Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think step mum shouldn't sit at top table at DD's wedding?

162 replies

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 20:54

DD is getting married in September. She want's her dad's wife to be seated at the top table. Groom's side will have 6 people, our side will have 7.
There's never been any animosity between my ex husband, his now wife and myself. I just feel she shouldn't be seated at the top table.
I never remarried, don't even have a partner, but if I did, he wouldn't get to sit there either.
This is supposed to be a traditional wedding btw.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:
sourpatchkid · 02/08/2017 21:31

Don't be silly, where else would she sit? It makes sense she's next to her husband

MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 21:32

Sounds like your daughter is being quite gracious by sitting her step mum (who is more like dad's wide because she came along in adukthood) with her father because he'll be the only one the step mum really knows.

Follow her lead on this. I think she's doing it to be lovely.

katronfon · 02/08/2017 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eminybob · 02/08/2017 21:33

I think it's lovely of your DD to have her on the top table. The wedding will be no fun for her if she is forced to sit and make small talk to a table full of strangers all day.
I think it's the nice of the bride and groom make everyone feel as comfortable as possible.
I was a bridesmaid a few years back and was stuck on the top table next to the grooms dad who I had never met before, dh was stuck with a table full of other halves of the rest of the top table. It was a bit rubbish. (Not saying that dh should have been on the top table as just the partner of a bridesmaid of course, but I think a step parent is different)

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 02/08/2017 21:35

Why is it an issue for you? Clearly it is otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to post.

Toomuchcoffeetoday · 02/08/2017 21:36

We had a very traditional wedding and both my husband's step parents were on the 'top table'. His parents split when he was tiny so his stepparents had been a part of his life nearly as long as he can remember.

And it is your daughters wedding. Just let her have it how she wants it.

GinIsIn · 02/08/2017 21:37

If you want to make sure your DD has the wedding she wants, why are you questioning her choices as she's told you very plainly what she wants - for her stepmother to be on the top table. Confused

Original poster
BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 21:39

Thank you again for your replies.
As I said, I have not mentioned the seating arrangements with DD.
I am so proud of her in every way and I absolutely wouldn't do or say anything to upset her or spoil her big day.

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 02/08/2017 21:39

Well done, OP. I think some posters have been a bit harsh on here but you've taken it on the chin. Don't worry about the top table - you see allsorts up there these days. You're her mum and everyone will know that. I think it's really sweet and caring of your DD to invite her step-mum up there too. Very decent of her.

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/08/2017 21:40

As others have said, YABU. Your daughter has chosen to have her step mum on her top table and you should be more gracious about it. Her wedding and her choice. Why is it anything to do with you?

acquiescence · 02/08/2017 21:41

I had my step mum at my main table with my dad, mum and the grooms parents. My dad had left my mum for my step mum after an affair (15 years ago) and there was a lot of animosity at the time. My mum was fine with it. If she hadn't of been I would've considered other options, but she would've have a valid reason to object.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 02/08/2017 21:42

I guess you're venting here rather than actually saying anything in real life. In which case, you're not BU really. I'm sorry that you feel awkward about the seating and I do hope the day goes well. Bloody families!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 02/08/2017 21:47

You are her mum. Everyone knows that. Nothing will ever change that.

I'm not a mum and I can see why I would be (secretly, deep, deep down) hurt by a newish step-mum at the top table if my child were getting married.

And yes, technically PPs are correct: "it's your DD's decision, nothing to do with you blah blah" but seriously, emotions aren't logical, folks!

lookatyourwatchnow · 02/08/2017 21:47

What on earth is the problem with step parents sitting at the top table? She's her step mum, where else would she sit except for next to her DH.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 02/08/2017 21:47

Your DD can have her cat sat at top table if she like because it's her wedding. YANBU to feel it's not right ( I think it's human nature) but you YWBU to ever mention it.

ilovesooty · 02/08/2017 21:50

I think the OP is being perfectly gracious about it. She says she hasn't mentioned it to her daughter nor will she.

I hope you all have a lovely day and your daughter sounds kind, sensitive and mindful of everyone.

missymayhemsmum · 02/08/2017 21:51

My DD had a very traditional wedding, church, country hotel, big white dress, flowers, morning dress, the works. Her stepmum has been part of her life since she was 5 and has never been less than lovely and supportive. I did the speech (her Dad walked her up the aisle and is no public speaker) and it was a privilege to acknowledge her sm by saying I was speaking on behalf of DD's 3 parents -exh, dsm and me. Top table was dd and dsil, his parents, exh, and dsm, bridesmaids (inc dd2) DD also had all 3 of her grandmothers there, her almost-aunt and an honorary great-uncle. All her family, in fact.

There is nothing to be gained by pretending that you and her dad are a 'normal couple' for the photos and excluding her stepmother. (If she was her Dad's new girlfriend you might have a point, but it sounds like she has earned her place in your dd's family) Celebrate the extended family your dd has, which includes her stepmother, and don't spoil her day.

MadamePomfrey · 02/08/2017 21:52

Well done op you are doing absolutely the right thing and I'm sure your daughter appreciates it.

MycatsaPirate · 02/08/2017 21:54

I'd love to have my cats at the top table - it would be fun! and chaotic :o

I think the op has been given a hard time but she has been extremely gracious in her replies.

Your DD sounds bloody lovely, you have clearly done an amazing job bringing her up.

I doubt I will even be invited to either of my DSD's weddings in the future so be happy that your family set up is a lot more harmonious than ours!

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2017 21:57

I can certainly understand how you feel but under all the circumstances, how you divorced etc, step mum wasn't involved (and to be honest she's not really a traditionally step mum is she, after 5 years and your DD is in her 30s?) I'd just go with it - you are her mum, you are a huge part of her day, just nod and smile. Agree with PP you have done a great job.

BadToTheBone · 02/08/2017 22:02

I'm a stepmum, I love my stepdd and have for the past 2 years had her living here. I'd be honoured to be part of her top table but I wouldn't expect it and would never try to take her mums place. Just be proud of your dd, accepting the arrangements will make her appreciate you more, honestly.

I've heard of so many weddings being ruined or arrangements being a hassle because of trying to make everyone happy. I bet your dd says her friends that she's so lucky to have you as you're accepting her plans without fuss.

Judydreamsofhorses · 02/08/2017 22:04

OP, I totally get why you are upset. My mum remarried after my dad died, and one of the reasons we'll elope is to avoid all the top table stuff. My mum's husband isn't my dad, despite the fact my mum mithers me about not sending him a Father's Day card - I was in my early 30s when they met!

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2017 22:04

Do you know what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable about it OP?

Do you think people will assume a closer relationship between your DD and her SM?

I think what this thread shows is families are more complicated than ever and all the guests will be looking at the happy couple and, if they think about it, how lovely it is to see them surrounded by their parents and loved ones.

The meal is such a short part of the day. I know it seems like a big thing but I'm sure it'll be fine Smile

Your DD sounds like a lovely woman and I hope the wedding is a happy day for all of you.

NannyRed · 02/08/2017 22:06

I think it's lovely of the bride to invite a step parent to join her on top table, much nicer than the poor step parent being expected to sit apart from their partner (the biological parent being on top table)

I also think it's weird that you are getting so riled about someone else's seating plans. Not your wedding, not your choice.

Original poster
BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 22:13

I have been so touched by the very kind replies.
If I'm honest, it could be nerves as the day is fast approaching.
We went to sample some of the dishes today and meet with the wedding planner.
I'm not sure who is most excited, DD or me.
I'll certainly make sure step mum is made to feel very welcome.
Thanks again everyone for putting it all in perspective.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread