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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - 'wife work'

148 replies

MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 16:32

Is it just me?

I got married a year ago. Co-habited for a couple of years before that. Since I've had a ring on my finger I've noticed a shift from his family/friends. They now seem to assume that as Wife, I am responsible for all family/social planning. They no longer seem to email/text him to arrange social plans but send them to me instead. Why am I now his secretary?

OP posts:

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 13:34

I wouldn't rewire or plumb a whole house, as it would take me ages, but I am the one who does basic electrics, plumbing and most diy/decorating. DP is better now as he's been able to learn as he goes, but I am more practical and have more experience so I've had to guide him through a lot of stuff.

Heavy lifting would rarely wait for him - it's rare that I wouldn't be able to shift a big piece of furniture on my own. I'm 5'1" but know how to lift. I did stop doing all that sort of thing at the end of my last pregnancy when my bump got in the way too much, but have carried heavy loads with the baby in the sling countless times since.

I don't really know what 'husband work' would be. But I also don't know anyone who is doesn't work unless they're looking after the children.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 13:38

Oooooohyes Do you mean when family want a different relationship when you have children? I've been waffling about quite a lot so just trying to pin it down.

OOAOML · 03/08/2017 13:44

I think there has to be a real shift so that women who for obvious reasons reject wife work, also play their part in financial support of their marital partnership once their children are at school.Or, allow their husbands to take a less demanding, part time but financially less rewarding job to concentrate on their duties at home.

I'm doing well on these counts then, as I earn double what DH does. Although there is no way either of us would re-wire or plumb a whole house, I'm the one who deals with minor plumbing like washing machine installation. I still don't send cards to my DH's relatives, and despite being at home longer hours than me, he doesn't send cards to mine.

JoshLymanJr · 03/08/2017 13:49

I don't really know what 'husband work' would be.

From my own experience it's being left with pretty much everything which involves any kind of technical, practical knowledge. For example, if DW is home with DCs and our eldest's bike chain comes off at 9am, it will stay like that until I come home at 7pm - same goes with leaky taps, fuses or (in some instances) lightbulbs. Our home is an old, cheaply built place which requires fairly constant maintenance, and DW has constant requests for elaborate and time-consuming additions (like a patio or underfloor heating) so I'm responsible for every lick of paint or shovel of sand.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 13:52

Well done on building your house Anatidae - I'd love to do that. I liked your safety/softy autocorrect, and actually think it's much better. 'I don't think it's wise I break up that concrete in this drizzle - softy reasons'!

Anatidae · 03/08/2017 14:02

Ha! Sodding autocorrect. It asked dh if he'd like suicide for dinner once. I meant quiche 😳

By the end I was heavily pregnant with spd and then, yeah, I'd farm out the lifting of anything heavier than a cuppa to anyone I could.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 14:06

So just regular practical stuff, Josh? I'd do all the smaller things you mention - we have a new build flat so no massive works here, but I wouldn't consider doing it myself right now as with a toddler I'm doing everything in short bursts then have to clean it all away - so paint a section of a room/sand old bit of furniture/repair appliance at nap time but have to put it all away and then continue when she's in bed. A patio would take me forever in fits and starts. I get hot feet so would probably hate underfloor heating. I do sometimes consider waiting for DP to come home to change a lightbulb as he is a foot taller than me, but I've never actually followed through.

JoshLymanJr · 03/08/2017 14:17

So just regular practical stuff, Josh?

We split pretty much all the housework, cooking etc. I'm furrowing my brow at a lot of the responses to this thread as it would never occur to me that my wife was responsible for buying birthday cards, etc. I'd be lying if I said we split day-to-day household tasks 50:50, but as near as dammit.

However, DW does have a very fixed idea that certain things are 'man's work' and doesn't touch them.

I do sometimes consider waiting for DP to come home to change a lightbulb as he is a foot taller than me, but I've never actually followed through.

Full disclosure - the lightbulb thing happened twice. I included it for dramatic effect.

GameOldBirdz · 03/08/2017 14:21

My new year's resolution this year was to not send any of his family's greetings cards. I don't mind writing them (he has terrible writing) or posting them if I'm going past a postbox and he's not but (a) I refuse to do the organising (i.e. remembering, buying) and (b) he has to ask me.

So guess what? All this year's cards for his family have been late and he didn't even send his mum one because he forgot which has caused all sorts of friction between them.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 14:22

By the end of my first pregnancy I was a week overdue and my arms barely extended beyond my bump. Even boxes that weighed nothing were dangerous as there was nowhere to put them except right in front of my face. I tried to tighten a loose screw under the sink at one point and nearly had to resign myself to living down there.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 14:35

Full disclosure - the lightbulb thing happened twice. I included it for dramatic effect

In that case I shan't feel bad about it. Particularly as I hate those GU10 bastards. Unless new fancies doing it - he is an Olympic lightbulb changer!

gillybeanz · 03/08/2017 14:55

I think if you use the term "wifework" you only have yourself to blame.
It isn't wifework
I don't call all the things dh does husband work, even though I know they are the jobs that many of my friends husbands take over when they become married.
If you don't want a role or responsibility whether you are wife or husband, just tell them this.

seven201 · 03/08/2017 15:13

My in-law family tried this with me. I made it clear to them that dealing with my own family was stressful enough! I refuse to get drawn into being in-charge of birthday cards etc for his side.

JoshLymanJr · 03/08/2017 15:17

Particularly as I hate those GU10 bastards.

My mum insists on using the energy saving ones you get from our local Tesco - they don't use excess energy, they don't need replacing very often...they don't light the house properly.

13Bastards · 03/08/2017 15:27

If I left it up to DH we would go no where.

It was like this before we married though.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 15:29

Ours are pretty good LEDs, just annoying as they're the extra long ones and are fiddly as all hell to put in. It's a bloody good job you hardly have to change them or our house would be a much swearier place.

Oooooohyes · 03/08/2017 16:58

Basket yes, when they've been happy with twice a year for fifteen years and suddenly expect a full four day weekend every month. It's almost offensive!

Lou573 · 03/08/2017 17:14

Oooooohyes - we had exactly this as well. MiL expecting we would spend my mat leave hanging out together with no prior discussion!

PickAChew · 03/08/2017 19:24

I don't see many women taking responsibility for traditional male roles in the house

I did all the diy when I was with lazy ex.

I'd do more now, but I've lost much of the strength in my hands, so I default to the more delicate jobs, like singing only the doorframe and not everything else you walk past or look at which DH is a bugger for. He did a half decent job of replacing the damaged one that was there previously, though, once I'd helped him to figure out how it worked. That is what playing to your strengths and working together is about, not just completely abdicating responsibility for something.

And dh is helping out his elderly mum a lot but, despite him taking the main responsibility for presents and cards for his own family, that doesn't preclude me from having my own relationship with her, providing support where needed and encouraging her to seek help for health problems she's been having.

He forgot his sister's anniversary today. The Muppet forgot to ask Google to give him an advance warning. He told me after he'd sent the apologetic text, though, because he's a grown up who doesn't need a woman to bail him out where his user error has tripped him up.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 20:16

Lou573 and Oooooohyes

I find it hard as visits are more logistically difficult now - whichever way round it is, and when they're here instead of a long weekend where they amuse themselves while we're at work (we're in London so they would often visit to see a particular exhibition or something) I end up entertaining half the time. They've also started caring about special occasions that they didn't before. I've never known DP visit them for Easter, but this year they were put out that we visited my mum - which was the first time since Christmas, and we'd seen PIL a few times in the meantime - and thought we should 'just pop over' one day. It's a 2 hour journey each way, which is a lot of travelling for a toddler who is also doing a 4 hour trip twice over a long weekend. It would make 3 of the 4 days basically just travelling. We did say no to that one, but I know they think it's not 'fair'.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/08/2017 10:46

I have a large, but not very close family. I only have to worry about DM, DF and DB for presents. But at christmas I have over 100 cards to send, and I do all this.
DH has a small, but closer knit family. He does cards and presents for his DF, DM, DS, DBiL, their kids, a couple of aunts and uncles. But at christmas his card list isn't much bigger than that.
We do our own, always have done.
But I occassionally pick up a card or present for one of his family members as I know them well and I browse in shops more.
He doesn't browse shops as much as me, so he doesn't do that.
He probably does more overall on balance. And he sorts out most of the house admin (although he doesn't like it, I hate it more).
His family have never expected me to do things or blamed me when he's forgotten, which I think is thing here.

Euripidesralph · 04/08/2017 11:01

My stbxdh's family tried this....it's genuinely bizarre

I'm a massive proponent of there not being any such thing as men's and women's work (and absolutely I include DIY etc....why in buggering name would I leave oil changes and lightbulbs to someone else because of their gender....unless they can change a lightbulb with their penis....and in which case questions would be asked .....why wouldn't I do it)

And lots of women agree and then promptly do this....send the cards wrap the presents screw that

I find it surreal that most women don't raise an eyebrow at this and ask if they have lost their ever loving minds?

Surely it's who has most time or connection....marriage is a partnership surely ?

KatharinaRosalie · 04/08/2017 11:56

the traditional male roles is not really the same thing as expecting the wife to take over sending cards on behalf of husband to his great aunt. I can't think of too many traditionally male things that husbands take over and that solely benefit the wife. You might change the light bulb but unless it's a room you never enter, it's not something you do for your wife, is it.

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