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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children of the opposite sex in changing rooms

305 replies

Gatecrasher61 · 02/08/2017 17:20

OK - firstly I am not a parent (probably shouldn't be on here, but hey ho) so I am happy to be corrected.

Our local swimming pool has open changing rooms, no cubicles. I tend to go swimming after work, which is just before the kids swimming lessons. When the kids arrive, I am normally getting dressed in the changing room after my shower.

Often women come into the changing room with their sons who are between 8-11 and are often greeted with the sight of me starkers! Probably not a good sight as I am middle aged and a size 14 on a good day, but there is no where else to go!

Now I know that other women have complained about this but have been told that the Mums are not happy for their boys to go into the men's changing rooms are they are not able to dress themselves and also don't like them being there with male adults who are strangers.

I learnt to swim when I was six and a half. My Dad used to take me to a swimming club where I had lessons and I had to prove that I could get dry and change myself and also sort out my kit.

Now I realise that boys are different, but is it really appropriate for boys of that age to be in the women's room? Surely they should be able to dress themselves at the age of six or seven?

OP posts:
SisterhoodisPowerful · 02/08/2017 19:21

(Also, pools should be forced into changing rooms to cubicles for the privacy of everyone including disabled adults who have a career, women with young sons or sons who need extra support. It shouldn't need for parents with disabled children to campaign for the changes. No new pools and sports centres should be built without cubicles. And councils then need to look at funding to change existing facilities).

HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 02/08/2017 19:22

But surely you can see that isn't possible for all families boston? My DS is nearly 8 (I just checked the pool regulations and it isn't mentioned) and he can't get himself changed by himself. DH works and I'm a SAHM. Can hardly expect him to come home for 2 hours in the middle of the day for an entire week so I can take DD to her swim class.

hazeyjane · 02/08/2017 19:23

Bloody hell Boston, surely all poolsshould have disabled access?! That's appalling!

Girty999 · 02/08/2017 19:25

Mine can dress themselves but when you're still wet it's tricky and they would have everything soaked on the floor, my eldest is 11 and has asd and I don't feel comfortable having my children unsupervised and naked with strangers, I always go in first and see if anyone is naked, I also put them in a corner and watch they don't stand staring, we would always use facilities for families if they were provided but I do feel there should be cubicles for this very reason, and not every lady wants to get changed in front of other ladies x

MiladyThesaurus · 02/08/2017 19:28

DS2 is 7 and he refuses to go into the women's changing rooms any more. In fact, he is embarrassed about DH being there when he's getting changed before and after swimming club. The other boys (who are 9-11) get changed in their own and he doesn't want to be the little boy whose dad is there.

Roundandroundtheapartment · 02/08/2017 19:28

We have unisex changing here so all cubicles. My DS is 8 but looks a bit older as he's quite tall.
when we went away I would still take him into the female with me - there were was an open area and then a few curtained cubicles which he went in to use and then would wait in there until me and dd were ready.
I'm a lone parent so if I sent him into the male changing rooms my issue is that I wouldn't be able to go in and check on him if there were any problems (and unfortunately there seems to be so many reports of children being photographed etc)
but I also realise that in 2 years time he will be hitting puberty age and having sex Ed at school so will need to go into the male changing rooms

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2017 19:33

It is extremely selfish to allow an NT over 8 male in to the female changing rooms.

You are thinking only of yourselves and whether or not you are comfortable, and that is selfish.

Think about other people.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2017 19:40

Roundandround- do you not see how selfish you're being?? You're aware that in two years time he'll have to go in males because HE'LL be going through puberty. But you're not giving a shiny shit about the ten year old girl who's currently going through puberty and doesn't want a similar ages boy in the changing room with her.

doobree · 02/08/2017 19:43

I do think boys under 14 or 15 may be vulnerable in male changing rooms. Especially if on their own. Small risk perhaps but not zero so there absolutely needs to be family changing.

I cannot understand why family changing hasn't been brought in everywhere by now. It puts fathers and daughters but particularly mothers and sons in a really tough position. I think we would all agree that it is far safer for a dad to let his daughter go into the women's changing room alone than for a young boy to be sent into the men's alone.

Unfortunately it could be the case that the boys have very good reasons to not want to change alone with grown men. I would feel uncomfortable with boys on the women's, but would put the boys' safety ahead of my comfort - they are children still and not able to defend themselves.

If the boys have additional needs then using the disabled cubicle is OK.

Shocking that this situation is still forced on some people.

doobree · 02/08/2017 19:52

It really isn;t necessary for their to be deabte over where children get changed it is not a sex/ gender issue, boys and girls are children so this is a children's safety issue.

I think everyone could agree that we need family changing and instead of falling onto the trap of arguing over boys vs girls, we should all just campaign with the utmost vehemence for family changing.

We need angles to put pressure on clubs/ leisure centres; could there be a liability issue for a venue if a lone boy was forced to be sent into the men's because there was no family changing and then abused? Failure to identify and reduce the (obvious) risk? Unfortunately it is money that can be a strong motivation.

soapboxqueen · 02/08/2017 19:53

YANBU to expect a expect changing room to only have females in it with the exception of boys under a certain age.

My local pool has a changing village so it isn't a problem. I have a ds(8) with asd and he certainly couldn't get changed without supervision and would be far too vulnerable to predators. If there were only open changing spaces, I wouldn't be able to take him.

Yes some pools have a disabled changing rooms however I wouldn't use them unless it was an emergency. Mainly because I don't want an argument when my ds doesn't look disabled enough or have to make public his private medical information in order to justify the use of a changing room. Also I've noticed some people leave their belongings in them rather than use a locker, particularly if they use a chair. I'm not criticising them for that because it might be the only way for them but it puts the room out of use.

RiverTam · 02/08/2017 19:56

Perhaps men could lead the way in doing this, given that it's the men's that many people don't want their sons in alone, imposing them on women and girls instead.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/08/2017 19:58

RiverTam

It seems to be a throw back the days of 'stranger danger'. Where the figures actually show a different story.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 02/08/2017 20:00

It's all very well but some leisure centres are really pushed for space. If ours had to go all cubicle it would massively reduce the capacity and there's no way they could create a third area. One mother changes her son in the corridor because he is too old for the girls' and he presumably can't go alone for whatever reason.
Also, we are a rural town so you can't simply go to a different pool - it would be miles and miles.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 02/08/2017 20:01

Also, this thing about putting them in a onesie - is this people who drive to the pool? I can't imagine walking or going on the bus like that!

RiverTam · 02/08/2017 20:05

Well, the figures show that something like 90% of violent crime and 98% of sexual crime is committed by men. And we live in a society steeped in toxic masculinity - just look at the Ched Evans case. I agree there's an element of exaggerated stranger danger which I'm happy to ignore on my own behalf but wouldn't on my child's necessarily.

What I don't agree with is women and girls being thrown under the bus as a solution.

Spikeyball · 02/08/2017 20:05

At my local pool with no unisex changing, if you have an opposite sex carer you are told to use the disabled toilet in the cafe/viewing area. Space for a cafe being more important that an accessible changing room apparently.

doobree · 02/08/2017 20:08

What's needed is some real action - protest and placards, lobbying the council, creating some actual inconvenience. Making a fuss and a big deal about this. Families campaigning outside the venues.

You know no one will do anything/ spend the money if they can get away without it and everyone getting arsey amongst themselves and going along with it jus lets them off the hook. The only way is to make a real fuss. And I am saying this as someone who does not swim or have children!

Alltheprettyseahorses · 02/08/2017 20:12

I think any danger in the men's changing room is really exaggerated. After all, in a very few years, these boys in women's changing rooms will be the ones the next lot of over-precious mothers will be fretting about.

Either way, there are only bad lessons for boys to learn. 1) men are all predators and 2) they trump girls. Every time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/08/2017 20:13

RiverTam

and the majority of sexual abuse is by close male family members or stepfathers.

So by your reasoning women shouldn't send their DS in to the changing room with and uncle or stepfather.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/08/2017 20:14

Rivertam
What I don't agree with is women and girls being thrown under the bus as a solution.

I do agree with this as well.

Crumbs1 · 02/08/2017 20:15

I would just tell the mother to take the child out of the changing room after about 7 years of age. Unless the have significant disabilities they should be perfectly capable of changing themselves after about five years of age when wet. How do they manage at school swimming lessons if they can't get changed?
Unfair to all to drag them into the women's changing rooms.

Notreallyarsed · 02/08/2017 20:18

DS1 had just finished his swimming lesson and I'd gone into labour with DS2 (very bloody quickly, an hour and I was having contractions 5 minutes apart) and the pool was miles from home. He was taking an age to get ready so I opened the door a tiny bit, facing the opposite direction so as not to offend anyone and called "DS1 can you hurry up please? Mum needs to get to hospital!" A man shouted "fuck off this is the men's changing room!" (Fair enough) and I responded "I'm very sorry but unless you'd like to help me to give birth I need my son to hurry up!" Poor man didn't know what to say when I saw him a week later with DS2 in my arms Grin

doobree · 02/08/2017 20:19

Boney you are right, but equally changing rooms are an easy target for men with perversions. They dont have to have any other excuse to be near young boys other than wanting to change their clothes - they would have access to naked/ semi naked boys without making any real effort. Its making me shudder to type it but it is true.

It is no different really than women not wanting to get naked alongside unknown men.

bostonkremekrazy · 02/08/2017 20:31

HareTodayDragonTomorrow - you make it possible I'm afraid....you want your DD to do an intensive week of lessons? you find someone to have your DS , or you teach him to change himself if he also wants to swim....if he's 7 no problems....once he's 8 he belongs in the male changing.

once DS was 8 DH came home from work 2 hours early each week - met me at the pool to be able to be in the male changing room. Because that is the appropriate thing to do for DS - and the 8 year old+ GIRLS trying to change.

hazeyjane - no disabled access as its a local school pool - you also cannot get a double buggy through the changing room door which further complicates the matter! .......but the teachers understand our children's special needs more than the teachers at the pool with the disabled access, so its better for the kids once we actually access the pool :)