AIBU? IHBU? Are we both BU?

[GigaBite]

I was wondering if PPs could read the following text conversations between XH and me and say which of us are BU? If it is me, could you say how you would handle things differently/what you would say? The exchanges are usually about contact with the DC and maintenance.

Text convo 1:
XH: What the fuck is he doing taking my daughter in to a bookies tell him he doesn't take her again ('him' is my BF)
Me: Don't know what you're talking about. Kids aren't allowed in bookies - over 18s only.
XH: DD says she was in 1
Me: Well that's impossible so she obviously wasn't.
XH: We're was she filling football coupons in then and then going home watching football to see if they won any money
Me: They were allowed to pick a few teams but they never went in a bookies, they didn't fill in football coupons, they didn't watch TV, we just told them their teams hadn't won.
XH: So you encouraging gambling now well done
Me: Oh fuck off being a sanctimonious bastard XH. No, I don't encourage gambling - they didn't know what it was, it was only a one off. You play the lottery don't you? Let them pick the numbers sometimes don't you? Fucking hypocrite! I'd be more concerned about the message your attitude to casual and excessive drinking will do to them as they grow up. Not to mention your relationships with drug and alcohol abusers.

Text convo 2:
Me: It's coming up to the end of November and you still haven't paid me any money back. You also haven't paid for the school photo. I need you to pay me back as well as your half for DD's party ASAP. When can I expect it?
five hours later
XH: I'll sort it I'm taking kids to local town lights switch on and I've booked them in to get there nails done can you make sure they dressed suitable and there hands are clean please
Me: tonight? They're not allowed nail varnish on at school so can you remove it before you bring them back in the morning.
XH: yes
next day
Me: Listen carefully XH. I specifically said to you yesterday that you would need to remove any nail varnish as the girls are not allowed to wear it to school. I don't have time in the mornings along with everything else I have to do to get them to school. You didn't listen. You also (yet again) didn't bath them and their hair is dirty and Dd2 is covered in pen. Time and time again, you are neglecting their basic needs. You are frequently late for picking them up and get here for them so late that I have to give them their evening meal - yet the fact that you have them overnight means that you reduce your child maintenance payments. Dd1 frequently returns home tired and angry which leads me to believe you are putting them to bed late. This is not working for the children. I am letting you know that this is your LAST CHANCE to prove you can look after the children properly. That means turning up on time for them, bathing them, ensuring they go to bed at a reasonable time and paying your fair share of their expenses (including paying me back the money you already owe). If you continue to neglect your responsibilities towards them you will leave no alternative but for us to reexamine your mid week contact which will probably go along with what is standard for the vast majority of other separated parents, ie. you collect them from school once a week and keep them for tea and return them home in time for a bath and bed. Additionally, I have to pay the entertainer for dd2's party on Saturday (your share is £82.50) and your half of the cost of the food, party decorations/plates/party bags/cake which will be in the region of £150 (your share £75). I expect you to pay me this by Sunday at the latest.

Text convo 3:
XH: When am I going to see the kids it's getting behond a joke now
Me: I don't know. They say they don't want to go.
Me: Also, you didn't turn up for them on Boxing Day or Tuesday. (his scheduled contact days)
XH: I couldn't I didn't have a car well there coming it's taking the piss now they won't get a choice when it goes to court why were they at your mums today you knew I was coming to pick them up
Me: Ok, because you can't go anywhere without a car? What about taxis? Actually the courts will take their views into account. I'm not sure why you're blaming me? They don't want to go so short of forcing them kicking and screaming (which i won't do to dd1 the way she is at the moment) then I don't know what you're expecting. You don't give a shit where they are the rest of the time but if you must know, I'm at work today. You know, so I can earn money to feed and clothe them since you don't feel any obligation whatsoever to help with that.
Me: You were meant to come for them at 10. You weren't here by 10 past so I took them to my mum's because I had to work. You didn't even get in touch until 10.45 so you were 45 minutes late. I have to make a plan b whenever you're meant to have them as you're so unreliable.

XH: Why couldn't you drop them at mine then on your way to work
Me: see my message above
XH: I was there at quarter past 10
XH: waiting outside for ages
Me: I messaged you at 10.11. Scroll back and have a look. You messaged at 10.40.
XH: I not arguing all the time u want to see them tomorrow what time you going to work
Me: You think I want to argue? I just want you to be a good dad and someone they are happy to visit. They deserve that but you seem more bothered about point scoring. You haven't given me a penny since May for them. That's 7 months where I've had to provide EVERYTHING for them. You don't know the half of it. You don't have to worry about half the crap I deal with yet you think you're hard done by? I will talk to them about going to yours tomorrow but every time I ask, they say they don't want to. I will let you know.
XH: You don't want to argue but you mind filling kids head slagging me off all the time
Me: Yeah, that's exactly it XH 🙄 Never mind that they are bored shitless at yours, complain to me that you don't take them anywhere, shout all the time, have insufficient clothing for them, don't brush their teeth and tell me all you do is shout, it must be because of me? When are you going to stop make my excuses whenever something in your life goes wrong? There's one common factor to all this and it's YOU.
XH: Change your getting boring now
Me: Wow, I didn't see that response coming a mile off 🙄 I tell you what's boring, having the same fucking conversation with you over and over again yet you ignoring everything I say anyway. Nothing is going to change until you accept some responsibility for the way the girls feel and stop blaming me. That's the reality whether you want to accept it or not.
XH: Just tell me what time I can pick them up in morning

Obviously these are taken completely out of context, but on the face of it, who is BU? Before I get accused of drip feeding, I will explain the context later.

And block his number when you don't want contact from him. You can unblock just as easy. Your not at his beck and call.

Yes, I was going to say block his number. Then he can only contact you via email.

ScrambledSmegs: , and try to forgive yourself for whatever you're beating yourself up for.

This really resonated with me. I know the professionals involved with DD are exasperated with the way I deal with XH. They don't understand why I don't just call the police on him (instances of screaming and shouting in the street outside my house as kids wouldn't come out). I can't explain it properly, I just have this inability to deal with him. I internalise all his criticism. I mentally shut down when I know I have to speak to him. I feel like I'm the problem even though logically, I know it's him. Simetimes I think I'm so very messed up. I know why (abusive father of my own) but it's like I'm powerless to change.

I think the key thing your going to have to accept is he's probably not going to change. He's not going to provide that relationship you want for your children. If I was you I would consider yourself a truely single parent and budget from your income not what he can and should pay. When the cps money comes through well that's just grand and it's for treats. But if it doesn't come through you still have all the basics covered.

I think you just need to grieve for what could have been and accept what is actually happening.

Concentrate on your children. Block his number. Tell him email is his only option and any other contact other than in an emergency when he has care of the children will be classed as harassment and you will document it and report to the police. And then do that.

His behaviour and your need to react to it is a bad habit. And they are hard to kick. But you can do it

Would you want your grandchildren to have a father like that?

I'm going to try harder to detach and to stop expecting he will ever help me or play fair. I've struggled to accept the unfairness before but I will keep trying. I just want my children to be happy.

booboo, I X-posted with you there but you have totally nailed it. I need to grieve for what should have been and let it go. Life isn't ever fair no matter how much I think it should be.

You don't have to try harder this isn't something your necessarily doing wrong. You care that's a great thing. Access all the help you've been offered and stand up to him. And as for the shouting in the street ring the police. The local drug dealer won't want the police breathing down his neck and he will soon pack it in.

You in control here so don't let him make you think he is.

Sit down with your partner and make a list of rules you want to live by and then email them to him. He accepts or he doesn't turn up x

And no, I definitely want my DDs to pick better partners for themselves. I'm all too aware of how having an abusive parent and another who enables that can affect you your whole life. This does influence the way I deal with him quite often.

It's not going to be easy which is why I suggested the cheap phone you turn off when he's not with the kids. He can't call you if he can't call you. And you can't answer if he can't call you.

It's just learned habit he's got you thinking oh my children need their father. Do they? Do they really need a possible drug dealer who shouts at them, scares them and doesn't manage to keep them clean? I don't think they do. They need stability and love

They are referring us to a facilitated contact organisation but there's a waiting list. They also want me to access the women's centre for legal advice and to do the freedom programme. So at least they're taking it seriously. They've also tried engaging him but they haven't got a response.

My son has a SW too, my advice is take all the support they offer. Even if you don't think it will help, try it. This will all help if it gets to court and the SW can speak on the DC behalf and state that you have been fully engaging with all support whereas dad hasn't. I am going through this now. Not quite at court stage but that's because when left to own devices my EXp has decided not to bother with his children. But do take all the help SS offer.

That should read "Even if you think it wont help."

And do phone the police if he threatens or intimidates you! You need to start building a record of all his behaviours. This will help in court.

I was dismayed from the first few lines and could not read much more. V ugly stuff from both of you. Point scoring, abusive, little regard for kids in there.

@seekingsugar maybe if you'd bothered to rtft you'd have something constructive to offer

Oh OP he's really done a number on you. Sorry I'm stuck in soft play hell right now so can't write much but honestly, you're struggling now because you're seeing him more clearly than you did before.

I haven't read the whole thread but from the first post you are unreasonable and squabbling.

Perhaps get this moved to "relationships" OP, as AIBU can be a bit rough and you don't deserve it. People just don't rtft.

I can't believe the responses on hear. I know AIBU means you get opinions but to treat someone at the end of their rope so badly shames the lot of you that are being so spiteful.
I assume you all manage to rise above being treated so badly by your exes?
Well said HIssy.

OP - you may get more help and support in Relationships as sadly your Ex isn't alone in treating his family so badly.

(and as bad as each other? You could say that if the OP neglected her children, but as she is the sole one supporting and parenting that hardly seems the case)

I haven't read the whole thread but from the first post you are unreasonable and squabbling.

Then maybe you should before adding nothing useful to it,

Well said NannyOgg. It pisses me RIGHT off that the one bugger who DOES give a shit enough to stick with it, not let the kids down and do the whole juggling while living on a knife edge AND taking abuse and harassment is "as bad as each other"

many smug buggers seem to forget that the majority of the population are one lost pay cheque away from real hardship. The lack of savings among the general population is woeful

None of us start a relationship or marriage expecting it to fail, and none of us think our exes would ever treat us or our kids so cruelly.

We hold it together, yet we're in the wrong.

A bloke only has to show up on time and pay the cms minimum and he's an utter hero and role model.

For doing the bare minimum.

Over half of all marriages fail. The relationship pages here are FULL of cheats and affairs.

Think on. Think on and show a little humanity.

Giga, first off please don't beat yourself up. Yes these exchanges are unhelpful but I've been where you are and the frustration at the failure to financially contribute is overwhelming. Cut off his oxygen. Reply in a few words but factually, avoid the expletives and repeat each time when is he making payment. I think the other responders here are being unnecessarily harsh on you. Good luck lovely x

You are both awful to each other. Petty childish point scoring on both parts. You need to evaluate what you want to achieve from all this bs.

Couldn't even finish reading it tbh.

just wondered how others would deal with this kind of stuff from an ex they have to deal with for the DC

In very short calm clear emotionless sentences

You have had great advice so far and I just think you should try and take it and DOCUMENT E ERYTHING.

so if he rings you 20 times in a row take a screen shot of it. Save and print everything and once a month collate all the bullshit into a folder on your pc. This is your proof.

Call the police each and every time he harasses you on the street.

Log and detail it all and don't tell him you're doing it.

He's a bully and you have to deal with him.

My heart goes out to you.