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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think step mum shouldn't sit at top table at DD's wedding?

162 replies

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 20:54

DD is getting married in September. She want's her dad's wife to be seated at the top table. Groom's side will have 6 people, our side will have 7.
There's never been any animosity between my ex husband, his now wife and myself. I just feel she shouldn't be seated at the top table.
I never remarried, don't even have a partner, but if I did, he wouldn't get to sit there either.
This is supposed to be a traditional wedding btw.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:

Liadain · 02/08/2017 21:17

Yes, you're unreasonable. It isn't your wedding and whether you like it or not, the stepmum is part of her life. Your feelings on traditional weddings don't apply.

Fwiw, it's lovely of your daughter to want the sm up there, instead of being shunted off to the side.

Penfold007 · 02/08/2017 21:18

BrownJenkins why shouldn't the stepmother be seated at the top table?

Original poster

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 21:20

Thank you all for your honest replies.
I haven't mentioned this to my DD, nor will I.
DD is 32, first marriage. She's known her step mum for about 5 years. Ex hubby and step mum live abroad and DD doesn't see them for more than a couple of weeks each year. I am constantly being told it will be a traditional wedding (by DD) hence my asking about the seating arrangements.
My ex and I divorced 20 years ago. I ended the marriage and there is no bad feeling on my part.

OP posts:

ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 21:21

Ah you've got a lovely DD there OP. Follow her lead and be gracious about it. Don't make her choose not to seat her step mum on the top table.

ADsBadAccent · 02/08/2017 21:21

This is exactly why we had no parents at the top table, only bridesmaids, best man and their partners. Couldn't bare everyone nagging me about who should sit there no who shouldnt!

Piratesandpants · 02/08/2017 21:23

YANBU. Top table is for parents only.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 02/08/2017 21:24

A "traditional" wedding does not mean you cannot deviate slightly in certain areas.

My DD is getting married on Saturday. Trust me Brown you will learn to bite your lip until it bleeds

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/08/2017 21:24

You are wrong, and you need to let this go. When you are divorced with children this is the sort of thing you just have to suck up, though it may not suit you. Voice of experience sadly. You do it because you love your children, and they come before what you think in this situation.

Original poster

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 21:25

I am so proud of her.
She's the best part of my life.
Step mum didn't raise her.
I'm making sure DD has the wedding she wants.
There's no way I'd mention anything about the seating arrangements to her.

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 02/08/2017 21:25

What is meant by a traditional wedding?

needmymouthsewnup · 02/08/2017 21:25

Yep, like the others, I would put your exH's wife with your exH, just like if you had remarried, your partner would also be on top table. In fact, at our wedding, we had just this - my husband's parents were divorced and both remarried, we had them both, plus new partners, on top table. Where else would they sit otherwise? With random people/family members who aren't their family?! It's really not a big deal, especially if you really are ok with him remarrying.

SenecaFalls · 02/08/2017 21:26

Another bride with step-parents here. Except in my case, my dad was on wife No. 3; wife No. 2 had been in my life since I was 5 years old and I wanted her to have a place of honor, and then of course there was my mother. All three were at the head table. My step-dad was there too. Thirty years later, one of the best memories of my wedding was my mother's sense of humor and grace about the whole thing.

As a side note, Dad went on to No. 4 shortly thereafter.

Corcory · 02/08/2017 21:27

Well I;m a step mother and I was very honoured to sit at the top table, however I wasn't sat with my husband, I wouldn't have expected to as that's where the groom's mum sits. I was at the end of the table with one of the ushers next to me. He ever spoke to me the whole time and turned his back on me completely , he was a very big guy so I couldn't see a thing during the speeches. Obviously the groom's family had no idea about our family dynamic and that I am far from the wicked step mother and I certainly didn't spirit my DH away from his loving family! It's certainly not the first time I was made to feel ignored at family gatherings.

Mum2jenny · 02/08/2017 21:27

Your dd should control who sits where, it's not your call, but I understand your issues.

CoughLaughFart · 02/08/2017 21:27

As the stepmother lives abroad, your ex may be the only other guest she knows. I think your daughter is probably just trying to avoid sidelining her.

JustHappy3 · 02/08/2017 21:27

Everyone in the room will look at you on the day and know you are the kind of mum who puts her daughter first.
My parents weren't split up and still made the day all about them "you're getting married but it's OUR wedding". 16 years later and it still rankles.
Don't do that. You might not get any feedback on the day but your reaction will be very powerful. I believe in karma tho so i think you'd get something marvellous down the line

ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 21:28

Step mum didn't raise her

No and I guess that's nothing to do with why she wants her at the top table but more to do with keeping her dad happy too. There's a place for you all.

Kailoer · 02/08/2017 21:28

Yabu

Let your DD decide what she's comfortable and happy with. Your job is to support her and make sure she's got good advice, not cause problems over petty things you think are important.

Her wedding, let her get on with it!

HeadfirstForHalos · 02/08/2017 21:28

Perhaps if they live abroad then she felt it would be nice to sit sm with her dad as she won't know anyone? I'd probably do something like that. It won't do any harm either way, and everyone that matters knows you were the one who raised her.

Alicely · 02/08/2017 21:28

You are so intitiled to your opinion OP. I imagine you'll feel maybe a little put out but I just wanted to give my opinion as a child of divorce myself. I feel it's always a struggle to make everyone feel loved and possibly wrongly my mum is always the one who takes the broot of my decisions. Mums are strong lady's and you know unlike anyone else there love is unconditional. I suspect your DD knows this may upset you but maybe knows as her mother youll rise above maybe unlike her dad or Stepmum. I hope this helps, don't feel too guilty about your feelings but please know I'm sure she is trying to please everyone and depends on you for understanding.

user1468353179 · 02/08/2017 21:29

Have a sweetheart table it's much better. It's the bride and groom on their own , the parents just sit at a table with other family members/ friends.

TartanDMs · 02/08/2017 21:29

I'm a step mum and DSS wants me to sit at the top table, with his mum and DAD. His fiancee's parents are still married so there will be three on his side and two on hers. I am pleased to be included, as I have been his step mum for 18 years and he lived with us full time growing up.

HeadfirstForHalos · 02/08/2017 21:30

I agree she's probably doing it for her dad, and so sm isn't sidelined. She sounds lovely, be proud you raised such a wonderful dd

missymayhemsmum · 02/08/2017 21:30

My DD had a very traditional wedding, church, country hotel, big white dress, flowers, morning dress, the works. Her stepmum has been part of her life since she was 5 and has never been less than lovely and supportive. I did the speech (her Dad walked her up the aisle and is no public speaker) and it was a privilege to acknowledge her sm by saying I was speaking on behalf of DD's 3 parents -exh, dsm and me. Top table was dd and dsil, his parents, exh, and dsm, bridesmaids (inc dd2) DD also had all 3 of her grandmothers there, her almost-aunt and an honorary great-uncle. All her family, in fact.

There is nothing to be gained by pretending that you and her dad are a 'normal couple' for the photos and excluding her stepmother. If she was her Dad's new girlfriend you might have a point, but it sounds like she has earned her place in your dd's family) Celebrate the extended family your dd has, which includes her stepmother, and don't spoil her day.

Foxglovesandsweetpeas · 02/08/2017 21:31

Greggers 2017 - that's so lovely to hear - sounds like you have a great family.

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