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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - 'wife work'

148 replies

MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 16:32

Is it just me?

I got married a year ago. Co-habited for a couple of years before that. Since I've had a ring on my finger I've noticed a shift from his family/friends. They now seem to assume that as Wife, I am responsible for all family/social planning. They no longer seem to email/text him to arrange social plans but send them to me instead. Why am I now his secretary?

OP posts:
gingercat02 · 02/08/2017 17:09

FFS fat fingers! He does his own family and friends or they don't get done. Don't give in OP

newdaddie · 02/08/2017 17:11

I agree with @wordy17. If you're married I assume that means you're a team so whoever is the best at something takes the lion(esse)s of doing that thing.

dMIL doesn't think ooooh 'Everyday Sexism' when she calls me up in the middle of the night for a household repair. She does it because I'm better at it and I'm married to her daughter and that makes me her family.

If you're not a team player then the answers simple.

LTB

2014newme · 02/08/2017 17:13

We each do our own families.
Forward their emails to him
Reply with friendly message that you've forwarded their email to dh.

MiddlingMum · 02/08/2017 17:13

How bizarre. I don't think I even know when any of DH's relations have birthdays, he's always sorted out cards, and presents for the little ones. I'm happy to sign cards if he remembers to ask me.

AlpacaLypse · 02/08/2017 17:14

If it's something that involves both of us or the children I tend to do most of it. This is because I am much more organised than DP. For a start I actually open emails more than once a week...

If it's his family and friends he deals with it. Except for major events. SIL contacted me privately just before her wedding to say that actually it was going to be 2.30 but she'd sent a special invitation to us with 2 pm on it as he's got such form for being late and could I please back it up.

As it was I had to give in and tell him the truth when he started driving like a lunatic at 5 past 2 for a 15 minute journey. I was frightened he was going to crash!

He was very grumpy with both of us at first but his time keeping noticeably improved afterwards.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/08/2017 17:16

It's got nothing to do with being a 'team player', has it? Hmm Presumably the OP's husband is perfectly capable of doing this stuff, or the OP wouldn't be telling us the change happened when she married, would she?

It's not the same thing as your MIL being incompetent at DIY, unless that's also a state of affairs that suddenly sprung into being with your marriage to her daughter?

LightHeartedThread · 02/08/2017 17:16

Yeah me too. I did it when his family were nice to me.

The day they told him to leave me I quit that role. So they either sort things through him or not at all.

Sil is different. She's lovely and so I happy to sort stuff through her for us to,see bil.

TonicAndTonic · 02/08/2017 17:17

I started getting this as soon as DP and I moved in together, so I think some people see it as 'woman work', not just 'wife work'! Annoying that is seems to be mostly other women making the assumption Angry

FairfaxAikman · 02/08/2017 17:19

Most of our coils stuff as a couple is arranged through me, but that's because I have FB and DH doesn't.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 02/08/2017 17:20

I ask my dh to contact his dbro re what to get their ds for birthday, he doesn't understand how annoyed I am when he contacts sil instead?! Fgs how hard is it to text your only sibling!
I've washed my hands of their everyday now it's up to him to remember it. Not sure they realise though, I get dirty looks for every late birthday card

Jaxhog · 02/08/2017 17:21

It's in the small print. I soon put a stop to it though.

Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 17:26

I'm glad it's not just me!

We are a team. I do ALL the household admin as I just get in with it and he faffs.

But I draw the line at being responsible for maintaining his relationships and his social life. He is perfectly capable of doing it himself and I really don't want to pander to the expectation that my uterus makes me accountable for all this stuff!

OP posts:
SheepyFun · 02/08/2017 17:29

I remember a colleague saying it's normally the women of the family who keep things going socially, and that she'd had much better birthday presents since her sons got married.

Fortunately I'd recognised the trap before we got married (when DH was 30, so more than capable of working out who to send cards/presents to when - or not, as he wished), so have refused to be sucked in. None of his family contact me about visits, unless they're coming to see me when he's at work (even I concede that's probably my job!), and he retains responsibility for birthday cards and presents!

MorrisZapp · 02/08/2017 17:30

I couldn't tell you what month my mil has her birthday in. Is there a calendar handed over or something?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 02/08/2017 17:32

I was watching Suits last night.
One of the characters says to his girlfriend " you don't need to clean up for me, I live here too"

Every child should be taught to live by those words.
It is helping out, when you are a kid. But it is your job and responsibility to hoover the fuck up or cook a meal or take the bins out when you are an adult.
Regardless of whether you are room mates or married or siblings or whomever living together.
Don't be a fucking slob

Loopytiles · 02/08/2017 17:33

Doing all the household admin: why? If he "faffs" he needs to improve! If you plan to have DC suggest addressing this: the dull but important admin multiplies and you have much less time.

Lalalandfill · 02/08/2017 17:34

I remember getting this years ago with a boyfriend, I wasn't even living with him, and someone arsily contacted me asking if we'd be attending their wedding. I knew nothing about it, not having received the invitation

Now I am married I take it for granted, though I refuse to do presents for Its - that is dh's reponsibility

JaneEyre70 · 02/08/2017 17:34

Start as you mean to go on!! I sort out my family, he sorts out his. And no crossing that line Grin.

Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 17:37

Loopy because I pick my battles. I'd rather do it all than spend 90% of my time nagging. It gets done on time, to my standards and without fuss. There is a split of responsibility and there are other tasks he does (anything to do with cars etc).

All I mean is that we are a team and I am happy to do things for him as he is for me. BUT I rebel at other people making broad brush assumptions about our relationship and assuming that because I am his wife, I am by default responsible for all his family/social arrangements. That might work for them - but don't project onto me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 17:38

Jane - that's my plan! And I'm stubborn.

OP posts:
May50 · 02/08/2017 17:42

YANBU at all - stick to your guns!

FostererofSix · 02/08/2017 17:43

But surely 'his' family are now 'your' family now too if you're married to each other?

Yet it seems the load only goes one way - onto her shoulders. Why aren't her friends contacting him to make arrangements? Why isn't he buying presents for her family and organizing trips to see them?

Answer - Because no-one would ever expect him to, because he's male.

LightHeartedThread · 02/08/2017 17:44

Fuck that. When the chips are down his family are not my family. Even after 35 years. His mum is not my mum.

Custardo · 02/08/2017 17:45

dh once forgot mothers day - his mum, she rang hm up crying and it cost him £40 in flowers.

so he doesnt forget anymore

i thnk the difficulty comes is when wife knows dh's family assume its her role and she atually givs a shit what they think.

as it happens i don't - so if they dont get cards on hgh days and holidays - its dhs fault

ememem84 · 02/08/2017 17:47

I used to do it. But when mil announced she no longer considered me to be family (after being with dh for 8 years married for 4) I stopped. He is solely in charge of birthdays and Christmas gifts for his family. Given that they live in Aussie and nz they rarely get anything from us because he forgets then panicks then says he'll send something in the new year...never does.

It's obviously my fault though if I was a "proper" wife I'd do it. (Mils accusation).