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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think step mum shouldn't sit at top table at DD's wedding?

162 replies

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 20:54

DD is getting married in September. She want's her dad's wife to be seated at the top table. Groom's side will have 6 people, our side will have 7.
There's never been any animosity between my ex husband, his now wife and myself. I just feel she shouldn't be seated at the top table.
I never remarried, don't even have a partner, but if I did, he wouldn't get to sit there either.
This is supposed to be a traditional wedding btw.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 02/08/2017 22:18

Brown you sound like a lovely mum and you have really been gracious even when the replies have been on the harsh side. Hope the day goes really well.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2017 22:25

Wedding planning is awesome, enjoy! It'll be brilliant. Look forward to all the good things

wtffgs · 02/08/2017 22:33

Fgs! This is a non-problem. Your DD likes her and wants her on the totally pointless & quite dull top table. Fine.

Her age, length of relationship with your DD is irrelevant. If, as I'm sure you do, love your DD then for the love of all that is holy, just support her and help her enjoy the day.

PsychoPumpkin · 02/08/2017 22:35

I'm not in contact with my biological father, my stepdad has raised me since I was 5 though so even if I was in contact with my 'real' dad I would have had my stepdad on the top table.

My husband chose his mum & dad for our top table, despite his dad having remarried, his new stepmum (of 6 weeks) was on a table with my bridesmaids close to the top table, it wasn't meant as a slight, we both just chose our parents and his step mum wasn't one in his eyes.

It doesn't matter what you think though OP, if your DD wants to honour her step mum with a seat at the top table it doesn't bump you off or lessen how much you mean to her. She might be doing it for entirely political reasons, or not, but let it be.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 22:42

I agree with everyone else, of course she has to sit next to her husband, it would be awful and awkward for her not to be,

I'm glad you're not going to say anything as it would be wrong if you to do so, your daughter is doing rhe right thing in accepting her fathers wife. Sitting her elsewhere would make everyone uncomfortable. This is absolutely the right thing to do,

Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 22:45

Are you ALSO at the 'top table' OP?

If so, then YABU.

if you are NOT, and stepmum IS, then YANBU.

llangennith · 02/08/2017 22:49

It must be hard to accept this and you'd probably feel differently if you also had a partner. But you've raised a lovely DD and this is her wish for her wedding.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 02/08/2017 23:03

be happy for your DD and her decision, all any of us want is for our kids to be happy and content, her decision, her day

cherish123 · 02/08/2017 23:04

I can understand how you feel but you should be glad your daughter is so kind and thoughtful. Just imagine she hated her step mum and did not want her there. Just relax and enjoy the day.

gallicgirl · 02/08/2017 23:08

This is the reason DH and I had a sweetheart table at our wedding. We sat alone and our guests surrounded us on round tables. Each set of parents hosted a table and it avoided conflict. It worked out really well for us, no idea how everyone else felt about it.

Grilledaubergines · 02/08/2017 23:15

YABU but understandable IMO. I think I'd feel that it was a time for mum and dad to have the honour of top table with their son or daughter.

However, dignified and correct would be to accept its your daughter's wish and remind yourself that you don't slip down the rankings because her father's wife is there. Only one mum and only one dad.

JeffVaderneedsatray · 02/08/2017 23:20

OP YABU.
However i totally understand. I am a child of divorced parents and both parents, at the time of my wedding, had new partners. I would quite happily had the lot of them on a top table BUT my SM was reluctant to AND my ILs are Catholic (as am I to be clear), VERY Catholic, and I know they find my 'colourful' past life tricky. (They are lovely but totally baffled as to why my Catholic parents got divorced in the first place and why they now have new partners)
DH and I thought long and hard about the whole top table thing and eventually decided on Afternoon Tea after our wedding in a very very informal setting with acres of smoked salmon sarnies and tea by the gallon.
It was magic and no one noticed the blending of my families!

User02 · 02/08/2017 23:39

Instead of the usual top table arrangement which is now getting a bit difficult with divorces and remarrying being so frequent, what about have the so called top table with bride, groom, chief bridesmaid and best man. Or the table could include all bridesmaids, best man, ushers and flower girls. The parents and step-parents and any grandparents could sit at the next table.

MsLexicon · 02/08/2017 23:40

What you want her Dad to sit on his own at the top table and his wife somewhere else? How mean!
Honestly I cannot believe half these wedding threads.
Bloody hell.

ShortThing94 · 02/08/2017 23:40

YABU.

this kind of crap is why me and my DH chose to have a sweetheart table with just us on.

The rest of the parents ect were sat together with siblings

Notonthestairs · 02/08/2017 23:55

Op you've been very responsive to the comments made - good on you. Have a lovely day.

CoughLaughFart · 03/08/2017 09:05

What you want her Dad to sit on his own at the top table and his wife somewhere else? How mean!
Honestly I cannot believe half these wedding threads.
Bloody hell.

Have you actually bothered to read the OP's updates? She has very clear said, more than once, that she isn't going to question the seating arrangements.

OP says 'AIBU?', most people say 'Yes, but understandably', OP says 'Okay' - job done. But still people chime in banging the same drum...

DeadDoorpost · 03/08/2017 09:08

Not RTFT but it's up to your DD who sits at the top table. My mum hated the fact my step mum sat at the top table because I wanted her there and she made my life miserable the whole time I was planning. You sound the same.. let her choose who she wants. My side had 4 and DH had 3 at the table.. who cares?

rizlett · 03/08/2017 09:12

Whilst I hear what you are saying op - that you haven't mentioned seating arrangements and you sound a lovely mum - just as an aside - I don't really understand why anyone needs to have a top table at all... it's often makes things really awkward and is somewhat outdated. I've been to quite a few weddings where everyone was on normal tables. As a bride I'd rather sit with my friends than my family anyway but I'm probably a bit weird about that.

CoughLaughFart · 03/08/2017 09:21

Not RTFT

But you still felt you had to chime in.

Upsy1981 · 03/08/2017 09:22

I had my step dad at the top table and my dad sat with his partner and other guests at a nearby table. My dad had been in and out of my life for many years and my step dad had been a constant, raising me throughout my teenage dramas etc. And my mum and step dad were paying (along with ILs). My dad hadn't met my DH until a couple of weeks before the wedding. For all those reasons I feel we made the right choice, although I do reflect on how my dad must have felt.

My mum did the father of the bride speech.

Also, just to note that the most traditional top table arrangement involves the bride's mother sitting with the groom's father on one side of the bride and groom and vice versa on the other side. So you could end up sitting with one of the ILs rather than your other half, whatever the family circumstances (although we didn't do this).

I think you just have to go with the flow.

user1497357411 · 03/08/2017 09:26

You sound petty. Don't let anyone in your family .... or among your friends for that matter, hear you talk like that. They'll respect you less.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 03/08/2017 09:29

Good for you OP. Normal to have wobbles but you've handled this gracefully and DD will never know.

My mil interfered in our wedding plans that involved my DHs stepmum. It made her look a massive asshat and it really hurt my DH.

Us too. She was truly awful and I will never look at her the same way again. I cannot imagine treating my kids that way.

Flowerfae · 03/08/2017 09:34

I haven't been to a wedding where the step mum sits at the top table but I don't see the issue with it, and if the bride and groom wants the stepmum there, then its up to them.

MaidenMotherCrone · 03/08/2017 09:35

Op, I hope you all have a beautiful day and wish your DD and her DH a life of love and happiness.

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