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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think step mum shouldn't sit at top table at DD's wedding?

162 replies

BrownJenkins · 02/08/2017 20:54

DD is getting married in September. She want's her dad's wife to be seated at the top table. Groom's side will have 6 people, our side will have 7.
There's never been any animosity between my ex husband, his now wife and myself. I just feel she shouldn't be seated at the top table.
I never remarried, don't even have a partner, but if I did, he wouldn't get to sit there either.
This is supposed to be a traditional wedding btw.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:
MarmaladeIsMyJam · 02/08/2017 21:04

I had my Step-Mum at the top table, she's been my SM for 27 years and I love her dearly. Doesn't mean I love my own Mum any less.

ChickenBhuna · 02/08/2017 21:04

Let your DD enjoy her wedding , support her choices.

PNGirl · 02/08/2017 21:05

It's one meal and it's not your wedding.

aramintafatbottom · 02/08/2017 21:05

It's her wedding she can do whatever she likes.

Fuckoffee · 02/08/2017 21:05

You are wrong. It's not your place to be involved in these sorts of decisions.

My mil interfered in our wedding plans that involved my DHs stepmum. It made her look a massive asshat and it really hurt my DH.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 02/08/2017 21:06

This sort of shenanigans is why I had to find a restaurant with one large round table for the meal at my wedding. (Before the meal I decided to go quickly to the registry office with just DH and two witnesses because I couldn't guarantee parents and steps would behave.)
If your DD wants to sit her Dad's partner next to her Dad then maybe you'd be best leaving her to it. Please don't voice your opinion to her about it. I hope it's a lovely day.

SpartacusSaiman · 02/08/2017 21:06

Also the great things about weddings are they can be traditional and different all at once.

They can be whatever the bride and groom want.

Maelstrop · 02/08/2017 21:06

Even if you're paying, it's your dad's wedding, not yours. YABU.

superking · 02/08/2017 21:07

Yes I think you're wrong although I can understand why you don't like it. I had a "traditional" wedding but departed from the script a couple of times where it seemed right to do so. For whatever reason (presumably because she feels her DSM has been a positive adult influence in her life, and is also her Dad's partner), your DD has made the decision to give her the honour of sitting at the top table. Please don't question or seek to alter that choice, you will only cause upset.

AntiHop · 02/08/2017 21:08

Yabu.

ShoesHaveSouls · 02/08/2017 21:08

I had my mum, stepdad, dad, and his partner at the top table at my wedding.

I really did want them all there - they're all important to me. But on dh's side, there was just his dad. It doesn't matter - it should be what your did and sil want.

belmontian · 02/08/2017 21:09

As a child with step parents on both sides YABVU. Your dd wants her there, so you need to accept that. My DM said exactly the same thing regarding our SM, going on and on about it putting pressure on my dsis which put a big strain on her

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2017 21:09

Yes, you're wrong.

Respect your daughter's wishes.

JaneEyre70 · 02/08/2017 21:11

It's your DDs wedding. What she wants, goes. It must feel odd for you, but at least it shows they have a good relationship.

HeadfirstForHalos · 02/08/2017 21:11

I think it's lovely that she wants her SM on top table with her. If there's no animosity between you then what's the issue?

MadamePomfrey · 02/08/2017 21:12

Child of divorced parents here too, I do see your point and personally my step mum will be no where near my top table but please don't stress your daughter out more let her make her choice I dread the fall out when I tell people my choice it will spoil the day a bit I know. Please don't do that to your daughter.

ARedOne · 02/08/2017 21:12

It's entirely up to the bride and groom. We chose to have parents partners at other tables because they didn't have that sort of relationship with us. I think his step mum kicked off about that, amongst many other complaints about us in general, and as a result of the animosity her craziness we've barely seen FIL since the wedding. He's missing out on his grandchildren as a result.
It's only an hour or so and you're unlikely to even be close enough to interact with them. Smile, be polite, don't give your daughter a hard time.

TicketyBoo83 · 02/08/2017 21:14

YABVU. Not your wedding, not your decision.

oldfatandtired1 · 02/08/2017 21:14

I sympathise Brown I suspect I might be in the same situation myself in a year or two. But if my ex's new partner (who he left me for) is on the top table I'll rise above and not make a fuss. It's not my wedding and I'll respect my DC's wishes.

chocolateworshipper · 02/08/2017 21:14

Another child of divorced parents here. I had grief from both sides and ended up compromising by having step-mum in the receiving line, but not on the top table. More than 20 years later I still regret not just going with what I wanted. Don't make your DD feel bitter about her special day.

Narnia72 · 02/08/2017 21:14

Both of OH's parents had remarried when we got married, so both steps were at the top table. He hated his stepdad but did it out of respect to his mum. My sister got married and her OH's mum created so much about her ex's new partner, they nearly eloped. (Bear in mind they'd been divorced for over 25 years and he'd been together with the new partner for 20!) Partner wasn't even allowed to come to the wedding. It had huge ramifications, don't be that parent. Be pleased everyone gets in well enough to sit in a room together and your daughter doesn't have to choose.

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 21:14

You really wanna be the one that's remembered for being the wedding diva/pain in the ass by your DD when she looks back on her day?

If not, let it go! it's none of your business. Have some grace/dignity and enjoy her day with her

MikeUniformMike · 02/08/2017 21:15

I would say YANBU but it's your DD's wedding. It will be easier all round if you go with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2017 21:16

My DM and SM get on ok and she's been with my dad 20 odd years but DM was single when one of my brothers got married and DM had sleepless nights about table plans driving us all insane. I never got to the bottom of it apart from dad had SM and mum was single. Can't even reminder what happened in the end but I was forewarned come my own wedding a year later that it wasn't really about us but ALL of the many tricky issues people dump on you when you're planning a wedding...

Please don't make an issue out of this, rant to a friend if you need to. They'll have loads on their plate with plans already so try not to focus on things that aren't that significant.

Look a million dollars, celebrate this happy occasion.

Ivegotnothing · 02/08/2017 21:17

Be happy your daughter has had a wonderful step mum to help raise her, be proud your daughter has grown into a kind and thoughtful woman. How awful and uncomfortable would it be for the step parent to be placed somewhere else away from her husband and imagine how you would feel if roles were reversed. It's just one day, you can do it OP, be kind, be proud, be happy - enjoy the day x

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