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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go against dh's and mil's wishes on this holiday from hell?

252 replies

edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 10:45

We are currently in a lovely part of the country that we would not have been able to visit were it not for mil’s generosity. However, I am feeling less than grateful and would dearly love to pack up and go home. Dh works freelance and a couple of contracts have fallen through recently, which has been very bad timing as I am now on maternity leave. He is confident of picking up more work over the next few months, as the run up to Christmas is usually his busiest time and I will be back at work within 6 weeks, so things are tight but not desperate.

Mil insisted on treating us to this holiday, along with other members of the extended family. We were content to go without a holiday this year, but dh hates saying no to her so here we are. We have no accommodation costs, but the petrol costs are very high (don’t even want to add it all up) and with the bad weather we having to spend more than would otherwise have been the case. This is all fine and I know we are hardly in a place to complain.

My problem is mil and her controlling ways. Everyone (8 of us on total) has to eat together for all meals, and dh the dc and I can’t go out without her as she wants dh to do all her driving as we are down a windy road – she has her own car but won’t drive it here, so we are stuck with her at all times.

What has really pissed me off is that there is an attraction here that ds1 really wants to go to – it’s and EH place and he knew it was here before we came away and really wants to go. According to Mil it is far too expensive, ridiculous and a rip off. We drove to it yesterday, I had to bf in the car, and before I had got out, dh, mil and ds were walking back to the car having decided we weren’t going in. I was furious – we could afford it, but apparently the decision has been made and it would be rude to spend the money in front of mil when she has treated us due to our financial problems. Bollocks. She insisted, we hadn’t asked or hinted or anything. It has cost us to get here and now we are here we might as well spend a bit more and let ds1 go to the place he wants to go to. Who drives up to a place and refuses to pay to go in with a child who wants to go in? We had a fucking picnic in the carpark ffs.

To make it worse, tonight we are booked to go to a restaurant (well-known chef), which, to my mind, is far more of an extortionate rip-off than the place ds wanted to go to. It’s mil’s treat apparently, but I fucking hate seafood and it’s no treat for the dc here.

Wib to get chips for the dc and me and take him to the attraction tomorrow despite what dh/mil say?

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 03/08/2017 11:08

You must be in Cornwall. The weather is certainly miserable this week.

Original poster

edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 11:09

Sorry - I'm not really moaning about the petrol, but just pointing out that dh and Mil are fine with that expenditure but when it comes to something that ds wants to do, she gets the final say on it being too ridiculous to even contemplate. I do wish we'd checked the prices before going, then dh and I could have agreed it together and it would have been fine. It's the suddenness of how it happened yesterday that caught me off guard. I hate confrontation...

OP posts:

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 11:10

You need to talk to your dh more op and tell him you are taking your ds tomorrow and is he coming.

Hope the contract work comes in. My dh is a contractor and it's a stressful life isn't it.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/08/2017 11:11

Sort of thing my ex-mil would do, and DH wouldn't stand up to her...note the ex-mil.... We had many problems (he didn't like women which, which was mostly down to her) but she was an enormous factor. Nip it in the bud now OP, or this will carry on for years (in my case about 20)

SomePeopleAreSoCheeky · 03/08/2017 11:12

My uncle once drove me and my brother and sisters to Legoland (around 5 hours in the car) then when we got there all excited to go in he declared it was more expensive than he thought and drove straight back home.
It's awful to do that to a child, he will have been so excited to be there and then suddenly it's not happening through no fault of his own.
I say sod the mil and do your own thing!

RadioGaGoo · 03/08/2017 11:13

Phew Cricketballs, you also sound like hard work!

Go to the attraction with DC - you never know the next time you will have the opportunity

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 11:14

Also family holidays of different generations only work if you all actually get on enough to do your own things.

We went away with all our grown up kids and grandkids and had one meal together in the whole week.

Flexibility is needed and your other problem is the remote location.

If you go again insist on going to a place where you don't always need a car.

MsHarry · 03/08/2017 11:14

Oh op I feel for you. I would do as a pp has suggested and just tell the others that is what you are doing. I would tell MIL before the meal as I don't see that the 2 things are connected as she won't be paying for you visit to the castle. Then if she thinks that's not on she can say so and look like a mean old cow to everyone else!

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 03/08/2017 11:14

I would have made them wait in the car while i took ds in to the attraction , what they did to a child is just cruel and you dont have to eat with them all the time hissy fit or no hissy fit its your holiday too , we had a holiday like this years ago with fil throwing strops everytime we did what we wanted to do , after the holiday i said in no uncertain terms that it would never be happening again due to his controlling behaviour weve never been asked since and im glad

NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 11:14

VBOX20OFF - gets you 20% off Membership on their site, so £54 to £43.20 for you (one adult) and up to six children. For a year. Probably loads of places nearer home your DS would like as well.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 11:15

Blimey somePeople how awful bet your parents were furious

Pigface1 · 03/08/2017 11:15

In relation to the restaurant I think YAB a bit U. A treat is a treat. There'll be a non-seafood option on the menu. But I think I get why you're annoyed about it - it's not being treated to a meal that you object to, it's the fact that your DS got denied entry to the one place he wanted to go on costs grounds but your MiL is happy to take you all out for a super expensive meal.

In relation to the attraction I think you definitely aren't being U, I'm totally with you. Assuming EH stands for English Heritage, it sounds like it would have been educational for your DS - lots of parents would kill to have a DS who asked to go to English Heritage sites! Plus in my experience EH sites (or at least the ones near us) really aren't that pricey - £4 for a child, £6 for an adult, free for under 5s. For the four of you I'm guessing it would have come to c. £25 - which is probably cheaper than one main course at this restaurant you're going to. Plus it's a good cause so calling it a 'rip-off' is pretty stingy.

Cheby · 03/08/2017 11:16

YANBU OP, just get up nice and early tomorrow and take the kids to the castle.

TestTubeTeen · 03/08/2017 11:17

Get another member of the extended family to drive her somewhere on one day and you take DS to the castle. Say it is affordable for the two of you, no need to pay for anyone who doesn't want to go in.

I would have taken him in while they had the picnic. 'oh, well, now we are here, might as well take DS in, it's the MAIN thing he wants to do here, so you two enjoy the view and a picnic, see you later'.

MsHarry · 03/08/2017 11:18

Yes, surely your DH is not the only one in the group of 8 that has a car?

BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 11:21

Your DH is a wuss and catering to the wrong woman. You are his DW. If he wants to keep you, I would suggest to him that he start supporting you and telling his mother that she doesn't get to dictate how you spend all your holiday time or money, even if she has helped fund them.

loveka · 03/08/2017 11:24

So you are getting taken to Rick Steins and you're moaning? All of his restaurants have meat and vegetarian options. I thunk nost people go for the quality of the food, not the vain hope of catching a glimpse of Rick Stein.

You need to separate the issues out in your head.

Yes you should go to the castle on your own.

If you dislike your husbands mum maybe you should have refused the holiday?

Xenophile · 03/08/2017 11:24

Cricketballs and their acolytes being delightful as always, I see!

Being forced to eat all together at the whim of one person, isn't socialising, it's just fucking rude. And if you don't eat seafood, and she knows you don't, then it would seem thoughtless of her to book to go, no matter how expensive it is! If you're where I think you are, there are other, equally naice places nearby that she could have chosen.

It also sounds like yours is the only bit of the family that is being treated like this. And the whole performance of taking the car to the attraction, refusing to go in and then having the picnic within sight of it is batshit.

Just go. Take your DS and go. Buy chips.

MsHarry · 03/08/2017 11:24

That's a bit harsh loveka

LoniceraJaponica · 03/08/2017 11:25

I don't understand why the entire family or group on holiday always has to to everything together. It is much healthier to do something different during the day and then meet up in the evening.

It is even healthier for in law relationships to never go on holiday with them - ever.

Original poster

edgedandtaken · 03/08/2017 11:25

Phew- glad to hear people don't think I'm an ungrateful cow! I will take ds tomorrow and see what dh says about the meal - think we could all do with a bit of a breather tbh. It has been quite intense.

Thank you for that code Natalia - will definitely look into it when I'm back at work.

OP posts:

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 03/08/2017 11:27

Quite apart from the fact that of course you should go, you're not prisoners, if it's Tintagel it's only a fiver for kids to get in fgs! Or, as PPs mentioned, get the membership!

LonginesPrime · 03/08/2017 11:28

YANBU, OP - go for it!

I'd also second looking into EH membership (and National Trust) - we've had some really lovely days out as a result - take a picnic and avoid the gift shop if you're on a budget, though!

Maddy70 · 03/08/2017 11:33

Tbh your mil is paying, its her shout imho

I actually think you sound the unreasonable one here

OddMollie · 03/08/2017 11:34

Go to the castle, obvs. And ask your MiL for EH membership for Christmas

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