Children of the opposite sex in changing rooms

[Gatecrasher61]

OK - firstly I am not a parent (probably shouldn't be on here, but hey ho) so I am happy to be corrected.

Our local swimming pool has open changing rooms, no cubicles. I tend to go swimming after work, which is just before the kids swimming lessons. When the kids arrive, I am normally getting dressed in the changing room after my shower.

Often women come into the changing room with their sons who are between 8-11 and are often greeted with the sight of me starkers! Probably not a good sight as I am middle aged and a size 14 on a good day, but there is no where else to go!

Now I know that other women have complained about this but have been told that the Mums are not happy for their boys to go into the men's changing rooms are they are not able to dress themselves and also don't like them being there with male adults who are strangers.

I learnt to swim when I was six and a half. My Dad used to take me to a swimming club where I had lessons and I had to prove that I could get dry and change myself and also sort out my kit.

Now I realise that boys are different, but is it really appropriate for boys of that age to be in the women's room? Surely they should be able to dress themselves at the age of six or seven?

Morphine - I would have thought "presenting" as male was some sort of conscious decision rather than simply being mistaken for a boy occasionally.

I have a ds who is disabled and 7, I wouldn't change him in a communal changing area, partly because he is in nappies and it would be unfair to him to change him in public. I also wouldn't because it goes against the lesson that I am trying to teach him about his 10 and 11 year old sister's (and other females) right to privacy. When there are no cubicles free we have used the disabled toilet.

And it is not a 'victorian attitude ' or a psychological problem for an 11 year old to feel embarrassed to get naked in front of males, it's a perfectly normal stage of development.

Our pool has cubicles and it is mixed sex, so no issue. But on holiday, I took DS who is under eight into the single sex change with me (he is being assessed for ASD and hates being on his own in new places) - there were cubicles, but I still felt extremely uncomfortable about it.

In some places he knows, he will go himself to the male toilets (which I am not entirely comfortable with either). If he comes with me, he has started explaining to everyone he is with his mum, so he clearly feels like he should not really be there (as he is a boy, plus he is very rule-oriented).

I don't know, he was abused by his dad, so I tend to think the danger can be anywhere, not just random strangers, but it is an awkward stage to navigate singe-sex space as a single, opposite sex parent.

Reading this makes me so glad my local leisure centre only has one changing room with loads of cubicals saves all this worry

Hare Is there not a disabled cubicle you can use?

Somebody up the thread mentioned speaking to pool staff, I think this is a good idea.

Even disabled boys shouldn't be in women's changing room. The pool is required to make reasonable adaptations for those with disabilities and that includes changing facilities. It is not a reasonable adaptation to just assume it's OK for boys who can't dress themselves to use the women's changing room.
Neither is it reasonable for neurotic mothers to assume the rules don't apply to their son because he doesn't want to change alone. How do Icelandic children ever manage with strictly enforced single sex changing and naked showering pre swimming? They seem to cope very well.

I am sure you are a fabulous size 14 with a beautiful body and nothing to be ashamed of. Are you more worried from a self conscious perspective or because you consider the child too old to see a naked body? Hmmm my kids are younger and I have one of each. Not sure yet how I'd feel about my DS going on his own into a changing room yet when he turns 8. I have a niece that age and she doesn't seem mature enough or confident enough to go off on her own in a changing room. Perhaps it's perception.... My pool doesn't have separate male and female changing so I won't experience this for a while.

But on a past thread a well known MN who had a boy with SN of 12 said she didnt want to use the disabled xhanging room, she didnt want him feeling "different" and insisted she had a right to take him in the womans

I think a lot of the comments on here are disgusting, selfish and divisive.

I posted last night that instead of getting upset with each other and making it boys against girls and men against women that we should accept that boys are children and children deserve protecting against the risk of men with perversions, just as women and girls, and other men do.

Why don't all you people who swim and have children actually DO something.

Start a campaignm, a boycott, make a fuss, refuse to accept the totally unecessary inadequate changing rooms. Withdraw your custom and get together to start a campaign. We all want to be protected and safe after all.

All you are doing is falling for the old divide and rule technique - fight amongst each other (when you should be allies) and nothing will ever change.

I have an 8 year old son and he's been changing by himself in the men's changing rooms for about a year. I hate it! I hate sending him to a different part of the building, into a room full of semi naked strangers! A couple of weeks ago, something happened in there that had him so shocked he couldn't speak and his friend in tears.

Having said that, I agree that he shouldn't be in the women's changing rooms. However, he is very tall and could have passed for 8 several years ago - he is taller than an 12 year old boy we know!

As far as I know the disabled cubicles are inside the women's changing rooms (presume it's the same in the men's!) with no separate access. I'll call and double check when they open.

If a boy is over the allowed age then he cannot go in the female changing room. I don't think there can be exceptions on this. My child will always need at least one person with him. This means in practical terms, he cannot use our local pool because the disabled toilet is too far from the pool for him to cope with. We have to go to a further away pool.
I wish a few people would stop with the othering though. It is disgusting that pools do not have accessible changing (imagine not having female changing) and it is everyone's problem.

Hare that is the set up in the pool ds can't use.

Catsatsonthemat - what on earth are you talking about? A fabulous body with nothing to be ashamed about???

Not wanting men and boys in a women's changing room has absolutely nothing to do with "being ashamed"!

So if all our bodies conformed to societies beauty standards we would be happy for them to be seen anytime by anyone?

This issue is about boys and men (as well as some entitled mothers) respecting the boundaries and privacy of women and girls.

naked showering pre-swimming

At the very least, Crumbs this suggests a very different attitude to inter-generational nakedness even within single-sex groups than here.

But yes, if that is true, I wonder how single parents of small boys manage in Iceland.

As for being neurotic - parents of children with invisible disabilities spend much of their lives being judged for apparently poor parenting. It gets to the stage where you can begin to believe it must be you. I have been called all sorts, but that does not change my DS. It won't change any other non-NT child either.

Though I agree that there should be always some kind of screened and private facility for changing, it seems surprising that there would not be.

Bike what happened

I send mine in with his swimmers under the normal clothes and it's really fast

I am going to keep telling myself that the risk is minimal 😖

Over 7s have to go to the mens changing rooms at our pool

This issue is about boys and men (as well as some entitled mothers

It's the mothers here - pease don't put the yokel of male oppression on a Lego playing 8 year old ! Now the reason i stopped taking him was 100% to respect the privacy of the other little girls and women

But my little boy did nothing wrong he just used his eyes it was MY fault for not judging the situation

We are lucky, in that there is a disabled changing facility right next to the pool, unfortunately it is also the nearest toilet in the leisure centre cafe, so is in near constant use by parents with buggies!

The issue is clearly that some pools don't have facilities that make it easy for parents to take opposite sex children swimming and that needs to be addressed, in the meantime people flouting rules and ignoring the feelings and rights of others is certainly not the solution.

Most pools have ratio rules about taking under 8's swimming, I had several under 8 at once so mine only ever went swimming to lessons or when I had family members available to help me. Just because the rules didn't suit my family circumstances didn't mean that they didn't apply to me or that there wasn't a very good reason for them.

I lot of the responses on this thread are very good, a lot of them absolutely stink of entitlement and a complete failure to take other people and their feelings/rights into account.

My son used the men's changing room from age 8, but if I was concerned about his safety or ability to change himself we would have used the disabled loo.

Ds went swimming in Y5 with school at 9 so by then all boys would use male changing rooms so 9'year olds but I think dc should be encouraged to be independent.