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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against dh's and mil's wishes on this holiday from hell?

252 replies

edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 10:45

We are currently in a lovely part of the country that we would not have been able to visit were it not for mil’s generosity. However, I am feeling less than grateful and would dearly love to pack up and go home. Dh works freelance and a couple of contracts have fallen through recently, which has been very bad timing as I am now on maternity leave. He is confident of picking up more work over the next few months, as the run up to Christmas is usually his busiest time and I will be back at work within 6 weeks, so things are tight but not desperate.

Mil insisted on treating us to this holiday, along with other members of the extended family. We were content to go without a holiday this year, but dh hates saying no to her so here we are. We have no accommodation costs, but the petrol costs are very high (don’t even want to add it all up) and with the bad weather we having to spend more than would otherwise have been the case. This is all fine and I know we are hardly in a place to complain.

My problem is mil and her controlling ways. Everyone (8 of us on total) has to eat together for all meals, and dh the dc and I can’t go out without her as she wants dh to do all her driving as we are down a windy road – she has her own car but won’t drive it here, so we are stuck with her at all times.

What has really pissed me off is that there is an attraction here that ds1 really wants to go to – it’s and EH place and he knew it was here before we came away and really wants to go. According to Mil it is far too expensive, ridiculous and a rip off. We drove to it yesterday, I had to bf in the car, and before I had got out, dh, mil and ds were walking back to the car having decided we weren’t going in. I was furious – we could afford it, but apparently the decision has been made and it would be rude to spend the money in front of mil when she has treated us due to our financial problems. Bollocks. She insisted, we hadn’t asked or hinted or anything. It has cost us to get here and now we are here we might as well spend a bit more and let ds1 go to the place he wants to go to. Who drives up to a place and refuses to pay to go in with a child who wants to go in? We had a fucking picnic in the carpark ffs.

To make it worse, tonight we are booked to go to a restaurant (well-known chef), which, to my mind, is far more of an extortionate rip-off than the place ds wanted to go to. It’s mil’s treat apparently, but I fucking hate seafood and it’s no treat for the dc here.

Wib to get chips for the dc and me and take him to the attraction tomorrow despite what dh/mil say?

OP posts:
littlemisssweetness · 03/08/2017 12:36

YANBU about the castle, but everything else you are

chocatoo · 03/08/2017 12:41

Um actually I do think you sound a bit ungrateful. You are probably already kicking yourself for not finding out the cost of the EH place before you went - this would have enabled you to negotiate privately with your DH and saved DS the disappointment of the failed visit. Unfortunately not everyone can do what they please on holidays - I think everyone probably feels they are giving more than they are taking. Having said all of the above, it would be nice for your son to get to visit the place he wants - the simplest solution seems to me for you to take him off for half a day on your own. I am sure you can find the words to be tactful about it.

Agustarella · 03/08/2017 12:42

YANBU! The dilemma is not whether it's reasonable for you (an adult!) to do what's right for you and your DS - of course it is - but whether doing so would be worth the fallout in terms of offending your MIL (who is definitely BU but now may not be the time to burn bridges, unless you're a braver person than I am).

I've been there several times with my parents who took us on their holidays, and I reproach myself for not standing up to them sooner. I always went along with the compulsory meals/bedtimes/outings or whatever, hating having to pretend to be grateful for doing whatever they wanted while stuff I wanted to do was deemed selfish or not convenient or whatever. But then I was totally unreasonable, not to mention spineless, by going away with them the next time they asked! I said to myself 'never again' after the last holiday row with my dad, which was basically a trivial disagreement over bedtimes. (He was incensed that DD2 was still awake after midnight even though she was in bed and not being noisy. It was like I was stopping her sleeping on purpose purely to spite him, or something.) They can take the kids away on holiday if they want to, but I'm not going and being constantly undermined and having to walk on eggshells 24/7. Bugger that. I'm grateful for this thread because I always felt it was just my parents who did this, and they don't even do it to my brothers, just me! In my case I felt it was because I was a single parent and literally the poor relation, whereas my brothers are married so my parents have to be nice because they are competing for their sons' attention with another set of in-laws. In my own case I have managed to secure relatively respectful treatment from previously controlling and condescending parents by emigrating (!) and obviously by never going away with them again. It's more complicated for the OP because her DP seems to be complicit with the MIL's behaviour. I wonder if the best thing would be to go along with whatever is expected for the duration of this trip, then avoid seeing MIL for more than a flying visit in future. Of course if DP is amenable to the suggestion of packing up and leaving, that would be a good idea and some kind of tactful pretext can probably be found.

MikeUniformMike · 03/08/2017 12:48

It's your holiday too. Do your MIL and DH want it to be the holiday that your DS didn't get to see something he really wanted to see?
I'd skip the restaurant. Vege options in flash restaurants are usually dire. Chips eaten on the seafront however... Mmmmm

IHateUncleJamie · 03/08/2017 12:49
  1. Go to the restaurant and make the most of it. I'm sure you can have fried fish & chips like you can at Loch Fyne, or they're bound to have one meat dish.

Smile nicely and thank your MIL.

  1. Probably almost as cheap to join EH for the year as it will be to pay for a single visit, so why don't you investigate that?
  1. Just tell your DH that you and DS will be going to said castle, and if he and MIL would like to join you, lovely.

HTH.

Pantah630 · 03/08/2017 12:50

RS normally has quite a lot of meat on the menu too, they certainly do at the Poole one. Go, it will be worth it, delicious food and not hideously expensive either.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 03/08/2017 12:56

The RS fish and chip restaurant in Padstow by the harbour is lovely. I'm not a huge love of fish and chips but it was the nicest fish and chips I've ever had. Even DH who is from Yorkshire and until then swore that Whitby fish and chips couldn't be beaten, says that the RS ones are nicer.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 12:56

Lambzig

The fact you say that means your kids will want to holiday with like ours are happy to do.

Paying for them is kind but then trying to control is nasty.

flumpybear · 03/08/2017 13:03

You're not unreasonable at all!! Yo can't go all that way and not do the one thing your child wants to do - otherwise essentially she's dragged you all on her holiday as her
Company only, you don't get to enjoy it, just chase around after her
Tell your DH you're taking the car and the kids and he can have a day with his mum!
Good luck
Star

Hortonlovesahoo · 03/08/2017 13:10

Have a great time tomorrow OP and don't let them stop you and your son having a good day.

I'd also recommend the yearly membership. It really pays off

Pericombobulations · 03/08/2017 13:14

I thought Cornwall too. If you are off to Steins main restaurant, you will be lucky to pay less than £200 for 3 people. But there are meat and vegetarian options.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/08/2017 13:18

Nothing wrong with telling a child something isn't affordable but there is something very wrong with driving an excited child lol the way somewhere then saying it's not affordable.

It's not fucking hard to avoid shit like that by ringing ahead or looking online to find out the cost

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/08/2017 13:20

Your MIL has indeed been very generous, but that doesn't give her a ticket, to call all the shots.
Take your boy to the E H Centre, have a breather, and a great time, just the two of you, I would say.
If you can go to the restaurant, then do.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/08/2017 13:20

Exactly Sockamnesty

It's cruel.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/08/2017 13:21

Your MIL has paid for you to join her on holiday and while you should be grateful and help make the holiday enjoyable for her too by taking her out places and eating together, it doesn't mean you have sold your soul to the devil and need to do everything she says.

Your dh is a doormat to his mum and you are a doormat to your dh.

Just tell your dh you want a you/dh/ds family day or two out alone while on holiday and she can go somewhere with the other family members for the day. It is entirely reasonable and if he or you cant say that to his mum you might as well prepare for many years of this shite ahead.

reetgood · 03/08/2017 13:26

You don't have to do everything on family holiday together, surely? In my family it would be 'I fancy a walk, who's coming'. Surely it's the same here. Take your son to the castle and enjoy the restaurant.

Btw if it's tintagel they were super unreasonable. There's a village and numerous shops, tea rooms and pubs just at the top of the hill, where they could have entertained themselves. Plus there's the coastal path, for free, just near the car park. They could have easily had a stroll whilst you did the castle.

MyLittlePickleBoo · 03/08/2017 13:31

There's so much more value in taking a child to visit a castle than to a flipping restaurant. That's wonderful that he's expressing an interest in history! Any grandmother worth her salt would be so proud and encouraging him! He'll probably forget the rest of the trip in time but the visit to the castle will stay with him. Take him, OP!!! She's not the patent, you are, and you're doing the right thing for your child!

gamerchick · 03/08/2017 13:36

She took you off guard, the bairn must have been so disappointed... who takes them somewhere then not let them go in?!

Take them and politely decline any more 'treats' offered by the MIL in future.

Dragongirl10 · 03/08/2017 13:36

YANBU take your son to the attraction, it was really cruel to not let him go in.

Time to sit down with DH and tell him he is married to YOU, you are a team and you decide together what and how you do things. Tell him his loyalty should be with YOU. He has no need to upset his DM but ultimately he does need to stop being told what to do by her.

You need to toughen up and firmly stop this rediculous subservient attitude towards your MIL, you are not a child so don't behave like one, take charge!
be polite but adamant.

Think carefully before accepting her offer of holidays again!

HopefulHamster · 03/08/2017 13:39

Please go! And let us know how it went :)

milliemolliemou · 03/08/2017 13:43

Poor you. Poor MIL. Poor DH and poor DS. Agree I'd like to know what the other 2/3 members of the family have been doing (does MIL have a DP - otherwise it's you, DH, DS, baby, MIL).

MIL's being very kind paying for a cottage in high season, but did she bring her car, drive down those roads and then refuse to drive further? If you are up a lane (not just Cornwall) with single track and few passing places and you are not good at reversing it can be very hard even if you're not elderly. So what are the other 2/3 doing that doesn't allow you to escape for a morning? If it is Tintagel you could drop her in Port Isaac or at the cafe and meet her for lunch after 3 hours. Tintagel is reasonably priced and has a beach but closes in high winds. I think you and DH need to agree on a plan ... get to the site early, let MIL know what you're doing and present a strong front.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 03/08/2017 13:45

YANBU your poor DS. I've had situations like this before where everyone elses needs are catered for but the DCs are not - too expensive/not convenient etc - I always put my foot down and say "its the highlight of the trip for DC and it would be awful if he/she couldn't enjoy the holiday like we are by missing out". I second those who say its unhealthy to be joined at the hip - when we go away in groups, even with our closest friends, we always make sure we have plenty time apart - do our own thing during parts of the day then meet up for dinner or whatever. Anything else is too intense and you end up hating the "holiday"

happypoobum · 03/08/2017 14:04

I don't understand what's going on here - do you not drive OP?

Can you not just tell DH you are taking DS to the EH place this afternoon/tomorrow and go? Who are the other people in your party, you say there are 8 of you?

Why do you have to do what DH/MIL tell you? I am a bit baffled.

Sgtmajormummy · 03/08/2017 14:08

The Rick Stein harbour restaurant in Padstow (if it IS the one you mean) was lovely but definitely not a child friendly place at dinner time. For most of the evening DD (11) was the youngest there and when a family with small children (3-5yos) arrived later they put a "buffer zone" of empty tables around them.
I'd say fish and chips (lovely cake shop too) and a walk round would be much more child friendly.

Categoric · 03/08/2017 14:09

Hmm. I have had the holiday from hell this Summer. In the end, I went out for a walk with the DC, pretended my mobile was out of charge and did what I wanted... The DC thought it was hilarious. And I am never going on a 'free' family holiday again.