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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against dh's and mil's wishes on this holiday from hell?

252 replies

edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 10:45

We are currently in a lovely part of the country that we would not have been able to visit were it not for mil’s generosity. However, I am feeling less than grateful and would dearly love to pack up and go home. Dh works freelance and a couple of contracts have fallen through recently, which has been very bad timing as I am now on maternity leave. He is confident of picking up more work over the next few months, as the run up to Christmas is usually his busiest time and I will be back at work within 6 weeks, so things are tight but not desperate.

Mil insisted on treating us to this holiday, along with other members of the extended family. We were content to go without a holiday this year, but dh hates saying no to her so here we are. We have no accommodation costs, but the petrol costs are very high (don’t even want to add it all up) and with the bad weather we having to spend more than would otherwise have been the case. This is all fine and I know we are hardly in a place to complain.

My problem is mil and her controlling ways. Everyone (8 of us on total) has to eat together for all meals, and dh the dc and I can’t go out without her as she wants dh to do all her driving as we are down a windy road – she has her own car but won’t drive it here, so we are stuck with her at all times.

What has really pissed me off is that there is an attraction here that ds1 really wants to go to – it’s and EH place and he knew it was here before we came away and really wants to go. According to Mil it is far too expensive, ridiculous and a rip off. We drove to it yesterday, I had to bf in the car, and before I had got out, dh, mil and ds were walking back to the car having decided we weren’t going in. I was furious – we could afford it, but apparently the decision has been made and it would be rude to spend the money in front of mil when she has treated us due to our financial problems. Bollocks. She insisted, we hadn’t asked or hinted or anything. It has cost us to get here and now we are here we might as well spend a bit more and let ds1 go to the place he wants to go to. Who drives up to a place and refuses to pay to go in with a child who wants to go in? We had a fucking picnic in the carpark ffs.

To make it worse, tonight we are booked to go to a restaurant (well-known chef), which, to my mind, is far more of an extortionate rip-off than the place ds wanted to go to. It’s mil’s treat apparently, but I fucking hate seafood and it’s no treat for the dc here.

Wib to get chips for the dc and me and take him to the attraction tomorrow despite what dh/mil say?

OP posts:
livefornaps · 03/08/2017 14:19

Update pleeeeease!!

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 03/08/2017 14:20

Are you talking about Tintagel? You can actually do lots of it without paying the entrance fee. If you park in the village, and then veer up to the left as you are walking down the road to the beach, you can go along a path into a part of it that is outside the paying area. You get a really good view from there as well.

The steps are very steep up to the islandy bit, so only with paying if you are good with heights! Not a good place on a windy day, but fabulous on a clear calm day.

Beach is very cute, with fab free cave.

Fluffyears · 03/08/2017 14:22

Go you are your si smother and decide what he gets to do. Your MIL has no say, she can have her opinion but the decision lies with his parents.

NinonDeLenclos · 03/08/2017 14:23

Why should she have to though? I think OP should pay the entrance fee first to get the full experience and second to teach DH & MIL a lesson.

livefornaps · 03/08/2017 14:25

Also if you don't go back, the resounding memory of this holiday for DS, regardless of whatever else you do, will be that bloody awful car park picnic. Etched in his mind forever.

This is what you need to tell your husband before you make a break for it.

It's not really fair to be bratty about the restaurant though "I fucking hate seafood", well you're by the sea, what do you want, a curryhouse? Suck it up, buttercup. I have lots of lovely memories of restaurant meals from when I was very small, but then I always appreciated it was a special occasion and was grateful and happy to be there.

supermoon100 · 03/08/2017 14:27

Definitely do it. Never let ones mil tell you what to do but equally enjoy her generosity with good spirit.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/08/2017 14:34

If it's Tintagel you ABU if you don't take him! Also there's a nice tea shop at the bottom just outside the entrance to 'park' your MIL in. Personally I would say that restaurant won't be appreciated by DCs so will be a waste, you will sit it out with DCs while the other adults go and then you can spend the money saved on the castle instead. (And btw this is the sort of reason why we have camped/gone without a holiday in the past rather than go with relatives. In fact my DH says he would rather cut his head off with a teaspoon than do a holiday with extended family Grin )

woodhill · 03/08/2017 14:44

EH - Tintagel?

FilledSoda · 03/08/2017 15:09

I don't know that the op would really appreciate the detective work , it's an anonymous forum.
Take your son , what a lovely interest for him to have .

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2017 15:10

What a horror-show of a situation!

I think that's excessively mean (in more ways than one) of your MIL and, by his weakness, your DH to have taken your DS to the doors (so to speak) of the place he wanted to go and then not gone in.

We were over in the UK last month and went down to Devon for a few days, and I'd told the boys we'd go to Longleat on the way back. Wasn't prepared for the price of that either - but did we get there and go "fuck that's expensive, let's not bother" - no, we bloody didn't, because that would be a horrible thing to do! So we just sucked up the fearsome entry fee and went in (it was, by the way, brilliant).

That's what you do when you're on holiday and you can actually manage the cost of the attraction, even if it's rather more than you thought it would be. Or if you can't manage the cost, then you don't go near the bloody place at all, and explain that it's just too expensive, not dangle the place in front of the child and then go "nope".

Disgusting behaviour from your MIL, so yes, YANBU, take your DS tomorrow and sod the fall-out.

Your DH is a fucking wimp.

woodhill · 03/08/2017 15:13

I'm sure she won't mind, 100s of families in Cornwall on holiday. I loved Tintagel and went with dcs. First time I went it frightened me as both dds were very little so did not go in. It was raining.

Hope things improve OP and you do what you want to do.

riskyshift · 03/08/2017 15:23

The EH you are talking about is great for kids - my ds absolutely loved it

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 03/08/2017 16:15

If it's Tintagel, St Mawes or Pendennis, you MUST take him, they are fab (esp if Pendennis are doing their jousting/ falconry etc displays again. It will be way cheaper for just the 2 of you anyway...

Why do people who are doing you a favour, feel the need to police every aspect of your compliance of it?

SingingBabooshkaBadly · 03/08/2017 16:17

Poor DS! He must have been so disappointed. Taking a child somewhere they really want to go then not going in is just cruel. Please do take him OP. Lovely that he's so keen to go to an EH site rather than being glued to his iPad!

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2017 16:28

We have taken DC to similar places and when we saw the cost came away - it's good for DC to understand that somethings are too expensive. Have people honestly not heard of Google. You can look up prices, see what times are busy, look for offers and coupons. It's magical. And doesn't involve disappointing small children. Hmm

Rick Stein's was awesome though.

Original poster
edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 17:11

Quick update:

I have spoken to dh and said I will be taking ds to the EH place (has been identified on here!) tomorrow whether he likes it or not. He has gone a bit sulky and says it will look like a criticism of mil - as if we are accusing her of being mean. FFS, it's doing my head in. I have suggested we just say we didn't realise how much ds wanted to go, but he has been going on about it, and having looked into the cost of annual membership, along with other sites nearer home, have decided it's worth it. If dh's work doesn't pick up soon the £40ish will make no difference really - it's not as if we are chucking £40 here there and everywhere, and he could do some childcare when I'm back at work, saving money that way in a 'worse case scenario'. But I know it's not the money that's bothering him but the thought that he is going against his dm. I just wish I had spoken up yesterday instead of putting up with that awful carpark picnic.

Have looked online at the restaurant menu and the prices are eye-watering, unlike those at the castle. I'm really not happy having this amount of money spent on me when I know the spender is pissed off with me, and I'm going to be juggling a baby/dealing with ds (well-behaved, but likes to talk and tends to be ignored by everyone but me in situations like these!) and all round not properly enjoying the experience. I suppose I will have to suck it up and be gracious though. To make it worse, the family have form for eking out a bottle of wine between us all, so will be sipping on a thimble full for the duration...

Thank you so much for the replies - makes me feel less alone while dealing with this shit. I do think I will be firmer in saying no to any other 'free' holidays in future.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 03/08/2017 17:17

Well done OP! I think that "free" holidays that come with conditions ridiculous demands aren't worth the hassle. It's control freak behaviour to do what your MIL has done, and really unfair on your DS. If you want to fund something for family, lovely, but to make them bow and scrape and be grateful every second is just mean.

GreenTulips · 03/08/2017 17:21

I'd just take the kids to the chip shop - stop bowing down - MIL doesn't have your best interests at heart - let DH deal smith her!!

He couldn't slope off with hypinof you'd prefer he is a grown up

LakieLady · 03/08/2017 17:24

The RS fish and chip restaurant in Padstow by the harbour is lovely. I'm not a huge love of fish and chips but it was the nicest fish and chips I've ever had. Even DH who is from Yorkshire and until then swore that Whitby fish and chips couldn't be beaten, says that the RS ones are nicer.

Both RS fish & chips and Whitby fish & chips are good, but neither are as good as the fish and chips served in the pub at Portscatho on the Roseland peninsula! I can't recall if it's called the Feathers or the Prince of Wales but their fish and chips are the best DP and I have ever eaten.

And yes, MIL is being controlling (she actually reminds me a little of DP's ex). Take your lad to the place he wants to see - it was mean of DH & MIL to take him within spitting distance and then refuse to go in. He must have been so disappointed!

LakieLady · 03/08/2017 17:28

Why do people who are doing you a favour, feel the need to police every aspect of your compliance of it?

Because they're not doing the favour in a spirit of generosity, they're doing it so that you feel beholden to them and obliged to dance to their tune.

happypoobum · 03/08/2017 17:30

Well done OP!!!

Your second mission, should you choose to accept it, is to, shock, ORDER A SECOND GLASS OR BOTTLE OF WINE at dinner tonight!!!

If anything is said about MIL paying, tut tut, say no I am paying for this one, Smile

You can do this!!!

CosmicPineapple · 03/08/2017 17:31

I have not read the thread but it reminded me of the time we (DP) drove for an hour to some Roman ruins ( he loves time team) got there could see it was £9 each to get in and it was to view a small bit of tiled Roman floor. We left.

llangennith · 03/08/2017 17:36

I'm a mother and grandmother and love family occasions but I think all the family would hate being forced to do everything together! MIL is being controlling and should realise (or have it pointed out to her) that whilst she is being generous with money she is being rather mean-spirited on this holiday. Have a lovely day with your DS at the EH place.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2017 17:41

you tell them you quiet agree it is too expensive... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO your just going with DS which means only 1 child and adult,,,, waves at MIL and DH as you walk out.

MsGameandWatching · 03/08/2017 17:41

My blood is boiling just reading this and I respect how you've handled it because I know for a fact there'd have been an unpleasant scene in the car park of the attraction if they'd taken that decision without consulting me. We'd have gone in there and then, with or without them. Your MIL sounds like she's having a great deal of difficulty in letting you be in charge of your own family!