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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children of the opposite sex in changing rooms

305 replies

Gatecrasher61 · 02/08/2017 17:20

OK - firstly I am not a parent (probably shouldn't be on here, but hey ho) so I am happy to be corrected.

Our local swimming pool has open changing rooms, no cubicles. I tend to go swimming after work, which is just before the kids swimming lessons. When the kids arrive, I am normally getting dressed in the changing room after my shower.

Often women come into the changing room with their sons who are between 8-11 and are often greeted with the sight of me starkers! Probably not a good sight as I am middle aged and a size 14 on a good day, but there is no where else to go!

Now I know that other women have complained about this but have been told that the Mums are not happy for their boys to go into the men's changing rooms are they are not able to dress themselves and also don't like them being there with male adults who are strangers.

I learnt to swim when I was six and a half. My Dad used to take me to a swimming club where I had lessons and I had to prove that I could get dry and change myself and also sort out my kit.

Now I realise that boys are different, but is it really appropriate for boys of that age to be in the women's room? Surely they should be able to dress themselves at the age of six or seven?

OP posts:
LilyMcClellan · 02/08/2017 23:02

If you have a son over the age of 8 who needs so much help changing that taking him into an open women's changing room is the "only option", you may as well change him poolside. It isn't like he's going to be exposed to a wider group of people that he would be if he sometimes gets changed in the women's rooms and sometimes in the men's.

masterchef98 · 02/08/2017 23:07

I have an 8 year old (looks 10+) and a 4 year old. 8 year old can dress himself and would be more embarrassed about being naked In front of other people than interested in looking at them. But being tbe paranoid person I am I would not be happy to send him into changing rooms on his own. More family/changing cubicles is obviously the way to go as for everyones sake I would use those if available.

EnthusiasticEdna · 02/08/2017 23:10

My dd has always dressed as and presented as male and now she's 11 she gets incredibly nervous about going into female changing rooms because occasionally she is challenged and she often gets funny looks. She is not male and should not be in male changing rooms. For so many reasons there should be facilities that protect everyone's privacy.

elevenclips · 02/08/2017 23:26

For all those who say 8yo boys should go into the men's changing rooms unaccompanied, please could you explain how this works when compared with school safeguarding? Shouldn't parents be safeguarding their kids in the exact same way? If a female teacher took a trip (let's say 8yos) of 5 girls and 1 boy swimming and sent the boy to the men's alone, the teacher would not have safeguarded the boy. How then is a mum supposed to safeguard the same 8yo.

It is disgusting that there are not proper family facilities and that mothers are demonised and ridiculed for wanting to look after their primary school boy.

cuirderussie · 02/08/2017 23:26

Enthusiastic, I'm confused, how does a girl child present or dress as male? When I was that age I had short hair and jeans but I was simply a girl with short hair and jeans. Unless short hair is inherently male? I don't understand how she's confused with a boy or maybe everything is so rigidly gendered nowadays that people think girls = long hair.

Our local pool had to put up a sign telling adult males they weren't allowed in the female changing rooms because some cheeky fuckers thought they could casually stroll in with their daughters :-(

Lazybones12 · 02/08/2017 23:31

My 6 and 9 year old go to the mens changing room and I go to the ladies with my 4 year old. 6 year old only goes as bigger brother can lend a hand. 9 year old has been going on his own since 7.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/08/2017 23:35

My DD has ASD. She is 9 but tall and is developing fast. She gets acutely embarrassed about boys in the changing room seeing her body. What about her needs?

Exactly.

If people can't or won't send their sons over 8 to the men's, they need to use the family change room, change when they get home, or find another pool. That's all there is to it, as far as I'm concerned.

Otherwise it's just another instance of women and girls being told they have to 'accommodate' males.

clippityclock · 02/08/2017 23:36

I've found this thread quite interesting. My DS is 7 nearly 8 and I feel he is uncomfortable changing in the ladies at our gym that has a couple of cubicles. He always goes into the cubicle but seems uncomfortable with seeing women changing when we are leaving or the fact that I don't go into a cubicle to change.

Today there were teenagers in the changing rooms (we haven't been members of this gym long so never experienced this) and I felt it was not fair to them or my DS (at age where very impressed/intrigued by teenagers) to go through the whole changing process. However, he has no male in his life that would show him the male changing rooms etc.

I was wondering whether it would be acceptable to ask the staff to show him into the changing rooms and the way to the pool?? He is more than capable of getting changed by himself and we've had talks about his personal safety as he prefers to go into male toilets so not so worried on that score.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2017 23:39

Clippity - I work at a pool. That is perfectly acceptable and a good idea.

nolongersurprised · 02/08/2017 23:39

eleven but primary school aged girls have often started puberty. They may not want other primary school boys in their changing spaces. Mine don't. Personally, at 40 plus I don't care at all but my daughters do.

nolongersurprised · 02/08/2017 23:42

And I agree that if you don't want your NT, non physically disabled 8 plus year old boy to change in the men's then you think of a solution that doesn't involve changing with girls and women.

It's a good early life lesson about respecting girls' needs for privacy and learning that what they prefer doesn't trump what girls if the same age should have a right to.

Nonibaloni · 02/08/2017 23:45

Sorry if I've missed it but is the situation at op's pool male changing and comunial changing?

Because that's the only issue I see. No separate female space but a male only space.

chipmonkey · 03/08/2017 00:18

Every pool should have one large changing area with mostly individual cubicles but with some large family cubicles. Arranging it like that doesn't necessarily take up any more space than two separate changing rooms and would cater for everyone.

And like another poster, my dh has also died. Sometimes there are perfectly valid reasons why a mother might be at the pool alone with her sons.

Dumdedumdum · 03/08/2017 00:27

Why is it 8? Why not 7, or 9? Just wondering what makes 8 the cut off? (I have a 10 year old, I would definitely say by 9 he was ready and wanted always to use male changing and toilets, at 7 and 8 it depended more on if he'd been there before. He is also tall and will probably have looked older than he is.

iloveruby · 03/08/2017 00:57

What does present as male mean?

Morphene · 03/08/2017 01:56

Anyone who can't stand being seen naked so much they don't want to go swimming anymore needs psychological help more than they need everywhere in the world to build a special cubicle for them.

Morphene · 03/08/2017 01:57

ilove it means that when people look at the they assume they are male.

My DD is this way inclined in spite of sporting long hair in a plait. People often ask her if she's a boy or a girl.

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2017 05:17

For the YABU's - Why should women and girls shut up and accommodate the precious boy child?

If its the case that there aren't suitable family changing rooms then complain about this and whilst its resolved, go to another pool. What makes you think a developing girl for instance, in a FEMALE not male changing room, won't feel uncomfortable with boys her age or even older in there? What if boychild himself feels uncomfortable, actually?

Why can't you put a towel round him and change him poolside?

At school your DC attends do boys & girls particularly aged 8+, get changed together for swimming and PE? I doubt it. Why should it be different for leisure swimming?

Go somewhere that accommodates families.

Contrived first world problems ...

FanjoForTheMammaries · 03/08/2017 05:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nolongersurprised · 03/08/2017 05:47

morphene why do you equate a girl being self conscious about her changing body with "Victorian attitudes". I don't think my daughters need psychological help because they're currently shy about their bodies, they do need spaces where they can change without boys their own age potentially looking at them.

I'd say it's a fairly normal developmental stage - being a bit shy as a girl in early puberty. Presumably you're aware of cultures where 11 year old girls with breasts and pubic hair don't care if boys their own age see them getting changed?

HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 03/08/2017 06:25

That's a little over simplistic don't you think Koala?

There is no 'family' changing area in the pool in our city. It's male or female.
Change when you get home...so I'm supposed to take my DS outside in his swim shorts for a 10 min walk (in winter) to the bus stop, wait ten mins for the bus, 15 minute trip home, then 5 minute walk. That's just a ridiculous suggestion.
There is not another pool within half an hour from us.

I presume as my DS is now at the age where he is not longer a cute little child he must be hidden away for the good of society. He cannot be left unattended around a pool (or anywhere really). It is simply not safe. So I wouldn't even be able to change him poolside as you can't access the pools without going through the changing rooms.

iloveruby · 03/08/2017 06:36

Haretoday - "hidden away from society"?? That is a bit hysterical! No one is suggesting that you hide your son in an attic, simply that you respect the rights and needs of others in your community- namely girls and women who are using the public facilities as they have been designed for - as female changing spaces.

If your local swimming pool does not accommodate your son sufficiently then take it up with them - it is not the responsibility of girls to put their discomfort aside for the sake your son being able to go swimming.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 03/08/2017 06:40

"
I presume as my DS is now at the age where he is not longer a cute little child he must be hidden away for the good of society. "

Hmm No, that's not what people are saying at all. But pre-teen males (8?) and older have no place in the female changing rooms. His needs don't trump all the women and girls who believe they are changing in a sex segregated area.
nolongersurprised · 03/08/2017 06:49

Where I live in Australia they've just allocated $ to upgrading women's changing rooms in sporting grounds as needing to change with boys and men has been identified as a barrier to girls continuing with sport.

morphene I can imagine the referral letter to the psychologist.

Dear Psychologist,

Thank you for your urgent review of Daisy aged 11 years. She has developed extreme social anxiety which is unusual in that it is quite situation specific, limited only to swimming in a particular pool. It is sufficiently severe that she no longer wishes to swimin this pool, yet is happy to swim with squad at school.

Daisy attributes this to feeling self conscious in the public pool changing rooms which commenced when several boys in her year at school saw her without clothes on. These boys were there with their mothers and it is unlikely that they were looking at Daisy specifically because as you know most 8-10 year old boys are very immature and uninterested in physical differences between the sexes. Daisy has early pubertal changes but I don't this this is a contributing factor in her presentation.

I am concerned about this frankly confusing and sudden onset of situation specific anxiety and would appreciate your input. It is, of course, imperative that Daisy always feel comfortable being naked in front of children she knows.

With kind regards,

no doctor ever

HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 03/08/2017 06:53

It's alright. I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that within the next year or so I simply won't be able to take my DC swimming any more. It is frustrating especially as my DD loves it and is desperate to practice all the time.

And no, unless you were watching my DS very closely whilst he was getting dressed, (why would you?) you wouldn't notice he has difficulty with even the simplest clothes. Probably not register he has only pull on/too large things. Or of course, unless you heard him speak. And he's a 7 year old who wears age 10 clothes, so people assume he's older than he is.