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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think step mum shouldn't sit at top table at DD's wedding?

162 replies

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 20:54

DD is getting married in September. She want's her dad's wife to be seated at the top table. Groom's side will have 6 people, our side will have 7.
There's never been any animosity between my ex husband, his now wife and myself. I just feel she shouldn't be seated at the top table.
I never remarried, don't even have a partner, but if I did, he wouldn't get to sit there either.
This is supposed to be a traditional wedding btw.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Scribblegirl · 03/08/2017 09:36

Think you've handled the responses really well OP.

When it comes down to it, it's the couple's day. No step parents at our wedding in a few months, but DPs dad died a few years ago and DP has asked that we have an empty chair where his dad would have sat. My mum thinks it's a bit morbid but I don't particularly care, it's what he wants and if people think it's odd then that's their problem. DP feels its an appropriate way to mark the absence of his dad on our wedding day and that's that.

chips4teaplease · 03/08/2017 09:37

Dd had circular tables, the 'top' table just bride, groom, best man, bridesmaids. Guests were placed at tables where she thought they would be comfortable. It worked well.

Original poster
BrownJenkins · 03/08/2017 09:38

Good morning all.
Would someone kindly explain what RTFT means, please?

My AIBU post here is the first and only time I've raised a question regards DD's wedding. As far as DD, and anyone in real life, is aware, I've been totally in agreement and supportive of all her plans and ideas.
It is after all her wedding.
DD wants the top table btw.

OP posts:
Choccyhobnob · 03/08/2017 09:38

My DM refused to sit with my DF at the top table as they hadn't been married for over 20 years so I had to have my stepmother at the top table with my dad and my mum sat at an ordinary table with her boyfriend. Annoyed the fuck out of me at the time.

CoughLaughFart · 03/08/2017 09:42

Not RTFT = not read the full thread. Used by people who are so desperate to stick their snout in that they don't actually care whether their point has already been addressed five pages ago.

Fleab1te · 03/08/2017 09:43

RTFT means read the fucking (or full?) thread. Often said to posters who continue to berate the OP, even though they have already admitted unreasonableness.

Parker231 · 03/08/2017 09:43

One of my friends and her DH to be both had divorced parents who all had remarried. Rather than have a huge top table and not wanting to potentially offend any of the Steps who had been a part of their life's since childhood, they had a top table with the bride, groom, best man and bridesmaids. The four parents and their husband/wife all hosted one of the tables of guests. It worked really well and everyone was happy.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way - just so long as it's the decision of the bride and groom and happy guests and extended family.

Minkyfluffster · 03/08/2017 09:44

I had my Step Father at the top table, sat next to my DM, my Dad sat next to me. In my eyes he was always meant to sit next to my DM, I wouldn't have left him out.

I gave him the choice of wearing the same suit as the wedding party (we paid for the hire) or getting his own, he chose to same suit and I was delighted. The photos are fantastic.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/08/2017 09:49

OP, I see you have graciously accepted the MN wisdom, but perhaps it would help to think of it like this.

If the new(ish) wife didn't raise your DD and they live abroad I think you can take the often loaded term stepmother out of it. Your DD has a choice between putting her dad's wife with people she won't know or having her on the top table. Since there is no bad blood between you and her and presumably your DD likes her, it's entirely reasonable for go for the latter. Congratulate yourself on having such a kind and thoughtful daughter.

As a general rule, I think weddings are a time to be generous.

Ghjklf · 03/08/2017 09:52

Flowers. Fair play for taking everyone's advice on board. It's definitely best just to go with the flow a bit with weddings. People seem to get in such a fuss with them.

I hope it all goes brilliantly 💕💕💕👰🏼🤵🏼

Shockers · 03/08/2017 09:54

After my ex-FIL didn't attend my wedding because ex-MIL would be there, whenever I see blended families working together to make the bride and groom happy, I feel very emotional. Your daughter sounds like a wonderfully inclusive person, and I imagine you're rightfully very proud of her.

I/we have always tried to show my son (now 30) that just because his father and I should never have married, it doesn't mean we aren't an awesome parenting team!

fullofhope03 · 03/08/2017 09:55

I'm with you on this Bossy:-)

Original poster
BrownJenkins · 03/08/2017 09:55

CoughLaughFart and Flea1bte, thank you for the explanation.

A very big thank you to those who have RTFT

OP posts:
swingofthings · 03/08/2017 09:56

Arggg it's tough to be the child of divorced parents and always walking on egg shells not wanting to upset anyone.

I got married at the grand age of 42, bless my parents, they were really excited! Planning was all going well, but arranging the top table almost reduced me to tears. In between the best man who decided without consideration that his wife should be at the table, then the issue with my parents and only a total of 10, it was a real headache!

I made the first booh booh because I thought that maybe, my mum would have wanted to seat next to some friends she had a business interest in common and she had stated that she was looking forward to be able to meet them to discuss it. When I mentioned it, thinking I was being mindful of her needs, she went berserk and took it I wanted to exclude her from the table. So instead, I asked that she be seated next to me with my dad with his wife further away because my dad had the 'honour' to walk me down the aisle.

Except that this request had been missed and my dad and SM were seating next to me, with my sister and mum at the end. It was clear when I walked in that my mum was furious, which led her to make some snappy comments when my dad made his speech. It went from bad to worse and my mum ended up leaving for the hotel early.

It certainly didn't ruin my wedding but it did put me under pressure as I was upset that my mum was upset and had assumed I had intended to push her away.

So please please, let it go. If you love your daughter respect the fact that it is all very awkward for her and she is only trying to please everyone.

Twistmeandturnme · 03/08/2017 09:56

Brown I completely understand why you feel the way you do (it is illogical but so are all our emotional responses to what our children do), but honestly, you are Mother of the Bride: primary parent, involved in planning...as you say you are excited and nervous in equal measure. Focus on that.
Your exH's new wife lives abroad and won't know a soul there except your DD and her husband: where else could they put her without being really rude to her? Your DD is being a good and caring host: which is what everyone should be on their wedding day!¬

EmmaJR1 · 03/08/2017 10:02

I got married last year and had my mum and her partner, my dad and my step mum and my husbands mum and dad on the top table. It wasn't anyone else's business but ours.

You don't really get any say and I wouldn't even hint at your displeasure because it will make your DD worried about it and no bride needs more to worry about!

livefornaps · 03/08/2017 10:06

Just wanna say: bless ya and I understand you just needed to vent.

As exciting as they are, weddings can sometimes be a bit fraught, even when everyone has the best of intentions.

The way you talk about your daughter is just lovely.

I am sure she's very grateful for how gracious you're being.

Have a wonderful day, look top dollar and have a glass of champagne on us.

EmmaJR1 · 03/08/2017 10:08

Ahhhh just read your later replies! Good for you, you sound like you are really looking forward to the big day! Enjoy it. My mum did, she was a bit merry and kept patting my husbands tummy saying "have a happy honeymoooooooooooooooon" and "ahhhh my lovely new son" it was hilarious! She spent the next day in bed but at least she enjoyed herself 😂

MineKraftCheese · 03/08/2017 10:16

Top tables can be really tough! We had the best man on ours who was DH's brother but his partner was sitting at a different table. Luckily she is lovely and didn't mind and even made our wedding cake.

Our top table was bride, groom, both sets of parents then the best man (DH's brother and only sibling) plus my brother (again, my only sibling). I had two bridesmaids but they weren't on the top table.

Everyone is different. You sound sensible, just let your DD choose what she wants.

Alicia555 · 03/08/2017 10:19

I had my step dad and my dad on the top table.

happypoobum · 03/08/2017 10:22

OP I am glad you have understood the posters saying YABU and I do understand how you feel.

I have told my teen DC that if they ever get married I will pay for them to elope so that I do not have to deal with any of this shite Grin

I think you should re read the poster who had quote the collection of SMs at her top table and her over riding memory of her wedding was her mothers grace and good humour about it. That is what you need to aim for. I also had a dad like that. His funeral was the stuff of comedy legend.

Good luck.

SukiTheDog · 03/08/2017 10:22

Yabu. If your daughter wants her there, it is her wedding. If I were you, I'd be grateful you all rub along/get on. Some kids can't stand their step parents and that creates even more difficulties than who sits where, at a wedding!

SukiTheDog · 03/08/2017 10:24

Ah... came late to "the table". Glad you're sorted, OP.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/08/2017 10:24

Yes, you're wrong. It's your DD's wedding and it's what she wants.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/08/2017 10:25

What a lovely daughter you have raised.

Have a lovely time at the wedding and concentrate on all the positives.

Flowers