As for the restaurant, I think you have to go. To not go might make you look bad, petty and ungrateful. Suck it up, try to enjoy it and say thank you. See it as a small compromise.

I am sorry but I cannot offer advice but the well known seafood restaurant (a famous chef) must be as cannot think of no other Mr Stein! Please go and enjoy - its a fabulous restaurant.