AIBU? IHBU? Are we both BU?

[GigaBite]

I was wondering if PPs could read the following text conversations between XH and me and say which of us are BU? If it is me, could you say how you would handle things differently/what you would say? The exchanges are usually about contact with the DC and maintenance.

Text convo 1:
XH: What the fuck is he doing taking my daughter in to a bookies tell him he doesn't take her again ('him' is my BF)
Me: Don't know what you're talking about. Kids aren't allowed in bookies - over 18s only.
XH: DD says she was in 1
Me: Well that's impossible so she obviously wasn't.
XH: We're was she filling football coupons in then and then going home watching football to see if they won any money
Me: They were allowed to pick a few teams but they never went in a bookies, they didn't fill in football coupons, they didn't watch TV, we just told them their teams hadn't won.
XH: So you encouraging gambling now well done
Me: Oh fuck off being a sanctimonious bastard XH. No, I don't encourage gambling - they didn't know what it was, it was only a one off. You play the lottery don't you? Let them pick the numbers sometimes don't you? Fucking hypocrite! I'd be more concerned about the message your attitude to casual and excessive drinking will do to them as they grow up. Not to mention your relationships with drug and alcohol abusers.

Text convo 2:
Me: It's coming up to the end of November and you still haven't paid me any money back. You also haven't paid for the school photo. I need you to pay me back as well as your half for DD's party ASAP. When can I expect it?
five hours later
XH: I'll sort it I'm taking kids to local town lights switch on and I've booked them in to get there nails done can you make sure they dressed suitable and there hands are clean please
Me: tonight? They're not allowed nail varnish on at school so can you remove it before you bring them back in the morning.
XH: yes
next day
Me: Listen carefully XH. I specifically said to you yesterday that you would need to remove any nail varnish as the girls are not allowed to wear it to school. I don't have time in the mornings along with everything else I have to do to get them to school. You didn't listen. You also (yet again) didn't bath them and their hair is dirty and Dd2 is covered in pen. Time and time again, you are neglecting their basic needs. You are frequently late for picking them up and get here for them so late that I have to give them their evening meal - yet the fact that you have them overnight means that you reduce your child maintenance payments. Dd1 frequently returns home tired and angry which leads me to believe you are putting them to bed late. This is not working for the children. I am letting you know that this is your LAST CHANCE to prove you can look after the children properly. That means turning up on time for them, bathing them, ensuring they go to bed at a reasonable time and paying your fair share of their expenses (including paying me back the money you already owe). If you continue to neglect your responsibilities towards them you will leave no alternative but for us to reexamine your mid week contact which will probably go along with what is standard for the vast majority of other separated parents, ie. you collect them from school once a week and keep them for tea and return them home in time for a bath and bed. Additionally, I have to pay the entertainer for dd2's party on Saturday (your share is £82.50) and your half of the cost of the food, party decorations/plates/party bags/cake which will be in the region of £150 (your share £75). I expect you to pay me this by Sunday at the latest.

Text convo 3:
XH: When am I going to see the kids it's getting behond a joke now
Me: I don't know. They say they don't want to go.
Me: Also, you didn't turn up for them on Boxing Day or Tuesday. (his scheduled contact days)
XH: I couldn't I didn't have a car well there coming it's taking the piss now they won't get a choice when it goes to court why were they at your mums today you knew I was coming to pick them up
Me: Ok, because you can't go anywhere without a car? What about taxis? Actually the courts will take their views into account. I'm not sure why you're blaming me? They don't want to go so short of forcing them kicking and screaming (which i won't do to dd1 the way she is at the moment) then I don't know what you're expecting. You don't give a shit where they are the rest of the time but if you must know, I'm at work today. You know, so I can earn money to feed and clothe them since you don't feel any obligation whatsoever to help with that.
Me: You were meant to come for them at 10. You weren't here by 10 past so I took them to my mum's because I had to work. You didn't even get in touch until 10.45 so you were 45 minutes late. I have to make a plan b whenever you're meant to have them as you're so unreliable.

XH: Why couldn't you drop them at mine then on your way to work
Me: see my message above
XH: I was there at quarter past 10
XH: waiting outside for ages
Me: I messaged you at 10.11. Scroll back and have a look. You messaged at 10.40.
XH: I not arguing all the time u want to see them tomorrow what time you going to work
Me: You think I want to argue? I just want you to be a good dad and someone they are happy to visit. They deserve that but you seem more bothered about point scoring. You haven't given me a penny since May for them. That's 7 months where I've had to provide EVERYTHING for them. You don't know the half of it. You don't have to worry about half the crap I deal with yet you think you're hard done by? I will talk to them about going to yours tomorrow but every time I ask, they say they don't want to. I will let you know.
XH: You don't want to argue but you mind filling kids head slagging me off all the time
Me: Yeah, that's exactly it XH 🙄 Never mind that they are bored shitless at yours, complain to me that you don't take them anywhere, shout all the time, have insufficient clothing for them, don't brush their teeth and tell me all you do is shout, it must be because of me? When are you going to stop make my excuses whenever something in your life goes wrong? There's one common factor to all this and it's YOU.
XH: Change your getting boring now
Me: Wow, I didn't see that response coming a mile off 🙄 I tell you what's boring, having the same fucking conversation with you over and over again yet you ignoring everything I say anyway. Nothing is going to change until you accept some responsibility for the way the girls feel and stop blaming me. That's the reality whether you want to accept it or not.
XH: Just tell me what time I can pick them up in morning

Obviously these are taken completely out of context, but on the face of it, who is BU? Before I get accused of drip feeding, I will explain the context later.

Thanks for the pointers on what I should say/do. After several years of dealing with him, I've lost perspective.

I've already tried mediation, he didn't turn up. I can't afford to go to court. He threatens to take me to court regularly but never does so I'm just waiting as I think having an order might help.

I think he wants to be a dad but I don't think he knows how and his interest waxes and wanes depending on if he's got a GF at that point.

He's being an utter nob and you sound at the end of your tether. Don't give him anything to rail against. Short, sharp and factual.

GiGa it's hard for us to really be helpful when this has obviously been a tiny snap shot of years worth of arguing.

I agree with PPs about keeping comms short and to the point. Email is good because it discourages the back and forth and you're (slightly) less likely to fire off a comment in anger.

It made for very exhausting reading, and all I could think of was your kids. You need to try harder OP. Sorry but you do. Especially if he won't. Good luck...!

He's goading you and you are rising to it, quite spectacularly really. Neither of you come out of it well tbh.

There's a technique for dealing with people like him that I've seen mentioned a lot. Grey rock I think? It sounds like it might help you detach.

Just remember that when he gets a reaction from you he loves it. You're his entertainment.

I think you need to find a way to budget and afford it. Your children's relationship with their dad is important. Your relationship with him isn't.

He is clearly crap but you are rising to the bait and squabbling.

Keep a factual diary. On X date he did not arrive to collect dc. On y date they returned without having had a bath. If he does take you to court then this may help your case. But only if you take the emotion out.

As is so often said on here you cant change other people but you can change how you respond.

The only way I regained my sanity with this kind of thing was to stop expecting anything at all.

Yes, it is unfair to have all the responsibility, but frankly, it's a lot less exhausting and frustrating and rage-inducing just to do the things needed parenting wise rather than plead / beg / cajole /threaten (rinse and repeat until ready to kill someone).

Honestly..when I stopped even vaguely expecting or asking for anything my life got way less stressful.

(so, for example, seems unfair re stuff like nail polish etc - but what would you rather? 3 mins to do it yourself and an eye roll, or a loooooooong text message spat, 24 hours of just KNOWING it won't be done, and then the rage when you see it isn't?)

Basically the phrase - 'Would you rather be 'right' or happy?' worked for me.

If he has them overnight, he will drop them very early in the morning. He doesn't do any school runs. Any joint expenses were agreed between us but he never paid me back so I've stopped asking and the DC do not get birthday parties now. I do still sometimes ask him to help with things like uniform (even though he never does). It makes me incredibly angry that my DC miss out on so much because of his attitude that child rearing is basically my responsibility whilst he goes out drinking all the time, snorting coke and going on weekends away with his GFs.

He doesn't like dealing with me by text or email - he insists on calling over and over which I generally ignore now and wait for him to text. I do find it hard not to bite and yes, I'm very bitter. My life is very difficult for reasons I won't go into on this thread and he actively makes my life harder so I find it really difficult not to be resentful. I want to detach and disengage but I'm caught up with trying to encourage a relationship on the one hand, and get him to realise what he needs to do to be a good dad. I realise deep down that he doesn't listen to me though.

Wow. I assume you loved each other once, what the hell happened?!!

You are both being unreasonable and immature, and you should both feel devastated things have got so toxic. I'm upset for you both.

I really feel for you. But..maybe it's time to accept that it isn't your responsibility to force him to be the kind of father you wish he was.

I know it's hard - it's heartbreaking. And yes the resentment and bitterness is awful.

But, the thing is all that stressful energy for what you've been shown for many years is basically going nowhere, could be better put to use on yourself and the kids.

I know it is so hard to have all the responsibility while he only thinks of himself - but you can't change him and make him the dad you want him to be. You've been a hero for trying for so long and I'm sure that's because you want that desperately for your kids.

Can you try maybe doing everything you can to let go of the unfairness and the want for him to be different? And instead take some baby steps towards accepting this is how it is - it's not fair, but this is how it is.

Some of the ways he makes your life harder - judging by the texts you've posted, is because you give him the power to do so by trying to force him to be something he will not be.

I can understand why you're so angry. He's not going to change though. You can't argue him into being a better person, no matter how much you want to. As others have said, keep contact to a bare minimum. Expect nothing from him in terms of help and ignore anything that can be ignored. If he's abusive, you're giving him exactly what he wants by rising to the bait everytime. My sympathies, OP, he sounds awful and you shouldn't be wasting emotional energy on him.

Keep the messages short and to the point.

alpha, what happened was that I couldn't take his cheating and abuse any more and I left him. He was semi-ok with contact until I met someone else. He wants to the fun bits of parenting when he feels like it and fit me to do all the rest. I struggle to be ok with this and let it go or even deal with him effectively.

You are both childish.

Just deal with fact and take emotion out, it's better for all concerned

If he doesn't show up on time. Wait 30 mins and then go on with your day. Email him after 30 mins and say you didn't show so the children are now doing another activity. Again you then ignore all contact attempts until 5pm.

^ This is great advice.

You won't change him into a good parent or get him to realise a thing. Fullstop. You couldn't make him a decent husband or father when you were together, you're not going to now. Just stop.

You need to ignore any jibes or accusations. Just don't respond.

You need to set and keep boundaries. More than [x] minutes late, he'll be considered a no-show. Let him take you to court if he is serious.

Go after him with cms for child support. Don't bother to ask for anything extra.

Just opt out of the to and fro, be boring, don't feed into it.

I think a previous poster put it correctly - ask yourself when you read every text...

"Would you rather be right or be happy?"

(your kids would have had the time of their lives getting their nails done - did you say "oh wow that is pretty, wasn't it nice of your dad to do that with you" or "FFS we haven't got enough time as it is, now I've got to take that off as well")

You rarely get to be both right AND happy with an EXH. Put an emotion wall up on your side. Let him mouth off and be the point scoring twat that he is. Do not respond to anything with any emotion yourself. Calm, factual and to the point.

You are both being unreasonable. You are both using the children as weapons to get at each other - the very definition of shit parenting on both your parts. No justification makes either of you sound like good parents from those text exchanges. Stop engaging and using contact with the children to score points off your ex.

Stop engaging with the drama, stop squabbling. There is so much bitterness and angst in your messages. Keep all communication short and to the point and don't be drawn into an argument.

He doesn't turn up to pick up the kids? Fine, his loss. One short message would suffice - "Kids have gone to alternative arrangement today as I needed to go to work. Next contact date is X at X time. Please be on time." That's it. No more back and forth.

Thanks for the advice all, it's really appreciated. My life has essentially deteriorated to the point I am not coping with anything and I often feel suicidal so I have been making efforts to change the things I can and take steps to improving the rest.

My issues with XH are one of the biggest sources of tension, stress and upset in my life but it has always felt too big an issue to deal with. But I have decided to turn my attention to this as I think life would be a lot easier if I can find a better way of doing things with him, whatever that looks like.

Part of the issue is making a decision one way or the other. Can anyone help me with this please? WWYD? I have several options as I see it along with differing scenarios:

1. I do as he asks and we try to stick to the schedule that was set up 4 years ago. This presents these problems though:

• what do I do if the girls refuse to go? He wants me to force them
• what happens when I've made plans such as going away for my sisters birthday and he doesn't turn up?
• what do I do when he does something I find unacceptable (current examples are he smokes in his car and house around the DC, from what my DC tell me I think he is dealing drugs from his house when they are there but I have no proof, he doesn't have enough or proper clothes for them but doesn't return their stuff if I send it, and loads of other examples)

2. I cut contact completely but:

• I don't get a break ever
• he ramps up the abuse
• the courts may think I've stopped contact without good reason

3. come up with a new schedule with conditions but:

• I don't think we can sit down together and reason it out without mediation which he wouldn't go to
• we will probably end up back at option 1 anyway
• we've tried with a third party (family member) and things didn't improve very much, maybe marginally better

4. something I haven't thought of yet. Anyone got any suggestions?

I'm caught up with trying to encourage a relationship

Who encourages you to have a relationship with your children? I'm going to guess that no-one does. It's just what you do yourself because your chose to be a parent. No-one placates you or tolerates your abuse so that you can see your children. That's your responsibility to arrange. His relationship with his children is not your responsibility to encourage. It's his.

try this

stick with the original schedule.
Text dates and times to him (necessary for later)
He picks up the children (negates the children saying no and he has to deal with it)
if he is late (pick an amount of time and stick to it) text him as above and say its off.
If you have plans try to have a plan B (you have done this before with your mother)
if he kicks off ignore
Keep a record of all messages, times dates and what he should have done for the courts.

Oh how awfully funny it is to throw rocks at the OP...

Stop arguing, start parenting together?

Put your kids first?

Sanctimonious and judgemental tripe.

Some dads take parenting seriously, collecting on time, listening to what's needed and making sure it happens. Observing school rules and policies and actively finding interesting things his kids want to do.

Others don't.

My DS dad has lived abroad for the last 6 or 7 years. he popped back the year before last for the first time in over 5 years. He drove through the village i live in TWICE without stopping off to see his son.

Eventually when he came to see him, and against my better judgement stayed in the house, I asked him to have him on an inset day.
I said to the ex 'he hates shopping, please dont take him shopping' go for a walk, kick a ball, cinema, anything. not shopping

DS said they spent the afternoon in Primark :(

Of course that pales into insignificance to the moment I caught him skinning up in the kitchen at 3pm one sunday afternoon while DS and I were in the sitting room next to the kitchen.

Then there was the time I'd begged for him to send some money for Christmas/DS birthday. Oh yes said Ex, I'm sending you £1k.

I went shopping, it was 4 days before the birthday. it took him THREE MONTHS to send the money. I put myself in utter shit because i believed him.

What I see is a mum here trying to do her best, and an ex who is an ex for a reason.

OP, don't bite when he texts you. Assume he won't contribute to anything and plan accordingly. You are 'lucky'... your ex is in the UK and can be nabbed by the CMS. Mine is abroad so it's up to him if he sends, and there is fuck all I can do about any of it.

I do confess to occasionally having sent long texts to my ex to point out how he is failing in the absolute bare minimum requirements of being a dad. That not bothering to contact your DS on his birthday is something they can't forget and Mum can't explain away.

Apparently, he's consulted a Dr (Google?), who told him he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I admit. I went straight back to him with 'Trust me, you don't. I spent YEARS looking for reasons why you were such a vile and abusive monster, filled in questionnaires and read book after book looking for 'you'. the only place I found you was in the books about domestic abusers"

Text 1 - don't reply to him. You don't answer to him, his kids don't even want to see him. if forced to respond a 'Don't be ridiculous' will suffice.

Text 2 - CMS have this now. don't ask for anything or expect anything more than he is forced to pay by deductions. He doesn't need to contribute to parties, and actually its OK not to have them if you can't afford them. Or do a joint party with one of your DC friends if you know one of similar birth date?

Text 3 - your reply? I'll ask them Will let you know when they want to see you.

Then leave it.

Don't expect him to be the child care you need to rely on, don't expect anything and don't try to 'educate' him. Don't prevent contact, but don't push it either. Leave it to him to ask, and them to accept. Don't get involved.

Option 1 isn't working for you. It's why you are currently so stressed. The time for option one to work has ended. It has been tried and tested and it failed.

Option 2 you get used to not having a break. Also, I see you have a partner and a mother, ask for help. Ask for a break. He ramps up the abuse? So? You don't have to respond to it or even take it under your notice. Let him. Block his number and he can arrange a solicitor. Keep records of absolutely everything for The courts. Every message, every promise he made, every time he failed to turn up. All his threats and abuse. Keep every minute detail.

Option 3 won't work. It relies on him/you/both having total personality transformation. Not going to happen. You two cannot communicate appropriately.