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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - 'wife work'

148 replies

MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 16:32

Is it just me?

I got married a year ago. Co-habited for a couple of years before that. Since I've had a ring on my finger I've noticed a shift from his family/friends. They now seem to assume that as Wife, I am responsible for all family/social planning. They no longer seem to email/text him to arrange social plans but send them to me instead. Why am I now his secretary?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCaecilius · 02/08/2017 17:50

Fosterero exactly! One way street and that's not on...

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/08/2017 17:51

If DH's family are visiting he sorts out the house and food and I do the same for my family visits. I'm sure my family would prefer it if DH did the cooking when they visit as he's much better than me!

It's not about his family, my family; we all get on well. It's about sharing the work load although obviously I don't just sit around and do nothing when his family visit. However it means one person isn't always responsible for the organizing .

ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 18:16

Bloody hell custardo you're a sight for sore eyes!

junebirthdaygirl · 02/08/2017 18:22

Im married over 30 years and my dh has always sorted stuff with his family. Visits birthdays etc. His dps always contacted him about stuff. My dbs always contact my family..not their wives. Its a funny thing that families seem to fall into.

BasketOfDeplorables · 02/08/2017 18:31

DP does his family stuff. I do mine. After many years I think I have knocked the 'I suppose I the credit really goes to Basket' in the head in response to DP giving his parents anything. I doubt my dad would appreciate a card bought and written on by DP - he'd think I'd outsourced his birthday - so why PIL think DP has stopped caring I don't know.

ememem84 · 03/08/2017 07:07

doubt my dad would appreciate a card bought and written on by DP - he'd think I'd outsourced his birthday - so why PIL think DP has stopped caring I don't know.

I'd never thought about it like that.

quickychangearound · 03/08/2017 07:11

It's nothing to do with being a "team player" because that would imply the work is reciprocated. It isn't. Which is kind of the whole point. But thank you for coming on to share your manly views.

TotallyConkers · 03/08/2017 07:17

Wow so being a team player means you take on all the admin stuff. Ummmm NO. My DH is left to sort his side of the family out whilst I do mine. If it gets forgotten then I point anyone moaning to him.

Another corker about 'wife work' was when I got married his mum said she could now forget about nagging him to see doctors etc as that was my job as the wife. I quickly made it clear he was a grown man and responsible for his own health and whilst my job is to support it isn't to mother a grown man.

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/08/2017 07:19

Fucking hell newdaddie you're determined to spread your misogynistic bullshit all over MN aren't you! Stop ruining the threads I like!

DH does his family and I do mine, it works well because MIL (who I love and get on with well) likes the cards with writing on and I cannot buy them, just can't do it, they're too hideous!

GreenRut · 03/08/2017 07:23

We have separate responsibility for our own family cards and presents. I do often get involved with arranging visits to his family though because frankly if I didn't, we would see his parents / siblings twice a year and I'm probably a bit over the top (paranoid) about wanting to ensure the in-laws know I want to see them and I want my dcs to see them. They live in a place which means you'd need to do an overnight stay and they are not involved in the day to day of my dcs lives, whereas my family are very much involved and i would hate my in laws to feel like their role as grandparents didn't matter as much. My dh thinks I'm a bit odd if this ever comes up, I just think it's manners! (He's probably right Grin)

Cantseethewoods · 03/08/2017 07:26

We don't have a strict 'your family- my family' thing but I don't take responsibility for him forgetting if he does. For social stuff we have separate diaries but just send each other an invite for all stuff that happens outside working hours so we have a complete picture/avoid clashes.

JamRock · 03/08/2017 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doobigetta · 03/08/2017 07:36

Haha, how muh of a stereotype can you be, thinking "team player" means that a woman should happily pick up all the shit you think is beneath you? Get outta here!

morningconstitutional2017 · 03/08/2017 07:40

I'm afraid it does seem to be the general rule. It's as if a little switch in a man's brain is now 'off' and all this crap becomes the wife's responsibility. Annoying, isn't it?

I ignored it until MIL felt hurt (and was vocal about it) about his ignoring her birthday/Mothering Sunday. Therefore, after reminders I bought the damn things myself.

SophoclesTheFox · 03/08/2017 07:50

I do my family, he does his family. Firstly, he had 45 years before I was on the scene to sort out his own relationships with his own family and it would have been breathtaking arrogance if I'd blown in and decided that he wasn't doing it right and I should take over Confused he doesn't do much, and isn't close to his family, but that is a choice he made long before I was on the scene, so I wouldn't dream of butting in.

Secondly, while it might damage the relationship between me and his mother (which isn't close as we live in different countries, plus the above) that I don't pick up the slack in the way she'd hoped I might, it would damage the relationship between me and him if I had to do his wifework, because I would resent the fuck out of doing it. I choose our relationship and let the rest wash over me. Funnily enough, the most heat I get over it comes from my own mother who thinks I am a pretty sorry excuse for a DIL Grin

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/08/2017 07:56

Why am I now his secretary?

I think you're underselling yourself here. you're now his boss Wink

I suppose I'd better announce it is a tongue in cheek remark before the literal readers arrive to dissect

Collidascope · 03/08/2017 08:01

I think I'm in the minority here as my partner generally sorts out his family's and my family's presents. I suspect that it's because there's some glory in getting people nice presents though. Less so with remembering that the dog needs to go to the vet, that we need to pay for the green bin to be collected, that his post needs to be opened rather than left to pile up at the door, and the other thankless tasks that he 'doesnt think' to do. Thankfully though he is improving all the time.

ParadiseCity · 03/08/2017 08:03

This is familiar. MIL had the kids one weekend and started explaining to me that she had (v kindly) washed the things in this bag, that one was towels etc. I said 'this is so kind but hang on while I call DH through I'll never remember what you said and he'll want to know what to iron.' She was Shock .

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 08:07

I feel the same, Sophocles. I wouldn't want him taking over my relationships so I just follow his lead. He's known his family for 30+ years so he knows best what he wants from that relationship.

ShesAStar · 03/08/2017 08:08

I hate this too. My DH has a cousin who is getting married, his family take weddings very seriously, it's a very big deal to them. My family don't really feel the same way, we have small ceremonies without much input from anyone else. I don't know the cousin getting married, however I get a few emails a week from her mother, sister and the bride asking various questions and asking me to write a 'message to the bride' - why isn't she asking DH - you know the person who actually knows her? I feel like just forwarding the emails to him but don't want to appear rude. I have only met the cousin about five times.

crazyhorses3 · 03/08/2017 08:08

I don't know how this happens but it does. I send all the Xmas cards, birthday cards, presents, etc. My husband complains he has no friends, but he makes no effort with anyone, not even his godchildren. My advice is, don't start doing it or it will become a millstone round your neck.

Elendon · 03/08/2017 08:11

My exh was great with his family's birthdays and doing cards at Xmas. However, when it came to the children's social life and education he left it all up to me. Yet, because he changed nappies, fed the babies and wrote a few lines on a birthday card for his mum, he was the man who knew were the towels were kept. If it bored him, he wasn't interested.

He also never cleaned the toilet!

wheresmyphone · 03/08/2017 08:13

Thus thread is making me feel
so much better! Thought it was just me who studiously avoided doing all this. I ignore EVERYTHING from his side of family. He can organise it. He is quite capable.

Endorph1ne · 03/08/2017 08:16

I am family secretary and it drives me insane. However, if I leave it to DH he will forget or simply not bother. This then causes rifts with his family, as he doesn't see forgetting birthdays as a problem, but they have huge issues with it. He will then breakdown after a couple of months of being ignored.

I have tried explaining to him a billion times that they respond badly to his 'neglectfulness', but he doesn't believe me, and claims that they're ignoring him for something else that he must have done, although he's never quite sure what!

I send the cards to his family, because otherwise I have to deal with his misery and bizarre head burying.

It's crap.

Lou573 · 03/08/2017 08:26

I think this gets even worse when you have children. MIL seems to be quite persistent in trying to arrange things through me, and I think it looks like I'm trying to avoid her by repeatedly passing her on to dh.

I refuse to take on all the familial obligations for his side as well, but it does mean that they see our daughter less often and get worse presents than mine!

Having said that, I'm not purposefully difficult about it - if I'm shopping and spot a pressie for someone on his side I'll pick it up, but that's helping him out, not taking responsibility for it.

I thought it would be apparent that i'm leaving it to dh but I think I might have to say something to MIL soon as I think she thinks I'm being standoffish.