AIBU - 'wife work'

[MrsCaecilius]

Is it just me?

I got married a year ago. Co-habited for a couple of years before that. Since I've had a ring on my finger I've noticed a shift from his family/friends. They now seem to assume that as Wife, I am responsible for all family/social planning. They no longer seem to email/text him to arrange social plans but send them to me instead. Why am I now his secretary?

I think the most irritating thing about this stuff is that so many people start to see it as the wife's default responsibility. So if one's DH refuses to step up (DH: oh, we don't really bother with birthdays and stuff. MIL: sends cards and presents for all our birthdays) and you don't pick it up, people blame you and not your DH.

I don't do any wifework related to DH's family (and I'm sure they think I'm a grumpy cow because of it). I do buy a birthday present for MIL but only because I actually like her

I saw this was expected of me. I considered what would annoy me more - to have some people's expectations of me as a proper wife not met, or doing all this wifework, remembering his second cousins twice removed birthdays etc for eternity. Option A won.

I figured that if he managed to remember birthdays etc before marrying me, he won't lose the ability by marrying me. And if he didn't send any cards before, it would be quite unresonable for the people to assume I suddenly will.

So far, nobody has died. He does his family, I do mine - if he doesn't then he doesn't.

I'm quite lucky as DH handles his family's birthday presents and most communications. However, he's incredibly stubborn and there's a few things I handle lest he hurts his family's feelings.

For example, when there have been terrorist attacks in London his family (based in the US) get really worried, which he thinks is silly and he'll refuse to get in touch to confirm he is okay. I now confirm with his Mom, grandma, and aunts that he's okay!

Thinking about it, I also give his Mom present ideas for him as he refuses to tell her what he wants for Xmas/birthdays when she asks. Drives me crazy as all he needs to do is share his Amazon wishlist.

I do my family, he does his, we book things but check with each other before we book and put things in our calenders on our phones as well as the calender in the kitchen.

But I don't see a problem with his family contacting you to arrange things, my family sometimes contact DH to arrange things and he doesn't get all uppity because "it's not my role"

But then I find it weird on here that finances absolutely have to be merged and shared equally along with roles in the house but family have to remain his and hers. And if a man asks what's for dinner after not being at work, it eventually, usually 6/7 posts in, results in the poster being asked if her husband or partner is always this controlling.

I think you are busy. Nothing wrong with his family contacting you and vice versa.

*not busy, although you might be! It should have read, I think you are being unreasonable!

Happens here too - I leave family outings and birthdays to him and if that means they don't get them or they are late that's up to him! I do text his relatives about details of visits otherwise I'd never know when they were arriving. It drives me crazy but I organise any other social engagement (we wouldn't do anything otherwise and it would bother me more) and most holidays. Although I did manage to get him to actually 'book' our summer holiday after I'd done the research this year.

Don't take it as an insult they think you're more responsible and organised. My boyfriend's mum and step-dad have contacted me many times because my brother broke his phone or doesn't reply quickly, etc. I think it's a man thing haha

My dh does his family and I do mine. I feel vaguely guilty that his family don't get any birthday presents/cards, and Christmas presents are cash in a card. My family get what they ask for, because I ask for ideas in plenty of time.

We don't see his family as often as we see mine, but equally, my family will drop everything to help with childcare if we need them to, his family have never spent time with the dcs without us. Mil has realised now that I don't do all the organising of social stuff, so what happens now is that she sends dh a message, then texts me to say "I've sent dh a message, get him to respond to me please", so somehow it has become my responsibility anyway

MsAwesomeDragon, I get the same! I tell her to get in touch with dh to arrange, she then says she has, can I ask him to respond!

It's got harder since we had our first child, as PIL's expectations have changed. Basically they want to see their GC more often than they previously wanted to see DP. I don't know how common this is though.

YANBU op and it's depressing some people still defend or make excuses for this.

It only happens if you let it.

I hardly speak to my DH's relatives and would be baffled if they contacted me. I do not buy cards for his family as it frankly doesn't occur to me (they are VERY distant and never visit or call, so are not really part of the family) and that's all his job.

Because I never took on the role, it was never expected.

Just don't let it happen. Every text, reply with "you'll have to ask him."

There are occasionally attempts to do it with the kids - ie: asking me "What does your child want for lunch?" and I respond "I don't know, ask him." Because he's nearly ten and can answer his own questions.

Just don't let it happen and if people bring it up with you, feign confusion. "Why would I arrange my husband's dinner dates? You don't have a card? You'll have to ask your son."

Agreed, OP. I have been married for five years and have never picked up this bit of domestic life. They are his family and friends, his job to remember, to buy, to write and to wrap. I will sometimes get involved a bit at Christmas if I'm out shopping and see something I think they'd like, but final decision rests with him. His family are pretty traditional and could easily have fallen into this, but they don't expect it now!

His family are dealt with by him, my family get dealt with by me. The only thing I've done recently was push for a meeting with his old school friends whom we haven't seen for two years yet they live closer to us than when they all went to school. However, after declaring the night put a huge success, they have not been in touch to organise another one, so fuck 'em, I'm not spending my free time organising it again.

woody newdaddie nothing wrong with division of labour, but the point is with this specific issue (cards, presents, social engagements) it NEVER goes the other way - despite the fact that the wife's family is now the husband's too. I've heard many, many women complain about this. I have never in my life heard a man say 'ever since we married, her mother expects me to arrange all birthdays and christmases'. It just doesn't happen!

I'm not surprised @EmotionalTeaspoon women are just better at that stuff.

But before I get burned at the stake for that comment I do agree that it 'might' (nature vs nurture) not have to be that way. If you've spent time with teenagers recently you might notice that girls are wayyy more organised and socially adept than boys and it's not surprising that they perform better academically and the social/communication/organisation ability gap continues into adulthood. I've tutored for the past 20 years and especially when I was a lot younger (18yo tutoring GCSE students). The girls were easier to work with.

One example which stuck in my head was with a study group of 7 we finished the topic early and all 4 girls had the materials to move on to the next topic and none of the 3 boys did. I was only 2/3 years older and it was a relaxed/flexible study set up but it didn't stop the girls being seriously organised and it was almost like it was an innate ability.

Did you miss the posts on here with women married to men who manage perfectly well to organise their own family and friends? I'm married to one. It would feel weird me arranging things for him as if he was a child. And yes, if my mum has problems with her computer she'll ask DH-not because he's a man, because he's an IT specialist. It's the assumption that women are better at this stuff- they're not, they're expected to be, therefore the responsibility is given to them, therefore they BECOME better at it out of necessity.

I used to do it all probably because when I first met now DH his ability to keep on top of admin was non existant. I will add that I come from a family where my DF did all the admin and paperwork so see it as something allocated to the team member with the organisational skills rather than the work of a particular gender. (FWIW my DF also did all the ironing in our household - probably quite unusual for his generation).

Over the years, as DH has been promoted at work to senior positions, I have taken the view that he ought to be capable of organising himself so I have relinquished much of the organising of his family matters to him. He may get a one off reminder of "don't forget it's X's birthday next week" but that is it - no further reminders given. I still regard friends met through him as 'his' friends even though we have known them for years so if he can't be bothered to ring them then they don't get contacted.

And yet... If you hope for a girl so that you can maintain family closeness down the generations you'll be told that boys and girls are no different and you're no more likely to see your daughters kids than your sons.

The evidence doesn't really support this does it.

We each do our own family here too. If a mum doesn't get a birthday card from her son she might grumble about her dil but really she knows it's her son that can't be arsed and so does everyone else. Keep just sorting out your own stuff, eventually people will cop on. I have just remembered a few weeks after our wedding (many years ago) Mil made a sniffy comment about thank you cards for guests, I told her that I had sent them out ages ago for my side of the family, new dh was doing his side. I think that set the tone and probably why it's never been an issue since.

I didn't miss those posts but I also don't think my marriage should be a social experiment either. I'm happy(ish) with the status quo. I also plan on teaching dd to do more 'manly' stuff than dw does but if she is happy in the future subscribing to gender norms I'm not going to stop her.

BasketOfDeplorables - exactly, massive expectations from MIL once we had a child that seemed to fall squarely on me as I was off on mat leave. Visits were previously perhaps a family lunch on a monthly basis, once we had our daughter we were suddenly expected to make outselves available several times a week.

After having to account for my whereabouts, being made to feel guilty about how I choose to spend my time etc, I decided that I would simply refuse to engage and leave it all to dh, although my relationship with mil has certainly become more difficult for it.

deadringer the thank you notes comments rings true here too. Also had sniffy comments about tardiness for thank you cards. I made the same remark, mine were all done, he is responsible for his. If his mother is unimpressed about how long he takes to write them maybe she should blame his upbringing and not his wife!

Newdaddy, not thinking ahead is a seriously unattractive trait. You're a grown up, so act like one.

Calendars and lists are your friend because, trust me, my extra X chromosome does absolutely nothing to make me more innately organised than my dh.

I left the manchild who expected me to do all the grown up thinking because I was so much better at it.

Like everything else, you get better at doing these things by actually doing them. Make that phone call or visit that shop and relay the results to whoever needs to know. It's not rocket science (which, somehow, some men are perfectly capable of despite the advanced planning and communication skills required)

Like everything else, you get better at doing these things by actually doing them.

Indeed PickAChew. Nobody's born just knowing how to buy birthday cards on time (or work a washing machine, or know what their children's shoe sizes are, or any of the other things that women are meant to be Just Better At). It's s learnable skill; if teenage girls can master it, then so can grown men.