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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - 'wife work'

148 replies

MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 16:32

Is it just me?

I got married a year ago. Co-habited for a couple of years before that. Since I've had a ring on my finger I've noticed a shift from his family/friends. They now seem to assume that as Wife, I am responsible for all family/social planning. They no longer seem to email/text him to arrange social plans but send them to me instead. Why am I now his secretary?

OP posts:
newdaddie · 02/08/2017 16:33

Maybe they want to be friends?

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2017 16:39

It's not just you. It's a well documented phenomenon.

Keep redirecting them to him. I hope he understands that this is an issue. Also everyday sexism.

Kursk · 02/08/2017 16:41

As a general rule the it seems the female of the household manages the family calendar.

Kursk · 02/08/2017 16:42

I like it personally, but I am a bit of a control freak!

Aspieparent · 02/08/2017 16:43

I get this too. I am the one who gets the snotty messages if he forgets to send birthday cards i do remind him. Also if they plan something they go though me.

ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 16:44

Have you put them straight OP?

Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 16:46

It's bloody annoying! I am not his social secretary and already refuse to pick up that role with his family (it isn't my responsibility to get b'day cards and pressies for them... that's a slippery slope I've just about avoided.)

So far I am studiously not picking up the ball on these invitations as I agree that's its everyday sexism and can see how easy it is the fall into that role.

He's 39 and perfectly capable of an RSVP.

(And breathe...)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 16:48

Oh yes aspie when we got engaged he spent weeks complaining that we hadn't been down to visit his parents. I did remind him that I'd suggested one weekend and he'd said no, so I'd left the arrangements up to him.

Apparently that should have been my job!

OP posts:
Pinky333777 · 02/08/2017 16:49

A quick reply saying you're not sure, they should contact him should sort it.... Did he tell them to ask you maybe??

thatstoast · 02/08/2017 16:51

Yes, it's a pain. My reply to everything wifeworky is "DH is dealing with this, it's best to ask him directly."

Parker231 · 02/08/2017 16:51

We have an unwritten rule - I sort out cards, presents, organizing events for my friends and side of the family and DH does the same for his.

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 16:52

How annoying.

I must admit to speaking to DSIL rather than DB for such things, but that's due to him being useless rather than male. As a rule I wouldn't do this.

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 16:54

It's absolutely not your job to organise his family visits! I hope you gave him clear instructions for future reference!

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 02/08/2017 16:56

Same as Parker, we organise our own friends' and family's things.
Sometimes DSil will contact me but we are friendly and see each other and chat about our kids.
His family is his responsibility. Don't even know when all their birthdays are...

Blondefancy · 02/08/2017 16:57

I'm not even married to my dp, we live together and have a dd though. I've noticed a running theme, specifically within the last 2 years, that his family contact me in regards to get-togethers (they live a 5 hr drive away), RSVP's and the newest edition is what my dp would like for his birthday's and xmas?! He will honestly not bother replying otherwise to the point that the family ends up contacting me anyway 🙄 I understand your frustration!

wordy17 · 02/08/2017 16:58

But surely 'his' family are now 'your' family now too if you're married to each other?

rhodia · 02/08/2017 16:59

I notice this too, its the same with cleaning. He says to stop worrying about the housework or cleaning before his family come over but if the loo is less than spotless its not him who will get judged!

Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 17:00

wordy yes we're married, but that doesn't mean their birthdays become my sole responsibility! Balls to that!

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 17:02

Meh I'll buy a card if I'm in the supermarket and I remember it's one of DH's relatives birthday. It's nothing to me and it helps DH out. If I don't remember then it's fine, they either get a card or not.

Alpacaandgo · 02/08/2017 17:03

I personally like being the one in charge of this sort of stuff and then I just delegate the bits out I don't want to do! We don't have a 'yours' and 'mine' family to be honest. His family have become my family and vice versa.

mychildhasmoremoneythanme · 02/08/2017 17:03

I've got the opposite problem. DP arranges all his stuff directly with family and friends without consulting the 'family calendar' - available to him at all times on the iPhone. Cue clashed visits and/or last minute cancellations for someone. I'd much rather he or I take responsibility for all enquiries, invites or planning!!

Hulder · 02/08/2017 17:03

I got it too. I refused to do it. This was seen as so bad by my MIL that she got me a family birthdays diary for my birthday Angry

In the end I got my DM to put her straight and she stopped it.

If everyone hadn't done it automatically, it probably wouldn't have pissed me off so much - I now quite like organizing meet ups with my BIL and SIL but the automatic assumption that I and only I would do it, and remember everyone's sodding birthdays made me so mad to begin with it set back our relationships years.

mychildhasmoremoneythanme · 02/08/2017 17:04

rhodia I get this too and it drives me crazy. Same with having people for dinner.

BannedFromNarnia · 02/08/2017 17:05

We have a strict family demarcation as well - I'm not his social secretary, he can send his own mother a birthday card from both of us.

Luckily his mother, who I get on with very well, understands perfectly my feelings on this issue and whilst she always gets a cheery birthday text from me she knows who to blame when no card turns up.

And she knows who's amazon prime account enables the arrival of presents her son so loving picked out ten minutes before the delivery deadline the night before ;-)

gingercat02 · 02/08/2017 17:08

I do family admin ie school and child related shot. Mainly because I do all the school runs (work pt and locally) so I know the school and parents. I do my family and my friends he inherited joint friends